Why hello there, welcome. There’s so much I wanna say, but I only have three words to sum up what’s been going on in the world for the past four months: what. the. fuckkkkkk. If I was standing on top of a mountain, that is exactly what I’ll be screaming; but alas, I’m at home, sitting on a couch I held off on buying for four months after we moved in … and right before the Coronavirus hit. If I would’ve waited another month to buy it, I’ll still probably be sitting on patio chairs inside my living room. That’s where life was … or maybe still is.
So what’s been going on since last October? I made a film. Well, sort of. We weren’t done shooting and was supposed to shoot more scenes at the end of April, but guess what else happened? Coronavirus. Okay, I’ll stop talking about the ‘Rona, since people read enough about it on the daily—or if you’ve been avoiding the news altogether, I am giving you a virtual hug, because, no physical contact is allowed.
A lot, a lot has happened since last October. The cast was finalized and the shooting team was assembled in November, and we started shooting in December. Even before shooting, it was a lot of work. A LOT OF WORK. (Okay, please take a shot for every time I said/say a lot. You’re welcome). A few people joined the crew, dropped out, a few other people joined, and then dropped out. It was a lot of work trying to assemble the team just to shoot the film. I was under a tremendous amount of pressure since the cast has already been set—I reminded myself that they’re flying in on x-date(s), so you better get your shit together. The clock was ticking. At the very last minute, one person said yes, and another said yes, and another one, and bam, we got a team. That was the most amount of stress I’ve experienced, and we didn’t even begin shooting yet. Ha!
That was the psychological hiccup before we filmed. In terms of physical, I spent Thanksgiving week swinging by B&H and Adorama for their Black Friday deals. I had a set list of things to buy, because renting the equipment would’ve been maybe $200 cheaper than buying the gear itself… so why not own the equipment, because who knows, someday I might make another film, right? So I bought lights, lighting equipment, gels, bouncers, hard drives, and a case to carry it all. It was $$$$$.
Now the fun part begins. I lugged around 30+lbs of equipment from B&H to Adorama just to save money on cab fare. I had to save every penny for the shoot itself—can’t be wasting money like that. It’s only about a mile walk, and cabbing would’ve taken about the same amount of time, right? I was dead wrong. I struggled hard and had to stop every two blocks just to catch my breath. It was cold too. By the time I walked into Adorama, I was in tears. Nobody knew what was going on, but the security guard asked the manager to let me put stuff behind the counter, so that I can pick up some used equipment I purchased online. The manager, a kind Jewish man, told me about a water cooler on the other side of the wall/entrance. I quickly walked over like a thirsty puppy to drink two cups before I walked to the pick-up area. After I was done picking up/paying, I walked back to the front to pick up the stuff I bought at B&H. The manager said he already taped a handle on one of the boxes I was carrying to make it easier for me to carry. He then offered me a piece of strawberry candy and asked me why I looked so disheveled. I started crying again. He asked what I’m going to do next, and I told him I’ll most likely call a car home because it’s too much. “It’s a lot,” I said, trying to contain my tears. He didn’t press further and helped carry bags of stuff I bought from B&H out the door. Mind you, he’s a manager at Adorama. He didn’t go back into the shop until he saw me click confirm on an Uber. It was evening, primetime, meaning very expensive, so I tried to book a “shared” ride to save money, and pretty much every car I booked canceled on me—most likely because of where I’m going to, deep-ass Brooklyn. I finally bit the dust and booked an Uber X, and that guy, that Uber X guy, did not cancel on me because the ride costed ~$68… it was a lot of money. Sigh.
I think I lost 5lbs, just from that trip alone. Now imagine loading this kind of stuff for half the shoot. I was ripped, finally skinny, and to my disbelief, looked like a normal, average weight person on-camera. We shot for 11 days (nine days full speed, two days for pick-ups). Everything happened so fast. Wake up at 6AM, wash hair, bring equipment downstairs, throw it into the cab, get to Chinatown, shoot for 9 hours (8 if you leave out meal-time), take the train home, shower, take a few bites of food, figure out call sheet, call actors to rehearse (if needed), then sleep around midnight/1AM, and then wake up again to do it the next day. Sounds exhausting and a lot? Nope. I fuckin’ loved every minute of it. I didn’t want it to end.
After all that work, I am now going through some stuff with post-production that I can’t talk about publicly. It’s a lot. A lot of emotional labor that went into it that probably will never be compensated for. I probably lost five years of my life during post-production because of stress and anxiety. I constantly feel something gnawing at my stomach and it hurts. I think it’s stress. I seriously feel so hopeless. Should I give up on this project? Or should I push onwards? These are the questions I think about everyday during quarantine. There are days where I just want to give up completely (most days), and then there are some days where I think of a great way to save the project (some days). Today, July 22, 2020, is finally one of those days where I channeled this stress into a HIIT work-out. As sweat dripped down my face and chest during cool down, I thought of saving the film by switching it into a a more comedic tone. This thought gave me a new sense of hope, and I honestly have not felt this way for a really, really long time. I am going to work on this thought further and reimagine the whole film. (Btw, Ashley C., if you’re reading this, thanks for your encouragement today. Let’s keep kicking ass in this business).
A lot of things have ended since the start of the pandemic mid-March (not BLM bc folks are still fighting everyday). A lot of businesses I love have since closed, permanently. The Barrow Group Theatre Company and the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre both closed their doors about one-ish, two months into the pandemic. Both were my artistic homes, so it really hit me hard. TBG’s announcement hit me extra hard. They mentioned how they’ll find a new space, but this is uncertain, as times are extra uncertain now. For me, I just can’t imagine not ever walking into 3A again. This made me cry, a lot.
Some things that also ended during this pandemic: my desire to keep working on the film (of which subsided), my addiction to one-cup-a-day-coffee, some relationships I’ve built right before the pandemic, and my uncle’s life. I thought about writing a reflection about each one of these things when it happened, but I chose not to because it takes time to process. I want to think, feel, and make sure I make sense of how each of these affected my growth as a person before writing about it. I’ve learned that life is too short, there will be endings, and it’s best to meet people where they are. It’s okay to let go of a lot of things. That, I think, is my greatest strength.
I’m beginning to see life as it is and I’m learning to love life again—even though it’s been very hard through its ups-and-downs. I don’t know what will happen for the foreseeable future, but I know it will be… a lot.
I hope you’re drunk now, so you’ll forget everything you just read. ;)