Monologue 7: Baba - Father

I wrote this monologue out of a whim about three weeks ago.  I remember sitting at the bakery last spring, watching him and the two kids come in the bakery, getting things for them, caring for them, and I just sat in silence.  Patrons would ask if they're my siblings, and I would just ignore them.  I guess they think I'm rude; but I don't give a fuck.  I just try to eat as fast as I can to leave the bakery, so there'd be no more questions asked. I still remember the anger and frustration I felt during the whole meal.  As if watching him with them wasn't enough, the peanut gallery had to add wood to the fire.  Sometimes I find myself tearing up, and most of the time, I'll tell myself to stop.  Why cry over a man who don't love you no more?  I deal with it.  Or I try my best to ignore it.

He will never understand the pain he caused us.  Believe me, it still hurts.  I'm just trying my best to ignore it.  Or I'm just trying to tell myself everything is okay, when maybe it's not.  Seriously.  I need to not give a fuck because it's over and done with.  I need to be a stronger person.  I need to learn how to let go.  It's all a part of growing up.

Letting go...

Growing Up, Moving On Out.

Growing up, I never thought about growing up.  It's true.  I always knew we would all get older someday, but I never thought about what it really means--until about a few months ago.  I met with my mentor, whom I consider one of my best friends, and we were catching up about life.  One thing that came out of the conversation is pursuing one's dream and what it really means to be independent while doing so--especially when people around you aren't aware of what you're doing/if they will be supportive, if at all, when they find out.  Having this conversation forced me to think about moving on out.  It was and still is so scary. To give a little backstory, I am currently living with my brother, and we are one floor apart from our mother.  We have our own space, but we are still very close to her.  We hang out on Saturdays during her day-off; we have dinner together everyday; we watch television together; we talk and (sometimes) yell at each other (that's the way we talk, btw).  In other words, we are very close as a family--and many factors have led up to this point.   When I imagine growing up/older, I never thought about leaving my family behind.  We have been through so much together that I cannot imagine living life without them in it.

Around me, I see a lot of my friends living by themselves or with friends and they appear to be very independent.  It makes me question where I am now; and if I, too, should move out of my comfort zone (my home), and make my own way.   I feel so attached to my family right now, and I don't see myself leaving anytime soon.  But I feel like somewhere down the line, I will need to physically move out of New York City (to LA?), to leave home.

Maybe then, I can live and dream elsewhere.  Will it make me hungrier for my dreams?  I don't know.  For now, I just want to live out everyday as a new way for me to discover a path I can call my own.  It's some scary shit.  Maybe the messy-twenties?  I don't know what is going to happen in the future... only time will tell--and the clock is ticking!