Life be lifeing

Well, oh well, what do we have here? Another once a year post? YUP.

The skinny for this post is: I got an agent! I got an acting agent!!! Feels weird and surreal typing that. As someone who tried about a decade ago blindly looking for an agent, to just doing my own thing, to finally getting an agent, feels freakin’ CRAZY. Those of you who went through this process knows what I mean. Or maybe you got an agent on your first try… possibly through a friend’s referral, to which I say: woot woot! Lucky ducky!

Looking back, I know why I didn’t get an agent ten years ago (or was it more than that)? I was green, non-union, and I haven’t done any work to make me reppable—yes, that isn’t a word, but ya know. This time around, I have made a lot of my own luck/opportunities by creating my own work. All those years of work, I now have something to show for. Whether it’s Hollywood enough, I know for a fact it isn’t. But this is my starting point. This is one of the first step in accessing auditions and keep sharpening that pencil.

Speaking of sharpening the pencil, I enrolled myself in multiple Casting Director Workshops. I was itching to move forward with acting, so I signed up for my first Casting Director’s Workshop on March 1. Boy, oh boy. When I tell you I freak so hard before getting up to class to doing the scene, I’m not kidding. It’s a combination of nerves, trying to memorize the lines, and making sure I’m not acting the fool in front of the Casting Director. I felt so nervous because I felt like everyone, Casting Director included, is going to judge the shit out of me. But that wasn’t the case! Everyone was so loving and encouraging. It was my first “class” back since 2019 and I just felt so alive being in that first class. Everything seemed to be going. <3

When work wasn’t going so well, and I was sitting in a second Casting Director class mid-March, I just told myself maybe I should push myself forward even more in acting by signing up for the NYC Super Showcase, which featured 5 Talent Agents, 7 Talent Managers, 4 Commercial Agents, 3 Voiceover Agents. If you really sit to think about it, it’s like buying lottery, except, you can control your odds by prepping, playing, and praying. I possibly fumbled more times than most actors in the cohort, but when a direction was given, I was quick to jump on it and adjust. My weakest spot is definitely my nerves. I need to figure out a way to calm it down. I need to stop freaking out.

On that note, I am on my third Casting Director Workshop series—it’s a 3-part virtual class with one of the biggest Casting Directors on the planet. I, again, fumbled so hard. I keep comparing myself to others: their self-tape setup is so awesome! omg, they actually are working actors on network television!!! wow, they’re so pretty… like bro, WTF Judy, snap out of it! This is all to say: I wish I didn’t compare myself to others. That, on top of my nerves, all my lines (I accidentally typed lives—hey… that makes sense T-T;;) goes out the window. I do take notes, not only for the scene I’m doing… I also take notes on what other actors are doing. I learn so much watching everyone’s performance. I’m dusting off the acting bible, aka the Moleskine where I keep all the acting tips. Will keep it in my back-pocket and review when audition time comes. Auditions will come—hopefully soon!

In the interim, I have one last class left with this mega-big Casting Director (see previous paragraph), then I have classes with 5 more Casting Directors. I am hooked! (Okay, it sounds like I’m addicted… possibly addicted…). These classes are a way to introduce myself to Casting Directors in NYC + I treat it as an acting gym. Like Timothee Chalamet, I want to be one of the greats... Will try my absolute best to give it my all during these classes + soak up all the notes.

It took so long for me to get here + to put myself out there like this. I don’t know why it’s taken me so long. Maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s self-doubt. Heck, maybe I still have both of these gremlins sitting to the right and left of my shoulders. Every time I go up, I’m learning how to quiet it some more. The more I’m in front of these big wigs, the more it will be tamed. At least that’s the hope. :’)

Pati

Yesterday was an awesome day. Around noon, I found out I was casted in a short play called ATM directed by Heesu Chae. Around 5:30pm, I was sitting at White Rabbit Tattoo getting my second and most likely last tattoo (ha, that's what I said about the first one). But yesterday was awesome on so many levels. It was the first time in a long time where I felt I was moving towards something in this artistic career. First of all, I was in utter shock when I found out I got casted. I think it's the first time where I auditioned and was selected amongst others. I auditioned for the role on Friday evening and was so out of it during the audition, so to even be selected, wow. I remember thinking to myself in the audition room that there are people who are younger or more stylish than me who can play the free-spirited girl. Or I was thinking if I don't get this part, it'd be great audition practice for the next role. I'm usually terribly nervous during auditions, so I just told myself to have fun and don't think too much about it. And it worked! I think as actors, sometimes we get into our heads way too much and that self-deprecating talk ain't gonna help. Gonna remember to do that for every audition from now on and just have fun.

On another note, I can't believe I got another tattoo. It says pati and has a lightning bolt on it. Pati is the latin root for the words passion and patience, and it means to suffer or endure. I first heard about this word through my brother. He was watching American Idol, and a singer who was auditioning told the judges that the journey he's in in making music represents pati, which means to suffer greatly to do the things you love. After my bro finished watching that episode, he immediately showed me. He thought I would like the word/idea, and I did. I kept thinking about getting it as a tattoo, but another idea I had was just to get a thunderbolt to represent my surname/Pikachu. I thought, hey, why not get both, and I did. I still remember the pain I felt the first time I got a tattoo about 1.5 years ago, so it wasn't that bad. Now, it's just healing. -- For the past few weeks or even months, I have been working to get out of this rut I've been on since the beginning of winter. I didn't want to admit it, but I had a lot of pain--so much on my mind. Like where am I going with this acting career, and who can really understand and know what I'm going through. I guess I felt very alone in this process. I was stressing and thinking a lot. At some point, I thought of just giving up. Everybody around me was getting into grad/law school and I wanted to follow suit. But then I sat down and had to question whether what they have is really what I want. When the answer is repeatedly no, I knew I had to hone in and focus.

Although I was in pain, I knew only time can solve/heal everything. I still have a lot to grow--getting better, growing up, opening up more, sharing more of what I truly am thinking to others instead of just smiling and saying everything is good. I don't want to burden others, and I want to be a ball of happiness. So instead of hanging out with friends, I spent a lot of time alone and with my brother, who is truly my best friend. I don't know where I will be without his love and support.

I guess at the end of the day, it's so important to just take time and think through what you really want. Sometimes the answer might not be obvious, but just listen to that inner voice--never let anything else distract you. And also, work hard, work smart, and what we really want will be right in front of us. Not because it decided to show up, but because you worked so hard that what you built is now finally ready, finally here. Take charge and go. Nothing else is stopping us now.

first audition

My first audition happened when I was 17 and it was for 2g, an Asian American Theatre Company; they were casting for a series of 10 minute plays. I browsed through the cast descriptions and found a play casting a 17 year old girl. That's me, i thought! And then I read on: To submit yourself for a role, you need to send in a headshot and resume. I didn't have either. So I immediately went into the bathroom and took a selfie of myself with a WongFu t-shirt and a big ass smile with braces. I consider that as my first headshot. I printed out the headshot on printer paper, and thank god I have enough color ink! I sent the headshot and resume in, and heard back within a day with audition info. Whao, now I have a chance. The audition was held right across the street from The Public Theatre. I ran up the stairs and saw people waiting. I asked if this was the spot, and someone said yes. I took a side and sat on the floor. A girl directly across from me was prepping. And by prepping, I mean, she really got into the character. Like in it in it. It was quite scary.

They finally called my name, and I went into the room. There were two guys in the room, one man named Lloyd (the person who I was emailing with) and the reader. He was super friendly and said "Oh, you're the girl with the braces!" It was quite cool because I'll be so believable for a 17 year old. I read through the whole scene twice and then it was over. I awkwardly stumbled my way out of the room. It was pretty nerve-wrecking, but it was my first glimpse as to what the audience process involves.

In the end, I didn't get the part. I went to watch the show and saw some many talented people on the stage. I wondered what I had to do to get to their level.

After not getting the part, I found out a month later that I didn't get in the three Drama Programs I applied for. It was a real bummer for me, and I wondered if acting was right for me. I questioned myself again and again, until the thought of being an actor just faded away. I knew deep down within me there's this tiny voice telling me I want to become one -- but how?

After getting back into the craft several years later, I realized it's more about persistence than anything else. Sure, when I was 17 I was completely devastated in not getting the part. But I think that re-routed me into a different path, into a non-actors path, and then getting back on it. This first audition taught me if you have a love for something deep within you -- you'll someday run back to it. And when you get reunited with the craft and nothing changes, you will know it's love.

I do belong.

I promised myself in the beginning of this year that I will put myself out there more often for auditions, and today, i did. I went to an audition for a play called "In the Wine Time," set in the 1950's with an all Black cast. When i first saw the audition posting on Backstage, i was thrilled because i know i can play the character that is being called for. I showed up at the audition location and immediately was dismissed by the check-in lady. I saw a lot of Equity actors being welcomed and were asked to sign-in / get a time card, so i asked her if non-equity members can audition and what the check-in process is. She said equity members are seen first and if there is time i can be seen.  She followed-up and asked me to check the breakdown to make sure i fit the roles. The first line of the breakdown is: all roles are for African Americans unless otherwise stated. I see that most of the roles were for Black actors, but on the bottom of the breakdown, it also said all racial and ethnic backgrounds are encouraged to audition. I remember that was the line in the Backstage posting that led me there. I sat in the waiting area and thought about the way she treated me differently. Tears swelled up. I felt a sense of not-belonging there and thought maybe i should go. But i told myself: stay, Judy, stay. I stayed.

I looked through the sides and quickly realized there is no stage directions for the beginning of the monologue. I remember vividly in class when there are no stage directions, we are encouraged to read the lines and figure out something for the character to do. In this monologue, Doris constantly asks her family if they wanna eat a hot dog. She is semi-drunk and talking in a high pitched voice, so automatically i knew there was at least some distance between her and her sister/friend. I gave myself the task of cooking, and i think it made all the difference. The director / writer said they thought i was funny. I didn't know if it was a good funny (impressed) or a bad funny (weirded out); but i felt i did well.

I think today's audition was a well lesson learned. I know no matter where i go--unless if the role calls for an Asian person--if i show up at an audition for something that is not of my race, i will always be seen as the other / i do not belong there. In this industry, i know this will not be the only time i'll feel this way. It's about time i let that go and not give a damn what other people think of me. I do belong.

I do belong. And i'm not gonna leave anytime soon.