It has been a while since I've last updated my Youtube channel. I stopped during the summer months because the festival work began to pick up; and since balancing work was already hard enough, doing things i love/can work on fell by the wayside. I felt guilty for leaving the channel for a bit--granted I don't have too many subscribers, but still .. i felt like i was doing myself an injustice by not working on the craft. To be honest, I started the Youtube channel as a way to document my journey through acting--sort of like what I'm doing here. I felt troubled when asked to do monologues, knowing i had none to offer. But i found a few pieces that i really like.. that i really connected with and started memorizing from there. It was hard, but overtime, each and every monologue felt more comfortable. Some were a bit harder (i must admit). I left monologues/Youtube for a hiatus, a hibernation of sorts. I didn't have time a few months ago, but now I do. And now I'm back.
I struggled to find a direction to the channel. What should i do? I'm no fashion or beauty/make-up guru. I've always thought about teaching Cantonese (for about a year now), so I jumped right in. I made my first video and then another, and then another. I think by making the videos, I'm getting more comfortable in front of the camera, which is something I struggle with and want to fix. Afterall, I want to get into film and television work. I have to get over it. It's not an option.
At times, I still doubt whether anyone will like or notice the channel. I always film with this uncertainty, and my brother called me out for it. Sometimes harshly. Although I get pretty antsy every time I say hello, I just need to tell myself to let go. In class, we talk about letting go a lot. It's the same type of feeling -- just a different medium. I see it as a way of practice. They say practice makes perfect. So hopefully, I'll be able to hone the craft overtime.
It takes work, it takes time. I just need to be more patient.