LA and Beyond

This is crazy and belated, but I did it. I done did it. 

The LA show went down almost two months ago. It feels so surreal that it's over now. Months, weeks, or even days before the show, I was freaking out. How many people will come? What if people don't come? What if I forget the story? The day before the show, I wrote out thank you notes to folks.. up to the point my fingers started cramping. I was so anxious. I pooped so much before the show (ok, tmi).. I also reminded myself to relax the moment I stepped out on stage and that everything will be okay.

Everything was okay. There was a sizable crowd, and everyone was so supportive. I worried that jokes wouldn't land on the LA crowd, but it did (told myself not to worry about if things are "supposed to be" funny--just tell the damn story). In short, I am so relieved.

In October 2016, that little thought of bringing the show to Los Angeles was just a thought--a dream if you may. Then I decided to pursue that thought and see if it can become a reality. It costs a lot to get the theatre, but I was like fuck it! Life is too short to not do the things we wanna do, and so, I booked the space. The most difficult part is really spreading the word, and I'm so grateful CAPE (Coalition of Asian Pacifics for Entertainment), Kollaboration LA, and Project by Project LA supported the show by telling their networks about it. Everyone was so so supportive, and it made the whole LA show what it was--it felt like the whole entire community had my back.

Special thanks to Grace for letting me crash and helping me to get set pieces and loading, Karin for taking beautiful black and white photos, and Cindy, Amy, and Malina for capturing color photos. Sabrina for coming all the way from Oakland, and all the people who came out to the show. It meant the world to share the story with you. 

And now, I'm back to NYC. Back to reality. And everything is back to normal: classes (Improv 301! And Film & TV at The Barrow Group), hustle for AAIFF, work at Nom Wah, and writing--been outlining two feature films--and experiencing writer's block, ha! I'm getting over this hump where I have to sit down and write everything that's been on my mind with these two stories. I know the ending to both, it's just the journey (emotional) in between that is hard to write. I'll figure it out soon enough. Setting a deadline for the end of this month. Yes, always have deadlines. Otherwise, a dream is just a dream. Do.

I've also been reading Taraji P. Henson's memoir. I saw a video of her circulating on Facebook talking, where she gave a speech on what it means to ignore naysayers and keep on with keeping on. It inspired me so much that I picked up her book. This morning, I balled my eyes out when she talked about where she's from, her family, and her love life. I related so much to everything and got so emotional. She has this fire and sass, and unapologetic energy about her that no one can take away. She's a strong ass woman, and I'm working now to get as tough as her.

On my way home, I read the part where she talked about moving to Hollywood with no money and had to beg just to find a place to live. That shit is too real and inspiring. I have dreams of moving to Los Angeles (I told the head chef at Nom Wah last week and shit came out of my mouth), but I need some seed money and some brush-up on driving lessons. It'd probably take me two years to save up enough just to get a used car and rent for a few months. I never thought I would've said this, because let's be real, I don't even like LA that much. But like Taraji's father said, "why are you just living? Why aren't you going to LA where all the jobs are?" Her father's words is exactly what I don't wanna hear but need to hear.

Part of me wanna take it slow--one step at a time. But Taraji did it with no real acting credits, no agent in LA, no car, and no place to live, AND with a baby on her hip. If she can do it, I believe I can. I gotta stop making excuses. I have to be more daring.

I'm going through the mo right now, a rough patch if you will, but I promise I will look back one day and say I gave it my all. You have to, because otherwise, why start? 

Crazy spilling this out man. Time for beeeeed. Good night world.

Tomorrow is a new day. And.. the hustle continues! 

Be Stubborn As Fuck

No seriously. It's been a month and more after the solo show ended, and I have to admit I went on an emotional whirlwind after the show ended--for many many reasons. Mainly, it was because of my mom. She came and saw the show, but because someone in the family made a comment about how hard the path will be, she told me to just do it as a hobby. I told her no, and shit just went ham. I swear I broke down for the very first time in front of her.

For four years, I went ahead and did whatever I wanted and ignored her comments, but I knew I had to stand up for myself. I had to let her know that this is what I really really want to do, and no 9-to-5 will ever be comparable to what this path is. It means so much to me and when I explain it, she doesn't understand. There's no tangible thing she is seeing. It took me a while to decompress and see that she will never understand because of her upbringing. But I have hope one day she'll come around.

I've been super down this past month, but slowly pulling myself up again. It's been a process.

The latest update is that I started working at Nom Wah Tea Parlour on weekends. When my mom found out, she went ham. I guess this is my way of telling her this IS what I wanna do. I'd rather work somewhere where it gives me freedom and clarity to keep chasing that dream. I really enjoy working with my co-workers and they are all so kind to me. I guess this is what will keep me afloat for now.

Creative-wise, I've been producing and writing. Producing a film for a good friend and just have been writing. Writing comes and goes. My goal is to have one good point a day until I can piece together a good story--before I outline, before I start writing. Gotta get clear on what I wanna tell, and why I wanna tell, before I tell. That's been increasingly more important than coming up with a random cool scene. Maybe when i write more, it'd all come full circle?

 I also signed up for Scene Study III for the next six months. Gotta put in work to master the craft. Like Ash Ketchum said, "I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was..." HAHAHA... I digress.  

I guess I'm writing this entry because I feel like i overcame this hump, and it feels fuckin amazing. It hurts, but after this battle, i gained a lot of clarity. Almost like I stood up for the very first time and admitted openly that this is the journey i want to go on for the rest of my life. It's scary. It creates a lot of anxiety. But I'd rather stick it out for a decade than to do something I'm only half-assing--you know?

And I swear this journey and path is not for the emotionally weak. You gotta keep standing up, showing up, or else you'll get knocked. And it's easy to get knocked if you don't have people surrounding you going on this journey together. So you gotta find people going through this shit. Hopefully you guys will stick it out together.

Cuz you gotta be stubborn to survive. Or like kids these days say, you gotta be stubborn as fuck, be present and keep fighting.

Be stubborn as fuck and keep going. Nothing else matters.

Keep going. 

Letting go

I have been thinking about writing this post for a while now, so I told myself to write it before I forget it. Shorty, but a goodie. The topic is about letting go.

Letting go is something so easy in concept, but to do that in real life, it's hard--very hard. No matter if it's a job or a friend whom you were once close to - now, now you have to wake up and realize what you had is over.

Sometimes I will recall what once was and wonder what could have been. I'll read articles and ask friends for advice. I tried so hard to get myself out of that rut / hole.. taking in distractions whenever I can, but then thoughts will creep in, and the cycle will repeat itself again. Why is it so hard to let go of something that never belong to you in the first place? Why bother?

And so I thought about it over and over again, and came to a conclusion that it's hard because we once cared so deeply, and to realize it's all for nothing, it can be a little disheartening. But I learned a very important lesson: always take chances--what's the worst that can happen? Even if you fall flat on your face, it's only gonna hurt for a little bit, and then you heal and realize you learned something. Sometimes, that's all that matters.

Enjoy the ride, people!