If you read the title of this blog post and thought you’re in this to get some scientific insight, you’re at the wrong place. Law is not healing. In fact, I got burned by a lawsuit re: the film, right after the previous post in November, over Thanksgiving weekend. A lot of time have passed between then and now—9 months to be exact. There’s so much to say, but I cannot share anything that happened, except for the fact that I’m forever changed as a person: my perception of justice, changed. I never thought I’d say this, but the justice system is fucked. In the end, only those with money, or those who play victim, win. I felt so helpless, so hopeless, that I didn’t know if I would ever dig myself out of that dark place. For the longest time, I haven’t been able to. Up until now, I still don’t know if I’m in that dark place. That dark feeling comes and goes. Now that it’s been 9 months, it comes back less often. My coping mechanism have subsided (slightly).
Because of all this, I thought about applying to law school for the past 3ish month or so. I spent my days looking through application components, watching YouTube videos on how someone got their LSAT from a 153 to a 174 (WHAT!) or what Law School Admissions Counselor look for in an applicant. I even bought a $56 LSAT Trainer book and paid for expedited shipping! I was all-in with the process. I wrote a draft of my personal statement, wrote that school’s 250 essay, and was in the process of sending it around for feedback. And then I started talking to people who have gone to law school—current students, students who just graduated within the past five or so years, and my boss (lawyer) who teaches at a law school. They all asked me why I wanted to go to law school and what I’m hoping to do with my law degree after I graduate. They also explained the debt… and what the job market looks like now. It all sounded dreadful and very, very, very, very, very depressing. I got even more depressed just listening to their perspectives.
As I was mulling over this process over the three month period, I also went out to more comedy shows (two Hack City Comedy shows, Ali Wong’s show at the Beacon Theatre, and AAIFF’s Comedy Night, to be specific). I saw the comics in flesh—not on Zoom, just like the old times. I slapped my thighs so hard to make noise for the comic, because I’m holding a drink in my other hand (LOL). I laughed until I cried. I felt reinvigorated, alive. It was in that moment, that I realized I am in love with comedy. Not law. Comedy.
During the entire pandemic, I have had a lot of moments where I wanted to give up the artistic path to go into something more stable, like law. But if I were to dig deeper into myself, I realized I love film and comedy infinitely more than law. In a way, I need to stop holding on to the false sense of security that comes with law. Law does not change the game, it merely upholds all the rules established a long time ago.
One other thing I’d say before I drop off … hopefully not for another 9 months, is that I’d rather be depressed doing something I love, than be depressed doing something I am not that interested in. I also have come to this point in my life where I show up for myself. I would rather die with Pikachu and the art I make, than to be with someone who doesn’t respect/appreciate what I’m trying to do. I love what I do.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m still not completely healed. I’m still healing. And healing takes time. I’m going to take some time to rediscover what it is I want to say + how I’m going to say it.
I’m glad I’m taking the steps to heal. :’)
