The World's Greatest

In a month, I will give birth. Not that kinda baby though. Haha. More like the creative baby I've been carrying around for the past two years. I've been writing a solo show called THE WORLD'S GREATEST since January 2014. The story is about a badass Chinatown chick and her relationship with friends and family, and her journey in making it out of a failing NYC public high school. It sounds so serious, but it's a comedy. Haha.. Or at least the way it's written and the performance leans towards comedy. When the world is somewhat falling apart around you, comedy is the best medicine, yeah?

So the show's idea started in 2011. I just graduated from Smith College and had zero plans lined up. I was at home, on the couch, staring at the LSATs Kaplan books, but not really wanting to open it up. Aka no desire to study for that test. I don't know what came over me, but I wrote a monologue about a girl being accused of cheating on a test. She believes she's been wronged, but other kids in the class got no power to back her up and the teacher is already dead set on getting her suspended. It's like a childhood flashback but the intensity increased ten folds. Hahaha.. I started writing more and more, developing this crazy character. And then real life hit. I have to look for a job that pays. I can't be sitting around anymore. I stopped writing.

Landed a job with the government and I just felt a stronger desire to be elsewhere, doing something creative like acting and writing. Man. I walked to work for 30 minutes everyday and reflected. Far East Movement came out with their first big record album and Jeremy Lin came outta nowhere. I was like what? But then I found out they worked for years to get to where they are now. I was like if these kids can do it, I can do it too. And besides, life is too short. Gotta take chances while you're young. Just fuckin do it. So I did. I quit the job and never looked back.

But damn. It was hard. I studied acting for 1.5 years, and then some more, so in total 3 years. In between, I worked at admin jobs, did translation jobs, and hustled jobs here and there.

I look through castings everyday on Backstage and Actors Access. Backstage has some of the weirdest and most stereotypical shit, and Actors Access has an algorithm where if you have a reel, you're on top of the list, but if you don't, you're at the bottom pile. I don't have a reel. I paid to meet agents and casting directors for a few months, which went nowhere.  I'm like fuckkk.

Then I saw the solo show class being offered by my acting teacher, Seth Barrish. In that class, you can write your own materials and workshop it. It was my chance to write a story that makes sense to the world I came from. It's also a chance for me to showcase myself. I wrote and wrote. Then I hit a wall. Then I worked on a short film, and I stopped writing the solo show.

Then life happened and I had to work another 9 month gig to support myself. I worked on the solo show on the side and submitted it to the 2015 NY Fringe Festival and got rejected. I was so devastated. After that, I was like, I gotta get my shit together and work on it some more. I can't give up.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that: you have to motivate yourself. You cannot sit around and wait for someone to okay your work. You have to give yourself permission.

After wondering if I should just do this or not, I decided to self-produce two previews in May and I invited people whom I thought would appreciate it. Or to put it more simply, who would I want to come and see the show if I were to die right after the second preview. It was a crazy process where I hired a photographer, designer, and a director to put tangibles together. I took a leap of faith and asked (more like stalked) MC Jin if he's willing to direct it. And he said yes! I freaked the fuck out. He's a legend and I've been following his work since high school. After he said yes, I was thinking: am I dreaming right now? Can someone punch me in the face, so that I know I'm not dreaming? (ok, don't punch my face. I don't know how to fight)

The next phase came to actually inviting and asking people over and over to come (snail mail, email, texting, the whole shebang). I was so stressed out throughout this whole invite period and process, but I'm thrilled to announce both shows are sold out (only holding two tickets for the first night. Both tickets are on hold for two important people I really want to come and see the show). 

I think all in all, this whole show brought out everything I've been wanting to do with an acting career. I finally get to play someone I'm proud and excited about. It also brought out a lot of insecurities I have about myself as a writer and performer.

I applied for the NY International Fringe Festival again with a new draft in January 2016--but what if I get rejected again? But now, at this moment, I have this I don't care about rejection anymore attitude. If I don't get in Fringe, I will still self-produce the crap out of this show. I just want to share this story with the world. 

I'm ready. Are you?

Pati

Yesterday was an awesome day. Around noon, I found out I was casted in a short play called ATM directed by Heesu Chae. Around 5:30pm, I was sitting at White Rabbit Tattoo getting my second and most likely last tattoo (ha, that's what I said about the first one). But yesterday was awesome on so many levels. It was the first time in a long time where I felt I was moving towards something in this artistic career. First of all, I was in utter shock when I found out I got casted. I think it's the first time where I auditioned and was selected amongst others. I auditioned for the role on Friday evening and was so out of it during the audition, so to even be selected, wow. I remember thinking to myself in the audition room that there are people who are younger or more stylish than me who can play the free-spirited girl. Or I was thinking if I don't get this part, it'd be great audition practice for the next role. I'm usually terribly nervous during auditions, so I just told myself to have fun and don't think too much about it. And it worked! I think as actors, sometimes we get into our heads way too much and that self-deprecating talk ain't gonna help. Gonna remember to do that for every audition from now on and just have fun.

On another note, I can't believe I got another tattoo. It says pati and has a lightning bolt on it. Pati is the latin root for the words passion and patience, and it means to suffer or endure. I first heard about this word through my brother. He was watching American Idol, and a singer who was auditioning told the judges that the journey he's in in making music represents pati, which means to suffer greatly to do the things you love. After my bro finished watching that episode, he immediately showed me. He thought I would like the word/idea, and I did. I kept thinking about getting it as a tattoo, but another idea I had was just to get a thunderbolt to represent my surname/Pikachu. I thought, hey, why not get both, and I did. I still remember the pain I felt the first time I got a tattoo about 1.5 years ago, so it wasn't that bad. Now, it's just healing. -- For the past few weeks or even months, I have been working to get out of this rut I've been on since the beginning of winter. I didn't want to admit it, but I had a lot of pain--so much on my mind. Like where am I going with this acting career, and who can really understand and know what I'm going through. I guess I felt very alone in this process. I was stressing and thinking a lot. At some point, I thought of just giving up. Everybody around me was getting into grad/law school and I wanted to follow suit. But then I sat down and had to question whether what they have is really what I want. When the answer is repeatedly no, I knew I had to hone in and focus.

Although I was in pain, I knew only time can solve/heal everything. I still have a lot to grow--getting better, growing up, opening up more, sharing more of what I truly am thinking to others instead of just smiling and saying everything is good. I don't want to burden others, and I want to be a ball of happiness. So instead of hanging out with friends, I spent a lot of time alone and with my brother, who is truly my best friend. I don't know where I will be without his love and support.

I guess at the end of the day, it's so important to just take time and think through what you really want. Sometimes the answer might not be obvious, but just listen to that inner voice--never let anything else distract you. And also, work hard, work smart, and what we really want will be right in front of us. Not because it decided to show up, but because you worked so hard that what you built is now finally ready, finally here. Take charge and go. Nothing else is stopping us now.

Patience

For the past week or so, a lot of thoughts swam through my mind. I became hyperconscious of these thoughts, and most of them are somewhere along the lines of: have I done enough? Am I doing anything? Or what have I done? In other words, I keep stressing about how far I still need to go, rather than how far I've come. For me, it's easy to compare myself to x, y, and z. I think it's a natural thing for me to do... maybe because I used to be an overly competitive person. Over the college years, that sense of competitiveness died out because I was more focused on learning rather than numbers. At some point, I loathe people who worry about that GPA. I very much felt relaxed and enjoyed learning much more.

I don't know why that sense of needing to be at the finish line is resurfacing these days. I guess it's because of uncertainty? Other than that, it's just about sitting back, and enjoying the ride. Maybe it's not about the end product, and much more about the process. Maybe our sense of reaching success (however you define it) can overpower your sense of doing work. How can one let go of that sense of wanting to get there? I'm still trying to figure it out. I guess that's only human?

Sometimes letting go is the easiest thing to do, but often forgotten.

And I guess someone in class said something that really spark this thought process, and it goes:

older dude to a younger dude: how old are you kid? YD: it doesn't matter. OD: well, I've been in the game longer than you. You've got years ahead of you.

It's about the process. It's about patience. Do the work, sit back, and enjoy the bumpy ride. If you can't handle turbulence, get off the ride, and take another train.

That is life. I'm still learning.

Processing

Tonight, i fucked up. In Scene Study class. I was doing a scene from THE MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE HAT, and i am still trying to process the reasons why it happened the way it happened. And I'm not trying to linger in it, I'm just trying to figure out why so I don't ever do it again. Process. So the scene is about two lovers. The guy comes home with a job, the girlfriend gets excited, they were gonna get busy, but she wants to shower first. He discovers a hat and questions her why is there a hat that doesn't belong to him, she denies the fact the hat has anything to do with her. He confronts her and ask why the bed smells like someone just had sex, she says he's crazy and making up things in his mind, he says maybe I am crazy but who is the guy with the hat/slept on this bed? She tries to get him to go to the pie place to talk it out, he agrees.

That's the story. For some reason, after we built the set and the scene started, there was a moment of oh-shit. When we met up to run lines, we did it in a specific way--we made a lot choices with accents, how the character is acting at this point. After we split, I gave myself things to do in the room during certain lines. The way I read or imagine the character stays with me though, and when I performed in class today, and everything I/we prepared pretty much went sour. We didn't say it like the way we rehearsed it, and we were lost.

As i'm writing this, i realize one of the biggest problem i made. I went ahead of myself.. or i had an idea how the scene was supposed to go--how to act it, how it should sound. l almost forgot the thing i told myself to do.. which is.. to let it all go. Get down to the story, and never get to your head about what should/should not happen. Just go with the flow and let the story take you to that landing point.

As I'm realizing this, I know what to do for next week. Still processing what happened this week, but I should just let that go too. Just gotta keep working on it.

Process!!!