Starting over

I turned 28 approximately five months ago. A lot of people say 28 is the year one starts to make moves in their careers: either move on up or move on forward to something else, something completely different. For me, I am still pursuing acting, the only difference now is, I’m solely focusing on comedy: improv, sketch, and stand up. Does it mean all the work I’ve done in the past five years disappear? No. It just feels very much like starting over because it’s a whole new world. I see it as another chance to keep making mistakes, connecting with new people, and keep trying.

This is not the first time I’m at the rodeo. I took improv classes at UCB in 2013, and I don’t know, for whatever reason, I stopped at 201. This was the level that introduced the concept of game, which is the core of a Harold structure. It was very, very different from 101, where we can do whatever we want and have fun. Here, we really have to think of analogous (same situation in different setting or circumstances) / time dash (much time has passed since first beat) scenes and I got in my head waaaaay too much. I also was really nervous because I had a semi-strict teacher, and all I thought about in the backline was how much I’m gonna fuck up if I walk out there. I don’t wanna fuck up. That was me in 2013, telling myself fucking up is bad. Fucking up is fuckin embarrassing. No one wants to fuck up because you look stupid. I didn’t want to look stupid, but yet I felt nervous and stupid the entire time. In sum, there was a lot of anxiety and not knowing where improv would lead me, and so, I stopped after 201 and decided to take acting head on instead.

I continued on acting classes at the Barrow Group Theatre and developed my solo show there. It was 2013 leading into 2014 and I was sooooo hungry to get better in acting. I knew how much I needed to learn and grow as an actor because I want to be as good as others in my acting conservatory (most of them have started at a young age, and I played catch up for a year and a half). I beat myself up every time I did a bad scene or missed my lines. I worked really hard, and after multiple scene study classes, I stopped to focus on the solo show. Much of late 2015 leading into all of 2016 was focused on the solo show. I always get antsy when I question myself: how come I’m not doing better or why haven’t I gotten “there” yet, wherever there might be. But now, as I’m writing this, I realized I did a lot in the past five years and I should stop questioning myself.

So why comedy? I discovered after presenting the solo show, that I am hooked into people’s laughter. I thought I was writing a drama (life is a drama), and people thought I was funny. The thing is: I wasn’t trying to be funny. I was just trying to be me—as Seth Barrish would put this: comedy derives from truth and pain; as long as you’re speaking your real truth, and it relates to the audience, a laugh will come. Never force shit. The times where I did force shit, people didn’t laugh. The times where I’m the most relaxed, people did. That feeling resonated with me so much, and I am taking this in for future shows. Comedy is a drug and I’m hooked.

I returned to UCB because I knew deep down, comedy is the thing that keeps me up. I returned this March, took 201 again because it’s been four years. I had a sinking feeling in 201 again, but I told myself this time around not to psych myself out. It didn’t get easier, but I got through it. I went onto 301 and that’s when I fell deep into it. I had an amazing teacher, and this was the first time I became an improv nerd, going to a lot of shows--especially Lloyd Night, and listening to the UCB podcast nonstop (especially during work at the government job). I started to imagine myself joining a house team (crazy, I know). Now I'm in 401, and even the thought of joining a house team is so close, yet so far away. Gotta keep practicing to become a great improviser -- then have a chance to get accepted into Advanced Study, then see if there's an audition, then audition, then see if you're accepted or not. If you don't, you gotta wait a whole year to audition again. It's a whole lot of practicing the skill, trying your best, and waiting around. It’s all about process. It's a process and it's all about perseverance, man!

Another life update: I know I posted this on Instagram / Facebook during the summer--I officially left Asian CineVIsion/AAIFF after being with the organization for many, many years. I realized how old I was getting, and if I keep hanging on to AAIFF, I’ll always give myself an excuse to support the community and not pursue my own dreams. I also felt like it was time for someone younger to take over, and for me to really step back and tackle acting/comedy head on. I'm not getting any younger. It was painful thinking of leaving/actually leaving. I cried a lot. I guess that's what growing up is all about? Painful growing up, I tell ya!

Another another life update: I did two final shows in nyc, and even seconds before walking out into the show the first night, I had a sinking feeling. Why am I doing this again? Then my internal voice was like shut up and do this! The first night was great, but felt weird. No one laughed. Then the second night, a lightbulb turned on and the energy and love from the crowd was insane! Everybody was listening intently and I fed off their positivity and warmth. It was so bittersweet to do the show and that last night filled my heart with so much love and hope. At first, I planned to make this into a movie, but a few folks (including my Smithie sisters) convinced me to do a webseries instead. I’m writing it now so watch out world!

Another another another life update: I joined the Union Square Hospitality Group's new concept restaurant: Intersect by Lexus. It's a three story cafe-restaurant/bar-events space in the Meatpacking District, set to open in January 2018. Meanwhile, they placed me at North End Grill for the time being and I'm learning so much about service and different positions within the restaurant. I learn something new everyday when I go in, and I feel hungry learning more, so cheers to this new, fresh start.

I feel like every time I write here, something new has happened or is gonna happen. I guess this is what 28 is about: a lot of what if’s and still figuring it out.

It’s the the artist struggle, hustle. Never stop hustling.

LA and Beyond

This is crazy and belated, but I did it. I done did it. 

The LA show went down almost two months ago. It feels so surreal that it's over now. Months, weeks, or even days before the show, I was freaking out. How many people will come? What if people don't come? What if I forget the story? The day before the show, I wrote out thank you notes to folks.. up to the point my fingers started cramping. I was so anxious. I pooped so much before the show (ok, tmi).. I also reminded myself to relax the moment I stepped out on stage and that everything will be okay.

Everything was okay. There was a sizable crowd, and everyone was so supportive. I worried that jokes wouldn't land on the LA crowd, but it did (told myself not to worry about if things are "supposed to be" funny--just tell the damn story). In short, I am so relieved.

In October 2016, that little thought of bringing the show to Los Angeles was just a thought--a dream if you may. Then I decided to pursue that thought and see if it can become a reality. It costs a lot to get the theatre, but I was like fuck it! Life is too short to not do the things we wanna do, and so, I booked the space. The most difficult part is really spreading the word, and I'm so grateful CAPE (Coalition of Asian Pacifics for Entertainment), Kollaboration LA, and Project by Project LA supported the show by telling their networks about it. Everyone was so so supportive, and it made the whole LA show what it was--it felt like the whole entire community had my back.

Special thanks to Grace for letting me crash and helping me to get set pieces and loading, Karin for taking beautiful black and white photos, and Cindy, Amy, and Malina for capturing color photos. Sabrina for coming all the way from Oakland, and all the people who came out to the show. It meant the world to share the story with you. 

And now, I'm back to NYC. Back to reality. And everything is back to normal: classes (Improv 301! And Film & TV at The Barrow Group), hustle for AAIFF, work at Nom Wah, and writing--been outlining two feature films--and experiencing writer's block, ha! I'm getting over this hump where I have to sit down and write everything that's been on my mind with these two stories. I know the ending to both, it's just the journey (emotional) in between that is hard to write. I'll figure it out soon enough. Setting a deadline for the end of this month. Yes, always have deadlines. Otherwise, a dream is just a dream. Do.

I've also been reading Taraji P. Henson's memoir. I saw a video of her circulating on Facebook talking, where she gave a speech on what it means to ignore naysayers and keep on with keeping on. It inspired me so much that I picked up her book. This morning, I balled my eyes out when she talked about where she's from, her family, and her love life. I related so much to everything and got so emotional. She has this fire and sass, and unapologetic energy about her that no one can take away. She's a strong ass woman, and I'm working now to get as tough as her.

On my way home, I read the part where she talked about moving to Hollywood with no money and had to beg just to find a place to live. That shit is too real and inspiring. I have dreams of moving to Los Angeles (I told the head chef at Nom Wah last week and shit came out of my mouth), but I need some seed money and some brush-up on driving lessons. It'd probably take me two years to save up enough just to get a used car and rent for a few months. I never thought I would've said this, because let's be real, I don't even like LA that much. But like Taraji's father said, "why are you just living? Why aren't you going to LA where all the jobs are?" Her father's words is exactly what I don't wanna hear but need to hear.

Part of me wanna take it slow--one step at a time. But Taraji did it with no real acting credits, no agent in LA, no car, and no place to live, AND with a baby on her hip. If she can do it, I believe I can. I gotta stop making excuses. I have to be more daring.

I'm going through the mo right now, a rough patch if you will, but I promise I will look back one day and say I gave it my all. You have to, because otherwise, why start? 

Crazy spilling this out man. Time for beeeeed. Good night world.

Tomorrow is a new day. And.. the hustle continues! 

So long 2016

2016 was one of the best and most painful year of my life.

It was the first year in my artistic career that I finally decided to do something about my dreams and put on a solo show, a story I've been writing for the past 2.5 years. It was the first time I experienced pain as an artist, where I was confronted with what it means to be an artist: making art isn't about just making art--it's a business, you have to be an adult and make a living if you want to be an artist. With the show, there was a lot of pleasure but also a lot, a lot of pain and loneliness. And to sum up what I've learned: being an artist means you can pursue your dreams that fulfills you on the inside; but being an adult also means you need to survive and make money to keep the dream alive.

There have been thoughts surrounding what it means to be an artist and be a grown up in the past, but it came to me face-to-face this year because I had to put on a solo show using my most of my savings through working at AALDEF, then spending the next three to four months crossing fingers hoping people will buy tickets and show up. In the end, people did. My gut feeling didn't lie to me.

In the beginning though, it was a sad and lonely journey. I found MC Jin (found = stalk) my director towards the end of January and started heavily rehearsing in front of my refrigerator. In February, I told my brother I'm putting on previews in early May and he told me I shouldn't do it. Why waste money on something that you don't know for sure would make you the money back? I did it anyway. Friends showed up, I got feedback (some great, some hurtful--but the hurtful ones made me reflect and think the most, and helped me during the rewriting process). I spent the next three months revising because I wanted to put on a few more shows for more people to come. In August, I did, and all the shows were sold out. This whole putting up the show was extremely stressful. If you easily crack under stress, which I was a lot of times, it will kill you (if not physically, then mentally). In the end, I learned that you have to believe in your project so much; and most importantly, believe in yourself so much that it fuels you to keep moving forward during the dark times.
The show also put a strain between my relationship with my mom. She came to the show, despite not being able to understand any of the show. A few days later towards the end of August, she asked me if this is something I'd like to do for the rest of my life, and when I answered yes, she told me to find a real 9-to-5. Why go on such a hard road and waste time and money? It was the first time I felt so much pain for pursuing something I greatly believed in, and it was also the first time I fought back. It was painful. It was so painful. But I can't imagine myself doing anything else, and so I will keep going. She can't stop me. No one can. Only I can stop myself. And I won't. I'm bringing the show to Los Angeles: heyjudylei.com/soloshowtour/losangeles in April (04.23.2017 to be exact). And P.S. long story short, I canceled the show in London. This opportunity did allow me to finally have the guts to travel on my own and to two places I've always dreamt of going to: London and Paris!!!)

2016 was the year I finally caved in to the typical actor stereotype of working at a restaurant. I work at Nom Wah Tea Parlor and it drives me insane being on my feet for so long and having to work with so many different personalities. The beauty of it all is the hustle. The nonstop hustle. It makes me feel alive and that's why I like it--even though I cry so hard sometimes in the bathroom or break room. But like my boss said, "you know what else is tough? Life is tough, so keep going." Seriously, keep going.

2016--looking back at all the pictures, a lot of great things happened, in which I accomplished everything I set out to do and more; but for some reason, I realized I spent the entire year being unhappy or indifferent (more like refusing to acknowledge all the good things that are happening and finally admitting how sad I am deep inside--thanks to Chris Gethard's solo show).

For 2017, I would like to practice being grateful and also acknowledge what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling the way I do. I also have a whole list of resolutions I've written down on my planner: worry less, kick ass during LA solo show, write another solo show, rewrite feature film / shoot feature film, be in more film projects, work out once a week, have treat-yoself time once a month, drink more water (I always fuck up on the last one :x).

I have a feeling I'll hit all of these goals in the upcoming year, so let's keep on keeping on, shall we? :-)

Be Stubborn As Fuck

No seriously. It's been a month and more after the solo show ended, and I have to admit I went on an emotional whirlwind after the show ended--for many many reasons. Mainly, it was because of my mom. She came and saw the show, but because someone in the family made a comment about how hard the path will be, she told me to just do it as a hobby. I told her no, and shit just went ham. I swear I broke down for the very first time in front of her.

For four years, I went ahead and did whatever I wanted and ignored her comments, but I knew I had to stand up for myself. I had to let her know that this is what I really really want to do, and no 9-to-5 will ever be comparable to what this path is. It means so much to me and when I explain it, she doesn't understand. There's no tangible thing she is seeing. It took me a while to decompress and see that she will never understand because of her upbringing. But I have hope one day she'll come around.

I've been super down this past month, but slowly pulling myself up again. It's been a process.

The latest update is that I started working at Nom Wah Tea Parlour on weekends. When my mom found out, she went ham. I guess this is my way of telling her this IS what I wanna do. I'd rather work somewhere where it gives me freedom and clarity to keep chasing that dream. I really enjoy working with my co-workers and they are all so kind to me. I guess this is what will keep me afloat for now.

Creative-wise, I've been producing and writing. Producing a film for a good friend and just have been writing. Writing comes and goes. My goal is to have one good point a day until I can piece together a good story--before I outline, before I start writing. Gotta get clear on what I wanna tell, and why I wanna tell, before I tell. That's been increasingly more important than coming up with a random cool scene. Maybe when i write more, it'd all come full circle?

 I also signed up for Scene Study III for the next six months. Gotta put in work to master the craft. Like Ash Ketchum said, "I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was..." HAHAHA... I digress.  

I guess I'm writing this entry because I feel like i overcame this hump, and it feels fuckin amazing. It hurts, but after this battle, i gained a lot of clarity. Almost like I stood up for the very first time and admitted openly that this is the journey i want to go on for the rest of my life. It's scary. It creates a lot of anxiety. But I'd rather stick it out for a decade than to do something I'm only half-assing--you know?

And I swear this journey and path is not for the emotionally weak. You gotta keep standing up, showing up, or else you'll get knocked. And it's easy to get knocked if you don't have people surrounding you going on this journey together. So you gotta find people going through this shit. Hopefully you guys will stick it out together.

Cuz you gotta be stubborn to survive. Or like kids these days say, you gotta be stubborn as fuck, be present and keep fighting.

Be stubborn as fuck and keep going. Nothing else matters.

Keep going. 

Keep going

Yes, those are tears. So last Thursday, I was washing veggies in prep for dinner and my phone ding'd. I ran over to check, and it was from NY International Fringe Festival. Omg, I thought. The email took a while to load, and I was like please load faster, please. Then it loaded, and I got the notification saying that I didn't make it in, again. 

It burned. I don't know why but it hurts a lot more this time compared to last year's rejection. I think it's because I spent so much time rewriting it and developing it, and I thought it will grow my chances of becoming a part of this Fringe community. Like I wanted to make it so bad. But I fell short. 

But I don't think I fell short though. I wrote a 3-dimensional Chinese American character. I'm sorry I didn't write about struggling with my identity or looking to repair my relationship with my mother/father/family. It seems like those are Asian American themes, and I didn't write within that "Asian American Joy Luck Club" box. Not all of us are going through that shit, ok?

What I have is a badass chick. Like if I didn't tell you she's Asian or Chinese, it could've been anyone (has to be a person of color) from an inner city public high school. Like she talks hood because that's where she's from. She ain't afraid to show it and can seriously fight you if you mess with her. (But trust me, she ain't about to get suspended).

My friend once told me to not pay attention to festivals because those festivals don't define who you are as an artist (thanks E!). You are an artist and you made that piece of art because you want to tell and share that story. Having it in a festival doesn't mean anything.  Just keep hustling. Keep going ~

I'll sign off by saying that I'm still going to put this out in a theatre, open for the public in the Fall. Yassss to self-producing. Gotta believe in yourself before you wreck yourself.

Watch out world! I'm comin for yaaaaa!  :-)

Tears

The World's Greatest

In a month, I will give birth. Not that kinda baby though. Haha. More like the creative baby I've been carrying around for the past two years. I've been writing a solo show called THE WORLD'S GREATEST since January 2014. The story is about a badass Chinatown chick and her relationship with friends and family, and her journey in making it out of a failing NYC public high school. It sounds so serious, but it's a comedy. Haha.. Or at least the way it's written and the performance leans towards comedy. When the world is somewhat falling apart around you, comedy is the best medicine, yeah?

So the show's idea started in 2011. I just graduated from Smith College and had zero plans lined up. I was at home, on the couch, staring at the LSATs Kaplan books, but not really wanting to open it up. Aka no desire to study for that test. I don't know what came over me, but I wrote a monologue about a girl being accused of cheating on a test. She believes she's been wronged, but other kids in the class got no power to back her up and the teacher is already dead set on getting her suspended. It's like a childhood flashback but the intensity increased ten folds. Hahaha.. I started writing more and more, developing this crazy character. And then real life hit. I have to look for a job that pays. I can't be sitting around anymore. I stopped writing.

Landed a job with the government and I just felt a stronger desire to be elsewhere, doing something creative like acting and writing. Man. I walked to work for 30 minutes everyday and reflected. Far East Movement came out with their first big record album and Jeremy Lin came outta nowhere. I was like what? But then I found out they worked for years to get to where they are now. I was like if these kids can do it, I can do it too. And besides, life is too short. Gotta take chances while you're young. Just fuckin do it. So I did. I quit the job and never looked back.

But damn. It was hard. I studied acting for 1.5 years, and then some more, so in total 3 years. In between, I worked at admin jobs, did translation jobs, and hustled jobs here and there.

I look through castings everyday on Backstage and Actors Access. Backstage has some of the weirdest and most stereotypical shit, and Actors Access has an algorithm where if you have a reel, you're on top of the list, but if you don't, you're at the bottom pile. I don't have a reel. I paid to meet agents and casting directors for a few months, which went nowhere.  I'm like fuckkk.

Then I saw the solo show class being offered by my acting teacher, Seth Barrish. In that class, you can write your own materials and workshop it. It was my chance to write a story that makes sense to the world I came from. It's also a chance for me to showcase myself. I wrote and wrote. Then I hit a wall. Then I worked on a short film, and I stopped writing the solo show.

Then life happened and I had to work another 9 month gig to support myself. I worked on the solo show on the side and submitted it to the 2015 NY Fringe Festival and got rejected. I was so devastated. After that, I was like, I gotta get my shit together and work on it some more. I can't give up.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that: you have to motivate yourself. You cannot sit around and wait for someone to okay your work. You have to give yourself permission.

After wondering if I should just do this or not, I decided to self-produce two previews in May and I invited people whom I thought would appreciate it. Or to put it more simply, who would I want to come and see the show if I were to die right after the second preview. It was a crazy process where I hired a photographer, designer, and a director to put tangibles together. I took a leap of faith and asked (more like stalked) MC Jin if he's willing to direct it. And he said yes! I freaked the fuck out. He's a legend and I've been following his work since high school. After he said yes, I was thinking: am I dreaming right now? Can someone punch me in the face, so that I know I'm not dreaming? (ok, don't punch my face. I don't know how to fight)

The next phase came to actually inviting and asking people over and over to come (snail mail, email, texting, the whole shebang). I was so stressed out throughout this whole invite period and process, but I'm thrilled to announce both shows are sold out (only holding two tickets for the first night. Both tickets are on hold for two important people I really want to come and see the show). 

I think all in all, this whole show brought out everything I've been wanting to do with an acting career. I finally get to play someone I'm proud and excited about. It also brought out a lot of insecurities I have about myself as a writer and performer.

I applied for the NY International Fringe Festival again with a new draft in January 2016--but what if I get rejected again? But now, at this moment, I have this I don't care about rejection anymore attitude. If I don't get in Fringe, I will still self-produce the crap out of this show. I just want to share this story with the world. 

I'm ready. Are you?

2016 hustle

Has it already been two weeks since 2016 arrived? Usually people write out their new years resolution the week before or the hour before the year ends. Me? I wait till two weeks later because... well... 2016 was off to a great start where I blacked out during New Years Eve, as in, I fell in the shower a few times and threw up like crazy the next day. In other words, a crazy hot mess. Sorry to everyone who had to witness that. 2015 was a crazy year, and it ended like how the year went: a mess. I'm never going to do that again and will carbo-load before. Promise.

Ok, 2016, let's see. This is going to be crazy or sound crazy, but my main hustle this year is to put on the solo show. Aside from a side hustle here and there to make some pocket cash, nothing else. Solo show, you be my main boo boo.

In the past, I committed myself to so many things that I put my passions and goals in the backburner. This year, nuh-uh! I'm gonna focus on me and pursuing the arts 100%. No. More. Distractions. And no one can stop me. What does this mean? It means I can't chill/frivolously spend money. Sorry, if you calling to chill, I'm gonna be like: "if I can't bring over a bottle of wine and some fruits or cookies, I ain't  coming."

Another thing is: I might be sassy for a while. The character I created is so damn sassy--sassy like Cookie Lyon from EMPIRE. She is scared, but she is driven. She needs to be sassy to get through tough times. I normally have a fraction of her sass, but these days, I'm honing myself to have more of that so that I can own more of her/the stage. It might change me, but it is a good thing. Time to let the inner freak out.

Speaking of freak(y), taking this next step is the freakiest. This is where I have to find a director to work with to refine the work. When you write something for the past two years, you think everything you write is awesome--or at least you're protective of it. But once you hand it over to the director, (s)he can add/subtract what you've already written. It's a collaborative effort, and it's an important one. It's gonna be tough to find someone who wants to work with this piece. I already reached out to someone whom I see fit, but will that person agree? I don't know. I really hope we can work out something amazing. Crossing fingers. Until then, please pray for me.

I'm also going to be in San Francisco in March 9-17 for CAAMFest and Los Angeles in April from April 20-29 for LAAPFF. If you're around, holla at ja gurl. Would love to see you. And do you have a couch or floor space? I need a spot to crash. Help an artist out. :-)

The hustle stays real in 2016. What is something you've always wanted to do creatively? Start in 2016, dammit. Just do that shizzzzz!

Ok?

Good.

2015

Today is Christmas Eve. Meaning 2015 is 'bout to be over, which means it's a great time to sum up what happened this year. 2015 is a year filled with emotions. Early on, I found out something that I spent two months crying about it. I cried about it on my way to work, at work, after work, on my way home, at home... you get the point. Then, about a third way through, I thought I fell in love for the first time. I cried about it on my way to work, at work, after work, on my way home, at home... you get the point. The thing is, I cried a lot; and maybe that's how I got the eye infection. But all that crying taught me, it's okay to cry about things. It's okay to let it all out. And in the end, everything is going to be okay. Two important things I learned: people are the way they are; accept them as they are. Never never never never never never put your mind/body/soul on the line for anyone who doesn't give two shits about you. Life is too short to waste your energy on people who ain't even matter. Go through the 'mo gracefully, walk out gracefully--cuz in the end, you doing what's right for yourself is what matters. All in all, I found an emotional strength within myself that I thought I never had. It look a while for me to realize how much I can handle; but alas, you live and you learn.

2015 is a year of balance. I worked a full-time job at AALDEF (Asian American Legal Defense and Education Fund) to support my dreams of one day becoming a full-time artist. I finished up the contract towards the end of May, and then woke up the next day ready to work with AAIFF (Asian American International Film Festival). I picked things up quite easily again since I've done it before; it's just the time deadlines this time around that made it challenging. Well guess what!? I love me a challenge. I worked with such a great team to make AAIFF what it is--and then it was over. I still think about how much we had to do to make the film festival what it is, and how much fun we have when guests and audience members come to town. Both AALDEF and AAIFF is all about community and social justice--representation in legal/media fronts, so it motivates me to keep doing work. It's tiring; it's tiring; but sometimes, it's all worth it.

2015 is a year I started to write again. I topped the year off by binge writing the solo show (a solo show is a theatre piece performed by one person) for two weeks straight. Then I submitted the rough draft to the New York International Fringe Festival (it's a theatre festival that happens in NYC every summer). Then I got rejected towards the end of April. No biggie ya know, cuz this industry, and in life, you get no's 99% of the time. I got hurt and thought about giving up; gave up looking at the solo show piece for the entire summer; BUT, I realized how much I believed in the story, picked up my laptop, edited, wrote more, took out some, edited more, and BAM, I finished writing a third draft in October right before I left for Asia. I printed out and took the piece to Hong Kong and Japan with me, hoping I'll memorize it. Well, I memorized freshmen/bits of sophomore year at the very least. I'm still memorizing it. I have eight more pages to go. I got this.

2015 is a year for an upgrade. I took two acting classes at the Barrow Group Theatre to continue to work on the craft, and then got casted in a 15 minute play. I also got my headshots retaken by the talented talented David Noles and beautiful/masterful makeup artist Anna. I printed them and printed out new business cards too. I invested a portion of my earnings on these marketing materials, and I love it! You sometimes have to invest in you to grow your business. So spend money, and do it right. Upgrade yourself.

2015 is a year for travels. I went to Philly twice for work--once in January to meet with elderly Chinese voters who didn't get to vote, and then in the summer for a photoshoot with Nom Wah Tea Parlour. I think it's a quaint city I did not have the time to personally explore. I'll be back! In November, I spent the entire month in Asia. 15 days in Hong Kong, 3 days in Macau, then 10 days in Japan. I spent time with family and some friends in HK, explored Macau without going into the casinos, and then went nuts and fell in love with Japan. All this time in Asia allowed me to really sit down and reflect on the bigger picture--what is it that you're trying to do, Judy? Are you doing enough of it? Keep ya ass moving and stop thinking and start doing shit. Ok? <-- yeah, that's how I talk to myself. Bahaha.. Tough love (aka the ways Asians make it through in life).

That pretty much sums up 2015 in a nutshell. I have a lot of GOALS I wanna accomplish in 2016 that I'll write out in another post. Keeping the hustle alive and keeping my eyes wide open for the upcoming year, so let's end 2015 with a big bang. 

Bang on, my friends. (Ok, that sounded weird, but who gives two shits!?)

Homecoming King

Dude, i just got the bill to renew the domain + privacy protection for this website and spent almost a G. I need to start blogging more, or I'll hate myself. Lately, I've been watching a lot of standup shows, mainly on the internet, and occasionally, in real life (sorta like how ppl live now, eh?). Today, i had dim sum with the #aaiff2015 crew at my mom's bakery, and since i didn't plan anything for lazy Sunday, i decided to go to Cherry Lane Theatre to buy a ticket to watch Colin Quinn on stage. On my way to the box office, boom, i saw Hasan Minhaj's solo show poster. I heard about the show a few days ago on Instagram and saw an NPR tweet on it, so i was like, i should watch it! As i got to the box office, boom, a stack of tickets at the price of a movie ticket, caught my eyes. And guess what? It was Hasan Minhaj's show!! It was fate. Of course I asked for the tickets in front of my eyes, but low and behold, the box office ticketer said it was a promo that expired. I did snag $20 tickets though. Score!

I decided to Instagram the show poster and tweet about it. I didn't know what to expect from the show, given that I didn't know much about this dude, except that he works with Trevor Noah on The Daily Show, and that he is a standup comedian. I was jammin' to the hip hop walk-in music, sat where my ticket allowed me to sit, and the usher asked if i wanted to sit in the front. I was like hell to the fuckin yes!

The show blew my mind. From beginning 'til the end. He did it stand-up style and i followed him throughout the show. That swag was real!! If you've ever been an outsider, you will feel his story. He talked a lot about love, family, expectations, and that sense of belonging every kid of color wanted/thought about (maybe I shouldn't speak for everyone--cuz maybe some people fit in just fine). His stories about assimilation in suburbia made me ball like crazy. Even though I didn't grow up in the suburbs, i was always the fat kid trying to fit in, so i get it. All that family talk was so real, I couldn't stop laughing. I laughed until I cried, and then cried a little for real towards the end of the show. I only had one piece of tissue in my pocket, and i didn't have enough to wipe my tears. Oh man. 

This coming of age tale was touching. He threw in a lot of cultural references from his Muslim background. I mean, I'm Chinese, but i found myself saying yes, or mmhmm so many times. I can relate to it on so many levels.

If you're in NYC, love going out to watch films, standup, theatre, or just good storytelling in general, this show is for you. Walk, no, run there now!! Or as i tweeted earlier, AHORA!!

I guess since I'm an actor and writer, i felt every ounce of his show. This truly motivated me to keep on writing that second draft. I'm this 👌🏻 (if it ain't showing, it is an okay emoji with a gap) close to finishing the second draft. Time to get to it!! 

Gotta keep that hustle flow alive.

Let it go

Yesterday was the last night I got to play Veronica in The Motherfucker with the Hat in class. It was really bittersweet. In many ways, I think Veronica and I have a lot in common (personality wise). Yes, she curses up a storm; yes, she tries to get the last word in; but one thing I admire most about her, is her willingness to wait for her love (Jackie) to come out of jail--even though she cheated while he was in jail. She still loves him and very much wanna be with him. Am I not supposed to reveal that here? Opps. I've never been through anything like that, but I can empathize with both Veronica and Jackie. Their love and relationship, is what I like most about this play. If I were to dream on, I would love to play Veronica on stage someday. I don't know if this play will be put on again, since it already premiered on Broadway in 2011; but it'd be dope. Real dope.

Since I stopped making YouTube videos, I have been focusing on acting (rehearsing a lot more, going over lines on the subway, in the streets, at work talking to myself, literally everywhere) and writing more for the solo show. I felt like I improved a lot just by going up last night. We went first, and I didn't even think about anything, not even the lines. I thought, this is no big deal; I prepared for this. Because I was more prepared,  I was definitely more confident. I was ready to let everything go and just go for it. And it's not like I never prepared before, it's just that, now, because I admitted to myself I wanna fuckin' act and just be, my whole mind and body is just like, you go girl, you got this! I have never felt that way .. well, since 2012 when I started anyway. I keep wondering what took me so long to admit this. How I lost sight of everything else and now i just jump right in. I got lost or distracted along the way, but I'm glad I found a sense of ownership.

Although I found myself last night, I still think about mommalei and what she thinks. She found out through Facebook that I am not gonna do YouTube anymore and was really shocked and sad. She also found out from the same status that I will keep pursuing acting and she immediately flipped out. She went on with the usual (not stable, terrible decision), and the conversation ended as it usually does--we both don't know what to say to each other.

Back then, I care deeply about what she thinks. But last night, last night while I was showering, I was like, whatever. This IS me now. And there's nothing she or anybody can do or say that can stop me from working on this journey. Yes, I'm no longer "hoping" to be in this industry. I will work to make shit happen.

Can't believe it took 28 months, or 2.33 years for me to take charge of this feeling (is my math on point or what?), but I'm glad I fucked around along the way to get to this point. I guess this is life?

I'll keep doing, working, and dreaming. Keep going and don't think! Don't think! ;)

Hanging up the hat

Tonight I had an epiphany. Tonight is the premiere of FRESH OFF THE BOAT on ABC. AB fuckin' C. The network television station with millions of eyeballs--that ABC. It's crazy! There was a huge viewing party at the Circle NYC (typically an exclusive nightclub turned into a viewing room with over 1000 people in the house). It was crazy! There were many moments tonight where the idea of "this is just the beginning" was reiterated. And when Eddie Huang said he hopes this show will inspire others to tell their stories, I lost my shit. I teared up a bit. And when Jeff Yang in the end said that this is not about Eddie's life and about the community, I was like hell to the fuckin yeah!

To put everything into perspective, this is the 2nd time in American history where an Asian American family is featured. The first time was 20 years ago with Margaret Cho's ALL AMERICAN GIRL. 20 fuckin' years ago. That's a really long time. And for this show to come on, the term historic is an underestimated statement.

In a day and age when multi-culti or colorblindness is constantly preached, people need to realize this is a HUGE deal for the Asian American community. And hopefully this is only the beginning.

A lot of thoughts passed through my mind tonight. Most of it was damn; but a lot of other times was: how can I get there? This is and has always been in the back of my mind. I need to re-evaluate what I do, and I've been thinking about this for quite some time, but I'm seriously thinking about discontinuing the  Cantonese Lessons part of the YouTube channel. Maybe it'd be a space where I reflect about my acting career (yes, career!).

I need to focus and not let the outside noise drown out what I really want. I really want to fuckin tell stories through acting and write more stories about the Asian American experience. I really want to tell stories I can be proud of. So this means, I do less of other stuff. And I am cool with that.

I guess my whole intention with starting the channel is to be able to express myself and do something that can benefit others. But the hardest part is to find people who are interested in Cantonese Lessons. Has it been done before? Maybe. With a fuckin gong sound that gets my blood boiling out of the left field. I was trying hard to make it cool and to find people who will care.

Maybe it was the wrong platform. I tried many times, and this time, I'm finally hanging up the hat. I can't say that I never tried. I'll take a moment to take in all this and realize it's okay to try and fall. The only thing is, now when I stand up, I know what I want more than I did before. And that makes it all worth it. I learned a lot about myself through doing this YouTube thing. And I can say that I'm fuckin proud of myself. That's always been the hardest for me, to be at peace with myself. Heck, I still didn't show #mommalei the video, so shit. I'll show her tomorrow morning when she is at work. When she doesn't have to confront me and my decisions of what I want to do with my life. Someday she will come around.

So I'll be blogging once a week instead about acting. I hope you'll still continue to support this journey.

The takeaway: never stop the hustle or never stop dreaming.

Thankful

Happy thanksgiving y'all! It's been a trip, and Election Day is finally, at long last, over over. Everything leading up to that big day felt like a rush, but after ED, everything is so chill now. Traveled to Boston with my colleague and had a lot of fun speaking with old grannies and grampies. A few voters sat me down and told me their life stories. That was my favorite part. I love listening to life stories, especially from the Chinese community in Boston. It's different, yet the same as folks in NYC. You know, immigrant stories.. something I can relate to wholeheartedly. To that experience and my job, I am extremely thankful. I'm also thankful for family and friends. Sometimes people come in and out of your life. Family will always be by your side. sometimes it is easy to distinguish between friends and acquaintances, but I consider everyone I meet a friend. As my friend mentioned the other day, you are friends for a reason; you met by chance for a reason, so for all my friends, I am thankful.

This day puts me on reflecting mode. I took a small break away from acting, but I'm ready to dive back in in January. New year, new beginnings. I'm trying so hard to make everyday a new beginning, so I'm promising myself now that I will keep working on the craft until I get to a level of comfort with being uncomfortable. So hard. Easier said than done, but imma do it. I will. If and when I achieve that level, I will be thankful for taking it up a notch to a whole 'nother level. Keep pushing, yah feel me?

What are you thankful for?

Keep fighting

Today was an amazing day. Finished the short film we've been working on since the summer, and boy, that was an amazing fuckin' experience. Been through thick and thin with this project, and I'm so glad we finished the shooting part. Now the fun part begins--sound & editing. Can't wait for it to come together.

But first, on the experience. Met with the director a few times, rewrote the piece for a gazillion times over the past few months since May.. and still, there needs to be a final touch. Still trying to figure it out. And that's the fun part. The imagination, the point where can translate something we have in our minds into something on screen, and I think that's amazing. I didn't really know what it takes to make something like this, but this experience definitely taught me patience, and the fact that I still have a lot to learn.

Compared to everybody else that's in it right now, I'm still a young and hungry cat looking to see what's out there. I'm constantly searching, maybe soul-searching, to see what's the right fit. Sometimes I think to myself whether what I'm doing now is going to be worth it, but then again, I'm like fuck it, don't think, just do.

A part of me is still stuck between the community vs art route because the community gave me perspective, and I want to be a part of it. I spend a lot of my time thinking about these things because I try to latch on to something of value, and in the end, I don't think I've gained anything. It's terrible and sometimes it eats me up. I always question whether or not the community will be there in the end. I have a deep fear that the answer might not be what I want to hear.

But like my friend said, only you can take you far; only you know what you want most. I didn't even have words to respond to that in the morning. I was just processing his words, like damn, that motherfucker is right. (Excuse the language, been rererereading THE MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE HAT).

Out of all this, I asked myself throughout the day, what makes me come alive, and guess what? The crazy answer, to do art, to tell stories, and to act. Fuckin' crazy I tell ya, but if that's my short answer, that should be something I need to do for myself. Like right now. So I signed my ass up for an acting class in January. I can't fuckin' wait.

What are you most afraid of? What are you doing to conquer that fear?

Keeping faith

I'm riding the D train as I write this. There is a man, who says he is the conductor's friend and a born-again Christian. As a person with no formal religious affiliation, I don't know what that even means. I think it means he was a non-believer and now he is? Either way, he started singing a song about how Jesus sacrificed his life for us, and how no one will do that, and only him. I wouldn't say I'm a religious person. My mom always taught my brother and I to believe in ourselves, and not to believe in anything else. She said religion gets a little messy. It also takes a lot of time and effort to honor something, especially when you're working so many hours a day and have to worry about buying offerings for the gods.. even if it only means oranges and incense.

Don't get me wrong--technically, we're Buddhist. And the only reason why we're Buddhist is because of me. I was a non-stop crying child as a baby, and my grandma suggested that my mom should put up a Buddhist statue. It might stop me from crying, and it did.

I never really saw praying to the Buddha as a religious thing. I always thought it was another way for me to eat more fruits and eat more traditional foods that we only eat during the holidays.

That was until I met a supervisor last year who was a Buddhist. She told me it's more about faith and a way of thinking. Sort of like philosophy. I took what she said and thought it might help my brother, and myself for overcoming the past. Letting go and looking forward. Two things I desperately needed at the time (still do) and will make moving on easier.

That thinking skipped my mind for a few months. Lots happened. Long story short, I lost track on thinking about how faith can ever affect me until I left the job. I felt lost for so long, and I think I'm still in that lost phase. I always wanted to figure out what I wanna do, how to do it, and how to do it now. Especially with that piece of writing/short film I've been working on.

The hardest part is to take a step back, reflect, and figure out a way to move forward. And within that, I realize that maybe I don't really know what I want or what my character wants. I constantly have to go back to the drawing board and did tons of rewrites. I have so many versions of this one character. For a while, I lost faith on writing. What's the purpose of this?

Then, I see the subjects I'm writing floating around in the community. Even though the subjects aren't the main subject of the film (man, am I being vague? Hahaha..), it just kills me to see what people are willing to do to make a buck in nyc. It is weird, but it gave me a sense of hope and faith that I never really had. And so, I went back to the drawing board, and the final draft became a last draft. For one last stab, I thought I finally have something to say.

So what's the point of this all and how does it relate to religion? I guess it's keeping the faith and keep pushing until something clicks. It was so easy to give up and let it go, but if you firmly believe in what you're writing, keep thinking. Unthink, then write again. It's so hard, even borderline painful, but it feels really rewarding once something clicks. I'm so happy I went through this process. It taught me a lot about not giving up. Is that what religion is all about? I don't know.

Unfocused

There's a lot of distraction these days. I find myself reaching for the phone or watching YouTube videos when I'm supposed to be writing, practicing acting, and focusing on what's important. Sometimes i wonder if i have ADHD .. but i don't think so. I guess the real problem, when I'm writing, is that I'm afraid of writing something that is stupid. I always tend to criticize myself when it comes to writing and i just stop after a scene, or i write and wonder where I'm going with what im writing. I shake my head and then drift off to my phone/internet. Yeah, i have problems focusing.

I guess outlining helps. Sometimes when i write, i come up with these images on the side, and then i write those out. My mind wanders so many times that it's scary. Is there a cure for this?

Should i go phoneless / work in an area without wifi/internet connection?

I tend to write a lot when I'm taking the train (no internet!). Usually because it's the morning, my mind is fresh and i freewrite. I read back what i write when I'm at work or at home when it's really late and then i begin to edit. Then i leave it alone for a few weeks and read it to see if that's what i wanted. If not, i'll just rewrite.

I don't know why I'm writing this post. Maybe it's a way for me to sort out some bad habits and patterns i have.

I need to break 'em. And focus.

fresh start

The year 2014 arrived around three weeks ago, and as usual, I left this blog .. un-updated. A lot has happened since the last post, but I didn't write about it. I should really put myself on a schedule. Perhaps one post per week? That's not too much to ask, right Judy? I started the Solo Show and Scene Study class at TBG. Both is like a fresh start. Previously, I was in the 1.5 year program, and after a year, you just get accustomed to everyone in the class and everything becomes the usual. Or to be it bluntly, I desperately wanted to start off in another class. Maybe I had a slow start in the 1.5 year program? Maybe I didn't connect or work with as much people as I had hoped? Anyway, the Solo Show class is all about developing the writing/storytelling process; the Scene Study is a continuation of developing the tbg tools and giving yourself directions/self-adjustments. Both classes complement each other, and I can't wait to perform segments of the solo show to put everything i learned into prospective.

But to go off on the process of the solo show for a bit: I feel stuck. Not stuck in the sense of i don't know what i'm writing. But stuck in the sense that i know what i want to say, what kind of story i want to tell. I tell this to my brother, and he plain said my story isn't juicy enough. He asked: if you were an audience member, will you buy a ticket to watch your show? Honestly! So, that's why i'm stuck.

Maybe i should just flip the finger and follow my gut into telling the story i want to tell. Yes, i'll do that.

Fresh start to the new year, and my motto for 2014? Don't give a fuck about what others think or say.

The dream.

Yesterday was one of those reflective days. You know, one of those days where you sit around and think about if you had made the right decision, or did you completely fuck up. I balled my eyes out. Partly because i left something i loved so much, and partly because i wasn't sure what the future holds. Do you? I kept arguing back and forth with myself if anything would have changed if i kept doing what i did. At some point, i felt regretful. But then i thought, fuck it, i gave up too much to be where i am now, and if i give up now, i will never forgive myself. I guess it is self doubt. That point where you think you can't go on any longer because you don't know how even the next few months will look like. All you can do is dream. Dream about what was, what is, or what can be. Sometimes that dream can be happy, but most of it sad or even scary. You say to yourself that everything is going to be alright even though you're scared shitless. But something deep down within you, you know you love this thing enough that you're not willing to give up.

Someone once said, if you find yourself not loving something anymore, it is easier to just walk away and let it go. But i think if you reflect and think about why you fell in love with it the first place, you will see the beauty of it--even through the struggle and tears. Just don't lose hope.

Keep dreaming. That's what i have to remind myself everyday. Keep dreaming.

The words.

Today marks the last day of script analysis class.  Seriously?  I wish we can go on and on with the class because as the weeks progressed, most of us grew sharper in deciphering texts within minutes.  I certainly went from sucking at script analysis to getting better.  I say getting better because I know I still suck, and it's still a work in progress.  But at least I'm not far off or spacing out when breaking down a script (I swear, sometimes, I have ADD and cannot focus on reading a script).  Now that I have the tools, every step I take in acting out the scene will become clearer for me.  When it becomes clearer to me, it will definitely be clearer to the audience.  Woo!  I feel super accomplished.  This back-to-the-basics method/mentality really taught me to appreciate the words a lot more than just pulling shit out of my ass.  Seriously.  I feel more confident as an actor.  I cannot wait to return to TBG this fall/winter with my newfound set of skills. P.S. Industry showcase is this winter. Gotta start prepping.  #peeinmypants

My Girlfriend's Boyfriend: Mike Birbiglia at Carnegie Hall

Last night, I had the pleasure of watching Mike Birbiglia's solo show "My Girlfriend's Boyfriend" at the Carnegie Hall.  I was so excited.. I didn't know what to expect.  I first knew of Mike at The Barrow Group Theatre (TBG) some time in October 2012.  His picture, the classic picture of him in pajamas and holding onto a teddy bear, is hung in the lobby.  I asked my classmate, "who is that dude?" And then I found out his name is Mike Birbiglia, and he did an indie film called SLEEPWALK WITH ME.  I then proceeded to wiki him and found out he was also a comedian.  Whao!--I thought.  I told myself I would definitely check out his film while it plays at IFC, but you know when you say I'll definitely check it out, and you never do?  Yeah, I'm soooo guilty of that. Fast forward seven months later, he returns to TBG for a seminar with Seth Barrish; and I told myself, I'll definitely check it out.  But guess what?  I can't, because I will be in LA during that time.  Two weeks later, I found out he will perform at Carnegie Hall, and I jumped up and said, I'll definitely check it out--and I did!

Okay--now back to the show:  the show was freakishly amazing.  This is my first time at Carnegie Hall, and my first time watching a solo show (without falling asleep!!!).  I have a tendency of falling asleep during theatre performances, and this show kept me awake, all 1 hour and 37 minutes of it.  First, we had Ira Glass preface the show with a story about a dance company finding luck in the mega million lottery game + two ballet dancers glancing across the stage with a solid number.  It was so priceless with Mr. Glass himself starts dancing after he reveals that the dance company did not win the lottery.  They gracefully introduced Mike.  Mike came out with an untucked button-down shirt, faded jeans, and a pair of white sneaks.  Immediately, we all knew the show was gonna be super chill.  And then he said something along the lines of, "I can't believe this is happening here," and i thought me too, me too!  Carnegie Hall is traditionally know as a venue for orchestra performances or something super formal, so I was pretty shocked it was held there.  But our attention was immediately drawn then to his parents who came to support the show.  I had tears in my eyes at that point.  But then he told the story of how his mother sold him her car for $2,000 when he first started out because she didn't see anything of it.  At that point, I just nodded in agreement.  He also told us a story about how we should turn off our cell phones because a lady at another show had her cell phone go off and didn't know how to turn it off--gahhh distraction, that's a performer's worst nightmare (but then if you're awesome, you'll know how to play it off).  Then, the show finally began.  He told the story about not believing in marriage, his t-bone car accident, his teenage dating experiences, not being a part of the make-out club but finally getting into it after lying to his friends but finds out he's a really bad kisser from Sandy-the-brace-face, and then finding love with Jenny, disbelieving in marriage .. still, but then still getting married, and still paying $12,000 for that t-bone car accident in which he was hit by a Benz.  What a show!!!  I sat on the edge of my seat the whole time.  I let out a few LOLs, but at times, I laughed awkwardly because some things were just too true to be true.  I can honestly say I had a grand old time.

It was such an amazing experience to watch a performer work the whole stage.  No props, no nothing.  Just themselves, the story, the lights, and a stool.  I am definitely blown away by the story and his delivery.  If only I can someday do the same. Still dreaming...

Letter to my mother

About two nights ago (Thursday night), I fell asleep on the couch while typing up an email.  My mom nudged and asked if I was interested in going to a family gathering on Saturday, March 23, and in my sleepy state, I said "sure."  I went back to my nap.  Then she asked what I'm doing on Saturday, March 30, and I told her I have to perform in a show.  SHIT!  I immediately woke up.  She asked me, "What show?"  "A comedy show," I answered.  *Awkward silence.  "Are you a side character?" she asked.  "Not really," I answered.  *Awkward silence.  The conversation ended.  She went to bed. The next morning, I woke up morning with an urge to give her the low-down.  Yes, last night was a complete fuck-up freudian slip, but I think it's god's way of telling me that it's time to let it all out.  Just tell her, goddamnit!  So I went around the room looking for paper to write on.  All I found were bank slips (my mom takes bank slips and leave us notes every morning), and I didn't wanna write on 'em because it wasn't formal.  I want this to be a very formal/serious thing.  So I found a pack of cards with puppies on 'em.  My mom hates cats/dogs, but I don't have anything else, so I used it.

I haven't written Chinese in a long time too; it felt weird writing it again.  I fucked up so bad in my first sentence.  I wrote two characters wrong, and I used an expired White-Out tape that made it all messy.  I had to make it look neat, and serious.  So I started over and made sure I google-translated all the characters I'm looking for.  In the end, I poured my heart out on paper--for the first time.  It felt weird.  It felt weird telling my mother on paper what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.  Why didn't I just tell her, I thought.  But that will only end up in arguments.  So yeah, writing a letter definitely made it easier.  I quickly dropped off the letter while she was working and sped off.  I can't let her read it in front of me. I don't want to see her reaction.

For those who cannot read Chinese, here's what it says:

Mom, 

It's been six months since I've been in school--can't believe how time flies.  Are you wondering what I'm studying?  Actually, I really want to tell you what I'm studying, but I don't know if you will understand me ... or you might even disagree with my decision.  I'm scared.  I'm scared you will stop me from doing this.  But I really want you to know because I respect you.  You and Ken are my main motivations in life, and I want you to bless me on this journey.

Acting and writing is my dream.  I hope you will allow me to be persistent about this career choice.  Maybe you will disagree with my decision, but I'm very serious about this.  I won't give up!  I hope you will support me.

-Judy

She finally called me while I was in class and left a message.  She told me there were many typos... and that I was short; there's a lot of pretty people; and how the entertainment industry is very complicated; this career choice is very impractical, and that I should concentrate on a professional field that can make a steady paycheck.  She could have went ape-shit, but she just got real and straight-up told me how she felt.  She thought I was gonna pursue politics or the path of becoming a lawyer (this was all my practical ambitions before I decided that politics might not be my thing).  She told me her hopes and dreams were gone.  I felt so awkward hearing that.    I don't know how to tell her what it was like working in politics, and what it is like pursuing something I enjoy doing now.  I understand her concerns; I really do, because these are the things I think about every single day.

The stubborn part of me want to go on this unsafe ride, this unsafe journey.  It'd be bumpy, painful, and scary ride for sure, but I'm willing to ride it out.  I don't want to live life with any regrets, so I'm doing what I'm set out to do, and commit to it. I want to prove to her that this is something that I can accomplish before I tell her anything more.  Maybe someday I'll figure out a way to tell her.  In less typos, of course.  Just gotta find a way--but the time isn't right yet.  For now, I'm just left without words--just gotta ride it out.