Re-entering.

It has been a while since I've last updated my Youtube channel.  I stopped during the summer months because the festival work began to pick up; and since balancing work was already hard enough, doing things i love/can work on fell by the wayside.  I felt guilty for leaving the channel for a bit--granted I don't have too many subscribers, but still .. i felt like i was doing myself an injustice by not working on the craft. To be honest, I started the Youtube channel as a way to document my journey through acting--sort of like what I'm doing here.  I felt troubled when asked to do monologues, knowing i had none to offer.  But i found a few pieces that i really like.. that i really connected with and started memorizing from there.  It was hard, but overtime, each and every monologue felt more comfortable.  Some were a bit harder (i must admit).  I left monologues/Youtube for a hiatus, a hibernation of sorts.  I didn't have time a few months ago, but now I do.   And now I'm back.

I struggled to find a direction to the channel.  What should i do?  I'm no fashion or beauty/make-up guru.  I've always thought about teaching Cantonese (for about a year now), so I jumped right in.  I made my first video and then another, and then another.  I think by making the videos, I'm getting more comfortable in front of the camera, which is something I struggle with and want to fix.  Afterall, I want to get into film and television work.  I have to get over it.  It's not an option.

At times, I still doubt whether anyone will like or notice the channel.  I always film with this uncertainty, and my brother called me out for it.  Sometimes harshly.  Although I get pretty antsy every time I say hello, I just need to tell myself to let go.  In class, we talk about letting go a lot.  It's the same type of feeling -- just a different medium.  I see it as a way of practice.  They say practice makes perfect.  So hopefully, I'll be able to hone the craft overtime.

It takes work, it takes time.  I just need to be more patient.

Last leg: Songbird

I can't believe how time flies -- and I haven't posted in about 1.5 months already.  Life has been so busy with the film festival lately, so I haven't been working on my own stuff as much.  We're now in war mode, so that explains why I haven't been posting (but that's no excuse, right?). During the last section of the first-year at The Barrow Group, we were assigned to do classics.  I chose a snip-bit between Mrs. Linde & Nora from A Doll's House by Henrik Ibsen.  We had about a month+ to work on it, so it was pretty intense.  I remember I had to buy a long dress because that's what womyn wore back in the days.  I also put on red lipstick to get into the traditional wife mindset (lipstick makes me look a bit older). When it comes to memorizing the lines, which is always a struggle, it took me about 2 weeks.  I memorized it whenever I can--at work, on the subway, at home, with my scene partner.  I know it takes me a while to memorize lines, but after I memorized the lines, I found it so much easier to play with what's around me.  We were always taught to memorize and throw away the lines because it will come back to us.  I always have that instinct to hang on to exact words.  Surprisingly, sometimes when I throw away the lines, it somehow comes back to me.  Other than the lines, I focused a lot on really getting down the whole story of the play.  I read it 4 times to see how the scene really fit into the story.  At first, I only focused on the scene itself--with specific instructions on how to play the "greatest story ever told" direction, but when we played with it in class again, our teacher Seth asked about the sequence of events + how the scene had to do with the rest of the story.  I just sat there, blank-faced because a) I blanked out and b) I really need to do some homework and read before I make random choices without knowing why.  After reading the whole play, I realized how critical this scene is to Nora and her relationship with her husband:  she finally reveals/confesses to someone that she did something terribly wrong in order to save her husband's life.  That's pretty big!

In terms of really playing it, I had a hard time trying to find a balance between between so excited vs. just serious.  Knowing Nora, on the surface at least, she seems like a pretty mindless person.  If we were to only read the scene, then it seems like something so serious; but if you relate it to Nora and her life, then she can say it so casually but it will still mean a great deal because of the words coming out of her mouth.  The WORDS!  That's what's important.  That's the most important takeaway from the last bit of the first-year.

Monologue 10: Go Buck on a Motherf*cker!

Seriously, this is my favorite play.  It is horrible because I curse left and right, but I think the inner "hood" girl in me comes out.  I've never "acted" like this in front of other people -- wait, when I get angry at work, this side of me comes out -- but it is definitely something I can bring out if I want to.  Many people think I'm a nice sweet girl when they meet me.  When I was at Trader Joes, the cashier asked me what I was reading, and I said The Motherfucker with the Hat.  He laughed.  He said, "But you're so sweet looking.."  Anyway, he doesn't know anything about me. At first, I tried recording this video in the subway station because it looked gritty -- perfect for this monologue.  But then I realized it might be better indoors.  It is quieter and I can focus more.  I did several takes.  The first take just to warm-up to the lines (I record my videos from first-take on because sometimes I am more relaxed during the first go), and as I get more and more familiar with the lines... the circumstances kick in and I get so angry and I do it so much faster.  I always wonder if I need to slow down towards the end.  I end up having two cuts.  First cut is just getting the lines down, and then surprisingly, second take was good.  Towards the 5th and last take, my words became so much more fluid.   I get more relaxed and I also allow myself to just speak like an normal person.  When you're so caught up in playing a character -- a make-believer, that you forget to act like a normal human being.  So a future assignment I'll throw myself is just to stop thinking what an actor does or how a normal human being acts, and just act.

I hope I don't have to think  and just do it.  But it takes lot of practice.  Practicing now...

Monologue 9: Poor as Job's Turkey!

First time playing with the Southern accent?  Yes!  It just came to me.  I guess I have been watching too much THE WALKING DEAD lately.  Rick, the main character, has a Southern accent.  I kept thinking about him when I was doing my takes.  I believe this is the 5th take.  I only had about 10 minutes to record this before work, and I was so nervous.  The first few tries was just to get down the accent and the lines.  I realized how easy it gets once you down the lines.  You just get a move quicker and actually focusing on acting.  I think I did that with this monologue.  I will do this from now on and see what happens.

Monologue 8: Searching for My Mother

Whao, I totally forgot to post a blog entry for this monologue when I was done one and a half week ago.  This monologue is super special to me because I used it for college acting auditions.  When I was 17 and working with this monologue, I felt I had to be big in my breath and movement.  I had to "act" older and pretend to be a valley girl.  I definitely see some diva in her that i really liked. After working on my craft for a few months, I just look back at how silly I was to do it the way I did in 2006.  I definitely over exaggerated every line.  As I grow as a performer, I realized less is more -- this is a philosophy taught at The Barrow Group.

Monologue 7: Baba - Father

I wrote this monologue out of a whim about three weeks ago.  I remember sitting at the bakery last spring, watching him and the two kids come in the bakery, getting things for them, caring for them, and I just sat in silence.  Patrons would ask if they're my siblings, and I would just ignore them.  I guess they think I'm rude; but I don't give a fuck.  I just try to eat as fast as I can to leave the bakery, so there'd be no more questions asked. I still remember the anger and frustration I felt during the whole meal.  As if watching him with them wasn't enough, the peanut gallery had to add wood to the fire.  Sometimes I find myself tearing up, and most of the time, I'll tell myself to stop.  Why cry over a man who don't love you no more?  I deal with it.  Or I try my best to ignore it.

He will never understand the pain he caused us.  Believe me, it still hurts.  I'm just trying my best to ignore it.  Or I'm just trying to tell myself everything is okay, when maybe it's not.  Seriously.  I need to not give a fuck because it's over and done with.  I need to be a stronger person.  I need to learn how to let go.  It's all a part of growing up.

Letting go...

Monologue 6: Fat Pig

It's crazy how much I think about weight and body image these days.  I think it's because of the external pressure of how an actor should look like that makes me very conscious of what I eat and how it will make me look.  I can't deny the fact that diet, a conscious choice of healthy eating, has been a big part of my life for the past month or so.  It's so hard to keep up with it sometimes, but I'm slowly learning self-discipline and cutting back on eating processed and junk foods--which brings me to FAT PIG by Neil Labute. I first heard of this play through a male classmate who did a monologue out of it.  Within the monologue, he talked about how shameful he felt about his mother's weight issue, and I immediately got sucked into the story.   I decided to buy the book, read it, and picked out this part of the play to play with.  As an obese child, I knew I can find something in this play I can relate to.

It was hardest monologue for me.  For various reasons, I found myself in the "actor" mode.  Like ... how will this girl feel when she is confessing to the boy she likes a lot that she will do anything to herself to change for him?  That was a truckload to digest.  I tried too hard to think about the words, and at some point in class, I totally forgot my lines and didn't even know how to deliver it.  I tried recording the monologue at home right after I left class, but I had so much trouble.  What was Helen feeling at the moment?  I kept thinking about how Helen might've thought.  I knew I was trapping myself into creating a certain emotional character for her, so I decided to take a week's break from the material.  I woke up on Wednesday morning (4/3) and decided it was time to record this video... and this is the 3rd take.  I did 4 takes, but decided this one was more natural and conversational compared to the other takes.  What do you think?

As much as I care about body image, I don't think I'll change myself for anyone in this world.  I think Helen has a lot to work on, if she wants to be with Tom.  But the story never got up to that point... oh wait, why am I spoiling the play.  Go borrow or buy the play to find out what happens between Tom, the good-looking boy, and Helen, the so-called "fat pig."  It's a really interesting read and what our society thinks is beautiful these days.  Definitely spoke out to me, and I hope it will for you too.

MONOLOGUE 5: Just Go

While shopping at The Drama Bookshop, I found a play called THE MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE HAT by Stephen Adly Guirgis that spoke deeply to me.  The whole play is set up in NYC, and it talks about a drug addict, her husband who was recently released from prison, and their complicated relationship with two friends. In this monologue, I play Veronica, the drug addict, who tries to break it off with her husband's best friend.  I struggled so much to play her character because of the circumstances in this scene--I had to figure out how to play a Puerto Rican woman from NYC, and how to be high in this scene.  I held on to these two things as I did a few takes, but found myself a bit stiff/fake.  Towards the end, I was running out of time (the flip video cam only holds about an hour of footage), so I just said fuck it, and did it without thinking too much... and that's the take you're watching now.

**I tried bleeping out the word fuck, but obviously, you can still somewhat hear it.  I hope youtube doesn't take it down! ***In this scene, I was talking to myself in a bed and then by a door, but I actually spoke to Pikachu, and it was quite hard holding in the laughter.  He's too cute for me to tell him any of this, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

MONOLOGUE 4: Gotta have Faith

Every time I do this monologue, I feel like I'm in high school again.  As a teenager, I worked with kids and as a receptionist at an orthodontist's office.  I never worked at McDonalds, but can definitely relate to Faith, the character in this monologue, who has to go through hell because of entitled customers.  I have dealt with difficult characters in many different situations, and can definitely relate to her frustration. I did several takes.  At first, I recorded this monologue while sitting down.  But then I realized it is so much better doing this monologue standing up--because a real McDonalds worker will be standing up; so I asked my brother to help me record it.  He gave me a limit of 10 minutes, and this is the last and best take.  What do you think?

(I swear I have this much swag in real life ;D)

Monologue 3: Swallowing the Bitterness

When I did this monologue in class, I was so nervous.  Not nervous about the performance (a little), but mostly because of the content.  The subject matter within this monologue--racial tension between the Black and Asian community--holds a special place in my heart.  As I was searching through the book for a monologue that speaks to me, I found "Swallowing the Bitterness" by Anna Deavere Smith.  It is a monologue about Mrs. Young-Soon Han, a former liquor store owner, and her relationship with the Black community after the LA Riots in 1992.  I can never imagine what it was like going through turmoil--both physically and emotionally.  The sense of loss, confusion, and never being able to find justice.  It was something I can always relate to.  So right when I read through this piece in "Extreme Exposure," I knew I had to work on it. I did this with only one-take, and I'm super proud of myself! :D  I recorded many more takes, but felt the first one was the most raw.  I hope you enjoy it!  -- Will write more of the backstory of why & how I developed an interest in this subject matter later.  For now, I have to run to work!

MONOLOGUE 2: Why hello, Malvolio!

I took a month-long break from monologue-making--sorry!  I was super swamped with work (transitioned into a new position) and classes (I'm taking improv at UCB and I absolutely love it!); so lots has been changing and happening in my life .. for the better. But!

I didn't forget about my Youtube Channel.  I have been working on a Shakespeare monologue during this down period, and it is what you see in the video.  This time, I limited myself to three takes ... three takes only!  Remember how I did 11 takes in the first one?  Yeah, I try to be fair and do less this time.  Hope you enjoy the video.  Don't forget to subscribe & like! ;)

Monologue 1: Girl with the Long, Blond Hair

This is my first attempt to perform a monologue in front of a camera (11 takes).  I know I shouldn't have done so many takes, but the first few tries didn't feel real.  When I think about acting, all I want is for it to be real.  I found myself being stiff through the takes--maybe because I'm nervous.  I think all actors get nervous, and it's okay.  Especially that first breath you take before you start the monologue.  Usually the start of the monologue is the hardest because you work up your nerves to jump start the whole thing, but once you start and get into the words, everything falls into place.  (if you want to see how nervous I was, watch the bloopers). I hope this first attempt is something I can always look back on and think of ways to improve.  What do you guys think?