Within a blink of the eye, it’s already been ten years since I’ve gone on this journey as an artist. I say artist because I’ve worn many hats over the years to make my dreams a reality. Initially, I only wanted to become an actor. I was super naïve. I thought if I trained for 1.5 years, I’d be on my way to getting seen in auditions, booking jobs, and within five years, I’d be on a television show, then a movie, then Broadway—I wanted to do it all!
Reality quickly settled in once I was on this path. When I started the 1.5 year training program at The Barrow Group Theatre Company, I realized within 6 months of that program that acting, or this business, is not a short-term commitment. You can go in thinking you-the-shit and make it within a short amount of time, but those who do, will only last for a millisecond—because they did it for the wrong reasons. If you want longevity in the business, you have to be fully committed. You have to put all your money, time, and resources into making it work. You have to give it your all. YOUR ALL.
Your all, I did. After finishing the acting program in December 2013, I signed up for a solo show writing class, which taught me how to write a live, one-person show. Back then, solo shows were the shit! John Leguizamo did it! Michelle Krusiec did it! It gave them a platform, where they created for themselves! It was a very self-driven form of pursuing the dream; and so, I tried it too. One show allowed me to work with an idol I’ve been listening to since I was in high school (hi MC Jin <3), and the other helped me through a sexual assault trauma. I grew so much as an artist, and I wondered: what’s next? I kept signing up for evening Scene Study classes, Improv classes. I told myself I’d focus on the craft, keep my head down, and maybe if I work hard enough, luck will come my way sooner or later.
The moment, or the moment right before, I turned 30, things changed. I realized I’m no longer a 23 year old figuring her shit out, nor am I a 28 year old still trying to figure her shit out. I’m now 30. It felt as if I had to do something with my life NOW; otherwise, I’d miss the mark/opportunity to make something of myself. This was back in 2019, and now looking back, I still feel as if I’d miss my mark if I didn’t hit HARD when I turned 30. So I sat with myself. I wrote down all the goals or dream I have, no matter how lofty or far-fetched it seemed. One of them was to write, produce, and star in a feature independent film (ok, i lie… this has been a dream since…… 2009). It’s now or never, so I did—or at least tried so hard to do (gosh, dramatic, I know) to make an indie coming-of-age film.
Then the pandemic hit. It’s as if everything I tried so hard to achieve came crashing down so quickly. I was stuck inside and there was no way out in finishing the film; then the legal stuff happened. I was in a rut for months. Almost ended my own life between all those months, weeks, hours, minutes, seconds… but then I chose to stand up again. I have to acknowledge whatever happened, happened. I have to realize it’s time to move on, to stop feeling sorry for myself, and to move forward. It’s so much easier said than done.
I mustered up the energy to go out and shoot on an iPhone to try to complete the film. But, I had a lot of baggage clouding my head, and it showed in the cut I sent around to festivals in 2021. It was a disorganized film, and I sincerely apologize to the three people who had to watch it. I quickly withdrew all my submissions (goodbye submissions fees!). I was trying so hard to make it work. It just wasn’t ready.
Then, I forgot about the film. I focused on my day-job as a voting rights organizer. It gave me purpose in life. I immersed myself into outreach events that dealt with Stop Asian Hate </3. It provided the escape I desperately needed. Then, I went to LAAPFF during the fall of 2021, and it reinvigorated me all over again. I saw films and friends: most of them asked me: wsup with your film? Terrible question to ask, btw… but I think they were concerned. I replied: I’m still working on it… it should come out soon… (I lied).
I felt this gnawing guilt. A lot of my friends and family supported me through Kickstarter in this big way for this film, and I’m lying through my teeth about having it figured out. I don’t.
I kept living… ignoring the film I had to finish. Then, one day, I met someone at a bar in Chinatown who introduced me to Run for Chinatown, and explained how they are having this Mid-Autumn Mile event…… tomorrow / did I wanna go? I didn’t have any athletic clothes/sneakers as I was staying at a friend’s place, but I hastily agreed because Mid-Autumn Moon Festival is one of my favorite Chinese holidays (who doesn’t love mooncakes?). I showed up to the run, and we ran through Chinatown. There was lion-dancing + confetti-popping at the finish line. It was magical running through Mott Street in (almost) its entirety. I cried towards the end (or maybe it was sweat?)… because: how did I never realize the beauty of Chinatown, until now? I have been struggling for years to be in the present, and it’s through running with these strangers, that I realize the love I have for Chinatown has been living within me… for years. It is now activated. I now know how to finish my film!
I created a roadmap, aka Excel Spreadsheet, then I plotted out all the favorite spots in Chinatown. It’s going to be a love letter the teenage me writes to Chinatown, as she decides whether to leave or not for college. I felt so motivated, I went to B&H the next day to buy the camera lens. The next day, I was off to shoot random shit to test out the lens. Then the week after, I was shooting random shit in Chinatown and its surrounding areas. I had to piece it all together, somehow. Then, I was stuck… again!
This was early December 2021. I met filmmakers from TRY HARDER! and one of them turned me to Woody Allen films (i know, he’s canceled, i know). I watched MANHATTAN, and was deeply inspired by its opening. Then, I went out to shoot some more footage. After piecing everything together, I now end up with a 2.5/3 minute meditation of a Chinatown montage. I cry every time I watch it. I book-end the film with Chinatown too because it’s a place I love, admire, and deeply appreciate. After growing up here all my life, this is the first time I ever profess my love to it. I hope it shines through when you watch the film.
With all this said, I’m extremely honored to share that this little film that took the beegeezus out of of me, will World Premiere at the 38th edition of the Los Angeles Asian Pacific American Film Festival on Friday, May 13 - 7PM PT at the Japanese American National Museum’s Tateuchi Democracy Forum. Full-fuckin-circle. Tickets go on sale this Friday, April 15. Would love to see YOU there. <3
I guess 10 years later, if you ask me if I’d ever do this shit again… the answer will be HELLZ YEAH. :’)