25

Tomorrow is my bro's birthday--Cinco de Mayo baby! In 27 days, it will be mine. Turning 26, so i guess I'm living my last year of my mid-twenties? Fuck, that is a scary thought. Over the past two months, so much shit happened. A lot of it challenged me to think about what it means to be truly happy. Or at least who I thought i was in terms of politics, identity, and self. Much of what happened cannot be mentioned, but i can honestly say i cried day into the night-time thinking about these things and the people involved. Needless to say, i grew so much. And all this within the last two months.

So I thought it'd be useful to write down a list of things i learned after being on this planet for 25 friggin years.

1) happiness doesn't exist. It's important to see the good in every situation.

2) smile. Even if you're hurting like a motherfucker, smile. You trick your mind into thinking you're happy.

3) be nice to everyone. Even the person making your coffee/waiter, the security at your building, or the cleaning lady. If you're not nice to these people, then you a horrible person.

4) talk to your family. Yes, everyone including parents will be social media/phone addicts, but make sure you call or have some face time with them. If they ignore you, then grab their phones and toss it into a toilet bowl.

5) be open-minded. Maybe someone is different from who you are and where you came from, but that doesnt mean y'all can't be friends.

6) try everything. Food, that is. Hahaha, jk, try everything once. And by everything, i mean everything. You'll be smart enough to never do something you dont like again.

7) find something you love to do and get so good at it that even you say "damn!"

8) don't try to impress everyone. Just impress yourself.

9) success is however you define it. Everybody is doing the best they can in whatever they do; if you're not already doing this, it means you're not doing something you love.

10) be ambitious as fuck. Seriously mediocrity is so overrated. Be the best you can be.

11) dream like there's no tomorrow. You wanna be the top of your company or be your own boss? Make that shit happen.

12) it takes time. Nothing happens overnight. Be patient.

13) enjoy the journey. Things don't happen instantly, you make it happen.

14) set goals. Keep yourself accountable please.

15) fuck up, but know it's ok and just keep going.

16) keep fuckin going. There will be thousands of people, or your group of close friends who tell you it'd be impossible. Do it anyway.

17) never let anyone or anything hold you back. Not even your close ones.

18) people come and go, and it is ok. Other people will come along.

19) everyone you meet will teach you something about yourself.

20) do something that makes you happy everyday.

21) be present. As much as you'd like to plan for the future, be present.

22) dont take life too seriously. 23) just have fun! Laugh about mistakes. Loved someone who wasn't worth your time? Laugh about it! You're not losing out. They're losing out. When you find someone you like, have lots of fun with them.

24) don't think. Do everything without hesitation! Yolo.

25) be passionate as fuck about everything that matters. Pati baby!

And I'm still keeping up with this list, so yeah, i'm living. Long live errrrbody! ;)

Keep fighting

Today was an amazing day. Finished the short film we've been working on since the summer, and boy, that was an amazing fuckin' experience. Been through thick and thin with this project, and I'm so glad we finished the shooting part. Now the fun part begins--sound & editing. Can't wait for it to come together.

But first, on the experience. Met with the director a few times, rewrote the piece for a gazillion times over the past few months since May.. and still, there needs to be a final touch. Still trying to figure it out. And that's the fun part. The imagination, the point where can translate something we have in our minds into something on screen, and I think that's amazing. I didn't really know what it takes to make something like this, but this experience definitely taught me patience, and the fact that I still have a lot to learn.

Compared to everybody else that's in it right now, I'm still a young and hungry cat looking to see what's out there. I'm constantly searching, maybe soul-searching, to see what's the right fit. Sometimes I think to myself whether what I'm doing now is going to be worth it, but then again, I'm like fuck it, don't think, just do.

A part of me is still stuck between the community vs art route because the community gave me perspective, and I want to be a part of it. I spend a lot of my time thinking about these things because I try to latch on to something of value, and in the end, I don't think I've gained anything. It's terrible and sometimes it eats me up. I always question whether or not the community will be there in the end. I have a deep fear that the answer might not be what I want to hear.

But like my friend said, only you can take you far; only you know what you want most. I didn't even have words to respond to that in the morning. I was just processing his words, like damn, that motherfucker is right. (Excuse the language, been rererereading THE MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE HAT).

Out of all this, I asked myself throughout the day, what makes me come alive, and guess what? The crazy answer, to do art, to tell stories, and to act. Fuckin' crazy I tell ya, but if that's my short answer, that should be something I need to do for myself. Like right now. So I signed my ass up for an acting class in January. I can't fuckin' wait.

What are you most afraid of? What are you doing to conquer that fear?

Patience

For the past week or so, a lot of thoughts swam through my mind. I became hyperconscious of these thoughts, and most of them are somewhere along the lines of: have I done enough? Am I doing anything? Or what have I done? In other words, I keep stressing about how far I still need to go, rather than how far I've come. For me, it's easy to compare myself to x, y, and z. I think it's a natural thing for me to do... maybe because I used to be an overly competitive person. Over the college years, that sense of competitiveness died out because I was more focused on learning rather than numbers. At some point, I loathe people who worry about that GPA. I very much felt relaxed and enjoyed learning much more.

I don't know why that sense of needing to be at the finish line is resurfacing these days. I guess it's because of uncertainty? Other than that, it's just about sitting back, and enjoying the ride. Maybe it's not about the end product, and much more about the process. Maybe our sense of reaching success (however you define it) can overpower your sense of doing work. How can one let go of that sense of wanting to get there? I'm still trying to figure it out. I guess that's only human?

Sometimes letting go is the easiest thing to do, but often forgotten.

And I guess someone in class said something that really spark this thought process, and it goes:

older dude to a younger dude: how old are you kid? YD: it doesn't matter. OD: well, I've been in the game longer than you. You've got years ahead of you.

It's about the process. It's about patience. Do the work, sit back, and enjoy the bumpy ride. If you can't handle turbulence, get off the ride, and take another train.

That is life. I'm still learning.