Two days ago, while my brother and I were riding the train together, he said something that took me by surprise (probably what he has been feeling since I told him I wanted to become an actor). I don't remember the exact words, but he said something along the lines of: "how many Asian American females do you see on tv or film--not portraying a stereotype? Your chances of being on a show is close to none. Who can you compare yourself to? I know this is probably harsh, but I'm just being realistic. It's good to dream, but it's another thing to do. You really have to reconsider this whole acting thing because to be honest, I think you should just quit now." You should just quit now. Those words resonated with me for a hot second. I find myself thinking about what he just said, and I found tears streaming down my eyes as I began to defend my decision to become or to remain an actor. At that very moment, I felt a whirlwind of emotions, and one thing that crept up to me was: what if what he's saying is right? What if I should just quit now? I replayed his words over and over in my mind over the past two days. I think about it when I'm alone; I think about it when I'm with my brother and mother. I have a sudden urge of guilt: of not being able to prove myself, of not being able to provide for my family right now. And for a slight second, I thought about quitting. I thought about quitting because I don't see any results yet, and I can be so impatient. I constantly feed myself self-doubt, up to the point that I convinced myself quitting now is OK.
I got tired thinking about it, so I slept with the thought. And to be honest, I woke up with an urge this morning to find something stable--like a stable 9-to-5 job. Then, as I was brushing my teeth, I thought about something I shared with a friend who has a dream of owning his own design label one day: "Never give up what you want most for what you want now."
I should seriously apply that to myself. Fuck what my bro said--I should NEVER GIVE UP!