About two nights ago, I bumped into an old high school buddy on the subway platform. It was late.. my bro and I just had a late dinner. It felt odd. If you met me while I was still in high school, you'll probably remember me as an over-achieving, straight-edge type of girl that will cry over an 86. All that because she knew what it was like to fail and hit rock bottom -- but that's another story for another post. The reason why the whole interaction was odd was because neither of us imagined our lives to be where it is today. For some reason, I always imagined myself as someone who will jump head-on into the corporate world and take charge of a company. I guess being politicized in college changed everything.. but then again, that's a different story for another post. Back to this post. I bring this up because at some point within the past month, I thought about doing something else other than acting. For real. For those of you who are artists (starting out/mid-way established), you know you'll always have a gig to support yourself; and for me, I had a temp-gig at this liquor company. Some time about a few months ago, I thought of leaving the company because I didn't know why the heck I was there, but I stayed because I needed the money to support myself in classes and such. In May, I pretty much wrapped up all my classes, and in June, I finally decided to leave that gig. At the time I was about to exit, some community work came up. So I took the chance and applied for that community gig. I felt so confident about changing up my life again, ready to dig deep into that 9-to-5, ready to make acting just my side gig. It was as if god was testing me, to see how much I was willing to hold out with acting. I can't believe how fast I thought about applying for something else. I guess I secretly crave for that stability.
In the end, I didn't end up getting it. And this is funny, because something similar happened to me right after I graduated college-- I applied for something in DC, but they never got my app, and I took a 360 and decided to take an acting class. Believe me, I felt completely beat up after not getting the community gig. I felt as if I have failed again. But somewhere along the lines, I realized how much work I still have/want to do in acting. I shouldn't give up. I'm still hungry to learn more, and I still want to work on it. It's a process, and I ain't done.
Now, I just need to figure out a way to live for the next few months. But deep down within me, I feel like this is a blessing in disguise: god is telling me to hold on and not let go. This is another curve he is throwing me to test my resilience.
I shouldn't give up. I won't give up. I'll keep on going.