Am I going through another quarter life crisis? I think so. The first time I had one was when I was 22, working full-time, but really just wandering. Three years later, I still feel the same way. In a way, I'm in a similar position. I'm working full-time now (contracted position that ends in May); but instead of "thinking" about acting, I'm actually doing it. It only took three years to get to this point, where I finally feel I'm capable of taking on new challenges and say to myself, "you got this girl!" in acting, that is. Otherwise, life is still confusing as heck. And that is why I'm writing about it now. Especially today, because today is when I walk into the office of where I work full-time and decide either a) to continue working there while pursuing acting on the side or b) to finish up the contract and just focus on acting. I already know what I want; it's just taking that leap of faith--again--that is scaring the shit out of me.
So why is it that I'm shitting in my pants? Security. Yup, that's the word. When you work full-time anywhere, you get this amazing thing call direct deposit every two weeks, and when you have to pay rent or credit cards, you know there's a stash waiting for you. It feels amazing to have that security. I lost it after quitting that full-time position three years ago, and I lost it again after quitting that temp work one year ago. Every time I quit, it feels great because I'm like fuck-yeah acting, I'm ready for you baby.. and then reality hits, and I realize I'm just starting out, and if I don't get better and get more work out there, then nobody will know/care about me to cast me in anything, and I'll forever be broke. Or even when I produce my own materials, I need money to make it happen. I can't look like I desperately need the job, I need to prove that I'm ready for the job. I need to do more work, and I need money to make it happen.
Ok, so maybe even the position won't continue and I'm just thinking too much. Gosh, I'm getting all worked up over here, but maybe there is no more money and my position will disappear, and I'm just sitting over here writing and getting worked up over nothing. This has happened before, where i worked and naively throught if i work hard enough, i will get paid, but in the end, just left with half and a broken heart.
No matter what happens today, it just makes me real nervous. It feels like a life-changing decision for sure. Maybe I'm just being dramatic, but ... I don't know if I wanna put myself through this shit anymore. I just want to do something that will make me want to wake up everyday and feel excited about the work. But don't we all?
Ahh, I still don't know what I'm going to do. I'll let the boat flow a little and then when it comes time to make that decision.. that's when I'll make it.
Maybe when I'm in the room today, my subconscious will blurt out what I've been thinking all along. Afterall, you can only lie to yourself for so long before the bubble bursts.