About two nights ago (Thursday night), I fell asleep on the couch while typing up an email. My mom nudged and asked if I was interested in going to a family gathering on Saturday, March 23, and in my sleepy state, I said "sure." I went back to my nap. Then she asked what I'm doing on Saturday, March 30, and I told her I have to perform in a show. SHIT! I immediately woke up. She asked me, "What show?" "A comedy show," I answered. *Awkward silence. "Are you a side character?" she asked. "Not really," I answered. *Awkward silence. The conversation ended. She went to bed. The next morning, I woke up morning with an urge to give her the low-down. Yes, last night was a complete fuck-up freudian slip, but I think it's god's way of telling me that it's time to let it all out. Just tell her, goddamnit! So I went around the room looking for paper to write on. All I found were bank slips (my mom takes bank slips and leave us notes every morning), and I didn't wanna write on 'em because it wasn't formal. I want this to be a very formal/serious thing. So I found a pack of cards with puppies on 'em. My mom hates cats/dogs, but I don't have anything else, so I used it.
I haven't written Chinese in a long time too; it felt weird writing it again. I fucked up so bad in my first sentence. I wrote two characters wrong, and I used an expired White-Out tape that made it all messy. I had to make it look neat, and serious. So I started over and made sure I google-translated all the characters I'm looking for. In the end, I poured my heart out on paper--for the first time. It felt weird. It felt weird telling my mother on paper what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Why didn't I just tell her, I thought. But that will only end up in arguments. So yeah, writing a letter definitely made it easier. I quickly dropped off the letter while she was working and sped off. I can't let her read it in front of me. I don't want to see her reaction.
For those who cannot read Chinese, here's what it says:
It's been six months since I've been in school--can't believe how time flies. Are you wondering what I'm studying? Actually, I really want to tell you what I'm studying, but I don't know if you will understand me ... or you might even disagree with my decision. I'm scared. I'm scared you will stop me from doing this. But I really want you to know because I respect you. You and Ken are my main motivations in life, and I want you to bless me on this journey.
Acting and writing is my dream. I hope you will allow me to be persistent about this career choice. Maybe you will disagree with my decision, but I'm very serious about this. I won't give up! I hope you will support me.
She finally called me while I was in class and left a message. She told me there were many typos... and that I was short; there's a lot of pretty people; and how the entertainment industry is very complicated; this career choice is very impractical, and that I should concentrate on a professional field that can make a steady paycheck. She could have went ape-shit, but she just got real and straight-up told me how she felt. She thought I was gonna pursue politics or the path of becoming a lawyer (this was all my practical ambitions before I decided that politics might not be my thing). She told me her hopes and dreams were gone. I felt so awkward hearing that. I don't know how to tell her what it was like working in politics, and what it is like pursuing something I enjoy doing now. I understand her concerns; I really do, because these are the things I think about every single day.
The stubborn part of me want to go on this unsafe ride, this unsafe journey. It'd be bumpy, painful, and scary ride for sure, but I'm willing to ride it out. I don't want to live life with any regrets, so I'm doing what I'm set out to do, and commit to it. I want to prove to her that this is something that I can accomplish before I tell her anything more. Maybe someday I'll figure out a way to tell her. In less typos, of course. Just gotta find a way--but the time isn't right yet. For now, I'm just left without words--just gotta ride it out.