When i turned 25 last year, i made a lot of promises to myself. To be happy and content, to challenge myself everyday (something along the lines of: do one thing that scares you everyday), to be a better actor, to be a better daughter/friend. A year later, let's just say everything is pretty much still a work-in-progress. At the end of my 25th year of being on this earth, i realize patience is really a virtue, and if you try to rush things, it ain't gonna work. I learned it the hard way. And i also learned that you should take note and move on. I guess one big thing i really learned this year is what love really means. I mean for the first 25.9 percent of my life, love is really pointed towards family, art, and the community. Other than those three things i poured my whole heart into, nothing else really mattered.
Towards the last days of my 25th year, my bro thought it'd be a good idea for me to start meeting guys. He said if i don't live life, then I'll never be a good actor. In a way, he is right because a lot of scenes are about love, lust, hate, indifference--if i never experience these feelings, i will look phony. So I was somewhat convinced and signed up for Tinder. I had Coffee Meets Bagel last year, but didn't really like anyone on there, and Tinder is the newest, hottest thing, right? So i was convinced.
Going on that first date was extremely terrifying/nerve-wrecking for me. Maybe because in the past, I've gone on dates where I actually met the person before. This time, stranger danger got to me, and i pooped literally three times before i finally met him. In the end, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I deleted the app a few days after because to be honest, I don't think I'm ready to be in anything. Or maybe I'm afraid of getting hurt; and so, after a few weeks and a lot of uncertainty later, I'm just staying put for now. Whether i meet anyone or not, I should focus on bettering myself. I got a career i have to chase after, and i need to focus.
I must say i learned a lot about love. It's messy. It hurts. Turns out there's no such thing. In the end, if nothing else, it's friendship, companionship. Tolerance. I swear I'm not trying to sound jaded, but yeah, that's what I believe love is.. At least for now.
For my 26th year on this planet, i hope to find more clarity. What is it that i really want? What can i do everyday to get to my goal of becoming a film actor? I also want to start counting my blessings. I have family and friends. I have to be grateful to have them in my life. I never want to take anyone or anything for granted. After all, people come into your life for a reason, right?
So to 26, i hope you will continue to teach me what it means to love. If it burns, please know that that's what it takes to grow.
So here's to growth.