Lately, I have been feeling a bit stressed. At times, I wondered if I had made the right decision to become an artist amd organizer. It feels like a constant struggle because I have a lack of knowledge within the field of acting & I don't have a mentor and it is hard navigating this path on my own; and working at a nonprofit with limited resources can be exhausting. I only wish I can find answers to my long list of questions, and sometimes the only person I can turn to is myself. It's hard. On the surface, it seems so easy. But in reality, I feel like I have to put in 10x the effort to produce work, and not get anything in return. I never asked for anything in return, because I chose this path on my own. My mom doesn't know what I'm doing, or she is playing dumb... but sometimes I wish I can just tell her what my dreams are: to create a kickass experience at the film festival for the staff, audience, filmmakers, and volunteers and to become the best actor I can be. I'm just starting out in this long, hard journey--and it is just gonna get tougher. There is a lot of pressure I give myself, and I know I should let it go before I burn out. This kind of pressure pushes me to the edge sometimes, but I keep telling myself that it is all gonna be worth it once it is over. Maybe when more staff comes on board, or when I find a mentor, it'd be easier. But for now, I just go to the gym and run miles to relieve the stress. (Hopefully, I won't develop monster calves :P).
2013, it feels weird pronouncing your presence, but i guess you were gonna be here sooner or later. So welcome. 2012 was one of the craziest year, ever! There were many twist and turns throughout the year: from being lost and confused about what I'm most passionate about after coming back from Hong Kong, to landing a position at the Congresswoman's office, to recognizing life is too short to live out others' expectation of you, to really finding the courage to pursue an unsteady, yet gratifying journey as an actor/writer. Everything--from decision a to b, took a lot of contemplation. Towards the tail-end of 2012, I kept thinking about how i had the balls to do half of the things i did. But i think they call this growth--or maturity.
For 2013, i want to continue to grow and mature as a worker and artist. I am thankful to be working for an organization i truly believe in, so planning and executing programs will be fun and exciting. I also want to learn and grow more as a performer and writer. I need to go out and watch more shows/movie and read more. I have to finish the script by the end of this month. I have to put in more work. I have to put in more work.
Some personal goals for 2013: -Eat out less and learn how to cook (the pan turned brown and the whole apartment smell burnt... and i was only cooking scrambled eggs!!!) -Recognize people who matter and appreciate them -Stay positive. I've been through a lot in my life that staying positive is something i constantly struggle with. Now that im mindful about it, im gonna work on it. It is a process. Gotta keep my head up. -Stay in shape. I almost died during my first day back at the gym three weeks ago. Now, im kicking ass (hehe jk). I signed up because my body was telling me something. I have to keep working on staying fit, or else i will be breathless/unhealthy again...yikes!
What did you do in 2012 and what are you hoping to accomplish in 2013?
Since last April, I have been going through a roller coaster with my health. At times, I will feel normal; but on some days, I'm off. I don't want to go into too much detail about what has been happening, I just know some things need to change. And today, I'm finally going to make a commitment and join the gym (commitment, gasp!). This is not the only time I had to make some sort of physical adjustment. From age 8-14, I was overweight from eating a bunch of junk food (I had chips with rice--you can never beat that combo). I was fat and out of shape. In junior high school, our teacher brought us to run along the East River. I tried jogging for a bit, but I ran out of breath. I asked if I can do some racewalking instead. Thinking about it now makes me laugh. Of course he said no and I had to run... everybody else was running. I almost died because we had to do a mile. I kept telling myself I can't do this, I can't do this. But my teacher came right beside me and asked if we can run together. I felt so embarassed, yet happy that he asked. And so, we ran together. Slowly, but surely, we finished the mile.
After that day, the whole class would run together during gym time. After a few classes, we also formed a track team. I joined and chose to run distance. I fell in love with running. I stopped running in high school and picked it up in college again. After college, I ran outside during the summer, but I would always give myself excuses--it was too hot or too cold. Now that it is indoors, I don't have any excuses. Commitment. I consider this an early Christmas present. I'm pretty excited about getting fit and training for a healthier heart. Cheers to a healthier me! :)