Lucky Gal

Another four months in with another update. That’s how life feels at the moment. Everyday feels the same. Well, not for the past two months. Everyday for the past two months felt like swimming against a huge current that only lets you take a moment/breath when your head is a little bit above water. Otherwise, gotta keep swimming. My brain never turned off because I dreamt about my work even as I was snoring my tails off.

I casually posted about this on Instagram in September 2018, and that is, I’m back at AALDEF—the Asian American Legal Defense and Education Fund. Feels so surreal to be back working on voting rights. Unexpected if you may. It might be fate/perfect timing, as I was fired (for the very first time in my life) from my babysitting gig early September 2018. I was on the hunt for a new job and my only hope was going back to restaurant-work to balance acting. I got a random call one day from Jerry at AALDEF, and I immediately said yes! So I’ve been back ever since. It’s a contracted gig, so whenever funding runs out, I’m gone. I always feel a sense of pressure that I’ll get cut any minute now. It’s a type of weird anxiety, and maybe I should just calm down until they tell me it’s time to go. Trying to work on that now.

My main job centers around the AALDEF exit polls. We conduct the largest AAPI exit poll in the US, this year in 13 states and Washington D.C. It all started in 1988 because mainstream exit polls left us out, or we’re counted as “other.” So this project was created to count us in. I did notice that this year’s NBC exit polls had Asians on there—gasp! We’re at a mere 4% of their total count. I think because our exit poll is so specific to AAPIs, most of whom are bilingual or limited English proficient, we have bilingual folks conducting the survey, so AAPI folks who don’t really speak the language, can at least feel comfortable taking the survey. We are proactive and have some kickass volunteers run after uncles/aunties to fill out the survey. Having been with this project since 2010 in many different capacities, I can confidently say most of our survey responders are older AAPIs, ages 40+. Those who are in their 20s or 30s are always either super enthusiastic and love what we’re doing + fill out the survey on their own, or, are too much in a rush to even look us in the eye to say no. At least in the Chinatown/SoHo area.

I feel extremely proud of what we’ve accomplished this year. Normally, we’d have at least 3-4 in-house interns to help with the project. But this year, because of COVID-19, we did not feel safe to have interns at the office. This means, all the physical and mental labor fell on me this year. I was lucky enough to have staff at AALDEF help me here and there to make the exit poll boxes. But in the end, we ended up going to a lot more poll sites than expected, and everything came crashing down in the last 1.5 weeks leading up to Election Day. Overwhelmed, tired, thirsty, hungry, I’m gonna pass out, am I gonna make it out, will I sleep over tonight, was amongst the feelings I felt. Everyday felt like an uphill battle. Going out to pick up lunch felt like I was taking minutes away from the actual work I could have been doing. I’d be taking a bite and doing work at the same time. Does that count as being a great multi-tasker? All in all, the boxes were shipped, volunteers received their assignments, and we tried our very, very best to communicate all that’s needed to be said. We did. With all the unforeseen circumstances, we made it through. Could it have been better? Hell yeah. But hindsight is 2020. ;)

After the elections, we had to wait to get surveys back from all the states + clean up the surveys: take out all the non-AAPI surveys, make sure all bubbles were filled in correctly, and that all of it, by poll site, is scanned. We have an amazing remote data-scientist in a far away, non-US place (secret!) analyzing it all (hi Nancy! :D). Just finished scanning it all last week. Now everything is quiet, which I’m happy about. I finally have time to breathe and think.

Over the last week + weekend, I reflected a lot: about where I am now, where I want to go. Will I keep working at AALDEF/nonprofits? Move on to something else? Finish the film? Move to LA? Should I go to law school?!?! As my mind spiraled, I cried at the dinner table with my mom present and lied about having something in my eye. Then, I fell asleep. When I woke up, I took 10 LSAT questions just for the heck of it, and it did NOT go well. Oh, the horror!!!!! It’s the world’s way in telling me I should stay in the creative field. Sometimes our minds know something we don’t realize yet.

Before Election Day, my colleague, Shirley, and I were invited to be on the Lucky Boys Podcast. I don’t know what it is, but i felt at home being there/talking to them (Will & Norm). It was one of the best podcast experience I’ve been on, and I hope y’all enjoy the episode. Below are the different parts to it via YouTube. I believe they’re also on Spotify if you wanna listen to it. We talk about AAPI voting problems, systemic structures that lead to voting barriers, my neighbors’ + neighborhoods’ obsession over Trump, why the Census matters, getting into acting/the hustle, falling out with my mom after doing the solo show, and how to spot fake people in Hollywood. I promise some of these titles are clickbait, but hey, it gets you hooked. Enjoy~ :)

President Trump Supporters Are Die Hard
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_U7E-vAUFh0

The Problem For Asian Voters
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRsiN82rDLM

Why Young Asian Americans Are Coming Out To Vote Like Never Before
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyDJbFr9N94

Why The Census Make Sense
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bi-ldG_G-r8

Why Are Asians Invisible In Covid Cases And Public Health Response
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6gs3U3AOdQ

Why America Is Still GREAT...For Now
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBfjYwUbesI

Rebelling Against Your Tiger Mom
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sic2fENX3KI

How I Got MC Jin To Work On My Film Project (Correction: SOLO SHOW)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fSgmhIFogU

Asian Hollywood Full Of Fakes
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEQSzrSMyhk

Re-entering.

It has been a while since I've last updated my Youtube channel.  I stopped during the summer months because the festival work began to pick up; and since balancing work was already hard enough, doing things i love/can work on fell by the wayside.  I felt guilty for leaving the channel for a bit--granted I don't have too many subscribers, but still .. i felt like i was doing myself an injustice by not working on the craft. To be honest, I started the Youtube channel as a way to document my journey through acting--sort of like what I'm doing here.  I felt troubled when asked to do monologues, knowing i had none to offer.  But i found a few pieces that i really like.. that i really connected with and started memorizing from there.  It was hard, but overtime, each and every monologue felt more comfortable.  Some were a bit harder (i must admit).  I left monologues/Youtube for a hiatus, a hibernation of sorts.  I didn't have time a few months ago, but now I do.   And now I'm back.

I struggled to find a direction to the channel.  What should i do?  I'm no fashion or beauty/make-up guru.  I've always thought about teaching Cantonese (for about a year now), so I jumped right in.  I made my first video and then another, and then another.  I think by making the videos, I'm getting more comfortable in front of the camera, which is something I struggle with and want to fix.  Afterall, I want to get into film and television work.  I have to get over it.  It's not an option.

At times, I still doubt whether anyone will like or notice the channel.  I always film with this uncertainty, and my brother called me out for it.  Sometimes harshly.  Although I get pretty antsy every time I say hello, I just need to tell myself to let go.  In class, we talk about letting go a lot.  It's the same type of feeling -- just a different medium.  I see it as a way of practice.  They say practice makes perfect.  So hopefully, I'll be able to hone the craft overtime.

It takes work, it takes time.  I just need to be more patient.

Not gonna give up!

Lately, I have been feeling a bit stressed. At times, I wondered if I had made the right decision to become an artist amd organizer. It feels like a constant struggle because I have a lack of knowledge within the field of acting & I don't have a mentor and it is hard navigating this path on my own; and working at a nonprofit with limited  resources can be exhausting.  I only wish I can find answers to my long list of questions, and sometimes the only person I can turn to is myself. It's hard. On the surface, it seems so easy. But in reality, I feel like I have to put in 10x the effort to produce work, and not get anything in return. I never asked for anything in return, because I chose this path on my own. My mom doesn't know what I'm doing, or she is playing dumb... but sometimes I wish I can just tell her what my dreams are: to create a kickass experience at the film festival for the staff, audience, filmmakers, and volunteers and to become the best actor I can be. I'm just starting out in this long, hard journey--and it is just gonna get tougher. There is a lot of pressure I give myself, and I know I should let it go before I burn out. This kind of pressure pushes me to the edge sometimes, but I keep telling myself that it is all gonna be worth it once it is over. Maybe when more staff comes on board, or when I find a mentor, it'd be easier. But for now, I just go to the gym and run miles to relieve the stress. (Hopefully, I won't develop monster calves :P).