Life be lifeing

Well, oh well, what do we have here? Another once a year post? YUP.

The skinny for this post is: I got an agent! I got an acting agent!!! Feels weird and surreal typing that. As someone who tried about a decade ago blindly looking for an agent, to just doing my own thing, to finally getting an agent, feels freakin’ CRAZY. Those of you who went through this process knows what I mean. Or maybe you got an agent on your first try… possibly through a friend’s referral, to which I say: woot woot! Lucky ducky!

Looking back, I know why I didn’t get an agent ten years ago (or was it more than that)? I was green, non-union, and I haven’t done any work to make me reppable—yes, that isn’t a word, but ya know. This time around, I have made a lot of my own luck/opportunities by creating my own work. All those years of work, I now have something to show for. Whether it’s Hollywood enough, I know for a fact it isn’t. But this is my starting point. This is one of the first step in accessing auditions and keep sharpening that pencil.

Speaking of sharpening the pencil, I enrolled myself in multiple Casting Director Workshops. I was itching to move forward with acting, so I signed up for my first Casting Director’s Workshop on March 1. Boy, oh boy. When I tell you I freak so hard before getting up to class to doing the scene, I’m not kidding. It’s a combination of nerves, trying to memorize the lines, and making sure I’m not acting the fool in front of the Casting Director. I felt so nervous because I felt like everyone, Casting Director included, is going to judge the shit out of me. But that wasn’t the case! Everyone was so loving and encouraging. It was my first “class” back since 2019 and I just felt so alive being in that first class. Everything seemed to be going. <3

When work wasn’t going so well, and I was sitting in a second Casting Director class mid-March, I just told myself maybe I should push myself forward even more in acting by signing up for the NYC Super Showcase, which featured 5 Talent Agents, 7 Talent Managers, 4 Commercial Agents, 3 Voiceover Agents. If you really sit to think about it, it’s like buying lottery, except, you can control your odds by prepping, playing, and praying. I possibly fumbled more times than most actors in the cohort, but when a direction was given, I was quick to jump on it and adjust. My weakest spot is definitely my nerves. I need to figure out a way to calm it down. I need to stop freaking out.

On that note, I am on my third Casting Director Workshop series—it’s a 3-part virtual class with one of the biggest Casting Directors on the planet. I, again, fumbled so hard. I keep comparing myself to others: their self-tape setup is so awesome! omg, they actually are working actors on network television!!! wow, they’re so pretty… like bro, WTF Judy, snap out of it! This is all to say: I wish I didn’t compare myself to others. That, on top of my nerves, all my lines (I accidentally typed lives—hey… that makes sense T-T;;) goes out the window. I do take notes, not only for the scene I’m doing… I also take notes on what other actors are doing. I learn so much watching everyone’s performance. I’m dusting off the acting bible, aka the Moleskine where I keep all the acting tips. Will keep it in my back-pocket and review when audition time comes. Auditions will come—hopefully soon!

In the interim, I have one last class left with this mega-big Casting Director (see previous paragraph), then I have classes with 5 more Casting Directors. I am hooked! (Okay, it sounds like I’m addicted… possibly addicted…). These classes are a way to introduce myself to Casting Directors in NYC + I treat it as an acting gym. Like Timothee Chalamet, I want to be one of the greats... Will try my absolute best to give it my all during these classes + soak up all the notes.

It took so long for me to get here + to put myself out there like this. I don’t know why it’s taken me so long. Maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s self-doubt. Heck, maybe I still have both of these gremlins sitting to the right and left of my shoulders. Every time I go up, I’m learning how to quiet it some more. The more I’m in front of these big wigs, the more it will be tamed. At least that’s the hope. :’)

Back to Reality

Every year I get prompted to renew my domain subscription in mid-March, which reminds me, I need to update this blog more than once or twice a year. Goal? Update once every two months.

I have been living in my head for a long time, for the past nine months if you will. Life has been challenging since returning to NYC last June. It’s been great seeing friends I haven’t seen in a while. After a month or so, I started to get antsy. People kept asking me about my experience in LA. After the initial conversation, everything faded. What else can I tell them? How I truly felt about the double writer-actor strike? How my dreams of moving to LA permanently ... disappeared? Or how unemployment was slowly taking over my conscience? I had a lot to grapple with: a tremendous amount of joy as I was a part of the most amazing opportunity ever, but coming back to NYC quickly snapped me back to reality. The job market was super tough and funemployment only lasts so long. How am I going to live … or do I want to live? (okay, that took a dark turn……).

I took time off to do a major reset. I took a step back and assessed different areas of my life: when & where was I the happiest? Who brought joy into my life? As I get older, I think deeper about friendships and who I decide to let into my life. Sometimes I wonder if I'm on the #NoNewFriends bandcamp, or if I'm on the #EveryoneIsMyFriend bandcamp. When I was younger, everyone I met was considered a friend. Now that I'm older, I'm a bit more guarded. I hate to be guarded though because it creates a lot more emotional labor. I should find a middle-ground: everyone is a friend unless they do something sus, then it's game over. 

During this interim, I made a short film with a tiny but mighty crew (5 crew members + myself + 1 other cast member). It's my second rodeo at making a film. I felt so messed up from making my first one, that making this second one… also messed me up.. just a lil less. My friend Kayla, who also happened to AD/Scripty this project, told me a few moons ago that making a short film is the same amount of effort & stress as making a feature. I did not understand what she meant until I did it.. especially since it was a signatory/union project. She was right. It really is. I just didn't make it into a feature because: a) a feature will cost 10x the budget and b) i already cleared out my savings account (don't tell my mom). I can write on and on about this project, but I will save it for another day. This means... I will *crossing fingers* update this blog more often. 

If I don't, bug me to update it more often. Thanks in advance! ;)

LA LA Land

Well, well, well, if it isn’t another one-year-later blog post. Time flies, eh?

A bit of a life update: I moved to Los Angeles in February and I’m moving back to NYC next week. For the past four months, I have been here for a gig (will write more about this later), and everyday while here, I ask myself: should i move here? If these past few months is a litmus test on whether I should or shouldn’t, my mind and wallet is telling me I shouldn’t, while my heart is telling me I should. I hate it when this happens.

While all the stars may have aligned earlier this year and I moved here within a week’s notice, I self-professed within a month that I’ll move here, permanently. I woke up telling myself that every morning. I carried on the hope that if I say it enough, it will come true. I figured I’ll be able to finish up this gig, either continue on it, or at least find a way to stay here. I can finally leave NYC behind and figure out how to break in all that is Hollywood. Then the entire town started murmuring about the Writers Guild of America strike; then, within a blink of an eye, it happened. All opportunities I imagined myself applying for quickly evaporated. I saw my dreams die, and my heart ached… hard.

During this period of agony, I also thought long and hard about the realities of making a life here. Although I have friends and a lot of acquaintances in LA, I started to think deep about the realities of us actually hanging out. Say if we do not live on the same side of town (West Side vs. East Side), will we ever see each other? If there are no big community events, like LAAPFF, will people bother to initiate a gathering? Why does every hang feel so effortful? Do people actually want to hang out with me? Seems like this town is filled with people who want to hang with other people “on their level” and it’s not as open as NYC, where people from all walks of life can co-mingle or at least are open to the possibilities of meeting new people. I find it so hard to make friends and actually trust people here. Must be the water!

Logistically, I also don’t have a car, nor have I driven in 11 years since i passed my driver’s license test, so really, I don’t want to kill anybody! I took the Metro + subway here back in 2018 and I still remember almost getting smacked by a pair of shoes because the woman who got off the bus the same time as I did was hurling it towards someone else. I was so lucky to have dodged it, but I’m hypersensitive and haven’t taken public transit since.

One thing I will do this summer when I return to NYC is that I will be taking driving lessons again to refresh my skills, so that the next time I’m back in LA, I’m ready to rent a car and hit the road. Does it mean I’ll move here eventually? MAYBE. I just know i need to have something lined up here for me to work on before I pull the plug.

In less than a week, I’m going to be back in NYC: plotting my next film + figuring out how I can make it happen. The dream is still alive and well. I need to finish writing because without this script aka blueprint, I have nothing. Time to get to work.

The night before I left, my mom said something at the dinner table, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. She says: "NYC is the best city in the world.” This time, I think she might just be right.

P.S. It’s already my birthday in NYC. ;)

Ten Years

Within a blink of the eye, it’s already been ten years since I’ve gone on this journey as an artist. I say artist because I’ve worn many hats over the years to make my dreams a reality. Initially, I only wanted to become an actor. I was super naïve. I thought if I trained for 1.5 years, I’d be on my way to getting seen in auditions, booking jobs, and within five years, I’d be on a television show, then a movie, then Broadway—I wanted to do it all!

Reality quickly settled in once I was on this path. When I started the 1.5 year training program at The Barrow Group Theatre Company, I realized within 6 months of that program that acting, or this business, is not a short-term commitment. You can go in thinking you-the-shit and make it within a short amount of time, but those who do, will only last for a millisecond—because they did it for the wrong reasons. If you want longevity in the business, you have to be fully committed. You have to put all your money, time, and resources into making it work. You have to give it your all. YOUR ALL.

Your all, I did. After finishing the acting program in December 2013, I signed up for a solo show writing class, which taught me how to write a live, one-person show. Back then, solo shows were the shit! John Leguizamo did it! Michelle Krusiec did it! It gave them a platform, where they created for themselves! It was a very self-driven form of pursuing the dream; and so, I tried it too. One show allowed me to work with an idol I’ve been listening to since I was in high school (hi MC Jin <3), and the other helped me through a sexual assault trauma. I grew so much as an artist, and I wondered: what’s next? I kept signing up for evening Scene Study classes, Improv classes. I told myself I’d focus on the craft, keep my head down, and maybe if I work hard enough, luck will come my way sooner or later.

The moment, or the moment right before, I turned 30, things changed. I realized I’m no longer a 23 year old figuring her shit out, nor am I a 28 year old still trying to figure her shit out. I’m now 30. It felt as if I had to do something with my life NOW; otherwise, I’d miss the mark/opportunity to make something of myself. This was back in 2019, and now looking back, I still feel as if I’d miss my mark if I didn’t hit HARD when I turned 30. So I sat with myself. I wrote down all the goals or dream I have, no matter how lofty or far-fetched it seemed. One of them was to write, produce, and star in a feature independent film (ok, i lie… this has been a dream since…… 2009). It’s now or never, so I did—or at least tried so hard to do (gosh, dramatic, I know) to make an indie coming-of-age film.

Then the pandemic hit. It’s as if everything I tried so hard to achieve came crashing down so quickly. I was stuck inside and there was no way out in finishing the film; then the legal stuff happened. I was in a rut for months. Almost ended my own life between all those months, weeks, hours, minutes, seconds… but then I chose to stand up again. I have to acknowledge whatever happened, happened. I have to realize it’s time to move on, to stop feeling sorry for myself, and to move forward. It’s so much easier said than done.

I mustered up the energy to go out and shoot on an iPhone to try to complete the film. But, I had a lot of baggage clouding my head, and it showed in the cut I sent around to festivals in 2021. It was a disorganized film, and I sincerely apologize to the three people who had to watch it. I quickly withdrew all my submissions (goodbye submissions fees!). I was trying so hard to make it work. It just wasn’t ready.

Then, I forgot about the film. I focused on my day-job as a voting rights organizer. It gave me purpose in life. I immersed myself into outreach events that dealt with Stop Asian Hate </3. It provided the escape I desperately needed. Then, I went to LAAPFF during the fall of 2021, and it reinvigorated me all over again. I saw films and friends: most of them asked me: wsup with your film? Terrible question to ask, btw… but I think they were concerned. I replied: I’m still working on it… it should come out soon… (I lied).

I felt this gnawing guilt. A lot of my friends and family supported me through Kickstarter in this big way for this film, and I’m lying through my teeth about having it figured out. I don’t.

I kept living… ignoring the film I had to finish. Then, one day, I met someone at a bar in Chinatown who introduced me to Run for Chinatown, and explained how they are having this Mid-Autumn Mile event…… tomorrow / did I wanna go? I didn’t have any athletic clothes/sneakers as I was staying at a friend’s place, but I hastily agreed because Mid-Autumn Moon Festival is one of my favorite Chinese holidays (who doesn’t love mooncakes?). I showed up to the run, and we ran through Chinatown. There was lion-dancing + confetti-popping at the finish line. It was magical running through Mott Street in (almost) its entirety. I cried towards the end (or maybe it was sweat?)… because: how did I never realize the beauty of Chinatown, until now? I have been struggling for years to be in the present, and it’s through running with these strangers, that I realize the love I have for Chinatown has been living within me… for years. It is now activated. I now know how to finish my film!

I created a roadmap, aka Excel Spreadsheet, then I plotted out all the favorite spots in Chinatown. It’s going to be a love letter the teenage me writes to Chinatown, as she decides whether to leave or not for college. I felt so motivated, I went to B&H the next day to buy the camera lens. The next day, I was off to shoot random shit to test out the lens. Then the week after, I was shooting random shit in Chinatown and its surrounding areas. I had to piece it all together, somehow. Then, I was stuck… again!

This was early December 2021. I met filmmakers from TRY HARDER! and one of them turned me to Woody Allen films (i know, he’s canceled, i know). I watched MANHATTAN, and was deeply inspired by its opening. Then, I went out to shoot some more footage. After piecing everything together, I now end up with a 2.5/3 minute meditation of a Chinatown montage. I cry every time I watch it. I book-end the film with Chinatown too because it’s a place I love, admire, and deeply appreciate. After growing up here all my life, this is the first time I ever profess my love to it. I hope it shines through when you watch the film.

With all this said, I’m extremely honored to share that this little film that took the beegeezus out of of me, will World Premiere at the 38th edition of the Los Angeles Asian Pacific American Film Festival on Friday, May 13 - 7PM PT at the Japanese American National Museum’s Tateuchi Democracy Forum. Full-fuckin-circle. Tickets go on sale this Friday, April 15. Would love to see YOU there. <3

I guess 10 years later, if you ask me if I’d ever do this shit again… the answer will be HELLZ YEAH. :’)

Lucky Gal

Another four months in with another update. That’s how life feels at the moment. Everyday feels the same. Well, not for the past two months. Everyday for the past two months felt like swimming against a huge current that only lets you take a moment/breath when your head is a little bit above water. Otherwise, gotta keep swimming. My brain never turned off because I dreamt about my work even as I was snoring my tails off.

I casually posted about this on Instagram in September 2018, and that is, I’m back at AALDEF—the Asian American Legal Defense and Education Fund. Feels so surreal to be back working on voting rights. Unexpected if you may. It might be fate/perfect timing, as I was fired (for the very first time in my life) from my babysitting gig early September 2018. I was on the hunt for a new job and my only hope was going back to restaurant-work to balance acting. I got a random call one day from Jerry at AALDEF, and I immediately said yes! So I’ve been back ever since. It’s a contracted gig, so whenever funding runs out, I’m gone. I always feel a sense of pressure that I’ll get cut any minute now. It’s a type of weird anxiety, and maybe I should just calm down until they tell me it’s time to go. Trying to work on that now.

My main job centers around the AALDEF exit polls. We conduct the largest AAPI exit poll in the US, this year in 13 states and Washington D.C. It all started in 1988 because mainstream exit polls left us out, or we’re counted as “other.” So this project was created to count us in. I did notice that this year’s NBC exit polls had Asians on there—gasp! We’re at a mere 4% of their total count. I think because our exit poll is so specific to AAPIs, most of whom are bilingual or limited English proficient, we have bilingual folks conducting the survey, so AAPI folks who don’t really speak the language, can at least feel comfortable taking the survey. We are proactive and have some kickass volunteers run after uncles/aunties to fill out the survey. Having been with this project since 2010 in many different capacities, I can confidently say most of our survey responders are older AAPIs, ages 40+. Those who are in their 20s or 30s are always either super enthusiastic and love what we’re doing + fill out the survey on their own, or, are too much in a rush to even look us in the eye to say no. At least in the Chinatown/SoHo area.

I feel extremely proud of what we’ve accomplished this year. Normally, we’d have at least 3-4 in-house interns to help with the project. But this year, because of COVID-19, we did not feel safe to have interns at the office. This means, all the physical and mental labor fell on me this year. I was lucky enough to have staff at AALDEF help me here and there to make the exit poll boxes. But in the end, we ended up going to a lot more poll sites than expected, and everything came crashing down in the last 1.5 weeks leading up to Election Day. Overwhelmed, tired, thirsty, hungry, I’m gonna pass out, am I gonna make it out, will I sleep over tonight, was amongst the feelings I felt. Everyday felt like an uphill battle. Going out to pick up lunch felt like I was taking minutes away from the actual work I could have been doing. I’d be taking a bite and doing work at the same time. Does that count as being a great multi-tasker? All in all, the boxes were shipped, volunteers received their assignments, and we tried our very, very best to communicate all that’s needed to be said. We did. With all the unforeseen circumstances, we made it through. Could it have been better? Hell yeah. But hindsight is 2020. ;)

After the elections, we had to wait to get surveys back from all the states + clean up the surveys: take out all the non-AAPI surveys, make sure all bubbles were filled in correctly, and that all of it, by poll site, is scanned. We have an amazing remote data-scientist in a far away, non-US place (secret!) analyzing it all (hi Nancy! :D). Just finished scanning it all last week. Now everything is quiet, which I’m happy about. I finally have time to breathe and think.

Over the last week + weekend, I reflected a lot: about where I am now, where I want to go. Will I keep working at AALDEF/nonprofits? Move on to something else? Finish the film? Move to LA? Should I go to law school?!?! As my mind spiraled, I cried at the dinner table with my mom present and lied about having something in my eye. Then, I fell asleep. When I woke up, I took 10 LSAT questions just for the heck of it, and it did NOT go well. Oh, the horror!!!!! It’s the world’s way in telling me I should stay in the creative field. Sometimes our minds know something we don’t realize yet.

Before Election Day, my colleague, Shirley, and I were invited to be on the Lucky Boys Podcast. I don’t know what it is, but i felt at home being there/talking to them (Will & Norm). It was one of the best podcast experience I’ve been on, and I hope y’all enjoy the episode. Below are the different parts to it via YouTube. I believe they’re also on Spotify if you wanna listen to it. We talk about AAPI voting problems, systemic structures that lead to voting barriers, my neighbors’ + neighborhoods’ obsession over Trump, why the Census matters, getting into acting/the hustle, falling out with my mom after doing the solo show, and how to spot fake people in Hollywood. I promise some of these titles are clickbait, but hey, it gets you hooked. Enjoy~ :)

President Trump Supporters Are Die Hard
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_U7E-vAUFh0

The Problem For Asian Voters
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRsiN82rDLM

Why Young Asian Americans Are Coming Out To Vote Like Never Before
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyDJbFr9N94

Why The Census Make Sense
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bi-ldG_G-r8

Why Are Asians Invisible In Covid Cases And Public Health Response
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6gs3U3AOdQ

Why America Is Still GREAT...For Now
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBfjYwUbesI

Rebelling Against Your Tiger Mom
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sic2fENX3KI

How I Got MC Jin To Work On My Film Project (Correction: SOLO SHOW)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fSgmhIFogU

Asian Hollywood Full Of Fakes
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEQSzrSMyhk

Working it Out

This blog thing has become a yearly thing. I am coming to terms with this and not gonna force myself to write. I may or may not write more in the coming year... who knows? I wanted to write earlier this year, but I held back because I never wanna write when I am not completely done reflecting on what happened. I find myself taking a much longer time processing things these days—especially my emotions. So here goes.

Over the past year, a lot has changed. One thing that changed the most was my age. I turned 30. Am I still fucked up? Maybe. Am I working through it? Hell to the fuckin yeah.

They say 30 is the best decade of your life. For me, it started out as the rockiest and hardest time I’ve ever had because this year was the year I decided to take my dreams a giant leap forward—I decided to finally get up on my ass and make that feature film I dreamed of making since I started this journey in 2012.

I got a major kick in the ass when I attended the Los Angeles Asian Pacific Film Festival this year—a festival I’ve gone to every year since 2013 (except 2015). I saw three female filmmakers front-and-center in the Opening, Centerpiece, and Closing Night film slots. Can we take and sit with this moment for a little bit? Holy fuck. One filmmaker said it took 15 years (!!!) for her to make the film. Another filmmaker took a script and made it over the summer and her whole village of friends joined her in the Philippines to make it. Damn—that’s the real friendship test. That said filmmaker also said she and her lead actor spent the last LAAPFF telling everyone they saw at the festival that they’re making a film. She said that it forced them to make it.

I sat in the audience in awe and was inspired as fuck. I kept imagining myself making the solo show into a feature film with a team of friends (just like them) and then a year-ish later showing it in front of an audience—I imagined myself as these filmmakers and I thought over and over again: there’s nothing to lose in telling a story you want to tell. It was the last day of the festival and I started telling people that I’m in the process of making a feature film. Last few hours...  on the dance floor, I was telling people this. LOL!  Maybe it was pure excitement, but mostly it was because of some good old gin and tonic. 

I flew back to NYC right after the festival in mid-May and started looking up crowdfunding  options. This shit is feeling real. Then I looked up Kickstarter and the amount of information you need to even launch the campaign. It gave me a headache, so I let it rest for two days. Then I clicked into it again to see what’s up/what I had to do. Then I got to work. I assembled a team: a Director who have seen the show in nyc in 2015 and really wanted to work together, a DP I’ve worked with before, and a few of my close friends as Producers. Boom, easy... so I thought.

If anybody out there reading have done a Kickstarter before, you know how difficult that shit is. It’s not the work that’s daunting, it’s asking everyone you know to support you (especially when you have to hit a certain goal in a short amount of time). I was mind-fucked every single day, and out of 30 days, maybe there was two days I didn’t cry lol... but seriously, I didn’t know how to feel anymore after people I thought would support me, didn’t. My team was like fuck Kickstarter and give up now—this was one week after the Kickstarter launched. Oh yeah I cried during that Skype call. I felt like there were rocks on my shoulders and there were more rocks being thrown my way. I cried and caved during the phone meeting and said maybe we can figure out some other way. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon/evening/night thinking about what Kickstarter symbolized (resilience/persistence) and I was like fuck this shit, we ain’t givin up!!!!!! And then wrote a long ass email letting the team know that we can’t give up! And after a lot of tears, the last day was really scary and a lot of joy because we made it!!!!! A lot of my friends up’d their pledge and we were able to cross the finish line, with a few hours to spare (to those who did, thank you 🙏🏼). It was a crazy, surreal moment. Shirley and Jo was there with me during the countdown, I’ll never forget that (thank you).

Finishing Kickstarter was just the beginning. Setting up the NY State LLC, forming an Operating Agreement, and publishing was the light work (and fuckin expensive). The hardest part was writing. I started re-writing the script based off of the money we raised (no more 15 locations and a gazillion actors). I went through many, many drafts (13 or so). I probably didn’t land a good one until my director left the project in mid-August. Then about a month later, after I decided to direct, the DP left the project. I was left in a bind. But I didn’t cry this time. I cried enough and my whole perspective in life changed. What I learned the most through this whole process is: people will not support you, not believe in you, and leave you, but the only thing you can control is how you react. I was definitely not prepared in the beginning, so I cried a lot, but after so much of it, I told myself that you can only look/move forward. Yes you can, and yes you will. (Ok, why am I crying now on the train... again!) I aged emotionally at least 10 years + my age, will tell you that much.

I am currently in Pre-Production now. It’s been another long process. I cried again during this process— out of sadness, frustration, and now, finally, happiness. Thrilled to announce that Leonard Wu, Curtis Lum, Cindy Wu, Wai Ching Ho, and Joe Auyeung (voice) will be joining the cast. I’m still searching for my mother. The rest of the cast will be announced via our Kickstarter in a week or so. I feel so thankful for all of them for coming on board and I cannot wait to play with them (if you guys are reading this, I love you like a fat kid love cake).

Doing all this work, seeing friends, watching films, and working out has been my way of de-stressing. Amongst those three things, I spend the most time at the gym. I started going to the gym 3x a week regularly since August 19, 2018. Let’s say I didn’t start reeeeeally working out until Thanksgiving of 2018. Since then, I have never felt more in tune with my body. I love HIIT, Yoga, Pilates, and (sometimes) Barre (this shit is painful!!!!!). I also fell in love with lifting weights about four months ago. I don’t even care if I have a six pack, as long as I feel like my life isn’t falling apart, it’s all good.

I’d say one year ago around this time, I had major anxiety issues/depression because of something that happened in 2016. I talked about it during my second solo show 28: Still Fucked Up, and it was a lot emotionally revisiting the events I eventually tell in the show. I think sharing that story definitely helped me cope with it, but what really helped was working out, getting stronger physically and emotionally.

It hasn’t always been easy, and it takes a lot of work to get out of my head. But for now, I’m learning how to look at things differently—in a more positive way. I always give off positive energy to hide from what I’m really going through. I’m slowly learning to work through it so that the emotions of happiness I’m putting out into the world is actually how I’m really feeling inside.

All this is to say, I’m working on it. I’m just getting started and I’m really excited to share what’s to come. <3

28: Still fucked up

Last entry was last October? DAAAAAMN. A lot has happened since then. This might be a long entry, or it might be a short entry, I haven’t decided yet and will just free-write. Within this past year, a lot has happened and I became pretty fucked up. If you’re going through something right now, maybe this will help you. Or maybe it will not and get you fucked up, too. You are forewarned.

To briefly fill you in on what happened in the past year: I just disappeared into this pit—this pit of non-stop hustle from October 2017 through early May 2018. I was nonstop working and going to class. I didn’t even have time to breathe and I’m not even kidding. I worked within the Union Square Hospitality group (USHG)—both at North End Grill and Gramercy Tavern, and I am constantly overworked. I got burned out pretty quickly and desperately needed a break. In between the two restaurants, I was back at Nom Wah briefly, while taking sketch and improv at UCB and acting classes at the Barrow Group Theatre Company, while doing the solo show one last time at the Museum of Chinese in America. It was a lot. I didn’t know my limits and overcommitted myself. I bit off more than I can chew and I thought I could do it all… all at the same time. And I became crazy… but you know what? Life is short, be fuckin crazy.

I took a lot of time to reflect after I left USHG in early May. I took an eat, pray, love trip to LA. Except I only prayed and didn’t eat because I was broke. My head was not in a good place to even pray. I loved by showing up to the last two days of the Los Angeles Asian Pacific Film Festival. It is and always will be the event I look forward to every year. I wish I would’ve gone to LA sooner, but I didn’t know I was gonna leave USHG sooner than I had expected. I wanted to stay at USHG for the long haul, but that inner voice within me says: you need to be somewhere else if you want to grow, and I listened.

This past year was really a year of FINALLY getting real with who I am, what I want to be, and where I should spent my time, emotions, and energy in my career and the people i surround myself with. For years I’ve struggled to figure that out and know what I want / know exactly how to ask for it. When I was in London/Paris by myself in the beginning of 2017, I was like fuck all of this shit and the shitty people I’ve ever met, I’m going to spend the year doing me. I made myself a priority, and kept going after the things I really wanted to get accomplished, even if it meant spending every last penny in my bank account to make it a reality.

Speaking of spending every last penny in my bank account, I don’t think I ever recovered from doing the show in LA. I emptied my bank account, and have been living paycheck to paycheck ever since. And guess what? I’m doing it again! I’m emptying out my bank account to do my second solo show in NYC’s Caveat. Boy, oh boy, was it expensive. I did extensive research on theatre venues, and all of it was around the same price as Caveat, way less in terms of capacity, and also they would have required liability insurance, which I do not have. I really had high hopes of doing the show at the TBG Studios again, but they’re no longer renting it out for public shows and will only focus on academic programming/rehearsals in the space. RIP TBG Studios and HELLO Caveat.

The show at Caveat is my second solo show or one-hour comedy special, whatever you want to categorize/call it, and it is called 28: Still Fucked Up. Yes, you guessed it — it’s about age, being 28, looking around you and realizing everyone else is way more grown up than you, trying to laugh it off by saying everyone has their own timeline, but then subconsciously you know you’re falling behind, and you look at the choices you’ve made in life and thinking if only I did this, I’d be there by now, but then quickly catching yourself thinking that, and convincing yourself everything will be okay but deep down knowing that’s not the case, and trying so hard to get over it—whatever it may be: your feelings, your thoughts, your emotions, that’s how you become fucked up. It’s the choices you make and the consequences that come along with those decisions.

I became fucked up because I made a lot of fuck it decisions, including that LA show in 2017 that drained my bank account, signing up for more sketch/improv/acting classes than I can pay for, and borrowing money from my brother and spending almost three months to pay him back. It was not cute. I definitely could have taken time off in between classes, but I didn’t wanna take a break between my UCB classes. I was hooked and obsessed about finishing the program because I wanted to audition for a Lloyd team. For those of you not familiar with the UCB circuit, a Lloyd team is the first long-form improv house team you get on at UCB in NYC — before you get promoted to Harold Night. It was my goal to get on by the end of 2017, but I didn’t get in Advanced Study after taking 401 for the first time, so I can’t even audition for any Lloyd teams. I passed 401 but the teacher recommended me to take 401 again. I was so sad after I didn’t get in Advanced Study and beat-ed myself over it. I constantly asked myself: Why are you so dumb and how come you didn’t pass 401? I let that voice replay in my head over and over again. I told myself the only way to get past this is to take a UCB class that focuses on specific skillsets and reapply Advanced Study. I got rejected again. It was rough. I had to take a step back and wonder why I’m trying so hard, and is improv giving me any true joy in performing. I’m closing in more towards a no at this point, so I’m taking a break from improv.

I’m now focusing on standup. I’m low-key in love with standup. I feel like every time I go to an open mic, whether I get laughs or not, it brings me so much joy. Let me repeat: so much joy! Mainly because I feel I’m so in sync with the audience and I love entertaining people. It makes me feel alive!

I’m still pursuing acting. It’s been 6-going-on-to-7 years, and I can’t wait to see what 2018/2019 will bring. In 2017, I was rushing to get my comedy chops on and acting game strong. I thought time was running out, and all I could do is try to sprint to the end of the journey. By mid-way, I knew I should’ve jogged instead. One step at a time. No regrets though. I learned a lot along the way.

28: Still Fucked Up is a very emotional/introspective piece. It’s similar to a comedy stand-up show with a bunch of one-liners or short bits. It’s completely different than my first solo show because it’s not a linear story, where this happens, then this happens. There’s no distinct beginning, middle, and end—only loosely. The only thing that’s similar is that I try to tackle heavy subject matters with a light tone. It’s about adulting, growing up, working in the nonprofit world & restaurant/hospitality industry, addiction, mental health, and how, if even, it’s (im)possible to be who we set out to be and the ways in which we fight to get there. In the end, we can only fight to get what we want.

I wish I can say more about the show, but you’ll just have to come and find out! The show will be on Saturday, December 1 at 2PM at the Caveat in the Lower East Side. Tickets went on sale two weeks ago, and you can get it here. Use the code “FOMO” for a 50% discount by Halloween - Wednesday, October 31.

Please come if you’re in NYC. It’d be so much fun! <3

Starting over

I turned 28 approximately five months ago. A lot of people say 28 is the year one starts to make moves in their careers: either move on up or move on forward to something else, something completely different. For me, I am still pursuing acting, the only difference now is, I’m solely focusing on comedy: improv, sketch, and stand up. Does it mean all the work I’ve done in the past five years disappear? No. It just feels very much like starting over because it’s a whole new world. I see it as another chance to keep making mistakes, connecting with new people, and keep trying.

This is not the first time I’m at the rodeo. I took improv classes at UCB in 2013, and I don’t know, for whatever reason, I stopped at 201. This was the level that introduced the concept of game, which is the core of a Harold structure. It was very, very different from 101, where we can do whatever we want and have fun. Here, we really have to think of analogous (same situation in different setting or circumstances) / time dash (much time has passed since first beat) scenes and I got in my head waaaaay too much. I also was really nervous because I had a semi-strict teacher, and all I thought about in the backline was how much I’m gonna fuck up if I walk out there. I don’t wanna fuck up. That was me in 2013, telling myself fucking up is bad. Fucking up is fuckin embarrassing. No one wants to fuck up because you look stupid. I didn’t want to look stupid, but yet I felt nervous and stupid the entire time. In sum, there was a lot of anxiety and not knowing where improv would lead me, and so, I stopped after 201 and decided to take acting head on instead.

I continued on acting classes at the Barrow Group Theatre and developed my solo show there. It was 2013 leading into 2014 and I was sooooo hungry to get better in acting. I knew how much I needed to learn and grow as an actor because I want to be as good as others in my acting conservatory (most of them have started at a young age, and I played catch up for a year and a half). I beat myself up every time I did a bad scene or missed my lines. I worked really hard, and after multiple scene study classes, I stopped to focus on the solo show. Much of late 2015 leading into all of 2016 was focused on the solo show. I always get antsy when I question myself: how come I’m not doing better or why haven’t I gotten “there” yet, wherever there might be. But now, as I’m writing this, I realized I did a lot in the past five years and I should stop questioning myself.

So why comedy? I discovered after presenting the solo show, that I am hooked into people’s laughter. I thought I was writing a drama (life is a drama), and people thought I was funny. The thing is: I wasn’t trying to be funny. I was just trying to be me—as Seth Barrish would put this: comedy derives from truth and pain; as long as you’re speaking your real truth, and it relates to the audience, a laugh will come. Never force shit. The times where I did force shit, people didn’t laugh. The times where I’m the most relaxed, people did. That feeling resonated with me so much, and I am taking this in for future shows. Comedy is a drug and I’m hooked.

I returned to UCB because I knew deep down, comedy is the thing that keeps me up. I returned this March, took 201 again because it’s been four years. I had a sinking feeling in 201 again, but I told myself this time around not to psych myself out. It didn’t get easier, but I got through it. I went onto 301 and that’s when I fell deep into it. I had an amazing teacher, and this was the first time I became an improv nerd, going to a lot of shows--especially Lloyd Night, and listening to the UCB podcast nonstop (especially during work at the government job). I started to imagine myself joining a house team (crazy, I know). Now I'm in 401, and even the thought of joining a house team is so close, yet so far away. Gotta keep practicing to become a great improviser -- then have a chance to get accepted into Advanced Study, then see if there's an audition, then audition, then see if you're accepted or not. If you don't, you gotta wait a whole year to audition again. It's a whole lot of practicing the skill, trying your best, and waiting around. It’s all about process. It's a process and it's all about perseverance, man!

Another life update: I know I posted this on Instagram / Facebook during the summer--I officially left Asian CineVIsion/AAIFF after being with the organization for many, many years. I realized how old I was getting, and if I keep hanging on to AAIFF, I’ll always give myself an excuse to support the community and not pursue my own dreams. I also felt like it was time for someone younger to take over, and for me to really step back and tackle acting/comedy head on. I'm not getting any younger. It was painful thinking of leaving/actually leaving. I cried a lot. I guess that's what growing up is all about? Painful growing up, I tell ya!

Another another life update: I did two final shows in nyc, and even seconds before walking out into the show the first night, I had a sinking feeling. Why am I doing this again? Then my internal voice was like shut up and do this! The first night was great, but felt weird. No one laughed. Then the second night, a lightbulb turned on and the energy and love from the crowd was insane! Everybody was listening intently and I fed off their positivity and warmth. It was so bittersweet to do the show and that last night filled my heart with so much love and hope. At first, I planned to make this into a movie, but a few folks (including my Smithie sisters) convinced me to do a webseries instead. I’m writing it now so watch out world!

Another another another life update: I joined the Union Square Hospitality Group's new concept restaurant: Intersect by Lexus. It's a three story cafe-restaurant/bar-events space in the Meatpacking District, set to open in January 2018. Meanwhile, they placed me at North End Grill for the time being and I'm learning so much about service and different positions within the restaurant. I learn something new everyday when I go in, and I feel hungry learning more, so cheers to this new, fresh start.

I feel like every time I write here, something new has happened or is gonna happen. I guess this is what 28 is about: a lot of what if’s and still figuring it out.

It’s the the artist struggle, hustle. Never stop hustling.

The Bounce Back

Just a quick warning: long post ahead.

I realized it's been three months since I've updated this blog. shit. I'm sorry. not sorry.

I feel like life's been a whirlwind .. or tornado.. since the last post. Where did we leave off? Oh, right, moving to LA. From what it looks like now (financially), either I'll make it out there within the next 10 years, or never. Maybe deep down, I don't wanna move out of NYC, and by telling myself I wanna move out there to pursue film/television is just comforting + something I can reach for. I know I want to move out there, I just need a reason why. I need a kick in my ass. Who wants to kick my ass so I can fly out there? Well, I think I need to kick my own ass before I can get out there. I need to be HUNGRY to get out there. Right now, I'm not too hungry. Just give me some time and space to get hungry again. Or goddamn, I'm already so hungry in NYC, I can't be hungry for LA. Maybe there's room for both????

Hmm. So what the hell happened in the past three months? First things first, I got a job with the Board of Elections as a Chinese Translator. How I got the job: I was catching up with a friend at Mother's Ruin and was telling her my work at Nom Wah Tea Parlor, which I really much enjoy -- just very, very tiring physically. She said she'll keep an eye out if anything comes up, and she forwarded me this job posting that AABANY was circulating and thought I was the perfect fit. I saw the posting too: part translating legal documents, part community outreach--that sounds like a great fit. I applied. The next thing you know, I got a call from a judge, hopped on the train to a meeting with her; she told me to meet with the Brooklyn Democratic Party Leader in Canarsie, then I called the Brooklyn BOE, then I took the language assessment, I had the interview, and the next thing you know, I got the job!!! I was like, "shit I got the job." This is my first 9-to-5 job ever since AALDEF's Voting Rights contract came to an end in May 2015. I felt scared. I felt excited. I felt like life is finally coming together: I can have an easy 9-to-5 job, then focus on acting. Gotta save up some money to move out to LA; gotta save up enough money to move out to LA. I kept telling myself that.

I started the last Thursday in June, and left the second to last Friday of August. That was the quickest turnaround I've ever had in any job. Ok, I lied--I left Forever 21 five days into the job during the winter break of my freshmen year of college because of a knee injury. I've since had some time to reflect upon why I left the job without feeling angry, anxious, and depressed. Those were all the feelings I've held onto while on the job. I worked with a borderline abusive co-worker who constantly spoke with a condescending tone. I had a nervous breakdown the second time I met her. My stomach turned every time I walked near her. I wanted to leave, but I repeatedly told myself to keep my mouth shut; there will be another day where you can take whatever this is in and you can save up enough money to get out of NYC. just shut up.

This eventually got to me. The only way to zone out at work was for me to listen to UCB and comedy podcasts, and then go to comedy shows after work, drinking almost every night--one drink turned into two, two drinks turned into three-- I was hoping that by watching these shows and listening to these comedians/entrepreneurs' conversations (shoutout to Jeff Staple's conversation) can keep me away from all this negativity. It didn't. I felt so stressed out. I let the negativity consume me, and I only got more angry and more frustrated at work and at home. I even lashed out on my mom on several occasions, even though she was being understanding. I felt like my world was turning upside down. I was turning into a monster I no longer recognize. I felt trapped. I really wanted to get out; I did. I would cry my way into work. Or when I'm crossing the street, I would imagine being hit by a car and feeling nothing. I felt like I was spinning into a downward spiral that I don't know how to get out of--it's like falling into a deep well and you're screaming loudly, yet silently, with no one there to catch you.

I had to look deep into myself. My co-worker at Nom Wah once told me, the only person who can change you is you -- you get to decide what you want to do with your life. I was at the finishing point in my Improv 301 class and had enough money to sign up for another two classes. So I did. I signed up for Improv 401 right after I got the teacher's evaluation and feedback + when my wish-list teacher's 401 course became available (started this past Monday on 9/11/2017). I also signed up for Sketch 101 that's starting in October. Oh, and I also am putting up my solo show again (happening this Saturday/Sunday at 7PM at the TBG Studio Theatre). My bank account is pretty much back to none, but I feel so happy being able to keep doing what I love, which is performing.

I've also gotten into fitness for the past 1.25 months. Exercising was a way for me to let off some steam, and it worked so well. I've been focusing more and more on weights now -- dumbbells and full body squats with a weighted ball. I've also been doing yoga to stretch things out -- I really want to do more Pilates. I feel myself getting stronger and stronger every week I get in, so I'm happy.

After I left the BOE, I focused on trying new things. I tried standup for the very first time two weeks ago at UCB East's Open Michelle (all women's), and REALLY enjoyed it. I'm most likely gonna be back tomorrow to the co-ed open mic and try out some new and old stuff that's refined .. on MEN and WOMEN and see what the reaction is. 

As for future plans: I got my old gig back at Nom Wah on the weekends. I was back over Labor Day Weekend, had food poisoning this past weekend, and am taking this week off to focus on the solo show. I'll continue to be there on weekends, so long as training for my new gig doesn't start yet--which is starting in a week or two (they wanna start me off training in their other restaurants to gear up for the launch of the new place). I've got a new gig lined up starting in December/January. It's being a hostess at a newly built site, and I can't wait to share this part of the journey with y'all. This is gonna be another full-time gig, but at least it's hospitality/something that brings me so much joy. It will also give me an income that helps me continue to pursue the arts without being broke.

I guess for those young people reading this + pursuing the arts (I consider myself old, so anyone younger than me, is young): you have to give your acting journey your all. You cannot give up when you're broke / broken on the inside. So as long as you still have $50 in your bank account and that desire in your heart, you should keep going. It ain't easy going on this journey. Just let this experience, whatever it is (pain/joy) carry you through.

I got a tattoo during one of my most painful weeks at the BOE, and it says "Si haec insolita vera est, Quid exinde verum est?" It translates to: "if this unusual thing is true, then what else is true?" It's UCB's school's philosophy, and the way I interpreted it is: if this unusual shitty/painful situation is happening and present, then what else can happen? I lived through this and survived, so now I'm asking the world, what's next?

Bring it on!!!

PLEASE COME TO MY SOLO SHOW THIS SATURDAY/SUNDAY - 7PM - TBG STUDIO THEATRE. More info here.

LA and Beyond

This is crazy and belated, but I did it. I done did it. 

The LA show went down almost two months ago. It feels so surreal that it's over now. Months, weeks, or even days before the show, I was freaking out. How many people will come? What if people don't come? What if I forget the story? The day before the show, I wrote out thank you notes to folks.. up to the point my fingers started cramping. I was so anxious. I pooped so much before the show (ok, tmi).. I also reminded myself to relax the moment I stepped out on stage and that everything will be okay.

Everything was okay. There was a sizable crowd, and everyone was so supportive. I worried that jokes wouldn't land on the LA crowd, but it did (told myself not to worry about if things are "supposed to be" funny--just tell the damn story). In short, I am so relieved.

In October 2016, that little thought of bringing the show to Los Angeles was just a thought--a dream if you may. Then I decided to pursue that thought and see if it can become a reality. It costs a lot to get the theatre, but I was like fuck it! Life is too short to not do the things we wanna do, and so, I booked the space. The most difficult part is really spreading the word, and I'm so grateful CAPE (Coalition of Asian Pacifics for Entertainment), Kollaboration LA, and Project by Project LA supported the show by telling their networks about it. Everyone was so so supportive, and it made the whole LA show what it was--it felt like the whole entire community had my back.

Special thanks to Grace for letting me crash and helping me to get set pieces and loading, Karin for taking beautiful black and white photos, and Cindy, Amy, and Malina for capturing color photos. Sabrina for coming all the way from Oakland, and all the people who came out to the show. It meant the world to share the story with you. 

And now, I'm back to NYC. Back to reality. And everything is back to normal: classes (Improv 301! And Film & TV at The Barrow Group), hustle for AAIFF, work at Nom Wah, and writing--been outlining two feature films--and experiencing writer's block, ha! I'm getting over this hump where I have to sit down and write everything that's been on my mind with these two stories. I know the ending to both, it's just the journey (emotional) in between that is hard to write. I'll figure it out soon enough. Setting a deadline for the end of this month. Yes, always have deadlines. Otherwise, a dream is just a dream. Do.

I've also been reading Taraji P. Henson's memoir. I saw a video of her circulating on Facebook talking, where she gave a speech on what it means to ignore naysayers and keep on with keeping on. It inspired me so much that I picked up her book. This morning, I balled my eyes out when she talked about where she's from, her family, and her love life. I related so much to everything and got so emotional. She has this fire and sass, and unapologetic energy about her that no one can take away. She's a strong ass woman, and I'm working now to get as tough as her.

On my way home, I read the part where she talked about moving to Hollywood with no money and had to beg just to find a place to live. That shit is too real and inspiring. I have dreams of moving to Los Angeles (I told the head chef at Nom Wah last week and shit came out of my mouth), but I need some seed money and some brush-up on driving lessons. It'd probably take me two years to save up enough just to get a used car and rent for a few months. I never thought I would've said this, because let's be real, I don't even like LA that much. But like Taraji's father said, "why are you just living? Why aren't you going to LA where all the jobs are?" Her father's words is exactly what I don't wanna hear but need to hear.

Part of me wanna take it slow--one step at a time. But Taraji did it with no real acting credits, no agent in LA, no car, and no place to live, AND with a baby on her hip. If she can do it, I believe I can. I gotta stop making excuses. I have to be more daring.

I'm going through the mo right now, a rough patch if you will, but I promise I will look back one day and say I gave it my all. You have to, because otherwise, why start? 

Crazy spilling this out man. Time for beeeeed. Good night world.

Tomorrow is a new day. And.. the hustle continues! 

So long 2016

2016 was one of the best and most painful year of my life.

It was the first year in my artistic career that I finally decided to do something about my dreams and put on a solo show, a story I've been writing for the past 2.5 years. It was the first time I experienced pain as an artist, where I was confronted with what it means to be an artist: making art isn't about just making art--it's a business, you have to be an adult and make a living if you want to be an artist. With the show, there was a lot of pleasure but also a lot, a lot of pain and loneliness. And to sum up what I've learned: being an artist means you can pursue your dreams that fulfills you on the inside; but being an adult also means you need to survive and make money to keep the dream alive.

There have been thoughts surrounding what it means to be an artist and be a grown up in the past, but it came to me face-to-face this year because I had to put on a solo show using my most of my savings through working at AALDEF, then spending the next three to four months crossing fingers hoping people will buy tickets and show up. In the end, people did. My gut feeling didn't lie to me.

In the beginning though, it was a sad and lonely journey. I found MC Jin (found = stalk) my director towards the end of January and started heavily rehearsing in front of my refrigerator. In February, I told my brother I'm putting on previews in early May and he told me I shouldn't do it. Why waste money on something that you don't know for sure would make you the money back? I did it anyway. Friends showed up, I got feedback (some great, some hurtful--but the hurtful ones made me reflect and think the most, and helped me during the rewriting process). I spent the next three months revising because I wanted to put on a few more shows for more people to come. In August, I did, and all the shows were sold out. This whole putting up the show was extremely stressful. If you easily crack under stress, which I was a lot of times, it will kill you (if not physically, then mentally). In the end, I learned that you have to believe in your project so much; and most importantly, believe in yourself so much that it fuels you to keep moving forward during the dark times.
The show also put a strain between my relationship with my mom. She came to the show, despite not being able to understand any of the show. A few days later towards the end of August, she asked me if this is something I'd like to do for the rest of my life, and when I answered yes, she told me to find a real 9-to-5. Why go on such a hard road and waste time and money? It was the first time I felt so much pain for pursuing something I greatly believed in, and it was also the first time I fought back. It was painful. It was so painful. But I can't imagine myself doing anything else, and so I will keep going. She can't stop me. No one can. Only I can stop myself. And I won't. I'm bringing the show to Los Angeles: heyjudylei.com/soloshowtour/losangeles in April (04.23.2017 to be exact). And P.S. long story short, I canceled the show in London. This opportunity did allow me to finally have the guts to travel on my own and to two places I've always dreamt of going to: London and Paris!!!)

2016 was the year I finally caved in to the typical actor stereotype of working at a restaurant. I work at Nom Wah Tea Parlor and it drives me insane being on my feet for so long and having to work with so many different personalities. The beauty of it all is the hustle. The nonstop hustle. It makes me feel alive and that's why I like it--even though I cry so hard sometimes in the bathroom or break room. But like my boss said, "you know what else is tough? Life is tough, so keep going." Seriously, keep going.

2016--looking back at all the pictures, a lot of great things happened, in which I accomplished everything I set out to do and more; but for some reason, I realized I spent the entire year being unhappy or indifferent (more like refusing to acknowledge all the good things that are happening and finally admitting how sad I am deep inside--thanks to Chris Gethard's solo show).

For 2017, I would like to practice being grateful and also acknowledge what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling the way I do. I also have a whole list of resolutions I've written down on my planner: worry less, kick ass during LA solo show, write another solo show, rewrite feature film / shoot feature film, be in more film projects, work out once a week, have treat-yoself time once a month, drink more water (I always fuck up on the last one :x).

I have a feeling I'll hit all of these goals in the upcoming year, so let's keep on keeping on, shall we? :-)

Be Stubborn As Fuck

No seriously. It's been a month and more after the solo show ended, and I have to admit I went on an emotional whirlwind after the show ended--for many many reasons. Mainly, it was because of my mom. She came and saw the show, but because someone in the family made a comment about how hard the path will be, she told me to just do it as a hobby. I told her no, and shit just went ham. I swear I broke down for the very first time in front of her.

For four years, I went ahead and did whatever I wanted and ignored her comments, but I knew I had to stand up for myself. I had to let her know that this is what I really really want to do, and no 9-to-5 will ever be comparable to what this path is. It means so much to me and when I explain it, she doesn't understand. There's no tangible thing she is seeing. It took me a while to decompress and see that she will never understand because of her upbringing. But I have hope one day she'll come around.

I've been super down this past month, but slowly pulling myself up again. It's been a process.

The latest update is that I started working at Nom Wah Tea Parlour on weekends. When my mom found out, she went ham. I guess this is my way of telling her this IS what I wanna do. I'd rather work somewhere where it gives me freedom and clarity to keep chasing that dream. I really enjoy working with my co-workers and they are all so kind to me. I guess this is what will keep me afloat for now.

Creative-wise, I've been producing and writing. Producing a film for a good friend and just have been writing. Writing comes and goes. My goal is to have one good point a day until I can piece together a good story--before I outline, before I start writing. Gotta get clear on what I wanna tell, and why I wanna tell, before I tell. That's been increasingly more important than coming up with a random cool scene. Maybe when i write more, it'd all come full circle?

 I also signed up for Scene Study III for the next six months. Gotta put in work to master the craft. Like Ash Ketchum said, "I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was..." HAHAHA... I digress.  

I guess I'm writing this entry because I feel like i overcame this hump, and it feels fuckin amazing. It hurts, but after this battle, i gained a lot of clarity. Almost like I stood up for the very first time and admitted openly that this is the journey i want to go on for the rest of my life. It's scary. It creates a lot of anxiety. But I'd rather stick it out for a decade than to do something I'm only half-assing--you know?

And I swear this journey and path is not for the emotionally weak. You gotta keep standing up, showing up, or else you'll get knocked. And it's easy to get knocked if you don't have people surrounding you going on this journey together. So you gotta find people going through this shit. Hopefully you guys will stick it out together.

Cuz you gotta be stubborn to survive. Or like kids these days say, you gotta be stubborn as fuck, be present and keep fighting.

Be stubborn as fuck and keep going. Nothing else matters.

Keep going. 

Keep going

Yes, those are tears. So last Thursday, I was washing veggies in prep for dinner and my phone ding'd. I ran over to check, and it was from NY International Fringe Festival. Omg, I thought. The email took a while to load, and I was like please load faster, please. Then it loaded, and I got the notification saying that I didn't make it in, again. 

It burned. I don't know why but it hurts a lot more this time compared to last year's rejection. I think it's because I spent so much time rewriting it and developing it, and I thought it will grow my chances of becoming a part of this Fringe community. Like I wanted to make it so bad. But I fell short. 

But I don't think I fell short though. I wrote a 3-dimensional Chinese American character. I'm sorry I didn't write about struggling with my identity or looking to repair my relationship with my mother/father/family. It seems like those are Asian American themes, and I didn't write within that "Asian American Joy Luck Club" box. Not all of us are going through that shit, ok?

What I have is a badass chick. Like if I didn't tell you she's Asian or Chinese, it could've been anyone (has to be a person of color) from an inner city public high school. Like she talks hood because that's where she's from. She ain't afraid to show it and can seriously fight you if you mess with her. (But trust me, she ain't about to get suspended).

My friend once told me to not pay attention to festivals because those festivals don't define who you are as an artist (thanks E!). You are an artist and you made that piece of art because you want to tell and share that story. Having it in a festival doesn't mean anything.  Just keep hustling. Keep going ~

I'll sign off by saying that I'm still going to put this out in a theatre, open for the public in the Fall. Yassss to self-producing. Gotta believe in yourself before you wreck yourself.

Watch out world! I'm comin for yaaaaa!  :-)

Tears

The World's Greatest

In a month, I will give birth. Not that kinda baby though. Haha. More like the creative baby I've been carrying around for the past two years. I've been writing a solo show called THE WORLD'S GREATEST since January 2014. The story is about a badass Chinatown chick and her relationship with friends and family, and her journey in making it out of a failing NYC public high school. It sounds so serious, but it's a comedy. Haha.. Or at least the way it's written and the performance leans towards comedy. When the world is somewhat falling apart around you, comedy is the best medicine, yeah?

So the show's idea started in 2011. I just graduated from Smith College and had zero plans lined up. I was at home, on the couch, staring at the LSATs Kaplan books, but not really wanting to open it up. Aka no desire to study for that test. I don't know what came over me, but I wrote a monologue about a girl being accused of cheating on a test. She believes she's been wronged, but other kids in the class got no power to back her up and the teacher is already dead set on getting her suspended. It's like a childhood flashback but the intensity increased ten folds. Hahaha.. I started writing more and more, developing this crazy character. And then real life hit. I have to look for a job that pays. I can't be sitting around anymore. I stopped writing.

Landed a job with the government and I just felt a stronger desire to be elsewhere, doing something creative like acting and writing. Man. I walked to work for 30 minutes everyday and reflected. Far East Movement came out with their first big record album and Jeremy Lin came outta nowhere. I was like what? But then I found out they worked for years to get to where they are now. I was like if these kids can do it, I can do it too. And besides, life is too short. Gotta take chances while you're young. Just fuckin do it. So I did. I quit the job and never looked back.

But damn. It was hard. I studied acting for 1.5 years, and then some more, so in total 3 years. In between, I worked at admin jobs, did translation jobs, and hustled jobs here and there.

I look through castings everyday on Backstage and Actors Access. Backstage has some of the weirdest and most stereotypical shit, and Actors Access has an algorithm where if you have a reel, you're on top of the list, but if you don't, you're at the bottom pile. I don't have a reel. I paid to meet agents and casting directors for a few months, which went nowhere.  I'm like fuckkk.

Then I saw the solo show class being offered by my acting teacher, Seth Barrish. In that class, you can write your own materials and workshop it. It was my chance to write a story that makes sense to the world I came from. It's also a chance for me to showcase myself. I wrote and wrote. Then I hit a wall. Then I worked on a short film, and I stopped writing the solo show.

Then life happened and I had to work another 9 month gig to support myself. I worked on the solo show on the side and submitted it to the 2015 NY Fringe Festival and got rejected. I was so devastated. After that, I was like, I gotta get my shit together and work on it some more. I can't give up.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that: you have to motivate yourself. You cannot sit around and wait for someone to okay your work. You have to give yourself permission.

After wondering if I should just do this or not, I decided to self-produce two previews in May and I invited people whom I thought would appreciate it. Or to put it more simply, who would I want to come and see the show if I were to die right after the second preview. It was a crazy process where I hired a photographer, designer, and a director to put tangibles together. I took a leap of faith and asked (more like stalked) MC Jin if he's willing to direct it. And he said yes! I freaked the fuck out. He's a legend and I've been following his work since high school. After he said yes, I was thinking: am I dreaming right now? Can someone punch me in the face, so that I know I'm not dreaming? (ok, don't punch my face. I don't know how to fight)

The next phase came to actually inviting and asking people over and over to come (snail mail, email, texting, the whole shebang). I was so stressed out throughout this whole invite period and process, but I'm thrilled to announce both shows are sold out (only holding two tickets for the first night. Both tickets are on hold for two important people I really want to come and see the show). 

I think all in all, this whole show brought out everything I've been wanting to do with an acting career. I finally get to play someone I'm proud and excited about. It also brought out a lot of insecurities I have about myself as a writer and performer.

I applied for the NY International Fringe Festival again with a new draft in January 2016--but what if I get rejected again? But now, at this moment, I have this I don't care about rejection anymore attitude. If I don't get in Fringe, I will still self-produce the crap out of this show. I just want to share this story with the world. 

I'm ready. Are you?

Pati

Yesterday was an awesome day. Around noon, I found out I was casted in a short play called ATM directed by Heesu Chae. Around 5:30pm, I was sitting at White Rabbit Tattoo getting my second and most likely last tattoo (ha, that's what I said about the first one). But yesterday was awesome on so many levels. It was the first time in a long time where I felt I was moving towards something in this artistic career. First of all, I was in utter shock when I found out I got casted. I think it's the first time where I auditioned and was selected amongst others. I auditioned for the role on Friday evening and was so out of it during the audition, so to even be selected, wow. I remember thinking to myself in the audition room that there are people who are younger or more stylish than me who can play the free-spirited girl. Or I was thinking if I don't get this part, it'd be great audition practice for the next role. I'm usually terribly nervous during auditions, so I just told myself to have fun and don't think too much about it. And it worked! I think as actors, sometimes we get into our heads way too much and that self-deprecating talk ain't gonna help. Gonna remember to do that for every audition from now on and just have fun.

On another note, I can't believe I got another tattoo. It says pati and has a lightning bolt on it. Pati is the latin root for the words passion and patience, and it means to suffer or endure. I first heard about this word through my brother. He was watching American Idol, and a singer who was auditioning told the judges that the journey he's in in making music represents pati, which means to suffer greatly to do the things you love. After my bro finished watching that episode, he immediately showed me. He thought I would like the word/idea, and I did. I kept thinking about getting it as a tattoo, but another idea I had was just to get a thunderbolt to represent my surname/Pikachu. I thought, hey, why not get both, and I did. I still remember the pain I felt the first time I got a tattoo about 1.5 years ago, so it wasn't that bad. Now, it's just healing. -- For the past few weeks or even months, I have been working to get out of this rut I've been on since the beginning of winter. I didn't want to admit it, but I had a lot of pain--so much on my mind. Like where am I going with this acting career, and who can really understand and know what I'm going through. I guess I felt very alone in this process. I was stressing and thinking a lot. At some point, I thought of just giving up. Everybody around me was getting into grad/law school and I wanted to follow suit. But then I sat down and had to question whether what they have is really what I want. When the answer is repeatedly no, I knew I had to hone in and focus.

Although I was in pain, I knew only time can solve/heal everything. I still have a lot to grow--getting better, growing up, opening up more, sharing more of what I truly am thinking to others instead of just smiling and saying everything is good. I don't want to burden others, and I want to be a ball of happiness. So instead of hanging out with friends, I spent a lot of time alone and with my brother, who is truly my best friend. I don't know where I will be without his love and support.

I guess at the end of the day, it's so important to just take time and think through what you really want. Sometimes the answer might not be obvious, but just listen to that inner voice--never let anything else distract you. And also, work hard, work smart, and what we really want will be right in front of us. Not because it decided to show up, but because you worked so hard that what you built is now finally ready, finally here. Take charge and go. Nothing else is stopping us now.

Let it go

Yesterday was the last night I got to play Veronica in The Motherfucker with the Hat in class. It was really bittersweet. In many ways, I think Veronica and I have a lot in common (personality wise). Yes, she curses up a storm; yes, she tries to get the last word in; but one thing I admire most about her, is her willingness to wait for her love (Jackie) to come out of jail--even though she cheated while he was in jail. She still loves him and very much wanna be with him. Am I not supposed to reveal that here? Opps. I've never been through anything like that, but I can empathize with both Veronica and Jackie. Their love and relationship, is what I like most about this play. If I were to dream on, I would love to play Veronica on stage someday. I don't know if this play will be put on again, since it already premiered on Broadway in 2011; but it'd be dope. Real dope.

Since I stopped making YouTube videos, I have been focusing on acting (rehearsing a lot more, going over lines on the subway, in the streets, at work talking to myself, literally everywhere) and writing more for the solo show. I felt like I improved a lot just by going up last night. We went first, and I didn't even think about anything, not even the lines. I thought, this is no big deal; I prepared for this. Because I was more prepared,  I was definitely more confident. I was ready to let everything go and just go for it. And it's not like I never prepared before, it's just that, now, because I admitted to myself I wanna fuckin' act and just be, my whole mind and body is just like, you go girl, you got this! I have never felt that way .. well, since 2012 when I started anyway. I keep wondering what took me so long to admit this. How I lost sight of everything else and now i just jump right in. I got lost or distracted along the way, but I'm glad I found a sense of ownership.

Although I found myself last night, I still think about mommalei and what she thinks. She found out through Facebook that I am not gonna do YouTube anymore and was really shocked and sad. She also found out from the same status that I will keep pursuing acting and she immediately flipped out. She went on with the usual (not stable, terrible decision), and the conversation ended as it usually does--we both don't know what to say to each other.

Back then, I care deeply about what she thinks. But last night, last night while I was showering, I was like, whatever. This IS me now. And there's nothing she or anybody can do or say that can stop me from working on this journey. Yes, I'm no longer "hoping" to be in this industry. I will work to make shit happen.

Can't believe it took 28 months, or 2.33 years for me to take charge of this feeling (is my math on point or what?), but I'm glad I fucked around along the way to get to this point. I guess this is life?

I'll keep doing, working, and dreaming. Keep going and don't think! Don't think! ;)

This is only a test pt 2

About two nights ago, I bumped into an old high school buddy on the subway platform. It was late.. my bro and I just had a late dinner. It felt odd. If you met me while I was still in high school, you'll probably remember me as an over-achieving, straight-edge type of girl that will cry over an 86. All that because she knew what it was like to fail and hit rock bottom -- but that's another story for another post. The reason why the whole interaction was odd was because neither of us imagined our lives to be where it is today. For some reason, I always imagined myself as someone who will jump head-on into the corporate world and take charge of a company. I guess being politicized in college changed everything.. but then again, that's a different story for another post. Back to this post. I bring this up because at some point within the past month, I thought about doing something else other than acting. For real. For those of you who are artists (starting out/mid-way established), you know you'll always have a gig to support yourself; and for me, I had a temp-gig at this liquor company. Some time about a few months ago, I thought of leaving the company because I didn't know why the heck I was there, but I stayed because I needed the money to support myself in classes and such. In May, I pretty much wrapped up all my classes, and in June, I finally decided to leave that gig. At the time I was about to exit, some community work came up. So I took the chance and applied for that community gig. I felt so confident about changing up my life again, ready to dig deep into that 9-to-5, ready to make acting just my side gig. It was as if god was testing me, to see how much I was willing to hold out with acting. I can't believe how fast I thought about applying for something else. I guess I secretly crave for that stability.

In the end, I didn't end up getting it. And this is funny, because something similar happened to me right after I graduated college-- I applied for something in DC, but they never got my app, and I took a 360 and decided to take an acting class. Believe me, I felt completely beat up after not getting the community gig. I felt as if I have failed again. But somewhere along the lines, I realized how much work I still have/want to do in acting. I shouldn't give up. I'm still hungry to learn more, and I still want to work on it. It's a process, and I ain't done.

Now, I just need to figure out a way to live for the next few months. But deep down within me, I feel like this is a blessing in disguise: god is telling me to hold on and not let go. This is another curve he is throwing me to test my resilience.

I shouldn't give up. I won't give up. I'll keep on going.

Patience

For the past week or so, a lot of thoughts swam through my mind. I became hyperconscious of these thoughts, and most of them are somewhere along the lines of: have I done enough? Am I doing anything? Or what have I done? In other words, I keep stressing about how far I still need to go, rather than how far I've come. For me, it's easy to compare myself to x, y, and z. I think it's a natural thing for me to do... maybe because I used to be an overly competitive person. Over the college years, that sense of competitiveness died out because I was more focused on learning rather than numbers. At some point, I loathe people who worry about that GPA. I very much felt relaxed and enjoyed learning much more.

I don't know why that sense of needing to be at the finish line is resurfacing these days. I guess it's because of uncertainty? Other than that, it's just about sitting back, and enjoying the ride. Maybe it's not about the end product, and much more about the process. Maybe our sense of reaching success (however you define it) can overpower your sense of doing work. How can one let go of that sense of wanting to get there? I'm still trying to figure it out. I guess that's only human?

Sometimes letting go is the easiest thing to do, but often forgotten.

And I guess someone in class said something that really spark this thought process, and it goes:

older dude to a younger dude: how old are you kid? YD: it doesn't matter. OD: well, I've been in the game longer than you. You've got years ahead of you.

It's about the process. It's about patience. Do the work, sit back, and enjoy the bumpy ride. If you can't handle turbulence, get off the ride, and take another train.

That is life. I'm still learning.

first audition

My first audition happened when I was 17 and it was for 2g, an Asian American Theatre Company; they were casting for a series of 10 minute plays. I browsed through the cast descriptions and found a play casting a 17 year old girl. That's me, i thought! And then I read on: To submit yourself for a role, you need to send in a headshot and resume. I didn't have either. So I immediately went into the bathroom and took a selfie of myself with a WongFu t-shirt and a big ass smile with braces. I consider that as my first headshot. I printed out the headshot on printer paper, and thank god I have enough color ink! I sent the headshot and resume in, and heard back within a day with audition info. Whao, now I have a chance. The audition was held right across the street from The Public Theatre. I ran up the stairs and saw people waiting. I asked if this was the spot, and someone said yes. I took a side and sat on the floor. A girl directly across from me was prepping. And by prepping, I mean, she really got into the character. Like in it in it. It was quite scary.

They finally called my name, and I went into the room. There were two guys in the room, one man named Lloyd (the person who I was emailing with) and the reader. He was super friendly and said "Oh, you're the girl with the braces!" It was quite cool because I'll be so believable for a 17 year old. I read through the whole scene twice and then it was over. I awkwardly stumbled my way out of the room. It was pretty nerve-wrecking, but it was my first glimpse as to what the audience process involves.

In the end, I didn't get the part. I went to watch the show and saw some many talented people on the stage. I wondered what I had to do to get to their level.

After not getting the part, I found out a month later that I didn't get in the three Drama Programs I applied for. It was a real bummer for me, and I wondered if acting was right for me. I questioned myself again and again, until the thought of being an actor just faded away. I knew deep down within me there's this tiny voice telling me I want to become one -- but how?

After getting back into the craft several years later, I realized it's more about persistence than anything else. Sure, when I was 17 I was completely devastated in not getting the part. But I think that re-routed me into a different path, into a non-actors path, and then getting back on it. This first audition taught me if you have a love for something deep within you -- you'll someday run back to it. And when you get reunited with the craft and nothing changes, you will know it's love.

fresh start

The year 2014 arrived around three weeks ago, and as usual, I left this blog .. un-updated. A lot has happened since the last post, but I didn't write about it. I should really put myself on a schedule. Perhaps one post per week? That's not too much to ask, right Judy? I started the Solo Show and Scene Study class at TBG. Both is like a fresh start. Previously, I was in the 1.5 year program, and after a year, you just get accustomed to everyone in the class and everything becomes the usual. Or to be it bluntly, I desperately wanted to start off in another class. Maybe I had a slow start in the 1.5 year program? Maybe I didn't connect or work with as much people as I had hoped? Anyway, the Solo Show class is all about developing the writing/storytelling process; the Scene Study is a continuation of developing the tbg tools and giving yourself directions/self-adjustments. Both classes complement each other, and I can't wait to perform segments of the solo show to put everything i learned into prospective.

But to go off on the process of the solo show for a bit: I feel stuck. Not stuck in the sense of i don't know what i'm writing. But stuck in the sense that i know what i want to say, what kind of story i want to tell. I tell this to my brother, and he plain said my story isn't juicy enough. He asked: if you were an audience member, will you buy a ticket to watch your show? Honestly! So, that's why i'm stuck.

Maybe i should just flip the finger and follow my gut into telling the story i want to tell. Yes, i'll do that.

Fresh start to the new year, and my motto for 2014? Don't give a fuck about what others think or say.