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Judy Lei

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

  • FILM
    • The World's Greatest
    • Forever Maybe
  • SOLO SHOW
    • The World's Greatest
    • 28: Still Fucked Up
  • Blog
  • Gallery
  • Testimonials
  • Tickets
  • About
  • Resumé
  • Contact

Endings

Why hello there, welcome. There’s so much I wanna say, but I only have three words to sum up what’s been going on in the world for the past four months: what. the. fuckkkkkk. If I was standing on top of a mountain, that is exactly what I’ll be screaming; but alas, I’m at home, sitting on a couch I held off on buying for four months after we moved in … and right before the Coronavirus hit. If I would’ve waited another month to buy it, I’ll still probably be sitting on patio chairs inside my living room. That’s where life was … or maybe still is.

So what’s been going on since last October? I made a film. Well, sort of. We weren’t done shooting and was supposed to shoot more scenes at the end of April, but guess what else happened? Coronavirus. Okay, I’ll stop talking about the ‘Rona, since people read enough about it on the daily—or if you’ve been avoiding the news altogether, I am giving you a virtual hug, because, no physical contact is allowed.

A lot, a lot has happened since last October. The cast was finalized and the shooting team was assembled in November, and we started shooting in December. Even before shooting, it was a lot of work. A LOT OF WORK. (Okay, please take a shot for every time I said/say a lot. You’re welcome). A few people joined the crew, dropped out, a few other people joined, and then dropped out. It was a lot of work trying to assemble the team just to shoot the film. I was under a tremendous amount of pressure since the cast has already been set—I reminded myself that they’re flying in on x-date(s), so you better get your shit together. The clock was ticking. At the very last minute, one person said yes, and another said yes, and another one, and bam, we got a team. That was the most amount of stress I’ve experienced, and we didn’t even begin shooting yet. Ha!

That was the psychological hiccup before we filmed. In terms of physical, I spent Thanksgiving week swinging by B&H and Adorama for their Black Friday deals. I had a set list of things to buy, because renting the equipment would’ve been maybe $200 cheaper than buying the gear itself… so why not own the equipment, because who knows, someday I might make another film, right? So I bought lights, lighting equipment, gels, bouncers, hard drives, and a case to carry it all. It was $$$$$.

Now the fun part begins. I lugged around 30+lbs of equipment from B&H to Adorama just to save money on cab fare. I had to save every penny for the shoot itself—can’t be wasting money like that. It’s only about a mile walk, and cabbing would’ve taken about the same amount of time, right? I was dead wrong. I struggled hard and had to stop every two blocks just to catch my breath. It was cold too. By the time I walked into Adorama, I was in tears. Nobody knew what was going on, but the security guard asked the manager to let me put stuff behind the counter, so that I can pick up some used equipment I purchased online. The manager, a kind Jewish man, told me about a water cooler on the other side of the wall/entrance. I quickly walked over like a thirsty puppy to drink two cups before I walked to the pick-up area. After I was done picking up/paying, I walked back to the front to pick up the stuff I bought at B&H. The manager said he already taped a handle on one of the boxes I was carrying to make it easier for me to carry. He then offered me a piece of strawberry candy and asked me why I looked so disheveled. I started crying again. He asked what I’m going to do next, and I told him I’ll most likely call a car home because it’s too much. “It’s a lot,” I said, trying to contain my tears. He didn’t press further and helped carry bags of stuff I bought from B&H out the door. Mind you, he’s a manager at Adorama. He didn’t go back into the shop until he saw me click confirm on an Uber. It was evening, primetime, meaning very expensive, so I tried to book a “shared” ride to save money, and pretty much every car I booked canceled on me—most likely because of where I’m going to, deep-ass Brooklyn. I finally bit the dust and booked an Uber X, and that guy, that Uber X guy, did not cancel on me because the ride costed ~$68… it was a lot of money. Sigh.

I think I lost 5lbs, just from that trip alone. Now imagine loading this kind of stuff for half the shoot. I was ripped, finally skinny, and to my disbelief, looked like a normal, average weight person on-camera. We shot for 11 days (nine days full speed, two days for pick-ups). Everything happened so fast. Wake up at 6AM, wash hair, bring equipment downstairs, throw it into the cab, get to Chinatown, shoot for 9 hours (8 if you leave out meal-time), take the train home, shower, take a few bites of food, figure out call sheet, call actors to rehearse (if needed), then sleep around midnight/1AM, and then wake up again to do it the next day. Sounds exhausting and a lot? Nope. I fuckin’ loved every minute of it. I didn’t want it to end.

After all that work, I am now going through some stuff with post-production that I can’t talk about publicly. It’s a lot. A lot of emotional labor that went into it that probably will never be compensated for. I probably lost five years of my life during post-production because of stress and anxiety. I constantly feel something gnawing at my stomach and it hurts. I think it’s stress. I seriously feel so hopeless. Should I give up on this project? Or should I push onwards? These are the questions I think about everyday during quarantine. There are days where I just want to give up completely (most days), and then there are some days where I think of a great way to save the project (some days). Today, July 22, 2020, is finally one of those days where I channeled this stress into a HIIT work-out. As sweat dripped down my face and chest during cool down, I thought of saving the film by switching it into a a more comedic tone. This thought gave me a new sense of hope, and I honestly have not felt this way for a really, really long time. I am going to work on this thought further and reimagine the whole film. (Btw, Ashley C., if you’re reading this, thanks for your encouragement today. Let’s keep kicking ass in this business).

A lot of things have ended since the start of the pandemic mid-March (not BLM bc folks are still fighting everyday). A lot of businesses I love have since closed, permanently. The Barrow Group Theatre Company and the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre both closed their doors about one-ish, two months into the pandemic. Both were my artistic homes, so it really hit me hard. TBG’s announcement hit me extra hard. They mentioned how they’ll find a new space, but this is uncertain, as times are extra uncertain now. For me, I just can’t imagine not ever walking into 3A again. This made me cry, a lot.

Some things that also ended during this pandemic: my desire to keep working on the film (of which subsided), my addiction to one-cup-a-day-coffee, some relationships I’ve built right before the pandemic, and my uncle’s life. I thought about writing a reflection about each one of these things when it happened, but I chose not to because it takes time to process. I want to think, feel, and make sure I make sense of how each of these affected my growth as a person before writing about it. I’ve learned that life is too short, there will be endings, and it’s best to meet people where they are. It’s okay to let go of a lot of things. That, I think, is my greatest strength.

I’m beginning to see life as it is and I’m learning to love life again—even though it’s been very hard through its ups-and-downs. I don’t know what will happen for the foreseeable future, but I know it will be… a lot.

I hope you’re drunk now, so you’ll forget everything you just read. ;)

tags: life lessons, life, film, dreams
categories: Blog
Wednesday 07.22.20
Posted by Judy Lei
 

2015

Today is Christmas Eve. Meaning 2015 is 'bout to be over, which means it's a great time to sum up what happened this year. 2015 is a year filled with emotions. Early on, I found out something that I spent two months crying about it. I cried about it on my way to work, at work, after work, on my way home, at home... you get the point. Then, about a third way through, I thought I fell in love for the first time. I cried about it on my way to work, at work, after work, on my way home, at home... you get the point. The thing is, I cried a lot; and maybe that's how I got the eye infection. But all that crying taught me, it's okay to cry about things. It's okay to let it all out. And in the end, everything is going to be okay. Two important things I learned: people are the way they are; accept them as they are. Never never never never never never put your mind/body/soul on the line for anyone who doesn't give two shits about you. Life is too short to waste your energy on people who ain't even matter. Go through the 'mo gracefully, walk out gracefully--cuz in the end, you doing what's right for yourself is what matters. All in all, I found an emotional strength within myself that I thought I never had. It look a while for me to realize how much I can handle; but alas, you live and you learn.

2015 is a year of balance. I worked a full-time job at AALDEF (Asian American Legal Defense and Education Fund) to support my dreams of one day becoming a full-time artist. I finished up the contract towards the end of May, and then woke up the next day ready to work with AAIFF (Asian American International Film Festival). I picked things up quite easily again since I've done it before; it's just the time deadlines this time around that made it challenging. Well guess what!? I love me a challenge. I worked with such a great team to make AAIFF what it is--and then it was over. I still think about how much we had to do to make the film festival what it is, and how much fun we have when guests and audience members come to town. Both AALDEF and AAIFF is all about community and social justice--representation in legal/media fronts, so it motivates me to keep doing work. It's tiring; it's tiring; but sometimes, it's all worth it.

2015 is a year I started to write again. I topped the year off by binge writing the solo show (a solo show is a theatre piece performed by one person) for two weeks straight. Then I submitted the rough draft to the New York International Fringe Festival (it's a theatre festival that happens in NYC every summer). Then I got rejected towards the end of April. No biggie ya know, cuz this industry, and in life, you get no's 99% of the time. I got hurt and thought about giving up; gave up looking at the solo show piece for the entire summer; BUT, I realized how much I believed in the story, picked up my laptop, edited, wrote more, took out some, edited more, and BAM, I finished writing a third draft in October right before I left for Asia. I printed out and took the piece to Hong Kong and Japan with me, hoping I'll memorize it. Well, I memorized freshmen/bits of sophomore year at the very least. I'm still memorizing it. I have eight more pages to go. I got this.

2015 is a year for an upgrade. I took two acting classes at the Barrow Group Theatre to continue to work on the craft, and then got casted in a 15 minute play. I also got my headshots retaken by the talented talented David Noles and beautiful/masterful makeup artist Anna. I printed them and printed out new business cards too. I invested a portion of my earnings on these marketing materials, and I love it! You sometimes have to invest in you to grow your business. So spend money, and do it right. Upgrade yourself.

2015 is a year for travels. I went to Philly twice for work--once in January to meet with elderly Chinese voters who didn't get to vote, and then in the summer for a photoshoot with Nom Wah Tea Parlour. I think it's a quaint city I did not have the time to personally explore. I'll be back! In November, I spent the entire month in Asia. 15 days in Hong Kong, 3 days in Macau, then 10 days in Japan. I spent time with family and some friends in HK, explored Macau without going into the casinos, and then went nuts and fell in love with Japan. All this time in Asia allowed me to really sit down and reflect on the bigger picture--what is it that you're trying to do, Judy? Are you doing enough of it? Keep ya ass moving and stop thinking and start doing shit. Ok? <-- yeah, that's how I talk to myself. Bahaha.. Tough love (aka the ways Asians make it through in life).

That pretty much sums up 2015 in a nutshell. I have a lot of GOALS I wanna accomplish in 2016 that I'll write out in another post. Keeping the hustle alive and keeping my eyes wide open for the upcoming year, so let's end 2015 with a big bang. 

Bang on, my friends. (Ok, that sounded weird, but who gives two shits!?)

tags: hustle, life lessons
categories: Acting, Blog, Journey, Writing
Thursday 12.24.15
Posted by Judy L.
 

The City of Angels - Life Lesson: Nostalgia

For almost 5 years, i always wondered: when will i be able to visit LA?  After taking many risks this past year, I finally decided to book a trip to the city of angels. It will be my sixth time in California--I have been to San Francisco three times, San Diego & Santa Barbara once--but it'd be my first time in lala land!  I began to research different places to visit, or people I'd like to see/meet, especially those who have been influential to the Asian American community, for CineVue. In the end, I had the pleasure to speak with Abe & Anderson at Visual Communications, UCLA Professor Emeritus Robert Nakamura, and Giant Robot founder/owner Eric Nakamura. Though most of the interviews were for work, it didn't feel like i was working. It felt more like i was just speaking with friends who are passionate about the same things i do: APA identity formation, cinema, and the arts. We spoke about a lot of things, but some topics that stuck out to me was: how things have been done in the past, how technolgy changes the dynamics of storytelling, and how only true dedication and motivation can help you succeed--even if you have very little money.

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In one instance, I asked the interviewee about the past and future, and he said he doesn't want to think about what was, or how it would be in the future; he just wants to focus on the present and do the best he can now. He also mentioned it is not good to be nostalgic because we have to move on forward and do things even better than what we have done in the past.  I consider this piece of advice a life lesson.

This life lesson still keeps me thinking because i am pretty nostalgic when it comes to a lot of things--especially when it comes to the APA community.  I always  geek out and go googoogaga over archival materials at work (stuff that happened almost 40 years ago!) and I think about what it was like back then.  I always compare the good ol' times and forget to look at what we have or can do now to make it as good as it was years ago.  From listening to those who have been working in the community for a long time, and how they work to accomplish smaller goals now instead of looking back, it really inspires me to do the same.

I need to start changing my mindset and focus more on the present & live in the moment.  I need to look in the past only for a point of reference, and not grow nostalgic over everything. Afterall, it's about pushing boundaries and forging forward.  So to nostalgia, so long!

tags: art, from the gut, giant robot, life lessons, los angeles, nostalgia
categories: Blog, Community, Writing
Wednesday 11.21.12
Posted by Judy L.
 

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