Letter to my mother

About two nights ago (Thursday night), I fell asleep on the couch while typing up an email.  My mom nudged and asked if I was interested in going to a family gathering on Saturday, March 23, and in my sleepy state, I said "sure."  I went back to my nap.  Then she asked what I'm doing on Saturday, March 30, and I told her I have to perform in a show.  SHIT!  I immediately woke up.  She asked me, "What show?"  "A comedy show," I answered.  *Awkward silence.  "Are you a side character?" she asked.  "Not really," I answered.  *Awkward silence.  The conversation ended.  She went to bed. The next morning, I woke up morning with an urge to give her the low-down.  Yes, last night was a complete fuck-up freudian slip, but I think it's god's way of telling me that it's time to let it all out.  Just tell her, goddamnit!  So I went around the room looking for paper to write on.  All I found were bank slips (my mom takes bank slips and leave us notes every morning), and I didn't wanna write on 'em because it wasn't formal.  I want this to be a very formal/serious thing.  So I found a pack of cards with puppies on 'em.  My mom hates cats/dogs, but I don't have anything else, so I used it.

I haven't written Chinese in a long time too; it felt weird writing it again.  I fucked up so bad in my first sentence.  I wrote two characters wrong, and I used an expired White-Out tape that made it all messy.  I had to make it look neat, and serious.  So I started over and made sure I google-translated all the characters I'm looking for.  In the end, I poured my heart out on paper--for the first time.  It felt weird.  It felt weird telling my mother on paper what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.  Why didn't I just tell her, I thought.  But that will only end up in arguments.  So yeah, writing a letter definitely made it easier.  I quickly dropped off the letter while she was working and sped off.  I can't let her read it in front of me. I don't want to see her reaction.

For those who cannot read Chinese, here's what it says:

Mom, 

It's been six months since I've been in school--can't believe how time flies.  Are you wondering what I'm studying?  Actually, I really want to tell you what I'm studying, but I don't know if you will understand me ... or you might even disagree with my decision.  I'm scared.  I'm scared you will stop me from doing this.  But I really want you to know because I respect you.  You and Ken are my main motivations in life, and I want you to bless me on this journey.

Acting and writing is my dream.  I hope you will allow me to be persistent about this career choice.  Maybe you will disagree with my decision, but I'm very serious about this.  I won't give up!  I hope you will support me.

-Judy

She finally called me while I was in class and left a message.  She told me there were many typos... and that I was short; there's a lot of pretty people; and how the entertainment industry is very complicated; this career choice is very impractical, and that I should concentrate on a professional field that can make a steady paycheck.  She could have went ape-shit, but she just got real and straight-up told me how she felt.  She thought I was gonna pursue politics or the path of becoming a lawyer (this was all my practical ambitions before I decided that politics might not be my thing).  She told me her hopes and dreams were gone.  I felt so awkward hearing that.    I don't know how to tell her what it was like working in politics, and what it is like pursuing something I enjoy doing now.  I understand her concerns; I really do, because these are the things I think about every single day.

The stubborn part of me want to go on this unsafe ride, this unsafe journey.  It'd be bumpy, painful, and scary ride for sure, but I'm willing to ride it out.  I don't want to live life with any regrets, so I'm doing what I'm set out to do, and commit to it. I want to prove to her that this is something that I can accomplish before I tell her anything more.  Maybe someday I'll figure out a way to tell her.  In less typos, of course.  Just gotta find a way--but the time isn't right yet.  For now, I'm just left without words--just gotta ride it out.

Monologue 3: Swallowing the Bitterness

When I did this monologue in class, I was so nervous.  Not nervous about the performance (a little), but mostly because of the content.  The subject matter within this monologue--racial tension between the Black and Asian community--holds a special place in my heart.  As I was searching through the book for a monologue that speaks to me, I found "Swallowing the Bitterness" by Anna Deavere Smith.  It is a monologue about Mrs. Young-Soon Han, a former liquor store owner, and her relationship with the Black community after the LA Riots in 1992.  I can never imagine what it was like going through turmoil--both physically and emotionally.  The sense of loss, confusion, and never being able to find justice.  It was something I can always relate to.  So right when I read through this piece in "Extreme Exposure," I knew I had to work on it. I did this with only one-take, and I'm super proud of myself! :D  I recorded many more takes, but felt the first one was the most raw.  I hope you enjoy it!  -- Will write more of the backstory of why & how I developed an interest in this subject matter later.  For now, I have to run to work!

For my mom: a letter you will never read

I had an emotional whirlwind while taking the train this morning. I had to write down everything i felt (did not bother hitting the backspace), and wanna say to my mom--if i had the courage... And here it goes:

It's not like i dont want to give you money, it's just that i cant at the moment. If i had a choice, i wouldnt ask you for anything.  I know you are wondering why im working at a job that has low pay, or what im actually studying; but to be honest, i dont know how to tell you. I dont know how to tell you how much i love the arts and that is where my heart is. I know making money is important, and i know i should find something more stable.

In a perfect world, you will accept my decisions. But for now, i do not have the courage to tell you anything. Do you care? If you know, will you try to stop me? That is what im most afraid of, and that is why im not sharing anything with you. 

I want to be the best daughter you imagined me to be. Right now, i cant be the stable 9-5 kind of human being. I can just be the 10-6 type of crazy artist you disagree with. I hope i can tell you one day, and you will accept me for who i am.

I wish you can be proud of me.

No fear? Shakespeare!

So tomorrow is the last day for Shakespeare at The Barrow Group.  No!!! To be completely honest, I never liked Shakespeare.  I had to read it in high school for regular & AP English classes and didn't understand the stories most of the time.  Maybe because I couldn't understand the text all too well.  But at TBG, Seth really encourages us to know what we're saying.  Why is it important, you may ask:  because you'll look dumb if you don't!  I sometimes don't understand a single word that comes out of my mouth, and it shows because the audience (aka my fellow classmates) cannot comprehend whatever I'm "trying" to act out.  So the bottom line really is to understand the text fully, know what you're saying, and you will do Shakespeare and the audience a favor.

I played around with several characters from different plays.  I started out with the Malvolio monologue because he was one of the most memorable characters in the Twelfth Night.  Although my high school did not have a drama program, we were privileged to attend Twelfth Night at the Brooklyn Academy of Music in spring 2007.  I slept through the whole performance (opps!) EXCEPT for the last part, when Malvolio came out cross-gatered.  I drooled in my short nap too, but the sound of Malvolio's cry woke me up! ;)  Def one of the reason why I chose him.  Aside from the scary first performance with Twelfth Night's Malvolio, I did scene study with Lucetta in the Two Gentlemen of Verona last Wednesday, and tomorrow, I will be playing Adriana in The Comedy of Errors.  I pretty much was lost--but I slowly gained an understanding of how Shakespeare uses his words to guide his actors & audience.

A bit on the process:  I had such a hard time memorizing lines for all Shakespeare texts, but I had such a great time putting in the work to figure it out.  I fell in love with it so much that I bought the First Folio of Shakespeare--the original text.  It's cool to see how his work have been transformed into modern publication, and how editors change his words to make sense of it.  It's a good reference book to keep, and I always get a kick out of the difference between the real deal and the publisher's copy.  I'm so scared of forgetting my lines tomorrow, but fuck it!  Let's finish Shakespeare off with a bang!

MONOLOGUE 2: Why hello, Malvolio!

I took a month-long break from monologue-making--sorry!  I was super swamped with work (transitioned into a new position) and classes (I'm taking improv at UCB and I absolutely love it!); so lots has been changing and happening in my life .. for the better. But!

I didn't forget about my Youtube Channel.  I have been working on a Shakespeare monologue during this down period, and it is what you see in the video.  This time, I limited myself to three takes ... three takes only!  Remember how I did 11 takes in the first one?  Yeah, I try to be fair and do less this time.  Hope you enjoy the video.  Don't forget to subscribe & like! ;)

Not gonna give up!

Lately, I have been feeling a bit stressed. At times, I wondered if I had made the right decision to become an artist amd organizer. It feels like a constant struggle because I have a lack of knowledge within the field of acting & I don't have a mentor and it is hard navigating this path on my own; and working at a nonprofit with limited  resources can be exhausting.  I only wish I can find answers to my long list of questions, and sometimes the only person I can turn to is myself. It's hard. On the surface, it seems so easy. But in reality, I feel like I have to put in 10x the effort to produce work, and not get anything in return. I never asked for anything in return, because I chose this path on my own. My mom doesn't know what I'm doing, or she is playing dumb... but sometimes I wish I can just tell her what my dreams are: to create a kickass experience at the film festival for the staff, audience, filmmakers, and volunteers and to become the best actor I can be. I'm just starting out in this long, hard journey--and it is just gonna get tougher. There is a lot of pressure I give myself, and I know I should let it go before I burn out. This kind of pressure pushes me to the edge sometimes, but I keep telling myself that it is all gonna be worth it once it is over. Maybe when more staff comes on board, or when I find a mentor, it'd be easier. But for now, I just go to the gym and run miles to relieve the stress. (Hopefully, I won't develop monster calves :P).

A Long Road Ahead

Yesterday, I had an amazing time on the set of a feature length film.  This is my first acting gig in a feature film.  I was  excited.  Although I had two short scenes, I worked hard in both.  The scene with no lines was purely visual cue, whereas the scene with lines made me very conscious of the way I'm delivering the lines.  At some point, I was mindful and asked myself why can't I do this?  We did several takes and I found myself getting stiffer and stiffer.  In the end, we did one last take and moved on. I always tell myself not to pay attention to the emotions of delivering any sort of lines because it locks you into a certain mode; but on set, it is best to go with what the director has in mind.  I need to adapt more.  I need to listen more.  I need to adjust more.  I guess I was nervous?  I know the more I do this, the easier it'll take--so I'm ready to put myself out there and get more experience.  Afterall, practice makes perfect, right?  I don't know how the scenes turned out--I am excited to watch the playback! :-)

After finishing the two scenes, I went home.  I had a headache and was completely exhausted.  I never knew that acting can be so draining, but it is and I love it.

I caught the flu, too: sore throat, semi-stuffy nose, and mucus.  I caught it earlier in December, and I can't believe I caught another one.  Guess I gotta rest and stay mute.  I'm starting improv classes at Upright Citizens Bridgade Theatre tomorrow, so I don't know how this mute thing will work.  Maybe it'll make the scene even funnier?  Who knows.  The class goes on for eight weeks with a final performance in the end of March.  If you're in NYC and wanna come and watch it, let me know!  It's always great to have friends in the audience. :)

ALL THE RAGE | Martin Moran

Today, I had the pleasure to catch a rehearsal of ALL THE RAGE, a solo show performed by Martin Moran and directed by Seth Barrish (my TBG teacher).  At first when Seth invited the class to go watch the show, I hesitated a bit because I wasn't sure how well I'll hold up during the show.  I always have a tendency to fall asleep during plays (opps, please don't kill me), or I will end up super confused if characters talk too fast--or I just don't get what's coming out of their mouths.  But today, I understood everything. In short, Martin Moran's performance blew me away.  Not only did he work every part of the stage--the way he told the story, from beginning to end, adding in all the complexities of meeting different people to discover his own voice & confidence to confront his fear/secret, was empowering.  At some point, I felt tears rushing towards the tip of my eye, and then at another point, I mhmm'd in agreement.  As he went on the emotional journey/discovery, he reminded me what it means to be brave.  I am hardly moved by theatre pieces, but this one definitely made me feel something.

The show runs from January 19 through February 24 at The Peter Jay Sharp Theatre on 416 West 42 Street (between 9 + 10 Avenue).  Check out the Facebook page for more information, and let me know if you're going.  I hope to catch it again!

Growing Up, Moving On Out.

Growing up, I never thought about growing up.  It's true.  I always knew we would all get older someday, but I never thought about what it really means--until about a few months ago.  I met with my mentor, whom I consider one of my best friends, and we were catching up about life.  One thing that came out of the conversation is pursuing one's dream and what it really means to be independent while doing so--especially when people around you aren't aware of what you're doing/if they will be supportive, if at all, when they find out.  Having this conversation forced me to think about moving on out.  It was and still is so scary. To give a little backstory, I am currently living with my brother, and we are one floor apart from our mother.  We have our own space, but we are still very close to her.  We hang out on Saturdays during her day-off; we have dinner together everyday; we watch television together; we talk and (sometimes) yell at each other (that's the way we talk, btw).  In other words, we are very close as a family--and many factors have led up to this point.   When I imagine growing up/older, I never thought about leaving my family behind.  We have been through so much together that I cannot imagine living life without them in it.

Around me, I see a lot of my friends living by themselves or with friends and they appear to be very independent.  It makes me question where I am now; and if I, too, should move out of my comfort zone (my home), and make my own way.   I feel so attached to my family right now, and I don't see myself leaving anytime soon.  But I feel like somewhere down the line, I will need to physically move out of New York City (to LA?), to leave home.

Maybe then, I can live and dream elsewhere.  Will it make me hungrier for my dreams?  I don't know.  For now, I just want to live out everyday as a new way for me to discover a path I can call my own.  It's some scary shit.  Maybe the messy-twenties?  I don't know what is going to happen in the future... only time will tell--and the clock is ticking!

Monologue 1: Girl with the Long, Blond Hair

This is my first attempt to perform a monologue in front of a camera (11 takes).  I know I shouldn't have done so many takes, but the first few tries didn't feel real.  When I think about acting, all I want is for it to be real.  I found myself being stiff through the takes--maybe because I'm nervous.  I think all actors get nervous, and it's okay.  Especially that first breath you take before you start the monologue.  Usually the start of the monologue is the hardest because you work up your nerves to jump start the whole thing, but once you start and get into the words, everything falls into place.  (if you want to see how nervous I was, watch the bloopers). I hope this first attempt is something I can always look back on and think of ways to improve.  What do you guys think?

Starting a Youtube Channel!

5 months ago, while I was struggling to decide whether to stay at my full-time position or let go and pursue my dreams, my friend suggested that I should just start a Youtube channel (and keep my job).  It felt right.  Why leave security and chase after something so uncertain?   I decided to leave my job and just go for it! But even then, I didn't have any motivation to start a Youtube channel.  There are a lot of people watching, and comments can be plain mean.  I was scared.  What if they tell me I suck?

On Friday, January 4, we started classes at The Barrow Group Theatre after a short winter recess, and bam, we are going to start what I was most afraid of:  Shakespeare and monologues!  Lee Brock (an amazing womyn and teacher, btw) told us to write down six of our favorite monologues.  Everybody busted out their pen and paper and began to write--like they had it in their back-pocket all along.  I struggled.  I only have three somewhat memorized, and I barely remember the title of the play/solo show.  It was a wake-up call.  I knew I had to do something about it... and what can force me to do it time and after time?  Starting a Youtube channel!  (being public makes me more diligent/motivated)

If you want to follow my journey as an artist, subscribe to the channel.  I might suck the first few times, and I know it.  You can tell me I suck, or give me constructive criticism.  Whatever you think, just be honest and tell me--it's all a part of the learning process.  I might cry in my sleep, but at least I know I'll grow as an actor.  So... thanks for watching in advance, and I hope you enjoy. :)

New Year, Same Dreams

2013, it feels weird pronouncing your presence, but i guess you were gonna be here sooner or later. So welcome. 2012 was one of the craziest year, ever!  There were many twist and turns throughout the year: from being lost and confused about what I'm most passionate about after coming back from Hong Kong, to landing a position at the Congresswoman's office, to recognizing life is too short to live out others' expectation of you, to really finding the courage to pursue an unsteady, yet gratifying journey as an actor/writer.  Everything--from decision a to b, took a lot of contemplation. Towards the tail-end of 2012, I kept thinking about how i had the balls to do half of the things i did. But i think they call this growth--or maturity.

For 2013, i want to continue to grow and mature as a worker and artist. I am thankful to be working for an organization i truly believe in, so planning and executing programs will be fun and exciting. I also want to learn and grow more as a performer and writer. I need to go out and watch more shows/movie and read more. I have to finish the script by the end of this month. I have to put in more work. I have to put in more work.

Some personal goals for 2013: -Eat out less and learn how to cook (the pan turned brown and the whole apartment smell burnt... and i was only cooking scrambled eggs!!!) -Recognize people who matter and appreciate them -Stay positive. I've been through a lot in my life that staying positive is something i constantly struggle with. Now that im mindful about it, im gonna work on it. It is a process. Gotta keep my head up. -Stay in shape. I almost died during my first day back at the gym three weeks ago. Now, im kicking ass (hehe jk). I signed up because my body was telling me something. I have to keep working on staying fit, or else i will be breathless/unhealthy again...yikes!

What did you do in 2012 and what are you hoping to accomplish in 2013?

Healthier Heart

Since last April, I have been going through a roller coaster with my health. At times, I will feel normal; but on some days, I'm off. I don't want to go into too much detail about what has been happening, I just know some things need to change. And today, I'm finally going to make a commitment and join the gym (commitment, gasp!).  This is not the only time I had to make some sort of physical adjustment.  From age 8-14, I was overweight from eating a bunch of junk food (I had chips with rice--you can never beat that combo). I was fat and out of shape. In junior high school, our teacher brought us to run along the East River.  I tried jogging for a bit, but I ran out of breath.  I asked if I can do some racewalking instead. Thinking about it now makes me laugh. Of course he said no and I had to run... everybody else was running. I almost died because we had to do a mile. I kept telling myself I can't do this, I can't do this. But my teacher came right beside me and asked if we can run together. I felt so embarassed, yet happy that he asked. And so, we ran together. Slowly, but surely, we finished the mile.

After that day, the whole class would run together during gym time. After a few classes, we also formed a track team. I joined and chose to run distance. I fell in love with running. I stopped running in high school and picked it up in college again. After college, I ran outside during the summer, but I would always give myself excuses--it was too hot or too cold. Now that it is indoors, I don't have any excuses. Commitment. I consider this an early Christmas present. I'm pretty excited about getting fit and training for a healthier heart. Cheers to a healthier me! :)

What kind of artist are you?

Yesterday, as I sat and observed others' performance in class, I thought about acting as a career for Asian Americans.  I looked around me (saw nobody that looked like me) and thought about how everyone else will have greater odds in this industry because of their appearance.  Thinking about this certainly distracted my performance.  Sometimes I just can't help but think about the realities of this industry.  On the other hand, I think about what it is still missing, and if I can bring something new to the table. What kind of artist am I?  what kind of artist do I want to become?  These are the questions I constantly have to ask myself.  My boss asked this question last year, and I didn't have the answer to it.  Now, I have a clearer sense of direction.  I want to be an artist that write/act in my own material.  I don't want to wait for another person to create or tell the story... I want to be a storyteller!

Right now, I'm in the midst of developing a script.  I don't know whether to call it a screenplay or play.  I did playwriting in college, but I focused a lot more on dialogue/character development rather than the form.  I secretly wish it can go both ways.

(Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Had food poisoning this week and was busy working/watching new shows & movies.  Ever since I started this blog, my goal was to update at least 2-3 times a week--ahh, wishful thinking!)

The City of Angels - Days of Discovery

When I booked the trip out to LA, my whole intention was to check out Kollaboration Star, a show consisting of finalists who have won their regional competition and is competing for the title to have a chance to perform in the MNet Music Awards in Hong Kong.  I figured I'd be in for a treat because everyone is so talented.  And yes, the show completely blew me away.  It was not only the talent, but the heart, passion, and soul that transcended through their art.  I can see and feel what they were all about--special congrats to Mike Izon from Kollaboration Honolulu for winning.

After Kollaboration Star ended, it was time to check out what this city has to offer!  I thought LA would be walkable, but boy, I was wrong.  We had to drive everywhere--from Glendale to San Gabriel Valley to Webminister to Downtown LA.  Sometimes I get so carried away, I would forget to take photos, but I'm glad I had the ability to take pics of these landmarks and hot joints while out here.

And finally, I have been able to spot meaningful art, and check out food joints that are hidden.  It just comes to show that your art/restaurant doesn't have to be fancy--it just has to be good, and people will naturally gravitate towards it.

I still have one more post for this LA Adventure.  There were so many things to see and do ... I wish I had more time to do more!  This only means I have to visit again.  LA, you'd want me back, right? :)

The City of Angels - Settling in West

The first day is almost over.  It is 2:08am in LA, but my body clock is still living on east coast time, so it's already 5:08am!  Today was mostly chillin' and settling into the space: the city, the food, and the people. The weather was surprisingly cloudy and rainy. I always imagined LA to be sunny and bright, so it was a bit disappointing. But I have a feeling the sun will come out tomorrow-can't wait to get some vitamin d! I captured today's trip in a few quick shots.

Throughout the day, Linda, KNY team member, and I, had the pleasure to meet most of Kollaboration Seattle's team. Everyone is so nice, and when we were reflecting on our day, we agreed that everyone whom we have met (a lot of folks we just met today) are already acting like family. There's so much love going on that I cannot wait to meet everyone else from the Kollaboration Global team. It is Kollaboration's magic that is bringing and holding us together. #dowork #dreambig

Oh, and if you are in LA, Kollaboration Star is happening on Friday, November 16 at The Alex Theatre in Glendale. To buy tickets, go to Kollaboration's website.

See you all there! :)

My heart is in the arts.

I remember last year around this time, I had a mental breakdown because I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do with my life.  Maybe I was so anxious to know because in college, everything was so structured with a given deadline, that I, for one, thought there was a deadline to this thing called life.  So I went around and asked for advice in areas that strikes my interest.  It started with all professions deemed worthy, ranging from lawyers, to business folks, to professors/phd students from well known companies and institutions. I always ask about their journey:  how they got where they are today, if it was their passion, and if they were happy.  Most of the time, people tell me they are happy with their profession, but it took a long time to get there. One person, in particular, asked me what field i am interested in.  I said, "I don't know. A lawyer? A politician? I really want to work for the community."

Looking back now, it is a quite funny how i associate community work with being a lawyer or politician. Is that a default answer for all aspiring organizers? When I said, "I don't know," I actually did know what I wanted to do, but was always afraid to say or admit it. What if others laugh at my dreams? My dream is always to work for the community, and become an actor and writer. I rarely tell anyone though because what if I fail?  I struggled from within tremendously while working for Congresswoman Velazquez with this question; but after being surrounded with older co-workers and listening to stories of constituents' lives, I began to realize life is too short to live up to someone else's expectations.  And so, I worked up the courage to admit to myself that being an organizer and artist is what I want to do for the rest of my life.

At this point, when I compare myself now to who I was one year ago, I see a huge gap. I see myself grow in ways I never imagined. I am still shocked at how I made these decisions without worrying about consequences.  I am not making any kind of big bucks or rocking brand names, but I am at a really happy place right.  I cannot wait to see what is in store for the next year, and many more to come.  And I hope to use this blog as a way to document the journey along the way.