Re-entering.

It has been a while since I've last updated my Youtube channel.  I stopped during the summer months because the festival work began to pick up; and since balancing work was already hard enough, doing things i love/can work on fell by the wayside.  I felt guilty for leaving the channel for a bit--granted I don't have too many subscribers, but still .. i felt like i was doing myself an injustice by not working on the craft. To be honest, I started the Youtube channel as a way to document my journey through acting--sort of like what I'm doing here.  I felt troubled when asked to do monologues, knowing i had none to offer.  But i found a few pieces that i really like.. that i really connected with and started memorizing from there.  It was hard, but overtime, each and every monologue felt more comfortable.  Some were a bit harder (i must admit).  I left monologues/Youtube for a hiatus, a hibernation of sorts.  I didn't have time a few months ago, but now I do.   And now I'm back.

I struggled to find a direction to the channel.  What should i do?  I'm no fashion or beauty/make-up guru.  I've always thought about teaching Cantonese (for about a year now), so I jumped right in.  I made my first video and then another, and then another.  I think by making the videos, I'm getting more comfortable in front of the camera, which is something I struggle with and want to fix.  Afterall, I want to get into film and television work.  I have to get over it.  It's not an option.

At times, I still doubt whether anyone will like or notice the channel.  I always film with this uncertainty, and my brother called me out for it.  Sometimes harshly.  Although I get pretty antsy every time I say hello, I just need to tell myself to let go.  In class, we talk about letting go a lot.  It's the same type of feeling -- just a different medium.  I see it as a way of practice.  They say practice makes perfect.  So hopefully, I'll be able to hone the craft overtime.

It takes work, it takes time.  I just need to be more patient.

The end is just the beginning.

It's almost been a week since the showcase (last show was last Tuesday). I feel this kind of invisible weight being lifted off my shoulders. At the same time, I wish it lasted longer. I worked with Lunie Jules, an actor I worked with in June for the classics in-house showcase, and I always enjoy working with her. Overall, I had an amazing time at the showcase. It was a way to share what we have been learning for the past 1.5 years. Some of my friends (Shirley, Jenny, and a new friend, Helen), my boss / co-worker Grace & Jenita, and my best friend Kenneth (aka mi hermano) came to watch the showcase and it really touched me. I always feel so relieved when I can tell people what I'm doing now. Sometimes it feels weird because all my friends are pursuing other things. As I "graduate" from TBG, I feel loud and proud about telling others I'm an actor now. I know it's hard for people to think I'm an actor because they haven't seen me in anything yet, but I don't care anymore. I am an actor! If I walk away with any important lessons from the 1.5 Year TBG Program, it is to always be tip-top with your craft. I know I now have a solid foundation to serve as a reference for future projects. However, I know it doesn't end here. If TBG has taught me anything, it is to keep working on the craft until you have to stop and re-learn everything again. To act / to do this again and again is a privilege; and I will work hard to earn this privilege. I am taking a solo show + self-adjustment class with my favorite teacher starting in January. I cannot wait to write and develop more as an actor. I have so many stories to tell--I just need to figure out a way to tell them all.

2014 is gonna be a great year.. I can feel it.

Showcase, showtime

Only two more weeks until the big day! On December 8-10 from 7-9pm on all nights, i, along with the crew at The Barrow Group Theatre, will be performing 10-minute scenes as the summary to our 1.5 year program. I work along with Lunie Jules, whom i have partnered with last June for the in-house showcase) on this short play called All The Rage. Not gonna say much about it... long story short, I am hitting on her. Whoa, right? There will be free wine & cheese after the showcase is over, so come enjoy the show and have a drink... and see me perform! ;) I am beyond excited for this industry showcase because it is a culmination of all the things we have learned since last September. For me, it is something tangent i can show--this is what i have been working on since September. We read over 70 short plays and narrowed it down to seven. In other words, it has been a trip and you'll be in for a treat!

I have been working on my acting for a year and more now. I went from someone who knew almost little to nothing about acting (i've taken acting classes in the past, but it focused either on theory/movement or writing, and it never allowed us to do/act). I learned so much about acting, and so much more about myself as a person. I know i have so much more to learn, and there's no doubt i'll continue taking classes at TBG. It is an amazing school and i love the method they teach. I cannot wait to grow and learn more as an actor.

This is my first time performing in front of real people. I'm so ready! :-)

RSVP HERE.  FREE of charge.  Ain't that awesome?

The dream.

Yesterday was one of those reflective days. You know, one of those days where you sit around and think about if you had made the right decision, or did you completely fuck up. I balled my eyes out. Partly because i left something i loved so much, and partly because i wasn't sure what the future holds. Do you? I kept arguing back and forth with myself if anything would have changed if i kept doing what i did. At some point, i felt regretful. But then i thought, fuck it, i gave up too much to be where i am now, and if i give up now, i will never forgive myself. I guess it is self doubt. That point where you think you can't go on any longer because you don't know how even the next few months will look like. All you can do is dream. Dream about what was, what is, or what can be. Sometimes that dream can be happy, but most of it sad or even scary. You say to yourself that everything is going to be alright even though you're scared shitless. But something deep down within you, you know you love this thing enough that you're not willing to give up.

Someone once said, if you find yourself not loving something anymore, it is easier to just walk away and let it go. But i think if you reflect and think about why you fell in love with it the first place, you will see the beauty of it--even through the struggle and tears. Just don't lose hope.

Keep dreaming. That's what i have to remind myself everyday. Keep dreaming.

Top 5 reasons why Jeremy Lin and I should get together

WOW.  How can I put this?  I think Jeremy Lin and I should seriously get-together -- and the video lists the top 5 reasons why we should do so!  I remember when Linsanity broke out in February 2012, I was still in-between internships after graduation.  Shortly after I decided to take on a full-position in March, Jeremy Lin began to take on more interviews to talk about himself and his dreams of becoming a basketball player, and how his dream came true. On a more serious note (not sure if it came through in the video...), I wanted to tell Jeremy how much he inspired me to follow my own dreams.  When I started a full-time job, I always thought it was what I wanted.  But seeing Jeremy talk about how we should never give up on our dreams really put me on the edge.  He planted this mini seed inside my head, and slowly but surely, I began to listen to my heart and do what I love most instead of what others think I should do.  Even though he is not an actor or an artist, his work ethic, his passion, and how he serves his community, is what made me a fan/supporter.  I'm sure the video made it clear that I'm a fan girl... but hey, #noshame.

I also wanted to bring attention to LINSANITY, a documentary featuring his journey into the NBA that's playing in theatres right now in select cities.  In this doc, it follows his journey since a little boy and how basketball was always one of his passions in life.  The journey had multiple ups-and-downs, but Jeremy Lin did not give up on his dreams.  His resilience and faith for his dreams is inspiring.  If you want to hear how an underdog work day-in and day-out to follow his dream, you should definitely watch LINSANITY while it is still out in the big screen.  While you're at it, bring some Kleenex!

Where is this film is playing? Check out where the film is playing here.  If you live where the film is not playing, TUGG is a unique social website where if enough people from your city/town want the film to be shown, TUGG will find a theatre and show the film.  Isn't that amazing?  Check if TUGG LINSANITY is in your city. :)

Role Models

When the 27 Asian men that deserves more screen time article came out, my friend and I automatically tried to come up with a list for Asian women--specifically Asian American women.  We had about 5 or 6, but we started throwing in some Asian actresses (those from Asia) to make the list look fuller.  Mind you, we only got up to about 12 at most.  Is it because we lack knowledge of who is in the field, or is it because Asian/Asian American women haven't been getting enough roles for the average television/movie watcher to remember their names?  I don't know.  Ever since the birth of the Internet, I don't really watch television anymore.  And I'm being honest. But from advertisements and browsing through the web, I don't see a lot of people who look like me on screen.  People always ask me who I look up to as an actor, and I try to think of somone--but I draw a blank.  Do I even have any real role models? To be honest, I find inspiration from different people--people from the "industry" or not.  Actor wise, I look up to Steven Yeun, Sung Kang, Michelle Krusiec, Sandra Oh.  Artist wise, I look up to Deth P. Sun, Jeff Staple, and folks at Giant Robot. I love creativity and art that speaks with a purpose.  If I was to pinpoint on how I discovered these artists, it was possibly because of actually watching them in a film/show or by reading a feature in an Asian American oriented magazine, meaning they've already been public and sought after.  I wonder if there are any undiscovered APA talents out there.  If so, I can't wait to discover and learn from more.

To end this on a high-note, seeing Ming-Na Wen on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is pretty freakin' inspiring.  I think I need to add her to my list of role models.  Oh, and this summer, someone told me I look like a mini Ming-Na.  If that's true, I want to play her daughter on that show. Ha!  Wishful thinking :D

I do belong.

I promised myself in the beginning of this year that I will put myself out there more often for auditions, and today, i did. I went to an audition for a play called "In the Wine Time," set in the 1950's with an all Black cast. When i first saw the audition posting on Backstage, i was thrilled because i know i can play the character that is being called for. I showed up at the audition location and immediately was dismissed by the check-in lady. I saw a lot of Equity actors being welcomed and were asked to sign-in / get a time card, so i asked her if non-equity members can audition and what the check-in process is. She said equity members are seen first and if there is time i can be seen.  She followed-up and asked me to check the breakdown to make sure i fit the roles. The first line of the breakdown is: all roles are for African Americans unless otherwise stated. I see that most of the roles were for Black actors, but on the bottom of the breakdown, it also said all racial and ethnic backgrounds are encouraged to audition. I remember that was the line in the Backstage posting that led me there. I sat in the waiting area and thought about the way she treated me differently. Tears swelled up. I felt a sense of not-belonging there and thought maybe i should go. But i told myself: stay, Judy, stay. I stayed.

I looked through the sides and quickly realized there is no stage directions for the beginning of the monologue. I remember vividly in class when there are no stage directions, we are encouraged to read the lines and figure out something for the character to do. In this monologue, Doris constantly asks her family if they wanna eat a hot dog. She is semi-drunk and talking in a high pitched voice, so automatically i knew there was at least some distance between her and her sister/friend. I gave myself the task of cooking, and i think it made all the difference. The director / writer said they thought i was funny. I didn't know if it was a good funny (impressed) or a bad funny (weirded out); but i felt i did well.

I think today's audition was a well lesson learned. I know no matter where i go--unless if the role calls for an Asian person--if i show up at an audition for something that is not of my race, i will always be seen as the other / i do not belong there. In this industry, i know this will not be the only time i'll feel this way. It's about time i let that go and not give a damn what other people think of me. I do belong.

I do belong. And i'm not gonna leave anytime soon.

You should just quit now.

Two days ago, while my brother and I were riding the train together, he said something that took me by surprise  (probably what he has been feeling since I told him I wanted to become an actor).  I don't remember the exact words, but he said something along the lines of:  "how many Asian American females do you see on tv or film--not portraying a stereotype?  Your chances of being on a show is close to none. Who can you compare yourself to?  I know this is probably harsh, but I'm just being realistic.  It's good to dream, but it's another thing to do.  You really have to reconsider this whole acting thing because to be honest, I think you should just quit now."  You should just quit now.  Those words resonated with me for a hot second.  I find myself thinking about what he just said, and I found tears streaming down my eyes as I began to defend my decision to become or to remain an actor.  At that very moment, I felt a whirlwind of emotions, and one thing that crept up to me was: what if what he's saying is right?  What if I should just quit now? I replayed his words over and over in my mind over the past two days.  I think about it when I'm alone; I think about it when I'm with my brother and mother.  I have a sudden urge of guilt: of not being able to prove myself, of not being able to provide for my family right now.  And for a slight second, I thought about quitting.  I thought about quitting because I don't see any results yet, and I can be so impatient.  I constantly feed myself self-doubt, up to the point that I convinced myself quitting now is OK.

I got tired thinking about it, so I slept with the thought.  And to be honest, I woke up with an urge this morning to find something stable--like a stable 9-to-5 job.  Then, as I was brushing my teeth, I thought about something I shared with a friend who has a dream of owning his own design label one day:  "Never give up what you want most for what you want now."

I should seriously apply that to myself.  Fuck what my bro said--I should NEVER GIVE UP!

The words.

Today marks the last day of script analysis class.  Seriously?  I wish we can go on and on with the class because as the weeks progressed, most of us grew sharper in deciphering texts within minutes.  I certainly went from sucking at script analysis to getting better.  I say getting better because I know I still suck, and it's still a work in progress.  But at least I'm not far off or spacing out when breaking down a script (I swear, sometimes, I have ADD and cannot focus on reading a script).  Now that I have the tools, every step I take in acting out the scene will become clearer for me.  When it becomes clearer to me, it will definitely be clearer to the audience.  Woo!  I feel super accomplished.  This back-to-the-basics method/mentality really taught me to appreciate the words a lot more than just pulling shit out of my ass.  Seriously.  I feel more confident as an actor.  I cannot wait to return to TBG this fall/winter with my newfound set of skills. P.S. Industry showcase is this winter. Gotta start prepping.  #peeinmypants

Last leg: Songbird

I can't believe how time flies -- and I haven't posted in about 1.5 months already.  Life has been so busy with the film festival lately, so I haven't been working on my own stuff as much.  We're now in war mode, so that explains why I haven't been posting (but that's no excuse, right?). During the last section of the first-year at The Barrow Group, we were assigned to do classics.  I chose a snip-bit between Mrs. Linde & Nora from A Doll's House by Henrik Ibsen.  We had about a month+ to work on it, so it was pretty intense.  I remember I had to buy a long dress because that's what womyn wore back in the days.  I also put on red lipstick to get into the traditional wife mindset (lipstick makes me look a bit older). When it comes to memorizing the lines, which is always a struggle, it took me about 2 weeks.  I memorized it whenever I can--at work, on the subway, at home, with my scene partner.  I know it takes me a while to memorize lines, but after I memorized the lines, I found it so much easier to play with what's around me.  We were always taught to memorize and throw away the lines because it will come back to us.  I always have that instinct to hang on to exact words.  Surprisingly, sometimes when I throw away the lines, it somehow comes back to me.  Other than the lines, I focused a lot on really getting down the whole story of the play.  I read it 4 times to see how the scene really fit into the story.  At first, I only focused on the scene itself--with specific instructions on how to play the "greatest story ever told" direction, but when we played with it in class again, our teacher Seth asked about the sequence of events + how the scene had to do with the rest of the story.  I just sat there, blank-faced because a) I blanked out and b) I really need to do some homework and read before I make random choices without knowing why.  After reading the whole play, I realized how critical this scene is to Nora and her relationship with her husband:  she finally reveals/confesses to someone that she did something terribly wrong in order to save her husband's life.  That's pretty big!

In terms of really playing it, I had a hard time trying to find a balance between between so excited vs. just serious.  Knowing Nora, on the surface at least, she seems like a pretty mindless person.  If we were to only read the scene, then it seems like something so serious; but if you relate it to Nora and her life, then she can say it so casually but it will still mean a great deal because of the words coming out of her mouth.  The WORDS!  That's what's important.  That's the most important takeaway from the last bit of the first-year.

My Girlfriend's Boyfriend: Mike Birbiglia at Carnegie Hall

Last night, I had the pleasure of watching Mike Birbiglia's solo show "My Girlfriend's Boyfriend" at the Carnegie Hall.  I was so excited.. I didn't know what to expect.  I first knew of Mike at The Barrow Group Theatre (TBG) some time in October 2012.  His picture, the classic picture of him in pajamas and holding onto a teddy bear, is hung in the lobby.  I asked my classmate, "who is that dude?" And then I found out his name is Mike Birbiglia, and he did an indie film called SLEEPWALK WITH ME.  I then proceeded to wiki him and found out he was also a comedian.  Whao!--I thought.  I told myself I would definitely check out his film while it plays at IFC, but you know when you say I'll definitely check it out, and you never do?  Yeah, I'm soooo guilty of that. Fast forward seven months later, he returns to TBG for a seminar with Seth Barrish; and I told myself, I'll definitely check it out.  But guess what?  I can't, because I will be in LA during that time.  Two weeks later, I found out he will perform at Carnegie Hall, and I jumped up and said, I'll definitely check it out--and I did!

Okay--now back to the show:  the show was freakishly amazing.  This is my first time at Carnegie Hall, and my first time watching a solo show (without falling asleep!!!).  I have a tendency of falling asleep during theatre performances, and this show kept me awake, all 1 hour and 37 minutes of it.  First, we had Ira Glass preface the show with a story about a dance company finding luck in the mega million lottery game + two ballet dancers glancing across the stage with a solid number.  It was so priceless with Mr. Glass himself starts dancing after he reveals that the dance company did not win the lottery.  They gracefully introduced Mike.  Mike came out with an untucked button-down shirt, faded jeans, and a pair of white sneaks.  Immediately, we all knew the show was gonna be super chill.  And then he said something along the lines of, "I can't believe this is happening here," and i thought me too, me too!  Carnegie Hall is traditionally know as a venue for orchestra performances or something super formal, so I was pretty shocked it was held there.  But our attention was immediately drawn then to his parents who came to support the show.  I had tears in my eyes at that point.  But then he told the story of how his mother sold him her car for $2,000 when he first started out because she didn't see anything of it.  At that point, I just nodded in agreement.  He also told us a story about how we should turn off our cell phones because a lady at another show had her cell phone go off and didn't know how to turn it off--gahhh distraction, that's a performer's worst nightmare (but then if you're awesome, you'll know how to play it off).  Then, the show finally began.  He told the story about not believing in marriage, his t-bone car accident, his teenage dating experiences, not being a part of the make-out club but finally getting into it after lying to his friends but finds out he's a really bad kisser from Sandy-the-brace-face, and then finding love with Jenny, disbelieving in marriage .. still, but then still getting married, and still paying $12,000 for that t-bone car accident in which he was hit by a Benz.  What a show!!!  I sat on the edge of my seat the whole time.  I let out a few LOLs, but at times, I laughed awkwardly because some things were just too true to be true.  I can honestly say I had a grand old time.

It was such an amazing experience to watch a performer work the whole stage.  No props, no nothing.  Just themselves, the story, the lights, and a stool.  I am definitely blown away by the story and his delivery.  If only I can someday do the same. Still dreaming...

Monologue 10: Go Buck on a Motherf*cker!

Seriously, this is my favorite play.  It is horrible because I curse left and right, but I think the inner "hood" girl in me comes out.  I've never "acted" like this in front of other people -- wait, when I get angry at work, this side of me comes out -- but it is definitely something I can bring out if I want to.  Many people think I'm a nice sweet girl when they meet me.  When I was at Trader Joes, the cashier asked me what I was reading, and I said The Motherfucker with the Hat.  He laughed.  He said, "But you're so sweet looking.."  Anyway, he doesn't know anything about me. At first, I tried recording this video in the subway station because it looked gritty -- perfect for this monologue.  But then I realized it might be better indoors.  It is quieter and I can focus more.  I did several takes.  The first take just to warm-up to the lines (I record my videos from first-take on because sometimes I am more relaxed during the first go), and as I get more and more familiar with the lines... the circumstances kick in and I get so angry and I do it so much faster.  I always wonder if I need to slow down towards the end.  I end up having two cuts.  First cut is just getting the lines down, and then surprisingly, second take was good.  Towards the 5th and last take, my words became so much more fluid.   I get more relaxed and I also allow myself to just speak like an normal person.  When you're so caught up in playing a character -- a make-believer, that you forget to act like a normal human being.  So a future assignment I'll throw myself is just to stop thinking what an actor does or how a normal human being acts, and just act.

I hope I don't have to think  and just do it.  But it takes lot of practice.  Practicing now...

Monologue 9: Poor as Job's Turkey!

First time playing with the Southern accent?  Yes!  It just came to me.  I guess I have been watching too much THE WALKING DEAD lately.  Rick, the main character, has a Southern accent.  I kept thinking about him when I was doing my takes.  I believe this is the 5th take.  I only had about 10 minutes to record this before work, and I was so nervous.  The first few tries was just to get down the accent and the lines.  I realized how easy it gets once you down the lines.  You just get a move quicker and actually focusing on acting.  I think I did that with this monologue.  I will do this from now on and see what happens.

Monologue 8: Searching for My Mother

Whao, I totally forgot to post a blog entry for this monologue when I was done one and a half week ago.  This monologue is super special to me because I used it for college acting auditions.  When I was 17 and working with this monologue, I felt I had to be big in my breath and movement.  I had to "act" older and pretend to be a valley girl.  I definitely see some diva in her that i really liked. After working on my craft for a few months, I just look back at how silly I was to do it the way I did in 2006.  I definitely over exaggerated every line.  As I grow as a performer, I realized less is more -- this is a philosophy taught at The Barrow Group.

Good ol' Monday Blues

I haven't written here in a while. Life has been the usual. Was sick for the past two weeks and i'm still trying to recover. Work picked up a bit as i try to pick out interns for the summer. We received some amazing applicants this year, and I'm excited for this team to come together in June. Acting--was so sick up to the point that i missed class for a week. We had two weeks off for spring break, so i was literally away from the craft for 3 weeks. That is a long time, and it felt like forever. I feel like if i dont go or take classes on a weekly basis, i might just stop. That's a scary feeling, so i better practice on my own before i lose the ability to pick up the text and work on it. I gotta stay motivated, especially during the summer, when classes are not in session. Gotta be more diligent!

Anyway, i went for two auditions this month. One was for a music video and another for a hosting gig at a comic con. The music video one was sooo embarrassing because i had no idea what i was doing, and i was "dancing" in front of someone i knew. It was so awkward. I told my boss about the experience and he said if i wanna stay an actor i should expect to be embarrassed for the rest of my life. What a scary feeling!! I never will go on any music video audition after this because i can't risk my integrity for the craft with senseless dancing. The hosting gig audition was so much fun! It was for Mike Carbo's show and although i lacked comics knowledge, i showed up for the audition anyway. They asked for a great personality and i believe i have that within me. I was the first person to audition and had a great rapport with everyone on staff. I used my new headshots and felt so happy and proud. I didn't book it and felt a little bummed, but i told myself it is a learning experience. I will do better next time! :-)

Improv has been hard. 201 at UCB is seriously kicking my ass. The class is all about finding and developing the game and i suck. Sometimes i blank out in class and i get so hard on myself after. At some point i dread going to class because im afraid of sucking. Today marks the 4th class and i told myself to fuck it and just go and do my best. I felt fine today. A bit better than usual. Maybe because im not in ny head too much. I should stay out of my head and just be present and keep working on the craft. It is supposed to be hard. Good things dont come easy.

Over the course of this month, I felt like quitting everything for several times. I keep looking back at how financially secure i was last year, and how i want the same this year, but it is not happening. Other than that, i also feel lost. I'm working on my craft, but i also want to audition and be seen. But part of me ask if i am ready to be seen by casting directors. I need to stick to the craft and refine it before i see them. I need to stop jumping the gun and stay focused. I gotta be real and keep working on the craft. Afterall, the craft is what will get me jobs. I gotta keep working at it. I'll probably be ready before i know it.

Keep truckin and dont give up, judy!

Monologue 7: Baba - Father

I wrote this monologue out of a whim about three weeks ago.  I remember sitting at the bakery last spring, watching him and the two kids come in the bakery, getting things for them, caring for them, and I just sat in silence.  Patrons would ask if they're my siblings, and I would just ignore them.  I guess they think I'm rude; but I don't give a fuck.  I just try to eat as fast as I can to leave the bakery, so there'd be no more questions asked. I still remember the anger and frustration I felt during the whole meal.  As if watching him with them wasn't enough, the peanut gallery had to add wood to the fire.  Sometimes I find myself tearing up, and most of the time, I'll tell myself to stop.  Why cry over a man who don't love you no more?  I deal with it.  Or I try my best to ignore it.

He will never understand the pain he caused us.  Believe me, it still hurts.  I'm just trying my best to ignore it.  Or I'm just trying to tell myself everything is okay, when maybe it's not.  Seriously.  I need to not give a fuck because it's over and done with.  I need to be a stronger person.  I need to learn how to let go.  It's all a part of growing up.

Letting go...

Monologue 6: Fat Pig

It's crazy how much I think about weight and body image these days.  I think it's because of the external pressure of how an actor should look like that makes me very conscious of what I eat and how it will make me look.  I can't deny the fact that diet, a conscious choice of healthy eating, has been a big part of my life for the past month or so.  It's so hard to keep up with it sometimes, but I'm slowly learning self-discipline and cutting back on eating processed and junk foods--which brings me to FAT PIG by Neil Labute. I first heard of this play through a male classmate who did a monologue out of it.  Within the monologue, he talked about how shameful he felt about his mother's weight issue, and I immediately got sucked into the story.   I decided to buy the book, read it, and picked out this part of the play to play with.  As an obese child, I knew I can find something in this play I can relate to.

It was hardest monologue for me.  For various reasons, I found myself in the "actor" mode.  Like ... how will this girl feel when she is confessing to the boy she likes a lot that she will do anything to herself to change for him?  That was a truckload to digest.  I tried too hard to think about the words, and at some point in class, I totally forgot my lines and didn't even know how to deliver it.  I tried recording the monologue at home right after I left class, but I had so much trouble.  What was Helen feeling at the moment?  I kept thinking about how Helen might've thought.  I knew I was trapping myself into creating a certain emotional character for her, so I decided to take a week's break from the material.  I woke up on Wednesday morning (4/3) and decided it was time to record this video... and this is the 3rd take.  I did 4 takes, but decided this one was more natural and conversational compared to the other takes.  What do you think?

As much as I care about body image, I don't think I'll change myself for anyone in this world.  I think Helen has a lot to work on, if she wants to be with Tom.  But the story never got up to that point... oh wait, why am I spoiling the play.  Go borrow or buy the play to find out what happens between Tom, the good-looking boy, and Helen, the so-called "fat pig."  It's a really interesting read and what our society thinks is beautiful these days.  Definitely spoke out to me, and I hope it will for you too.

Improv, Race, and me

Yesterday, while taking the stage at UCBeast for our final 101 class performance, I felt confident. We have been training for eight weeks to get up to this point, and we have grown so much together--we have grown to become a family. Our class was split into two groups, and I was a part of the second group. As we stepped on to the stage, I felt a surge of relief. We're gonna kill this, I thought. Halfway into the performance, there was a skit focused on a family, and I was suddenly dragged onto the scene as a girl that was being recommended as a dating partner for their son. The son's immediate reaction was "well, i could use some ethnic flavor." At that point, i stood there, cold. It was so awkward. I didn't even know what to say. I know it was a heat of the moment thing because as improvisers, we're supposed to say whatever comes to our mind first; and that--race--of course, was brought up, unconsciously. I can't begin to explain how much I dread the race card. Granted i know it's the first thing people see when they see me, but did they really have to use that?  I still remember the first day of class when a girl said, "you speak ching-a-ling-ling," and i was furious. It made me question whether all they see is my race. After the first class, my race was never brought up again... until yesterday, during the performance, where there was a live audience. I felt embarrassed, but the show went on, and we patted each other in the back, and it was over.

I know in comedy, there has bound to be a time or moment when what's funny is a person's race. It can sometimes come off subtlely or suddenly without the other person (initiating the race card) knowing that they just pulled out the race card to get a laugh. And as the person receiving the punch on the other end, i just know it hurts, a lot, even if what was said isn't supposed to hurt or had any type of ill-intention.

As i move forward in improv (yes, i plan on honing the craft), i wonder how many more times i have to endure these types of awkward situation. I wonder when will race no longer be the butt of the joke, but rather, something meaningful. I guess the search for that answer continues. Onward.

MONOLOGUE 5: Just Go

While shopping at The Drama Bookshop, I found a play called THE MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE HAT by Stephen Adly Guirgis that spoke deeply to me.  The whole play is set up in NYC, and it talks about a drug addict, her husband who was recently released from prison, and their complicated relationship with two friends. In this monologue, I play Veronica, the drug addict, who tries to break it off with her husband's best friend.  I struggled so much to play her character because of the circumstances in this scene--I had to figure out how to play a Puerto Rican woman from NYC, and how to be high in this scene.  I held on to these two things as I did a few takes, but found myself a bit stiff/fake.  Towards the end, I was running out of time (the flip video cam only holds about an hour of footage), so I just said fuck it, and did it without thinking too much... and that's the take you're watching now.

**I tried bleeping out the word fuck, but obviously, you can still somewhat hear it.  I hope youtube doesn't take it down! ***In this scene, I was talking to myself in a bed and then by a door, but I actually spoke to Pikachu, and it was quite hard holding in the laughter.  He's too cute for me to tell him any of this, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.