FOREVER.MAYBE

It’s been almost a year and a half since FOREVER MAYBE was shot. It’s a short film I made after coming back to NYC from INTERIOR CHINATOWN. I was itching to make something with everything I learned from being in Los Angeles. I knew I wasn’t ready to dive into another feature film. To be honest, after making the first feature film, I felt so beaten down that I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to make another film. I was that traumatized. Now that I look back, I wonder how I survived. How did it end up the way it did and how did I even manage to finish the film? Looking back now, I am so proud of myself for making it through. Sometimes, you just gotta make it through. Finish what you set out to do.

A short film is the perfect litmus test to see whether I still have it in me. The process was similar to the feature in that you still have to assemble a team, you still have people doubting you, and you still have that naggy inner voice telling you: don’t do it! Also, because I wanted to work with another SAG union actor, the whole project went through the SAG signatory process (I chose to use the Short Project Agreement because I wanted to join SAG-AFTRA badly, so we went through the entire process of getting payroll, insurance, and filling out the many forms that’s required). There was another contract that we could’ve used (Microbudget Agreement) to streamline certain things, but that will not allow me to join the union. Although this is a one-day shoot, the process is still the same. As a person who have gone through many admin positions in my life, I didn’t find the paperwork scary. It was just that time was against us, and there were a lot of papers to fill out/asking for the same information over and over again!

After we finished a cut of the film in spring 2024, something felt off; so Christine, the editor, and I took a break (I also got a new full-time job during that time period, so lots were happening). Ended up editing a bit of it a few months later and then found someone who can work on post-sound, which is another beast/another expense. It was all done around December + the film was submitted to various film festivals.

Lo and behold, this film didn’t get in any film festivals. Technically, we’re still waiting for one more festival’s response, but I am not banking on it, nor do I see it as an important way for this film to be seen. So tonight, on 09.03.2025, I shared it on Instagram and it already reached audiences online. Although I was deeply saddened about it not being a part of any film festivals, having people watch + responding to it online, made me wonder why I was beating myself up about it not playing in a film festival in the first place. Maybe I thought if it was a part of a film festival, it will make others think I’m “making it” as a filmmaker. Validation galore… How silly of me to think that way.

My next film, BIZ OF VIZ, is all about film festivals’ struggles. That’s all I’m gonna say for now because a lot of shit goes down and a lot of questions are asked and there may never be any answers. More to come in the next month or two about this new project. Stay tuned!

LA and Beyond

This is crazy and belated, but I did it. I done did it. 

The LA show went down almost two months ago. It feels so surreal that it's over now. Months, weeks, or even days before the show, I was freaking out. How many people will come? What if people don't come? What if I forget the story? The day before the show, I wrote out thank you notes to folks.. up to the point my fingers started cramping. I was so anxious. I pooped so much before the show (ok, tmi).. I also reminded myself to relax the moment I stepped out on stage and that everything will be okay.

Everything was okay. There was a sizable crowd, and everyone was so supportive. I worried that jokes wouldn't land on the LA crowd, but it did (told myself not to worry about if things are "supposed to be" funny--just tell the damn story). In short, I am so relieved.

In October 2016, that little thought of bringing the show to Los Angeles was just a thought--a dream if you may. Then I decided to pursue that thought and see if it can become a reality. It costs a lot to get the theatre, but I was like fuck it! Life is too short to not do the things we wanna do, and so, I booked the space. The most difficult part is really spreading the word, and I'm so grateful CAPE (Coalition of Asian Pacifics for Entertainment), Kollaboration LA, and Project by Project LA supported the show by telling their networks about it. Everyone was so so supportive, and it made the whole LA show what it was--it felt like the whole entire community had my back.

Special thanks to Grace for letting me crash and helping me to get set pieces and loading, Karin for taking beautiful black and white photos, and Cindy, Amy, and Malina for capturing color photos. Sabrina for coming all the way from Oakland, and all the people who came out to the show. It meant the world to share the story with you. 

And now, I'm back to NYC. Back to reality. And everything is back to normal: classes (Improv 301! And Film & TV at The Barrow Group), hustle for AAIFF, work at Nom Wah, and writing--been outlining two feature films--and experiencing writer's block, ha! I'm getting over this hump where I have to sit down and write everything that's been on my mind with these two stories. I know the ending to both, it's just the journey (emotional) in between that is hard to write. I'll figure it out soon enough. Setting a deadline for the end of this month. Yes, always have deadlines. Otherwise, a dream is just a dream. Do.

I've also been reading Taraji P. Henson's memoir. I saw a video of her circulating on Facebook talking, where she gave a speech on what it means to ignore naysayers and keep on with keeping on. It inspired me so much that I picked up her book. This morning, I balled my eyes out when she talked about where she's from, her family, and her love life. I related so much to everything and got so emotional. She has this fire and sass, and unapologetic energy about her that no one can take away. She's a strong ass woman, and I'm working now to get as tough as her.

On my way home, I read the part where she talked about moving to Hollywood with no money and had to beg just to find a place to live. That shit is too real and inspiring. I have dreams of moving to Los Angeles (I told the head chef at Nom Wah last week and shit came out of my mouth), but I need some seed money and some brush-up on driving lessons. It'd probably take me two years to save up enough just to get a used car and rent for a few months. I never thought I would've said this, because let's be real, I don't even like LA that much. But like Taraji's father said, "why are you just living? Why aren't you going to LA where all the jobs are?" Her father's words is exactly what I don't wanna hear but need to hear.

Part of me wanna take it slow--one step at a time. But Taraji did it with no real acting credits, no agent in LA, no car, and no place to live, AND with a baby on her hip. If she can do it, I believe I can. I gotta stop making excuses. I have to be more daring.

I'm going through the mo right now, a rough patch if you will, but I promise I will look back one day and say I gave it my all. You have to, because otherwise, why start? 

Crazy spilling this out man. Time for beeeeed. Good night world.

Tomorrow is a new day. And.. the hustle continues! 

Monologue 10: Go Buck on a Motherf*cker!

Seriously, this is my favorite play.  It is horrible because I curse left and right, but I think the inner "hood" girl in me comes out.  I've never "acted" like this in front of other people -- wait, when I get angry at work, this side of me comes out -- but it is definitely something I can bring out if I want to.  Many people think I'm a nice sweet girl when they meet me.  When I was at Trader Joes, the cashier asked me what I was reading, and I said The Motherfucker with the Hat.  He laughed.  He said, "But you're so sweet looking.."  Anyway, he doesn't know anything about me. At first, I tried recording this video in the subway station because it looked gritty -- perfect for this monologue.  But then I realized it might be better indoors.  It is quieter and I can focus more.  I did several takes.  The first take just to warm-up to the lines (I record my videos from first-take on because sometimes I am more relaxed during the first go), and as I get more and more familiar with the lines... the circumstances kick in and I get so angry and I do it so much faster.  I always wonder if I need to slow down towards the end.  I end up having two cuts.  First cut is just getting the lines down, and then surprisingly, second take was good.  Towards the 5th and last take, my words became so much more fluid.   I get more relaxed and I also allow myself to just speak like an normal person.  When you're so caught up in playing a character -- a make-believer, that you forget to act like a normal human being.  So a future assignment I'll throw myself is just to stop thinking what an actor does or how a normal human being acts, and just act.

I hope I don't have to think  and just do it.  But it takes lot of practice.  Practicing now...