LA and Beyond

This is crazy and belated, but I did it. I done did it. 

The LA show went down almost two months ago. It feels so surreal that it's over now. Months, weeks, or even days before the show, I was freaking out. How many people will come? What if people don't come? What if I forget the story? The day before the show, I wrote out thank you notes to folks.. up to the point my fingers started cramping. I was so anxious. I pooped so much before the show (ok, tmi).. I also reminded myself to relax the moment I stepped out on stage and that everything will be okay.

Everything was okay. There was a sizable crowd, and everyone was so supportive. I worried that jokes wouldn't land on the LA crowd, but it did (told myself not to worry about if things are "supposed to be" funny--just tell the damn story). In short, I am so relieved.

In October 2016, that little thought of bringing the show to Los Angeles was just a thought--a dream if you may. Then I decided to pursue that thought and see if it can become a reality. It costs a lot to get the theatre, but I was like fuck it! Life is too short to not do the things we wanna do, and so, I booked the space. The most difficult part is really spreading the word, and I'm so grateful CAPE (Coalition of Asian Pacifics for Entertainment), Kollaboration LA, and Project by Project LA supported the show by telling their networks about it. Everyone was so so supportive, and it made the whole LA show what it was--it felt like the whole entire community had my back.

Special thanks to Grace for letting me crash and helping me to get set pieces and loading, Karin for taking beautiful black and white photos, and Cindy, Amy, and Malina for capturing color photos. Sabrina for coming all the way from Oakland, and all the people who came out to the show. It meant the world to share the story with you. 

And now, I'm back to NYC. Back to reality. And everything is back to normal: classes (Improv 301! And Film & TV at The Barrow Group), hustle for AAIFF, work at Nom Wah, and writing--been outlining two feature films--and experiencing writer's block, ha! I'm getting over this hump where I have to sit down and write everything that's been on my mind with these two stories. I know the ending to both, it's just the journey (emotional) in between that is hard to write. I'll figure it out soon enough. Setting a deadline for the end of this month. Yes, always have deadlines. Otherwise, a dream is just a dream. Do.

I've also been reading Taraji P. Henson's memoir. I saw a video of her circulating on Facebook talking, where she gave a speech on what it means to ignore naysayers and keep on with keeping on. It inspired me so much that I picked up her book. This morning, I balled my eyes out when she talked about where she's from, her family, and her love life. I related so much to everything and got so emotional. She has this fire and sass, and unapologetic energy about her that no one can take away. She's a strong ass woman, and I'm working now to get as tough as her.

On my way home, I read the part where she talked about moving to Hollywood with no money and had to beg just to find a place to live. That shit is too real and inspiring. I have dreams of moving to Los Angeles (I told the head chef at Nom Wah last week and shit came out of my mouth), but I need some seed money and some brush-up on driving lessons. It'd probably take me two years to save up enough just to get a used car and rent for a few months. I never thought I would've said this, because let's be real, I don't even like LA that much. But like Taraji's father said, "why are you just living? Why aren't you going to LA where all the jobs are?" Her father's words is exactly what I don't wanna hear but need to hear.

Part of me wanna take it slow--one step at a time. But Taraji did it with no real acting credits, no agent in LA, no car, and no place to live, AND with a baby on her hip. If she can do it, I believe I can. I gotta stop making excuses. I have to be more daring.

I'm going through the mo right now, a rough patch if you will, but I promise I will look back one day and say I gave it my all. You have to, because otherwise, why start? 

Crazy spilling this out man. Time for beeeeed. Good night world.

Tomorrow is a new day. And.. the hustle continues! 

So long 2016

2016 was one of the best and most painful year of my life.

It was the first year in my artistic career that I finally decided to do something about my dreams and put on a solo show, a story I've been writing for the past 2.5 years. It was the first time I experienced pain as an artist, where I was confronted with what it means to be an artist: making art isn't about just making art--it's a business, you have to be an adult and make a living if you want to be an artist. With the show, there was a lot of pleasure but also a lot, a lot of pain and loneliness. And to sum up what I've learned: being an artist means you can pursue your dreams that fulfills you on the inside; but being an adult also means you need to survive and make money to keep the dream alive.

There have been thoughts surrounding what it means to be an artist and be a grown up in the past, but it came to me face-to-face this year because I had to put on a solo show using my most of my savings through working at AALDEF, then spending the next three to four months crossing fingers hoping people will buy tickets and show up. In the end, people did. My gut feeling didn't lie to me.

In the beginning though, it was a sad and lonely journey. I found MC Jin (found = stalk) my director towards the end of January and started heavily rehearsing in front of my refrigerator. In February, I told my brother I'm putting on previews in early May and he told me I shouldn't do it. Why waste money on something that you don't know for sure would make you the money back? I did it anyway. Friends showed up, I got feedback (some great, some hurtful--but the hurtful ones made me reflect and think the most, and helped me during the rewriting process). I spent the next three months revising because I wanted to put on a few more shows for more people to come. In August, I did, and all the shows were sold out. This whole putting up the show was extremely stressful. If you easily crack under stress, which I was a lot of times, it will kill you (if not physically, then mentally). In the end, I learned that you have to believe in your project so much; and most importantly, believe in yourself so much that it fuels you to keep moving forward during the dark times.
The show also put a strain between my relationship with my mom. She came to the show, despite not being able to understand any of the show. A few days later towards the end of August, she asked me if this is something I'd like to do for the rest of my life, and when I answered yes, she told me to find a real 9-to-5. Why go on such a hard road and waste time and money? It was the first time I felt so much pain for pursuing something I greatly believed in, and it was also the first time I fought back. It was painful. It was so painful. But I can't imagine myself doing anything else, and so I will keep going. She can't stop me. No one can. Only I can stop myself. And I won't. I'm bringing the show to Los Angeles: heyjudylei.com/soloshowtour/losangeles in April (04.23.2017 to be exact). And P.S. long story short, I canceled the show in London. This opportunity did allow me to finally have the guts to travel on my own and to two places I've always dreamt of going to: London and Paris!!!)

2016 was the year I finally caved in to the typical actor stereotype of working at a restaurant. I work at Nom Wah Tea Parlor and it drives me insane being on my feet for so long and having to work with so many different personalities. The beauty of it all is the hustle. The nonstop hustle. It makes me feel alive and that's why I like it--even though I cry so hard sometimes in the bathroom or break room. But like my boss said, "you know what else is tough? Life is tough, so keep going." Seriously, keep going.

2016--looking back at all the pictures, a lot of great things happened, in which I accomplished everything I set out to do and more; but for some reason, I realized I spent the entire year being unhappy or indifferent (more like refusing to acknowledge all the good things that are happening and finally admitting how sad I am deep inside--thanks to Chris Gethard's solo show).

For 2017, I would like to practice being grateful and also acknowledge what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling the way I do. I also have a whole list of resolutions I've written down on my planner: worry less, kick ass during LA solo show, write another solo show, rewrite feature film / shoot feature film, be in more film projects, work out once a week, have treat-yoself time once a month, drink more water (I always fuck up on the last one :x).

I have a feeling I'll hit all of these goals in the upcoming year, so let's keep on keeping on, shall we? :-)

Letting go

I have been thinking about writing this post for a while now, so I told myself to write it before I forget it. Shorty, but a goodie. The topic is about letting go.

Letting go is something so easy in concept, but to do that in real life, it's hard--very hard. No matter if it's a job or a friend whom you were once close to - now, now you have to wake up and realize what you had is over.

Sometimes I will recall what once was and wonder what could have been. I'll read articles and ask friends for advice. I tried so hard to get myself out of that rut / hole.. taking in distractions whenever I can, but then thoughts will creep in, and the cycle will repeat itself again. Why is it so hard to let go of something that never belong to you in the first place? Why bother?

And so I thought about it over and over again, and came to a conclusion that it's hard because we once cared so deeply, and to realize it's all for nothing, it can be a little disheartening. But I learned a very important lesson: always take chances--what's the worst that can happen? Even if you fall flat on your face, it's only gonna hurt for a little bit, and then you heal and realize you learned something. Sometimes, that's all that matters.

Enjoy the ride, people!

Letter to my mother

About two nights ago (Thursday night), I fell asleep on the couch while typing up an email.  My mom nudged and asked if I was interested in going to a family gathering on Saturday, March 23, and in my sleepy state, I said "sure."  I went back to my nap.  Then she asked what I'm doing on Saturday, March 30, and I told her I have to perform in a show.  SHIT!  I immediately woke up.  She asked me, "What show?"  "A comedy show," I answered.  *Awkward silence.  "Are you a side character?" she asked.  "Not really," I answered.  *Awkward silence.  The conversation ended.  She went to bed. The next morning, I woke up morning with an urge to give her the low-down.  Yes, last night was a complete fuck-up freudian slip, but I think it's god's way of telling me that it's time to let it all out.  Just tell her, goddamnit!  So I went around the room looking for paper to write on.  All I found were bank slips (my mom takes bank slips and leave us notes every morning), and I didn't wanna write on 'em because it wasn't formal.  I want this to be a very formal/serious thing.  So I found a pack of cards with puppies on 'em.  My mom hates cats/dogs, but I don't have anything else, so I used it.

I haven't written Chinese in a long time too; it felt weird writing it again.  I fucked up so bad in my first sentence.  I wrote two characters wrong, and I used an expired White-Out tape that made it all messy.  I had to make it look neat, and serious.  So I started over and made sure I google-translated all the characters I'm looking for.  In the end, I poured my heart out on paper--for the first time.  It felt weird.  It felt weird telling my mother on paper what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.  Why didn't I just tell her, I thought.  But that will only end up in arguments.  So yeah, writing a letter definitely made it easier.  I quickly dropped off the letter while she was working and sped off.  I can't let her read it in front of me. I don't want to see her reaction.

For those who cannot read Chinese, here's what it says:

Mom, 

It's been six months since I've been in school--can't believe how time flies.  Are you wondering what I'm studying?  Actually, I really want to tell you what I'm studying, but I don't know if you will understand me ... or you might even disagree with my decision.  I'm scared.  I'm scared you will stop me from doing this.  But I really want you to know because I respect you.  You and Ken are my main motivations in life, and I want you to bless me on this journey.

Acting and writing is my dream.  I hope you will allow me to be persistent about this career choice.  Maybe you will disagree with my decision, but I'm very serious about this.  I won't give up!  I hope you will support me.

-Judy

She finally called me while I was in class and left a message.  She told me there were many typos... and that I was short; there's a lot of pretty people; and how the entertainment industry is very complicated; this career choice is very impractical, and that I should concentrate on a professional field that can make a steady paycheck.  She could have went ape-shit, but she just got real and straight-up told me how she felt.  She thought I was gonna pursue politics or the path of becoming a lawyer (this was all my practical ambitions before I decided that politics might not be my thing).  She told me her hopes and dreams were gone.  I felt so awkward hearing that.    I don't know how to tell her what it was like working in politics, and what it is like pursuing something I enjoy doing now.  I understand her concerns; I really do, because these are the things I think about every single day.

The stubborn part of me want to go on this unsafe ride, this unsafe journey.  It'd be bumpy, painful, and scary ride for sure, but I'm willing to ride it out.  I don't want to live life with any regrets, so I'm doing what I'm set out to do, and commit to it. I want to prove to her that this is something that I can accomplish before I tell her anything more.  Maybe someday I'll figure out a way to tell her.  In less typos, of course.  Just gotta find a way--but the time isn't right yet.  For now, I'm just left without words--just gotta ride it out.

For my mom: a letter you will never read

I had an emotional whirlwind while taking the train this morning. I had to write down everything i felt (did not bother hitting the backspace), and wanna say to my mom--if i had the courage... And here it goes:

It's not like i dont want to give you money, it's just that i cant at the moment. If i had a choice, i wouldnt ask you for anything.  I know you are wondering why im working at a job that has low pay, or what im actually studying; but to be honest, i dont know how to tell you. I dont know how to tell you how much i love the arts and that is where my heart is. I know making money is important, and i know i should find something more stable.

In a perfect world, you will accept my decisions. But for now, i do not have the courage to tell you anything. Do you care? If you know, will you try to stop me? That is what im most afraid of, and that is why im not sharing anything with you. 

I want to be the best daughter you imagined me to be. Right now, i cant be the stable 9-5 kind of human being. I can just be the 10-6 type of crazy artist you disagree with. I hope i can tell you one day, and you will accept me for who i am.

I wish you can be proud of me.

Blind Date?

When I got home tonight, the first thing my mom said to me was:"Judy, there is a guy that is 6'1 with a psychology degree.  Would you like to meet him?"

My first impression was HELL NAW!  And then I thought, I'm only 23--is this really happening?

And then I told my mom: "I'm interested in girls, and girls only." (to keep her from telling me about these "opportunities")

As of now, I'm not interested in dating/seeing anyone.  I'm busy, and I can't imagine being with anyone--because it will take up even more time.  I really need that extra time to sleep--like seriously.  I'm pretty content being by myself or being with my family.  Also, I feel like I have a lot of growing up to do before I want to be with anyone else; and that's the truth.  I want to love myself before I love anyone else.  So for now, I consider my career/growing up my boo.