Lately, I have been feeling a bit stressed. At times, I wondered if I had made the right decision to become an artist amd organizer. It feels like a constant struggle because I have a lack of knowledge within the field of acting & I don't have a mentor and it is hard navigating this path on my own; and working at a nonprofit with limited resources can be exhausting. I only wish I can find answers to my long list of questions, and sometimes the only person I can turn to is myself. It's hard. On the surface, it seems so easy. But in reality, I feel like I have to put in 10x the effort to produce work, and not get anything in return. I never asked for anything in return, because I chose this path on my own. My mom doesn't know what I'm doing, or she is playing dumb... but sometimes I wish I can just tell her what my dreams are: to create a kickass experience at the film festival for the staff, audience, filmmakers, and volunteers and to become the best actor I can be. I'm just starting out in this long, hard journey--and it is just gonna get tougher. There is a lot of pressure I give myself, and I know I should let it go before I burn out. This kind of pressure pushes me to the edge sometimes, but I keep telling myself that it is all gonna be worth it once it is over. Maybe when more staff comes on board, or when I find a mentor, it'd be easier. But for now, I just go to the gym and run miles to relieve the stress. (Hopefully, I won't develop monster calves :P).
A Long Road Ahead
Yesterday, I had an amazing time on the set of a feature length film. This is my first acting gig in a feature film. I was excited. Although I had two short scenes, I worked hard in both. The scene with no lines was purely visual cue, whereas the scene with lines made me very conscious of the way I'm delivering the lines. At some point, I was mindful and asked myself why can't I do this? We did several takes and I found myself getting stiffer and stiffer. In the end, we did one last take and moved on. I always tell myself not to pay attention to the emotions of delivering any sort of lines because it locks you into a certain mode; but on set, it is best to go with what the director has in mind. I need to adapt more. I need to listen more. I need to adjust more. I guess I was nervous? I know the more I do this, the easier it'll take--so I'm ready to put myself out there and get more experience. Afterall, practice makes perfect, right? I don't know how the scenes turned out--I am excited to watch the playback! :-)
After finishing the two scenes, I went home. I had a headache and was completely exhausted. I never knew that acting can be so draining, but it is and I love it.
I caught the flu, too: sore throat, semi-stuffy nose, and mucus. I caught it earlier in December, and I can't believe I caught another one. Guess I gotta rest and stay mute. I'm starting improv classes at Upright Citizens Bridgade Theatre tomorrow, so I don't know how this mute thing will work. Maybe it'll make the scene even funnier? Who knows. The class goes on for eight weeks with a final performance in the end of March. If you're in NYC and wanna come and watch it, let me know! It's always great to have friends in the audience. :)
ALL THE RAGE | Martin Moran
Today, I had the pleasure to catch a rehearsal of ALL THE RAGE, a solo show performed by Martin Moran and directed by Seth Barrish (my TBG teacher). At first when Seth invited the class to go watch the show, I hesitated a bit because I wasn't sure how well I'll hold up during the show. I always have a tendency to fall asleep during plays (opps, please don't kill me), or I will end up super confused if characters talk too fast--or I just don't get what's coming out of their mouths. But today, I understood everything. In short, Martin Moran's performance blew me away. Not only did he work every part of the stage--the way he told the story, from beginning to end, adding in all the complexities of meeting different people to discover his own voice & confidence to confront his fear/secret, was empowering. At some point, I felt tears rushing towards the tip of my eye, and then at another point, I mhmm'd in agreement. As he went on the emotional journey/discovery, he reminded me what it means to be brave. I am hardly moved by theatre pieces, but this one definitely made me feel something.
The show runs from January 19 through February 24 at The Peter Jay Sharp Theatre on 416 West 42 Street (between 9 + 10 Avenue). Check out the Facebook page for more information, and let me know if you're going. I hope to catch it again!
Growing Up, Moving On Out.
Growing up, I never thought about growing up. It's true. I always knew we would all get older someday, but I never thought about what it really means--until about a few months ago. I met with my mentor, whom I consider one of my best friends, and we were catching up about life. One thing that came out of the conversation is pursuing one's dream and what it really means to be independent while doing so--especially when people around you aren't aware of what you're doing/if they will be supportive, if at all, when they find out. Having this conversation forced me to think about moving on out. It was and still is so scary. To give a little backstory, I am currently living with my brother, and we are one floor apart from our mother. We have our own space, but we are still very close to her. We hang out on Saturdays during her day-off; we have dinner together everyday; we watch television together; we talk and (sometimes) yell at each other (that's the way we talk, btw). In other words, we are very close as a family--and many factors have led up to this point. When I imagine growing up/older, I never thought about leaving my family behind. We have been through so much together that I cannot imagine living life without them in it.
Around me, I see a lot of my friends living by themselves or with friends and they appear to be very independent. It makes me question where I am now; and if I, too, should move out of my comfort zone (my home), and make my own way. I feel so attached to my family right now, and I don't see myself leaving anytime soon. But I feel like somewhere down the line, I will need to physically move out of New York City (to LA?), to leave home.
Maybe then, I can live and dream elsewhere. Will it make me hungrier for my dreams? I don't know. For now, I just want to live out everyday as a new way for me to discover a path I can call my own. It's some scary shit. Maybe the messy-twenties? I don't know what is going to happen in the future... only time will tell--and the clock is ticking!
Monologue 1: Girl with the Long, Blond Hair
This is my first attempt to perform a monologue in front of a camera (11 takes). I know I shouldn't have done so many takes, but the first few tries didn't feel real. When I think about acting, all I want is for it to be real. I found myself being stiff through the takes--maybe because I'm nervous. I think all actors get nervous, and it's okay. Especially that first breath you take before you start the monologue. Usually the start of the monologue is the hardest because you work up your nerves to jump start the whole thing, but once you start and get into the words, everything falls into place. (if you want to see how nervous I was, watch the bloopers). I hope this first attempt is something I can always look back on and think of ways to improve. What do you guys think?
Starting a Youtube Channel!
5 months ago, while I was struggling to decide whether to stay at my full-time position or let go and pursue my dreams, my friend suggested that I should just start a Youtube channel (and keep my job). It felt right. Why leave security and chase after something so uncertain? I decided to leave my job and just go for it! But even then, I didn't have any motivation to start a Youtube channel. There are a lot of people watching, and comments can be plain mean. I was scared. What if they tell me I suck?
On Friday, January 4, we started classes at The Barrow Group Theatre after a short winter recess, and bam, we are going to start what I was most afraid of: Shakespeare and monologues! Lee Brock (an amazing womyn and teacher, btw) told us to write down six of our favorite monologues. Everybody busted out their pen and paper and began to write--like they had it in their back-pocket all along. I struggled. I only have three somewhat memorized, and I barely remember the title of the play/solo show. It was a wake-up call. I knew I had to do something about it... and what can force me to do it time and after time? Starting a Youtube channel! (being public makes me more diligent/motivated)
If you want to follow my journey as an artist, subscribe to the channel. I might suck the first few times, and I know it. You can tell me I suck, or give me constructive criticism. Whatever you think, just be honest and tell me--it's all a part of the learning process. I might cry in my sleep, but at least I know I'll grow as an actor. So... thanks for watching in advance, and I hope you enjoy. :)
New Year, Same Dreams
2013, it feels weird pronouncing your presence, but i guess you were gonna be here sooner or later. So welcome. 2012 was one of the craziest year, ever! There were many twist and turns throughout the year: from being lost and confused about what I'm most passionate about after coming back from Hong Kong, to landing a position at the Congresswoman's office, to recognizing life is too short to live out others' expectation of you, to really finding the courage to pursue an unsteady, yet gratifying journey as an actor/writer. Everything--from decision a to b, took a lot of contemplation. Towards the tail-end of 2012, I kept thinking about how i had the balls to do half of the things i did. But i think they call this growth--or maturity.
For 2013, i want to continue to grow and mature as a worker and artist. I am thankful to be working for an organization i truly believe in, so planning and executing programs will be fun and exciting. I also want to learn and grow more as a performer and writer. I need to go out and watch more shows/movie and read more. I have to finish the script by the end of this month. I have to put in more work. I have to put in more work.
Some personal goals for 2013: -Eat out less and learn how to cook (the pan turned brown and the whole apartment smell burnt... and i was only cooking scrambled eggs!!!) -Recognize people who matter and appreciate them -Stay positive. I've been through a lot in my life that staying positive is something i constantly struggle with. Now that im mindful about it, im gonna work on it. It is a process. Gotta keep my head up. -Stay in shape. I almost died during my first day back at the gym three weeks ago. Now, im kicking ass (hehe jk). I signed up because my body was telling me something. I have to keep working on staying fit, or else i will be breathless/unhealthy again...yikes!
What did you do in 2012 and what are you hoping to accomplish in 2013?
Alive.
The world didn't end yesterday. Why am I not surprised!? I still remember the world "ending" was a big topic back in 2000. Y2K. Anyone remember that fiasco? I was in 5th grade and I didn't think too much about it. But this time, I'm older, and it's a bit different. Throughout this whole week, I felt worried. What if the world really did end on December 21, 2012? They called it DOOM'S DAY for a reason, right? Assuming that we might all die on Doom's Day, I kept reflecting upon this past year--how so much have changed within the past six months and what might happen within the next six months (if there is another six months). I kept going back to the "what-if's." What if I stayed? What if I did what others' thought was right for me? But I cannot stop thinking about the "why-not's." Why not try to do something you've always wanted to do? Why not try it now instead of later? Then, every doubt/fear will disappear. I think I'm slowly coming to terms with my decisions; and I'm feeling pretty damn good about it all.
Well, I'm glad the world didn't end, and that we're all still alive. If the world really did end, I lived life with no regrets. Bingo! Time to keep truckin' & hustlin'!
If the world were to end yesterday, what would be something you'd do to live a "fulfilled" life?
What kind of artist are you?
Yesterday, as I sat and observed others' performance in class, I thought about acting as a career for Asian Americans. I looked around me (saw nobody that looked like me) and thought about how everyone else will have greater odds in this industry because of their appearance. Thinking about this certainly distracted my performance. Sometimes I just can't help but think about the realities of this industry. On the other hand, I think about what it is still missing, and if I can bring something new to the table. What kind of artist am I? what kind of artist do I want to become? These are the questions I constantly have to ask myself. My boss asked this question last year, and I didn't have the answer to it. Now, I have a clearer sense of direction. I want to be an artist that write/act in my own material. I don't want to wait for another person to create or tell the story... I want to be a storyteller!
Right now, I'm in the midst of developing a script. I don't know whether to call it a screenplay or play. I did playwriting in college, but I focused a lot more on dialogue/character development rather than the form. I secretly wish it can go both ways.
(Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Had food poisoning this week and was busy working/watching new shows & movies. Ever since I started this blog, my goal was to update at least 2-3 times a week--ahh, wishful thinking!)
My heart is in the arts.
I remember last year around this time, I had a mental breakdown because I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Maybe I was so anxious to know because in college, everything was so structured with a given deadline, that I, for one, thought there was a deadline to this thing called life. So I went around and asked for advice in areas that strikes my interest. It started with all professions deemed worthy, ranging from lawyers, to business folks, to professors/phd students from well known companies and institutions. I always ask about their journey: how they got where they are today, if it was their passion, and if they were happy. Most of the time, people tell me they are happy with their profession, but it took a long time to get there. One person, in particular, asked me what field i am interested in. I said, "I don't know. A lawyer? A politician? I really want to work for the community."