LA LA Land

Well, well, well, if it isn’t another one-year-later blog post. Time flies, eh?

A bit of a life update: I moved to Los Angeles in February and I’m moving back to NYC next week. For the past four months, I have been here for a gig (will write more about this later), and everyday while here, I ask myself: should i move here? If these past few months is a litmus test on whether I should or shouldn’t, my mind and wallet is telling me I shouldn’t, while my heart is telling me I should. I hate it when this happens.

While all the stars may have aligned earlier this year and I moved here within a week’s notice, I self-professed within a month that I’ll move here, permanently. I woke up telling myself that every morning. I carried on the hope that if I say it enough, it will come true. I figured I’ll be able to finish up this gig, either continue on it, or at least find a way to stay here. I can finally leave NYC behind and figure out how to break in all that is Hollywood. Then the entire town started murmuring about the Writers Guild of America strike; then, within a blink of an eye, it happened. All opportunities I imagined myself applying for quickly evaporated. I saw my dreams die, and my heart ached… hard.

During this period of agony, I also thought long and hard about the realities of making a life here. Although I have friends and a lot of acquaintances in LA, I started to think deep about the realities of us actually hanging out. Say if we do not live on the same side of town (West Side vs. East Side), will we ever see each other? If there are no big community events, like LAAPFF, will people bother to initiate a gathering? Why does every hang feel so effortful? Do people actually want to hang out with me? Seems like this town is filled with people who want to hang with other people “on their level” and it’s not as open as NYC, where people from all walks of life can co-mingle or at least are open to the possibilities of meeting new people. I find it so hard to make friends and actually trust people here. Must be the water!

Logistically, I also don’t have a car, nor have I driven in 11 years since i passed my driver’s license test, so really, I don’t want to kill anybody! I took the Metro + subway here back in 2018 and I still remember almost getting smacked by a pair of shoes because the woman who got off the bus the same time as I did was hurling it towards someone else. I was so lucky to have dodged it, but I’m hypersensitive and haven’t taken public transit since.

One thing I will do this summer when I return to NYC is that I will be taking driving lessons again to refresh my skills, so that the next time I’m back in LA, I’m ready to rent a car and hit the road. Does it mean I’ll move here eventually? MAYBE. I just know i need to have something lined up here for me to work on before I pull the plug.

In less than a week, I’m going to be back in NYC: plotting my next film + figuring out how I can make it happen. The dream is still alive and well. I need to finish writing because without this script aka blueprint, I have nothing. Time to get to work.

The night before I left, my mom said something at the dinner table, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. She says: "NYC is the best city in the world.” This time, I think she might just be right.

P.S. It’s already my birthday in NYC. ;)

Ten Years

Within a blink of the eye, it’s already been ten years since I’ve gone on this journey as an artist. I say artist because I’ve worn many hats over the years to make my dreams a reality. Initially, I only wanted to become an actor. I was super naïve. I thought if I trained for 1.5 years, I’d be on my way to getting seen in auditions, booking jobs, and within five years, I’d be on a television show, then a movie, then Broadway—I wanted to do it all!

Reality quickly settled in once I was on this path. When I started the 1.5 year training program at The Barrow Group Theatre Company, I realized within 6 months of that program that acting, or this business, is not a short-term commitment. You can go in thinking you-the-shit and make it within a short amount of time, but those who do, will only last for a millisecond—because they did it for the wrong reasons. If you want longevity in the business, you have to be fully committed. You have to put all your money, time, and resources into making it work. You have to give it your all. YOUR ALL.

Your all, I did. After finishing the acting program in December 2013, I signed up for a solo show writing class, which taught me how to write a live, one-person show. Back then, solo shows were the shit! John Leguizamo did it! Michelle Krusiec did it! It gave them a platform, where they created for themselves! It was a very self-driven form of pursuing the dream; and so, I tried it too. One show allowed me to work with an idol I’ve been listening to since I was in high school (hi MC Jin <3), and the other helped me through a sexual assault trauma. I grew so much as an artist, and I wondered: what’s next? I kept signing up for evening Scene Study classes, Improv classes. I told myself I’d focus on the craft, keep my head down, and maybe if I work hard enough, luck will come my way sooner or later.

The moment, or the moment right before, I turned 30, things changed. I realized I’m no longer a 23 year old figuring her shit out, nor am I a 28 year old still trying to figure her shit out. I’m now 30. It felt as if I had to do something with my life NOW; otherwise, I’d miss the mark/opportunity to make something of myself. This was back in 2019, and now looking back, I still feel as if I’d miss my mark if I didn’t hit HARD when I turned 30. So I sat with myself. I wrote down all the goals or dream I have, no matter how lofty or far-fetched it seemed. One of them was to write, produce, and star in a feature independent film (ok, i lie… this has been a dream since…… 2009). It’s now or never, so I did—or at least tried so hard to do (gosh, dramatic, I know) to make an indie coming-of-age film.

Then the pandemic hit. It’s as if everything I tried so hard to achieve came crashing down so quickly. I was stuck inside and there was no way out in finishing the film; then the legal stuff happened. I was in a rut for months. Almost ended my own life between all those months, weeks, hours, minutes, seconds… but then I chose to stand up again. I have to acknowledge whatever happened, happened. I have to realize it’s time to move on, to stop feeling sorry for myself, and to move forward. It’s so much easier said than done.

I mustered up the energy to go out and shoot on an iPhone to try to complete the film. But, I had a lot of baggage clouding my head, and it showed in the cut I sent around to festivals in 2021. It was a disorganized film, and I sincerely apologize to the three people who had to watch it. I quickly withdrew all my submissions (goodbye submissions fees!). I was trying so hard to make it work. It just wasn’t ready.

Then, I forgot about the film. I focused on my day-job as a voting rights organizer. It gave me purpose in life. I immersed myself into outreach events that dealt with Stop Asian Hate </3. It provided the escape I desperately needed. Then, I went to LAAPFF during the fall of 2021, and it reinvigorated me all over again. I saw films and friends: most of them asked me: wsup with your film? Terrible question to ask, btw… but I think they were concerned. I replied: I’m still working on it… it should come out soon… (I lied).

I felt this gnawing guilt. A lot of my friends and family supported me through Kickstarter in this big way for this film, and I’m lying through my teeth about having it figured out. I don’t.

I kept living… ignoring the film I had to finish. Then, one day, I met someone at a bar in Chinatown who introduced me to Run for Chinatown, and explained how they are having this Mid-Autumn Mile event…… tomorrow / did I wanna go? I didn’t have any athletic clothes/sneakers as I was staying at a friend’s place, but I hastily agreed because Mid-Autumn Moon Festival is one of my favorite Chinese holidays (who doesn’t love mooncakes?). I showed up to the run, and we ran through Chinatown. There was lion-dancing + confetti-popping at the finish line. It was magical running through Mott Street in (almost) its entirety. I cried towards the end (or maybe it was sweat?)… because: how did I never realize the beauty of Chinatown, until now? I have been struggling for years to be in the present, and it’s through running with these strangers, that I realize the love I have for Chinatown has been living within me… for years. It is now activated. I now know how to finish my film!

I created a roadmap, aka Excel Spreadsheet, then I plotted out all the favorite spots in Chinatown. It’s going to be a love letter the teenage me writes to Chinatown, as she decides whether to leave or not for college. I felt so motivated, I went to B&H the next day to buy the camera lens. The next day, I was off to shoot random shit to test out the lens. Then the week after, I was shooting random shit in Chinatown and its surrounding areas. I had to piece it all together, somehow. Then, I was stuck… again!

This was early December 2021. I met filmmakers from TRY HARDER! and one of them turned me to Woody Allen films (i know, he’s canceled, i know). I watched MANHATTAN, and was deeply inspired by its opening. Then, I went out to shoot some more footage. After piecing everything together, I now end up with a 2.5/3 minute meditation of a Chinatown montage. I cry every time I watch it. I book-end the film with Chinatown too because it’s a place I love, admire, and deeply appreciate. After growing up here all my life, this is the first time I ever profess my love to it. I hope it shines through when you watch the film.

With all this said, I’m extremely honored to share that this little film that took the beegeezus out of of me, will World Premiere at the 38th edition of the Los Angeles Asian Pacific American Film Festival on Friday, May 13 - 7PM PT at the Japanese American National Museum’s Tateuchi Democracy Forum. Full-fuckin-circle. Tickets go on sale this Friday, April 15. Would love to see YOU there. <3

I guess 10 years later, if you ask me if I’d ever do this shit again… the answer will be HELLZ YEAH. :’)

Lucky Gal

Another four months in with another update. That’s how life feels at the moment. Everyday feels the same. Well, not for the past two months. Everyday for the past two months felt like swimming against a huge current that only lets you take a moment/breath when your head is a little bit above water. Otherwise, gotta keep swimming. My brain never turned off because I dreamt about my work even as I was snoring my tails off.

I casually posted about this on Instagram in September 2018, and that is, I’m back at AALDEF—the Asian American Legal Defense and Education Fund. Feels so surreal to be back working on voting rights. Unexpected if you may. It might be fate/perfect timing, as I was fired (for the very first time in my life) from my babysitting gig early September 2018. I was on the hunt for a new job and my only hope was going back to restaurant-work to balance acting. I got a random call one day from Jerry at AALDEF, and I immediately said yes! So I’ve been back ever since. It’s a contracted gig, so whenever funding runs out, I’m gone. I always feel a sense of pressure that I’ll get cut any minute now. It’s a type of weird anxiety, and maybe I should just calm down until they tell me it’s time to go. Trying to work on that now.

My main job centers around the AALDEF exit polls. We conduct the largest AAPI exit poll in the US, this year in 13 states and Washington D.C. It all started in 1988 because mainstream exit polls left us out, or we’re counted as “other.” So this project was created to count us in. I did notice that this year’s NBC exit polls had Asians on there—gasp! We’re at a mere 4% of their total count. I think because our exit poll is so specific to AAPIs, most of whom are bilingual or limited English proficient, we have bilingual folks conducting the survey, so AAPI folks who don’t really speak the language, can at least feel comfortable taking the survey. We are proactive and have some kickass volunteers run after uncles/aunties to fill out the survey. Having been with this project since 2010 in many different capacities, I can confidently say most of our survey responders are older AAPIs, ages 40+. Those who are in their 20s or 30s are always either super enthusiastic and love what we’re doing + fill out the survey on their own, or, are too much in a rush to even look us in the eye to say no. At least in the Chinatown/SoHo area.

I feel extremely proud of what we’ve accomplished this year. Normally, we’d have at least 3-4 in-house interns to help with the project. But this year, because of COVID-19, we did not feel safe to have interns at the office. This means, all the physical and mental labor fell on me this year. I was lucky enough to have staff at AALDEF help me here and there to make the exit poll boxes. But in the end, we ended up going to a lot more poll sites than expected, and everything came crashing down in the last 1.5 weeks leading up to Election Day. Overwhelmed, tired, thirsty, hungry, I’m gonna pass out, am I gonna make it out, will I sleep over tonight, was amongst the feelings I felt. Everyday felt like an uphill battle. Going out to pick up lunch felt like I was taking minutes away from the actual work I could have been doing. I’d be taking a bite and doing work at the same time. Does that count as being a great multi-tasker? All in all, the boxes were shipped, volunteers received their assignments, and we tried our very, very best to communicate all that’s needed to be said. We did. With all the unforeseen circumstances, we made it through. Could it have been better? Hell yeah. But hindsight is 2020. ;)

After the elections, we had to wait to get surveys back from all the states + clean up the surveys: take out all the non-AAPI surveys, make sure all bubbles were filled in correctly, and that all of it, by poll site, is scanned. We have an amazing remote data-scientist in a far away, non-US place (secret!) analyzing it all (hi Nancy! :D). Just finished scanning it all last week. Now everything is quiet, which I’m happy about. I finally have time to breathe and think.

Over the last week + weekend, I reflected a lot: about where I am now, where I want to go. Will I keep working at AALDEF/nonprofits? Move on to something else? Finish the film? Move to LA? Should I go to law school?!?! As my mind spiraled, I cried at the dinner table with my mom present and lied about having something in my eye. Then, I fell asleep. When I woke up, I took 10 LSAT questions just for the heck of it, and it did NOT go well. Oh, the horror!!!!! It’s the world’s way in telling me I should stay in the creative field. Sometimes our minds know something we don’t realize yet.

Before Election Day, my colleague, Shirley, and I were invited to be on the Lucky Boys Podcast. I don’t know what it is, but i felt at home being there/talking to them (Will & Norm). It was one of the best podcast experience I’ve been on, and I hope y’all enjoy the episode. Below are the different parts to it via YouTube. I believe they’re also on Spotify if you wanna listen to it. We talk about AAPI voting problems, systemic structures that lead to voting barriers, my neighbors’ + neighborhoods’ obsession over Trump, why the Census matters, getting into acting/the hustle, falling out with my mom after doing the solo show, and how to spot fake people in Hollywood. I promise some of these titles are clickbait, but hey, it gets you hooked. Enjoy~ :)

President Trump Supporters Are Die Hard
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_U7E-vAUFh0

The Problem For Asian Voters
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRsiN82rDLM

Why Young Asian Americans Are Coming Out To Vote Like Never Before
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyDJbFr9N94

Why The Census Make Sense
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bi-ldG_G-r8

Why Are Asians Invisible In Covid Cases And Public Health Response
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6gs3U3AOdQ

Why America Is Still GREAT...For Now
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBfjYwUbesI

Rebelling Against Your Tiger Mom
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sic2fENX3KI

How I Got MC Jin To Work On My Film Project (Correction: SOLO SHOW)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fSgmhIFogU

Asian Hollywood Full Of Fakes
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEQSzrSMyhk

Starting over

I turned 28 approximately five months ago. A lot of people say 28 is the year one starts to make moves in their careers: either move on up or move on forward to something else, something completely different. For me, I am still pursuing acting, the only difference now is, I’m solely focusing on comedy: improv, sketch, and stand up. Does it mean all the work I’ve done in the past five years disappear? No. It just feels very much like starting over because it’s a whole new world. I see it as another chance to keep making mistakes, connecting with new people, and keep trying.

This is not the first time I’m at the rodeo. I took improv classes at UCB in 2013, and I don’t know, for whatever reason, I stopped at 201. This was the level that introduced the concept of game, which is the core of a Harold structure. It was very, very different from 101, where we can do whatever we want and have fun. Here, we really have to think of analogous (same situation in different setting or circumstances) / time dash (much time has passed since first beat) scenes and I got in my head waaaaay too much. I also was really nervous because I had a semi-strict teacher, and all I thought about in the backline was how much I’m gonna fuck up if I walk out there. I don’t wanna fuck up. That was me in 2013, telling myself fucking up is bad. Fucking up is fuckin embarrassing. No one wants to fuck up because you look stupid. I didn’t want to look stupid, but yet I felt nervous and stupid the entire time. In sum, there was a lot of anxiety and not knowing where improv would lead me, and so, I stopped after 201 and decided to take acting head on instead.

I continued on acting classes at the Barrow Group Theatre and developed my solo show there. It was 2013 leading into 2014 and I was sooooo hungry to get better in acting. I knew how much I needed to learn and grow as an actor because I want to be as good as others in my acting conservatory (most of them have started at a young age, and I played catch up for a year and a half). I beat myself up every time I did a bad scene or missed my lines. I worked really hard, and after multiple scene study classes, I stopped to focus on the solo show. Much of late 2015 leading into all of 2016 was focused on the solo show. I always get antsy when I question myself: how come I’m not doing better or why haven’t I gotten “there” yet, wherever there might be. But now, as I’m writing this, I realized I did a lot in the past five years and I should stop questioning myself.

So why comedy? I discovered after presenting the solo show, that I am hooked into people’s laughter. I thought I was writing a drama (life is a drama), and people thought I was funny. The thing is: I wasn’t trying to be funny. I was just trying to be me—as Seth Barrish would put this: comedy derives from truth and pain; as long as you’re speaking your real truth, and it relates to the audience, a laugh will come. Never force shit. The times where I did force shit, people didn’t laugh. The times where I’m the most relaxed, people did. That feeling resonated with me so much, and I am taking this in for future shows. Comedy is a drug and I’m hooked.

I returned to UCB because I knew deep down, comedy is the thing that keeps me up. I returned this March, took 201 again because it’s been four years. I had a sinking feeling in 201 again, but I told myself this time around not to psych myself out. It didn’t get easier, but I got through it. I went onto 301 and that’s when I fell deep into it. I had an amazing teacher, and this was the first time I became an improv nerd, going to a lot of shows--especially Lloyd Night, and listening to the UCB podcast nonstop (especially during work at the government job). I started to imagine myself joining a house team (crazy, I know). Now I'm in 401, and even the thought of joining a house team is so close, yet so far away. Gotta keep practicing to become a great improviser -- then have a chance to get accepted into Advanced Study, then see if there's an audition, then audition, then see if you're accepted or not. If you don't, you gotta wait a whole year to audition again. It's a whole lot of practicing the skill, trying your best, and waiting around. It’s all about process. It's a process and it's all about perseverance, man!

Another life update: I know I posted this on Instagram / Facebook during the summer--I officially left Asian CineVIsion/AAIFF after being with the organization for many, many years. I realized how old I was getting, and if I keep hanging on to AAIFF, I’ll always give myself an excuse to support the community and not pursue my own dreams. I also felt like it was time for someone younger to take over, and for me to really step back and tackle acting/comedy head on. I'm not getting any younger. It was painful thinking of leaving/actually leaving. I cried a lot. I guess that's what growing up is all about? Painful growing up, I tell ya!

Another another life update: I did two final shows in nyc, and even seconds before walking out into the show the first night, I had a sinking feeling. Why am I doing this again? Then my internal voice was like shut up and do this! The first night was great, but felt weird. No one laughed. Then the second night, a lightbulb turned on and the energy and love from the crowd was insane! Everybody was listening intently and I fed off their positivity and warmth. It was so bittersweet to do the show and that last night filled my heart with so much love and hope. At first, I planned to make this into a movie, but a few folks (including my Smithie sisters) convinced me to do a webseries instead. I’m writing it now so watch out world!

Another another another life update: I joined the Union Square Hospitality Group's new concept restaurant: Intersect by Lexus. It's a three story cafe-restaurant/bar-events space in the Meatpacking District, set to open in January 2018. Meanwhile, they placed me at North End Grill for the time being and I'm learning so much about service and different positions within the restaurant. I learn something new everyday when I go in, and I feel hungry learning more, so cheers to this new, fresh start.

I feel like every time I write here, something new has happened or is gonna happen. I guess this is what 28 is about: a lot of what if’s and still figuring it out.

It’s the the artist struggle, hustle. Never stop hustling.

Keep going

Yes, those are tears. So last Thursday, I was washing veggies in prep for dinner and my phone ding'd. I ran over to check, and it was from NY International Fringe Festival. Omg, I thought. The email took a while to load, and I was like please load faster, please. Then it loaded, and I got the notification saying that I didn't make it in, again. 

It burned. I don't know why but it hurts a lot more this time compared to last year's rejection. I think it's because I spent so much time rewriting it and developing it, and I thought it will grow my chances of becoming a part of this Fringe community. Like I wanted to make it so bad. But I fell short. 

But I don't think I fell short though. I wrote a 3-dimensional Chinese American character. I'm sorry I didn't write about struggling with my identity or looking to repair my relationship with my mother/father/family. It seems like those are Asian American themes, and I didn't write within that "Asian American Joy Luck Club" box. Not all of us are going through that shit, ok?

What I have is a badass chick. Like if I didn't tell you she's Asian or Chinese, it could've been anyone (has to be a person of color) from an inner city public high school. Like she talks hood because that's where she's from. She ain't afraid to show it and can seriously fight you if you mess with her. (But trust me, she ain't about to get suspended).

My friend once told me to not pay attention to festivals because those festivals don't define who you are as an artist (thanks E!). You are an artist and you made that piece of art because you want to tell and share that story. Having it in a festival doesn't mean anything.  Just keep hustling. Keep going ~

I'll sign off by saying that I'm still going to put this out in a theatre, open for the public in the Fall. Yassss to self-producing. Gotta believe in yourself before you wreck yourself.

Watch out world! I'm comin for yaaaaa!  :-)

Tears

Re-entering.

It has been a while since I've last updated my Youtube channel.  I stopped during the summer months because the festival work began to pick up; and since balancing work was already hard enough, doing things i love/can work on fell by the wayside.  I felt guilty for leaving the channel for a bit--granted I don't have too many subscribers, but still .. i felt like i was doing myself an injustice by not working on the craft. To be honest, I started the Youtube channel as a way to document my journey through acting--sort of like what I'm doing here.  I felt troubled when asked to do monologues, knowing i had none to offer.  But i found a few pieces that i really like.. that i really connected with and started memorizing from there.  It was hard, but overtime, each and every monologue felt more comfortable.  Some were a bit harder (i must admit).  I left monologues/Youtube for a hiatus, a hibernation of sorts.  I didn't have time a few months ago, but now I do.   And now I'm back.

I struggled to find a direction to the channel.  What should i do?  I'm no fashion or beauty/make-up guru.  I've always thought about teaching Cantonese (for about a year now), so I jumped right in.  I made my first video and then another, and then another.  I think by making the videos, I'm getting more comfortable in front of the camera, which is something I struggle with and want to fix.  Afterall, I want to get into film and television work.  I have to get over it.  It's not an option.

At times, I still doubt whether anyone will like or notice the channel.  I always film with this uncertainty, and my brother called me out for it.  Sometimes harshly.  Although I get pretty antsy every time I say hello, I just need to tell myself to let go.  In class, we talk about letting go a lot.  It's the same type of feeling -- just a different medium.  I see it as a way of practice.  They say practice makes perfect.  So hopefully, I'll be able to hone the craft overtime.

It takes work, it takes time.  I just need to be more patient.

The end is just the beginning.

It's almost been a week since the showcase (last show was last Tuesday). I feel this kind of invisible weight being lifted off my shoulders. At the same time, I wish it lasted longer. I worked with Lunie Jules, an actor I worked with in June for the classics in-house showcase, and I always enjoy working with her. Overall, I had an amazing time at the showcase. It was a way to share what we have been learning for the past 1.5 years. Some of my friends (Shirley, Jenny, and a new friend, Helen), my boss / co-worker Grace & Jenita, and my best friend Kenneth (aka mi hermano) came to watch the showcase and it really touched me. I always feel so relieved when I can tell people what I'm doing now. Sometimes it feels weird because all my friends are pursuing other things. As I "graduate" from TBG, I feel loud and proud about telling others I'm an actor now. I know it's hard for people to think I'm an actor because they haven't seen me in anything yet, but I don't care anymore. I am an actor! If I walk away with any important lessons from the 1.5 Year TBG Program, it is to always be tip-top with your craft. I know I now have a solid foundation to serve as a reference for future projects. However, I know it doesn't end here. If TBG has taught me anything, it is to keep working on the craft until you have to stop and re-learn everything again. To act / to do this again and again is a privilege; and I will work hard to earn this privilege. I am taking a solo show + self-adjustment class with my favorite teacher starting in January. I cannot wait to write and develop more as an actor. I have so many stories to tell--I just need to figure out a way to tell them all.

2014 is gonna be a great year.. I can feel it.

Good ol' Monday Blues

I haven't written here in a while. Life has been the usual. Was sick for the past two weeks and i'm still trying to recover. Work picked up a bit as i try to pick out interns for the summer. We received some amazing applicants this year, and I'm excited for this team to come together in June. Acting--was so sick up to the point that i missed class for a week. We had two weeks off for spring break, so i was literally away from the craft for 3 weeks. That is a long time, and it felt like forever. I feel like if i dont go or take classes on a weekly basis, i might just stop. That's a scary feeling, so i better practice on my own before i lose the ability to pick up the text and work on it. I gotta stay motivated, especially during the summer, when classes are not in session. Gotta be more diligent!

Anyway, i went for two auditions this month. One was for a music video and another for a hosting gig at a comic con. The music video one was sooo embarrassing because i had no idea what i was doing, and i was "dancing" in front of someone i knew. It was so awkward. I told my boss about the experience and he said if i wanna stay an actor i should expect to be embarrassed for the rest of my life. What a scary feeling!! I never will go on any music video audition after this because i can't risk my integrity for the craft with senseless dancing. The hosting gig audition was so much fun! It was for Mike Carbo's show and although i lacked comics knowledge, i showed up for the audition anyway. They asked for a great personality and i believe i have that within me. I was the first person to audition and had a great rapport with everyone on staff. I used my new headshots and felt so happy and proud. I didn't book it and felt a little bummed, but i told myself it is a learning experience. I will do better next time! :-)

Improv has been hard. 201 at UCB is seriously kicking my ass. The class is all about finding and developing the game and i suck. Sometimes i blank out in class and i get so hard on myself after. At some point i dread going to class because im afraid of sucking. Today marks the 4th class and i told myself to fuck it and just go and do my best. I felt fine today. A bit better than usual. Maybe because im not in ny head too much. I should stay out of my head and just be present and keep working on the craft. It is supposed to be hard. Good things dont come easy.

Over the course of this month, I felt like quitting everything for several times. I keep looking back at how financially secure i was last year, and how i want the same this year, but it is not happening. Other than that, i also feel lost. I'm working on my craft, but i also want to audition and be seen. But part of me ask if i am ready to be seen by casting directors. I need to stick to the craft and refine it before i see them. I need to stop jumping the gun and stay focused. I gotta be real and keep working on the craft. Afterall, the craft is what will get me jobs. I gotta keep working at it. I'll probably be ready before i know it.

Keep truckin and dont give up, judy!

The Pursuit of Happiness

  Hello, and welcome to my blog.  About a year ago, I was a recent Smith College graduate struggling to figure out what I am most passionate about in life.  I took on whatever opportunities came my way--odd jobs, worked for a Congresswoman, and finally decided to pursue my passion of living a creative life as an artist.  Now, I'm doing what I'm set-out to do, studying acting at The Barrow Group Theatre & improv at Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre.  Everyday is new and uncertain, and while I have a love-hate relationship with this lifestyle, I'm slowly growing accustomed to it.  This blog is to document that long-and-bumpy ride.  Thanks for reading & following!