Improv, Race, and me

Yesterday, while taking the stage at UCBeast for our final 101 class performance, I felt confident. We have been training for eight weeks to get up to this point, and we have grown so much together--we have grown to become a family. Our class was split into two groups, and I was a part of the second group. As we stepped on to the stage, I felt a surge of relief. We're gonna kill this, I thought. Halfway into the performance, there was a skit focused on a family, and I was suddenly dragged onto the scene as a girl that was being recommended as a dating partner for their son. The son's immediate reaction was "well, i could use some ethnic flavor." At that point, i stood there, cold. It was so awkward. I didn't even know what to say. I know it was a heat of the moment thing because as improvisers, we're supposed to say whatever comes to our mind first; and that--race--of course, was brought up, unconsciously. I can't begin to explain how much I dread the race card. Granted i know it's the first thing people see when they see me, but did they really have to use that?  I still remember the first day of class when a girl said, "you speak ching-a-ling-ling," and i was furious. It made me question whether all they see is my race. After the first class, my race was never brought up again... until yesterday, during the performance, where there was a live audience. I felt embarrassed, but the show went on, and we patted each other in the back, and it was over.

I know in comedy, there has bound to be a time or moment when what's funny is a person's race. It can sometimes come off subtlely or suddenly without the other person (initiating the race card) knowing that they just pulled out the race card to get a laugh. And as the person receiving the punch on the other end, i just know it hurts, a lot, even if what was said isn't supposed to hurt or had any type of ill-intention.

As i move forward in improv (yes, i plan on honing the craft), i wonder how many more times i have to endure these types of awkward situation. I wonder when will race no longer be the butt of the joke, but rather, something meaningful. I guess the search for that answer continues. Onward.

My heart is in the arts.

I remember last year around this time, I had a mental breakdown because I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do with my life.  Maybe I was so anxious to know because in college, everything was so structured with a given deadline, that I, for one, thought there was a deadline to this thing called life.  So I went around and asked for advice in areas that strikes my interest.  It started with all professions deemed worthy, ranging from lawyers, to business folks, to professors/phd students from well known companies and institutions. I always ask about their journey:  how they got where they are today, if it was their passion, and if they were happy.  Most of the time, people tell me they are happy with their profession, but it took a long time to get there. One person, in particular, asked me what field i am interested in.  I said, "I don't know. A lawyer? A politician? I really want to work for the community."

Looking back now, it is a quite funny how i associate community work with being a lawyer or politician. Is that a default answer for all aspiring organizers? When I said, "I don't know," I actually did know what I wanted to do, but was always afraid to say or admit it. What if others laugh at my dreams? My dream is always to work for the community, and become an actor and writer. I rarely tell anyone though because what if I fail?  I struggled from within tremendously while working for Congresswoman Velazquez with this question; but after being surrounded with older co-workers and listening to stories of constituents' lives, I began to realize life is too short to live up to someone else's expectations.  And so, I worked up the courage to admit to myself that being an organizer and artist is what I want to do for the rest of my life.

At this point, when I compare myself now to who I was one year ago, I see a huge gap. I see myself grow in ways I never imagined. I am still shocked at how I made these decisions without worrying about consequences.  I am not making any kind of big bucks or rocking brand names, but I am at a really happy place right.  I cannot wait to see what is in store for the next year, and many more to come.  And I hope to use this blog as a way to document the journey along the way.