Back to Reality

Every year I get prompted to renew my domain subscription in mid-March, which reminds me, I need to update this blog more than once or twice a year. Goal? Update once every two months.

I have been living in my head for a long time, for the past nine months if you will. Life has been challenging since returning to NYC last June. It’s been great seeing friends I haven’t seen in a while. After a month or so, I started to get antsy. People kept asking me about my experience in LA. After the initial conversation, everything faded. What else can I tell them? How I truly felt about the double writer-actor strike? How my dreams of moving to LA permanently ... disappeared? Or how unemployment was slowly taking over my conscience? I had a lot to grapple with: a tremendous amount of joy as I was a part of the most amazing opportunity ever, but coming back to NYC quickly snapped me back to reality. The job market was super tough and funemployment only lasts so long. How am I going to live … or do I want to live? (okay, that took a dark turn……).

I took time off to do a major reset. I took a step back and assessed different areas of my life: when & where was I the happiest? Who brought joy into my life? As I get older, I think deeper about friendships and who I decide to let into my life. Sometimes I wonder if I'm on the #NoNewFriends bandcamp, or if I'm on the #EveryoneIsMyFriend bandcamp. When I was younger, everyone I met was considered a friend. Now that I'm older, I'm a bit more guarded. I hate to be guarded though because it creates a lot more emotional labor. I should find a middle-ground: everyone is a friend unless they do something sus, then it's game over. 

During this interim, I made a short film with a tiny but mighty crew (5 crew members + myself + 1 other cast member). It's my second rodeo at making a film. I felt so messed up from making my first one, that making this second one… also messed me up.. just a lil less. My friend Kayla, who also happened to AD/Scripty this project, told me a few moons ago that making a short film is the same amount of effort & stress as making a feature. I did not understand what she meant until I did it.. especially since it was a signatory/union project. She was right. It really is. I just didn't make it into a feature because: a) a feature will cost 10x the budget and b) i already cleared out my savings account (don't tell my mom). I can write on and on about this project, but I will save it for another day. This means... I will *crossing fingers* update this blog more often. 

If I don't, bug me to update it more often. Thanks in advance! ;)

LA LA Land

Well, well, well, if it isn’t another one-year-later blog post. Time flies, eh?

A bit of a life update: I moved to Los Angeles in February and I’m moving back to NYC next week. For the past four months, I have been here for a gig (will write more about this later), and everyday while here, I ask myself: should i move here? If these past few months is a litmus test on whether I should or shouldn’t, my mind and wallet is telling me I shouldn’t, while my heart is telling me I should. I hate it when this happens.

While all the stars may have aligned earlier this year and I moved here within a week’s notice, I self-professed within a month that I’ll move here, permanently. I woke up telling myself that every morning. I carried on the hope that if I say it enough, it will come true. I figured I’ll be able to finish up this gig, either continue on it, or at least find a way to stay here. I can finally leave NYC behind and figure out how to break in all that is Hollywood. Then the entire town started murmuring about the Writers Guild of America strike; then, within a blink of an eye, it happened. All opportunities I imagined myself applying for quickly evaporated. I saw my dreams die, and my heart ached… hard.

During this period of agony, I also thought long and hard about the realities of making a life here. Although I have friends and a lot of acquaintances in LA, I started to think deep about the realities of us actually hanging out. Say if we do not live on the same side of town (West Side vs. East Side), will we ever see each other? If there are no big community events, like LAAPFF, will people bother to initiate a gathering? Why does every hang feel so effortful? Do people actually want to hang out with me? Seems like this town is filled with people who want to hang with other people “on their level” and it’s not as open as NYC, where people from all walks of life can co-mingle or at least are open to the possibilities of meeting new people. I find it so hard to make friends and actually trust people here. Must be the water!

Logistically, I also don’t have a car, nor have I driven in 11 years since i passed my driver’s license test, so really, I don’t want to kill anybody! I took the Metro + subway here back in 2018 and I still remember almost getting smacked by a pair of shoes because the woman who got off the bus the same time as I did was hurling it towards someone else. I was so lucky to have dodged it, but I’m hypersensitive and haven’t taken public transit since.

One thing I will do this summer when I return to NYC is that I will be taking driving lessons again to refresh my skills, so that the next time I’m back in LA, I’m ready to rent a car and hit the road. Does it mean I’ll move here eventually? MAYBE. I just know i need to have something lined up here for me to work on before I pull the plug.

In less than a week, I’m going to be back in NYC: plotting my next film + figuring out how I can make it happen. The dream is still alive and well. I need to finish writing because without this script aka blueprint, I have nothing. Time to get to work.

The night before I left, my mom said something at the dinner table, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. She says: "NYC is the best city in the world.” This time, I think she might just be right.

P.S. It’s already my birthday in NYC. ;)

So long 2016

2016 was one of the best and most painful year of my life.

It was the first year in my artistic career that I finally decided to do something about my dreams and put on a solo show, a story I've been writing for the past 2.5 years. It was the first time I experienced pain as an artist, where I was confronted with what it means to be an artist: making art isn't about just making art--it's a business, you have to be an adult and make a living if you want to be an artist. With the show, there was a lot of pleasure but also a lot, a lot of pain and loneliness. And to sum up what I've learned: being an artist means you can pursue your dreams that fulfills you on the inside; but being an adult also means you need to survive and make money to keep the dream alive.

There have been thoughts surrounding what it means to be an artist and be a grown up in the past, but it came to me face-to-face this year because I had to put on a solo show using my most of my savings through working at AALDEF, then spending the next three to four months crossing fingers hoping people will buy tickets and show up. In the end, people did. My gut feeling didn't lie to me.

In the beginning though, it was a sad and lonely journey. I found MC Jin (found = stalk) my director towards the end of January and started heavily rehearsing in front of my refrigerator. In February, I told my brother I'm putting on previews in early May and he told me I shouldn't do it. Why waste money on something that you don't know for sure would make you the money back? I did it anyway. Friends showed up, I got feedback (some great, some hurtful--but the hurtful ones made me reflect and think the most, and helped me during the rewriting process). I spent the next three months revising because I wanted to put on a few more shows for more people to come. In August, I did, and all the shows were sold out. This whole putting up the show was extremely stressful. If you easily crack under stress, which I was a lot of times, it will kill you (if not physically, then mentally). In the end, I learned that you have to believe in your project so much; and most importantly, believe in yourself so much that it fuels you to keep moving forward during the dark times.
The show also put a strain between my relationship with my mom. She came to the show, despite not being able to understand any of the show. A few days later towards the end of August, she asked me if this is something I'd like to do for the rest of my life, and when I answered yes, she told me to find a real 9-to-5. Why go on such a hard road and waste time and money? It was the first time I felt so much pain for pursuing something I greatly believed in, and it was also the first time I fought back. It was painful. It was so painful. But I can't imagine myself doing anything else, and so I will keep going. She can't stop me. No one can. Only I can stop myself. And I won't. I'm bringing the show to Los Angeles: heyjudylei.com/soloshowtour/losangeles in April (04.23.2017 to be exact). And P.S. long story short, I canceled the show in London. This opportunity did allow me to finally have the guts to travel on my own and to two places I've always dreamt of going to: London and Paris!!!)

2016 was the year I finally caved in to the typical actor stereotype of working at a restaurant. I work at Nom Wah Tea Parlor and it drives me insane being on my feet for so long and having to work with so many different personalities. The beauty of it all is the hustle. The nonstop hustle. It makes me feel alive and that's why I like it--even though I cry so hard sometimes in the bathroom or break room. But like my boss said, "you know what else is tough? Life is tough, so keep going." Seriously, keep going.

2016--looking back at all the pictures, a lot of great things happened, in which I accomplished everything I set out to do and more; but for some reason, I realized I spent the entire year being unhappy or indifferent (more like refusing to acknowledge all the good things that are happening and finally admitting how sad I am deep inside--thanks to Chris Gethard's solo show).

For 2017, I would like to practice being grateful and also acknowledge what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling the way I do. I also have a whole list of resolutions I've written down on my planner: worry less, kick ass during LA solo show, write another solo show, rewrite feature film / shoot feature film, be in more film projects, work out once a week, have treat-yoself time once a month, drink more water (I always fuck up on the last one :x).

I have a feeling I'll hit all of these goals in the upcoming year, so let's keep on keeping on, shall we? :-)

26 Things I Learned from Being 26

I turn 27 today. First year into my late-twenties. Dang. I met up with a few friends today and asked them what advice they would give to a 27 year old. One said 27 is the year of many adult changes. Another said 27 might be the year of heartbreak. Another said when she was 27, she moved to Asia a bit to do a bit of soul searching. Is 27 the golden year of transition? The tipping point where all the things we've learned in our early-to-mid twenties come to a full swing? These are the questions left to be answered. I'll blog more "growing up while 27" throughout the year to keep progress in check.

For now, I want to reflect on all things I learned from being 26. It might be a repeat of things I've written last year. Apologies in advance -- I have a short-term memory. :P

Here we go:

26 things I learned from being 26

1) You never get what you don't ask for. Ask for it.

2) Be bold. Take chances. Fall flat on your face. At least you know you tried.

3) Figure out what it is that you want, and never stop until you get it.

4) Work hard. Put in work everyday. Never make excuses.

5) Treat the janitor / housekeeper the same way you treat the CEO.

6) Know your worth. Sit down and access your strengths and weaknesses, and see what you're worth and what you can work on. Then work on what you need to work on, so that becomes one of your strengths.

7) Speak/Stand up for yourself. If someone is treating you unfairly, speak up. Sometimes they might not intentionally be treating you that way, so be ready to speak up. It's not confrontational until you put that attitude in. You can lose your shit at the moment, but be adult and talk it out.

8) Other people can talk shit. How you react reveals much more about your character.

9) Addictions, no matter good or bad, can only last so long until you realize what it is you are trying to run away from is coming to bite your ass.

10) Always take care of shit. Stop procrastinating.

11) Stop doing things out of obligation. It's okay to say no. (Read: The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a FUCK).

12) Family always comes first.

13) You do not have to see/talk to someone everyday to be friends with that person.

14) Friendship is a two way street. Be willing to meet someone halfway. If they can't meet you there, then it's not worth it.

15) Relationships come and go (this includes friendship). Those who are meant to stay, will.

16) Never bend your back for someone who will not give you a bit of their time.

17) Never let someone stay in your life longer than they should. Know when to end things.

18) After you end things, don't go snooping around their social media. Let go.

19) Love doesn't exist. Friendship and kindness does.

20) There is a difference between lust and love. That's the first thing taught at my high school before we delved into Romeo and Juliet. Lust is who you think about when you're feeling itchy down there. Love is who you think about when you're experiencing something amazing and you wish that other person is there to share that moment with you.

21) Having stuff (material goods) won't make you a happier person. Having knowledge or experiences are far more valuable.

22) Start figuring out your political compass. Do not vote for Trump.

23) Sometimes personal stories are far more powerful than numbers. Don't only believe in numbers. Qualitative over quantitative, especially when it comes to politics.

24) Read. Everyday. Shower / brush AND floss your teeth everyday.

25) Do something that scares you everyday.

26) Figure out what makes you itch, and scratch it everyday.