Endings

Why hello there, welcome. There’s so much I wanna say, but I only have three words to sum up what’s been going on in the world for the past four months: what. the. fuckkkkkk. If I was standing on top of a mountain, that is exactly what I’ll be screaming; but alas, I’m at home, sitting on a couch I held off on buying for four months after we moved in … and right before the Coronavirus hit. If I would’ve waited another month to buy it, I’ll still probably be sitting on patio chairs inside my living room. That’s where life was … or maybe still is.

So what’s been going on since last October? I made a film. Well, sort of. We weren’t done shooting and was supposed to shoot more scenes at the end of April, but guess what else happened? Coronavirus. Okay, I’ll stop talking about the ‘Rona, since people read enough about it on the daily—or if you’ve been avoiding the news altogether, I am giving you a virtual hug, because, no physical contact is allowed.

A lot, a lot has happened since last October. The cast was finalized and the shooting team was assembled in November, and we started shooting in December. Even before shooting, it was a lot of work. A LOT OF WORK. (Okay, please take a shot for every time I said/say a lot. You’re welcome). A few people joined the crew, dropped out, a few other people joined, and then dropped out. It was a lot of work trying to assemble the team just to shoot the film. I was under a tremendous amount of pressure since the cast has already been set—I reminded myself that they’re flying in on x-date(s), so you better get your shit together. The clock was ticking. At the very last minute, one person said yes, and another said yes, and another one, and bam, we got a team. That was the most amount of stress I’ve experienced, and we didn’t even begin shooting yet. Ha!

That was the psychological hiccup before we filmed. In terms of physical, I spent Thanksgiving week swinging by B&H and Adorama for their Black Friday deals. I had a set list of things to buy, because renting the equipment would’ve been maybe $200 cheaper than buying the gear itself… so why not own the equipment, because who knows, someday I might make another film, right? So I bought lights, lighting equipment, gels, bouncers, hard drives, and a case to carry it all. It was $$$$$.

Now the fun part begins. I lugged around 30+lbs of equipment from B&H to Adorama just to save money on cab fare. I had to save every penny for the shoot itself—can’t be wasting money like that. It’s only about a mile walk, and cabbing would’ve taken about the same amount of time, right? I was dead wrong. I struggled hard and had to stop every two blocks just to catch my breath. It was cold too. By the time I walked into Adorama, I was in tears. Nobody knew what was going on, but the security guard asked the manager to let me put stuff behind the counter, so that I can pick up some used equipment I purchased online. The manager, a kind Jewish man, told me about a water cooler on the other side of the wall/entrance. I quickly walked over like a thirsty puppy to drink two cups before I walked to the pick-up area. After I was done picking up/paying, I walked back to the front to pick up the stuff I bought at B&H. The manager said he already taped a handle on one of the boxes I was carrying to make it easier for me to carry. He then offered me a piece of strawberry candy and asked me why I looked so disheveled. I started crying again. He asked what I’m going to do next, and I told him I’ll most likely call a car home because it’s too much. “It’s a lot,” I said, trying to contain my tears. He didn’t press further and helped carry bags of stuff I bought from B&H out the door. Mind you, he’s a manager at Adorama. He didn’t go back into the shop until he saw me click confirm on an Uber. It was evening, primetime, meaning very expensive, so I tried to book a “shared” ride to save money, and pretty much every car I booked canceled on me—most likely because of where I’m going to, deep-ass Brooklyn. I finally bit the dust and booked an Uber X, and that guy, that Uber X guy, did not cancel on me because the ride costed ~$68… it was a lot of money. Sigh.

I think I lost 5lbs, just from that trip alone. Now imagine loading this kind of stuff for half the shoot. I was ripped, finally skinny, and to my disbelief, looked like a normal, average weight person on-camera. We shot for 11 days (nine days full speed, two days for pick-ups). Everything happened so fast. Wake up at 6AM, wash hair, bring equipment downstairs, throw it into the cab, get to Chinatown, shoot for 9 hours (8 if you leave out meal-time), take the train home, shower, take a few bites of food, figure out call sheet, call actors to rehearse (if needed), then sleep around midnight/1AM, and then wake up again to do it the next day. Sounds exhausting and a lot? Nope. I fuckin’ loved every minute of it. I didn’t want it to end.

After all that work, I am now going through some stuff with post-production that I can’t talk about publicly. It’s a lot. A lot of emotional labor that went into it that probably will never be compensated for. I probably lost five years of my life during post-production because of stress and anxiety. I constantly feel something gnawing at my stomach and it hurts. I think it’s stress. I seriously feel so hopeless. Should I give up on this project? Or should I push onwards? These are the questions I think about everyday during quarantine. There are days where I just want to give up completely (most days), and then there are some days where I think of a great way to save the project (some days). Today, July 22, 2020, is finally one of those days where I channeled this stress into a HIIT work-out. As sweat dripped down my face and chest during cool down, I thought of saving the film by switching it into a a more comedic tone. This thought gave me a new sense of hope, and I honestly have not felt this way for a really, really long time. I am going to work on this thought further and reimagine the whole film. (Btw, Ashley C., if you’re reading this, thanks for your encouragement today. Let’s keep kicking ass in this business).

A lot of things have ended since the start of the pandemic mid-March (not BLM bc folks are still fighting everyday). A lot of businesses I love have since closed, permanently. The Barrow Group Theatre Company and the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre both closed their doors about one-ish, two months into the pandemic. Both were my artistic homes, so it really hit me hard. TBG’s announcement hit me extra hard. They mentioned how they’ll find a new space, but this is uncertain, as times are extra uncertain now. For me, I just can’t imagine not ever walking into 3A again. This made me cry, a lot.

Some things that also ended during this pandemic: my desire to keep working on the film (of which subsided), my addiction to one-cup-a-day-coffee, some relationships I’ve built right before the pandemic, and my uncle’s life. I thought about writing a reflection about each one of these things when it happened, but I chose not to because it takes time to process. I want to think, feel, and make sure I make sense of how each of these affected my growth as a person before writing about it. I’ve learned that life is too short, there will be endings, and it’s best to meet people where they are. It’s okay to let go of a lot of things. That, I think, is my greatest strength.

I’m beginning to see life as it is and I’m learning to love life again—even though it’s been very hard through its ups-and-downs. I don’t know what will happen for the foreseeable future, but I know it will be… a lot.

I hope you’re drunk now, so you’ll forget everything you just read. ;)

Floating

The other day, I was walking around aimlessly in Manhattan to clear my mind and think about what is going on with life right now. With no particular destination, random thoughts filled my mind--especially dreams and goals I made exactly three years ago. Three years ago, I echoed to myself. Is that a long time? Did I let these three years slip by? Have I been floating? To go off on floating--I finally learned how to swim when I was 21. I was a senior at Smith, have always been afraid of the water because I almost drowned as a kid on a beach trip with my kindergarten class. I thought to myself if I didn't learn how to swim now, I would never be able to learn--or my willingness to learn will diminish as I age. And so, I signed up for the class.

Most of us in the class didn't know how to swim. Some knew how to float and doggy paddle around, but not technical at all. Everyone caught on pretty quicky and began swimming in less than three weeks of class. I, on the other hand, clung on to the wall and was not able to float. I was still deathly afraid of the water, and did not trust myself to let go and let the water in. I went to the pool in the morning, during lunch, and after class; breathe underwater. Just breathe. I was there so often that the lady who works at the pool came over and told me I shouldn't be afraid. "The water will keep you afloat, if only you trust it enough." She told me to trust science and my body. "Let go," she kept telling me. She even demonstrated how to float and pick herself back up from the water. She said it's easy. And so I tried and tried and tried, and failed every single time. Until finally, I was able to float. This was after 5-6 weeks of hanging onto the wall.

The next month, I swam on my back to the 5 ft mark (I'm 5'1). It wasn't until the last four weeks of class that I finally swam to the deep end. Every time I swam, a deep fear surge into my mind: what if I drown? This thought consumed me once or twice as I hit the wall in the deep end. I swam and as I hit the final strokes to the deep end's wall, I lost grip. I had to be saved by the life guard. I shouldn't do this anymore, I told myself. What if I drown?

The last week of Senior year, I went back to the pool everyday--every moment I had. The final test for Swimming 101 was coming up and I knew I had to get over it--especially since the final test was to jump off the springboard into the deep end, and then swim back to the shallow end. Needless to say, I was scared shitless, but I said "it's okay, just jump, float, and swim on your back." There was a huge build-up before I leaped into the water. But I jumped without thinking, pushed against the water, got on my back, and swam the whole lap.. taking in the view of the crevices of the ceiling, flags. Victory--is this what victory feels like? That was the craziest thing I ever had to do.

If I have to compare where I am right now in life (especially acting) with learning how to swim / float, I would say I'm somewhat still standing at the 5 feet mark, wondering if I should swim into the deep end. There is comfort in knowing I can swim to the 5 feet mark and still be able to stand on the pool ground if I become scared. And so, I'm taking laps back and forth within the 5 feet mark, not pushing myself to get further into the deep end because once I leave the 5 feet mark, I will not be able to stand. What if I drown?

I drowned about two months ago--twice. Over the winter, I was lost. At crossroads, I should say. I was motivated to restart the YouTube channel, but stopped after two months because I did not have a clear idea what I should do. It forced me to question deep down: what do I really want to do? And when I repeatedly found myself drifting back to acting and telling meaningful stories, I left YouTube behind. It was painful. That pain motivated me to rewrite the solo show I gave up on last summer when I focused on writing the short film. I picked it up again and began to write and rewrite non-stop for a whole month. I made the deadline for the NY Fringe Festival in mid-January. I was crossing my fingers, full of hope--hoping I can finally share this story with the world. I was rejected on Tuesday, April 28 around the afternoon time. I cried. That night, I went on my first motorcycle ride, and the pain slowly withered away as the adrenaline kicked in. It calmed me down. I didn't look at the solo show for another two months; but now, I'm looking at it again.

This is the point where I'm standing at the 5 feet mark, wondering if I should swim to the deep end. Deep end meaning I might rewrite the whole thing that it's completely different from what I had originally planned. Should I rewrite? What if I drown in the process?

But I know i will float. I will float. Just do it and don't worry about it. Don't think.

You will float. You will swim.

Just swim.

Growth

When i turned 25 last year, i made a lot of promises to myself. To be happy and content, to challenge myself everyday (something along the lines of: do one thing that scares you everyday), to be a better actor, to be a better daughter/friend. A year later, let's just say everything is pretty much still a work-in-progress. At the end of my 25th year of being on this earth, i realize patience is really a virtue, and if you try to rush things, it ain't gonna work. I learned it the hard way. And i also learned that you should take note and move on. I guess one big thing i really learned this year is what love really means. I mean for the first 25.9 percent of my life, love is really pointed towards family, art, and the community. Other than those three things i poured my whole heart into, nothing else really mattered. 

Towards the last days of my 25th year, my bro thought it'd be a good idea for me to start meeting guys. He said if i don't live life, then I'll never be a good actor. In a way, he is right because a lot of scenes are about love, lust, hate, indifference--if i never experience these feelings, i will look phony. So I was somewhat convinced and signed up for Tinder. I had Coffee Meets Bagel last year, but didn't really like anyone on there, and Tinder is the newest, hottest thing, right? So i was convinced.

Going on that first date was extremely terrifying/nerve-wrecking for me. Maybe because in the past, I've gone on dates where I actually met the person before. This time, stranger danger got to me, and i pooped literally three times before i finally met him. In the end, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I deleted the app a few days after because to be honest, I don't think I'm ready to be in anything. Or maybe I'm afraid of getting hurt; and so, after a few weeks and a lot of uncertainty later, I'm just staying put for now. Whether i meet anyone or not, I should focus on bettering myself. I got a career i have to chase after, and i need to focus.

I must say i learned a lot about love. It's messy. It hurts. Turns out there's no such thing. In the end, if nothing else, it's friendship, companionship. Tolerance. I swear I'm not trying to sound jaded, but yeah, that's what I believe love is.. At least for now.

For my 26th year on this planet, i hope to find more clarity. What is it that i really want? What can i do everyday to get to my goal of becoming a film actor? I also want to start counting my blessings. I have family and friends. I have to be grateful to have them in my life. I never want to take anyone or anything for granted. After all, people come into your life for a reason, right?

So to 26, i hope you will continue to teach me what it means to love. If it burns, please know that that's what it takes to grow. 

So here's to growth. 

Cheers!

25

Tomorrow is my bro's birthday--Cinco de Mayo baby! In 27 days, it will be mine. Turning 26, so i guess I'm living my last year of my mid-twenties? Fuck, that is a scary thought. Over the past two months, so much shit happened. A lot of it challenged me to think about what it means to be truly happy. Or at least who I thought i was in terms of politics, identity, and self. Much of what happened cannot be mentioned, but i can honestly say i cried day into the night-time thinking about these things and the people involved. Needless to say, i grew so much. And all this within the last two months.

So I thought it'd be useful to write down a list of things i learned after being on this planet for 25 friggin years.

1) happiness doesn't exist. It's important to see the good in every situation.

2) smile. Even if you're hurting like a motherfucker, smile. You trick your mind into thinking you're happy.

3) be nice to everyone. Even the person making your coffee/waiter, the security at your building, or the cleaning lady. If you're not nice to these people, then you a horrible person.

4) talk to your family. Yes, everyone including parents will be social media/phone addicts, but make sure you call or have some face time with them. If they ignore you, then grab their phones and toss it into a toilet bowl.

5) be open-minded. Maybe someone is different from who you are and where you came from, but that doesnt mean y'all can't be friends.

6) try everything. Food, that is. Hahaha, jk, try everything once. And by everything, i mean everything. You'll be smart enough to never do something you dont like again.

7) find something you love to do and get so good at it that even you say "damn!"

8) don't try to impress everyone. Just impress yourself.

9) success is however you define it. Everybody is doing the best they can in whatever they do; if you're not already doing this, it means you're not doing something you love.

10) be ambitious as fuck. Seriously mediocrity is so overrated. Be the best you can be.

11) dream like there's no tomorrow. You wanna be the top of your company or be your own boss? Make that shit happen.

12) it takes time. Nothing happens overnight. Be patient.

13) enjoy the journey. Things don't happen instantly, you make it happen.

14) set goals. Keep yourself accountable please.

15) fuck up, but know it's ok and just keep going.

16) keep fuckin going. There will be thousands of people, or your group of close friends who tell you it'd be impossible. Do it anyway.

17) never let anyone or anything hold you back. Not even your close ones.

18) people come and go, and it is ok. Other people will come along.

19) everyone you meet will teach you something about yourself.

20) do something that makes you happy everyday.

21) be present. As much as you'd like to plan for the future, be present.

22) dont take life too seriously. 23) just have fun! Laugh about mistakes. Loved someone who wasn't worth your time? Laugh about it! You're not losing out. They're losing out. When you find someone you like, have lots of fun with them.

24) don't think. Do everything without hesitation! Yolo.

25) be passionate as fuck about everything that matters. Pati baby!

And I'm still keeping up with this list, so yeah, i'm living. Long live errrrbody! ;)

Decisions

Am I going through another quarter life crisis? I think so. The first time I had one was when I was 22, working full-time, but really just wandering. Three years later, I still feel the same way. In a way, I'm in a similar position. I'm working full-time now (contracted position that ends in May); but instead of "thinking" about acting, I'm actually doing it. It only took three years to get to this point, where I finally feel I'm capable of taking on new challenges and say to myself, "you got this girl!" in acting, that is. Otherwise, life is still confusing as heck. And that is why I'm writing about it now. Especially today, because today is when I walk into the office of where I work full-time and decide either a) to continue working there while pursuing acting on the side or b) to finish up the contract and just focus on acting. I already know what I want; it's just taking that leap of faith--again--that is scaring the shit out of me.

So why is it that I'm shitting in my pants? Security. Yup, that's the word. When you work full-time anywhere, you get this amazing thing call direct deposit every two weeks, and when you have to pay rent or credit cards, you know there's a stash waiting for you. It feels amazing to have that security. I lost it after quitting that full-time position three years ago, and I lost it again after quitting that temp work one year ago. Every time I quit, it feels great because I'm like fuck-yeah acting, I'm ready for you baby.. and then reality hits, and I realize I'm just starting out, and if I don't get better and get more work out there, then nobody will know/care about me to cast me in anything, and I'll forever be broke. Or even when I produce my own materials, I need money to make it happen. I can't look like I desperately need the job, I need to prove that I'm ready for the job. I need to do more work, and I need money to make it happen.

Ok, so maybe even the position won't continue and I'm just thinking too much. Gosh, I'm getting all worked up over here, but maybe there is no more money and my position will disappear, and I'm just sitting over here writing and getting worked up over nothing. This has happened before, where i worked and naively throught if i work hard enough, i will get paid, but in the end, just left with half and a broken heart.

No matter what happens today, it just makes me real nervous. It feels like a life-changing decision for sure. Maybe I'm just being dramatic, but ... I don't know if I wanna put myself through this shit anymore. I just want to do something that will make me want to wake up everyday and feel excited about the work. But don't we all?

Ahh, I still don't know what I'm going to do. I'll let the boat flow a little and then when it comes time to make that decision.. that's when I'll make it.

Maybe when I'm in the room today, my subconscious will blurt out what I've been thinking all along. Afterall, you can only lie to yourself for so long before the bubble bursts.

Keep fighting

Today was an amazing day. Finished the short film we've been working on since the summer, and boy, that was an amazing fuckin' experience. Been through thick and thin with this project, and I'm so glad we finished the shooting part. Now the fun part begins--sound & editing. Can't wait for it to come together.

But first, on the experience. Met with the director a few times, rewrote the piece for a gazillion times over the past few months since May.. and still, there needs to be a final touch. Still trying to figure it out. And that's the fun part. The imagination, the point where can translate something we have in our minds into something on screen, and I think that's amazing. I didn't really know what it takes to make something like this, but this experience definitely taught me patience, and the fact that I still have a lot to learn.

Compared to everybody else that's in it right now, I'm still a young and hungry cat looking to see what's out there. I'm constantly searching, maybe soul-searching, to see what's the right fit. Sometimes I think to myself whether what I'm doing now is going to be worth it, but then again, I'm like fuck it, don't think, just do.

A part of me is still stuck between the community vs art route because the community gave me perspective, and I want to be a part of it. I spend a lot of my time thinking about these things because I try to latch on to something of value, and in the end, I don't think I've gained anything. It's terrible and sometimes it eats me up. I always question whether or not the community will be there in the end. I have a deep fear that the answer might not be what I want to hear.

But like my friend said, only you can take you far; only you know what you want most. I didn't even have words to respond to that in the morning. I was just processing his words, like damn, that motherfucker is right. (Excuse the language, been rererereading THE MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE HAT).

Out of all this, I asked myself throughout the day, what makes me come alive, and guess what? The crazy answer, to do art, to tell stories, and to act. Fuckin' crazy I tell ya, but if that's my short answer, that should be something I need to do for myself. Like right now. So I signed my ass up for an acting class in January. I can't fuckin' wait.

What are you most afraid of? What are you doing to conquer that fear?

That thread

It has been 3 years and some change since graduating from college. Time flies. I remember before I graduated from college, I had hopes of working in DC or going straight on to grad school. If you tell me back then I'll have a chance to work in government, I'll say, hey why not. If you tell me back then I'll end up shifting from gig to gig, I'll laugh. Everything I do now is considered a gig, not long term, and I can't really tell you what will happen next year during this time. Sometimes this uncertainty eats me up on the inside, but I know this is the path I took. I have to hold some sort of responsibility for it.

I'm back to working for the community. A nine-month gig doing voting rights. It started out real slow, and now, things are moving at the speed of light. Election Day cannot come sooner. I feel an obligation to do my best because I don't know if they will hire again.

I really like interacting with other folks who works for the community, in NY or elsewhere. I guess that's the thing college really taught me--it taught me how to think critically about the society we live in and how we can work to make it better. It's that thread, that sense of hope that things will get better if we work for it.

I still want to do acting and writing. It's just that I gotta save up enough money to survive when I don't work anymore. I write at night and on the train. I miss that part of me.

I don't know what will happen in a year from now, but all I know is that I still want to work in the community someway, somehow and do art. None of these pay well, but it's good for the soul.

Gotta keep trekking.

Not gonna give up!

Lately, I have been feeling a bit stressed. At times, I wondered if I had made the right decision to become an artist amd organizer. It feels like a constant struggle because I have a lack of knowledge within the field of acting & I don't have a mentor and it is hard navigating this path on my own; and working at a nonprofit with limited  resources can be exhausting.  I only wish I can find answers to my long list of questions, and sometimes the only person I can turn to is myself. It's hard. On the surface, it seems so easy. But in reality, I feel like I have to put in 10x the effort to produce work, and not get anything in return. I never asked for anything in return, because I chose this path on my own. My mom doesn't know what I'm doing, or she is playing dumb... but sometimes I wish I can just tell her what my dreams are: to create a kickass experience at the film festival for the staff, audience, filmmakers, and volunteers and to become the best actor I can be. I'm just starting out in this long, hard journey--and it is just gonna get tougher. There is a lot of pressure I give myself, and I know I should let it go before I burn out. This kind of pressure pushes me to the edge sometimes, but I keep telling myself that it is all gonna be worth it once it is over. Maybe when more staff comes on board, or when I find a mentor, it'd be easier. But for now, I just go to the gym and run miles to relieve the stress. (Hopefully, I won't develop monster calves :P).