Pati

Yesterday was an awesome day. Around noon, I found out I was casted in a short play called ATM directed by Heesu Chae. Around 5:30pm, I was sitting at White Rabbit Tattoo getting my second and most likely last tattoo (ha, that's what I said about the first one). But yesterday was awesome on so many levels. It was the first time in a long time where I felt I was moving towards something in this artistic career. First of all, I was in utter shock when I found out I got casted. I think it's the first time where I auditioned and was selected amongst others. I auditioned for the role on Friday evening and was so out of it during the audition, so to even be selected, wow. I remember thinking to myself in the audition room that there are people who are younger or more stylish than me who can play the free-spirited girl. Or I was thinking if I don't get this part, it'd be great audition practice for the next role. I'm usually terribly nervous during auditions, so I just told myself to have fun and don't think too much about it. And it worked! I think as actors, sometimes we get into our heads way too much and that self-deprecating talk ain't gonna help. Gonna remember to do that for every audition from now on and just have fun.

On another note, I can't believe I got another tattoo. It says pati and has a lightning bolt on it. Pati is the latin root for the words passion and patience, and it means to suffer or endure. I first heard about this word through my brother. He was watching American Idol, and a singer who was auditioning told the judges that the journey he's in in making music represents pati, which means to suffer greatly to do the things you love. After my bro finished watching that episode, he immediately showed me. He thought I would like the word/idea, and I did. I kept thinking about getting it as a tattoo, but another idea I had was just to get a thunderbolt to represent my surname/Pikachu. I thought, hey, why not get both, and I did. I still remember the pain I felt the first time I got a tattoo about 1.5 years ago, so it wasn't that bad. Now, it's just healing. -- For the past few weeks or even months, I have been working to get out of this rut I've been on since the beginning of winter. I didn't want to admit it, but I had a lot of pain--so much on my mind. Like where am I going with this acting career, and who can really understand and know what I'm going through. I guess I felt very alone in this process. I was stressing and thinking a lot. At some point, I thought of just giving up. Everybody around me was getting into grad/law school and I wanted to follow suit. But then I sat down and had to question whether what they have is really what I want. When the answer is repeatedly no, I knew I had to hone in and focus.

Although I was in pain, I knew only time can solve/heal everything. I still have a lot to grow--getting better, growing up, opening up more, sharing more of what I truly am thinking to others instead of just smiling and saying everything is good. I don't want to burden others, and I want to be a ball of happiness. So instead of hanging out with friends, I spent a lot of time alone and with my brother, who is truly my best friend. I don't know where I will be without his love and support.

I guess at the end of the day, it's so important to just take time and think through what you really want. Sometimes the answer might not be obvious, but just listen to that inner voice--never let anything else distract you. And also, work hard, work smart, and what we really want will be right in front of us. Not because it decided to show up, but because you worked so hard that what you built is now finally ready, finally here. Take charge and go. Nothing else is stopping us now.

first audition

My first audition happened when I was 17 and it was for 2g, an Asian American Theatre Company; they were casting for a series of 10 minute plays. I browsed through the cast descriptions and found a play casting a 17 year old girl. That's me, i thought! And then I read on: To submit yourself for a role, you need to send in a headshot and resume. I didn't have either. So I immediately went into the bathroom and took a selfie of myself with a WongFu t-shirt and a big ass smile with braces. I consider that as my first headshot. I printed out the headshot on printer paper, and thank god I have enough color ink! I sent the headshot and resume in, and heard back within a day with audition info. Whao, now I have a chance. The audition was held right across the street from The Public Theatre. I ran up the stairs and saw people waiting. I asked if this was the spot, and someone said yes. I took a side and sat on the floor. A girl directly across from me was prepping. And by prepping, I mean, she really got into the character. Like in it in it. It was quite scary.

They finally called my name, and I went into the room. There were two guys in the room, one man named Lloyd (the person who I was emailing with) and the reader. He was super friendly and said "Oh, you're the girl with the braces!" It was quite cool because I'll be so believable for a 17 year old. I read through the whole scene twice and then it was over. I awkwardly stumbled my way out of the room. It was pretty nerve-wrecking, but it was my first glimpse as to what the audience process involves.

In the end, I didn't get the part. I went to watch the show and saw some many talented people on the stage. I wondered what I had to do to get to their level.

After not getting the part, I found out a month later that I didn't get in the three Drama Programs I applied for. It was a real bummer for me, and I wondered if acting was right for me. I questioned myself again and again, until the thought of being an actor just faded away. I knew deep down within me there's this tiny voice telling me I want to become one -- but how?

After getting back into the craft several years later, I realized it's more about persistence than anything else. Sure, when I was 17 I was completely devastated in not getting the part. But I think that re-routed me into a different path, into a non-actors path, and then getting back on it. This first audition taught me if you have a love for something deep within you -- you'll someday run back to it. And when you get reunited with the craft and nothing changes, you will know it's love.

I do belong.

I promised myself in the beginning of this year that I will put myself out there more often for auditions, and today, i did. I went to an audition for a play called "In the Wine Time," set in the 1950's with an all Black cast. When i first saw the audition posting on Backstage, i was thrilled because i know i can play the character that is being called for. I showed up at the audition location and immediately was dismissed by the check-in lady. I saw a lot of Equity actors being welcomed and were asked to sign-in / get a time card, so i asked her if non-equity members can audition and what the check-in process is. She said equity members are seen first and if there is time i can be seen.  She followed-up and asked me to check the breakdown to make sure i fit the roles. The first line of the breakdown is: all roles are for African Americans unless otherwise stated. I see that most of the roles were for Black actors, but on the bottom of the breakdown, it also said all racial and ethnic backgrounds are encouraged to audition. I remember that was the line in the Backstage posting that led me there. I sat in the waiting area and thought about the way she treated me differently. Tears swelled up. I felt a sense of not-belonging there and thought maybe i should go. But i told myself: stay, Judy, stay. I stayed.

I looked through the sides and quickly realized there is no stage directions for the beginning of the monologue. I remember vividly in class when there are no stage directions, we are encouraged to read the lines and figure out something for the character to do. In this monologue, Doris constantly asks her family if they wanna eat a hot dog. She is semi-drunk and talking in a high pitched voice, so automatically i knew there was at least some distance between her and her sister/friend. I gave myself the task of cooking, and i think it made all the difference. The director / writer said they thought i was funny. I didn't know if it was a good funny (impressed) or a bad funny (weirded out); but i felt i did well.

I think today's audition was a well lesson learned. I know no matter where i go--unless if the role calls for an Asian person--if i show up at an audition for something that is not of my race, i will always be seen as the other / i do not belong there. In this industry, i know this will not be the only time i'll feel this way. It's about time i let that go and not give a damn what other people think of me. I do belong.

I do belong. And i'm not gonna leave anytime soon.