Emmspiration

I just finished watching the Emmys. It's my first time watching it from beginning to end. When I first turned on the television, my mom was like, "why are you turning on the television?" I chuckled, knowing this is the fifth time this year I turned it on to watch something, since we all watch stuff on our laptops nowadays. About 20 minutes in, the Emmys finally started. My mom and I were eating dinner while it played in the background with my eyes glued onto the screen. I simply cannot keep my eyes off the tv. As I am a slow eater, my mom was done with her food. I was still staring at the screen. She turned around again to look at the tv to see what I was watching. She asked, "Why are you even watching this? It wouldn't serve you in any way to see other people claiming awards. You should look at the job application your father brought home instead. Find a real job and not work for organizations that lead nowhere." At that point, my heart sank. How can I explain to her that people on screen--actors, writers, directors, artists--are the people I'm aspiring to be? Will she understand? Or will she shrug me off like all the other times I try to explain myself?

While watching the Emmys, I was trying so hard to spot out other Asian American creatives on the screen, so when the time comes, I can point to it and say, "Ma, look!" But none showed up. I was like dammit.

I got so emotional watching the Emmys. There were two moments that hit me so hard: when Uzo Aduba went on stage and gave thanks (I finished season 3 of ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK today), and also the moment when Viola Davis said, "The only thing that separates women of color from anyone else is opportunity. You cannot win an EMMY for roles that are simply not there." Damn. I couldn't even contain my tears. At this point of the show, my mom already passed out in front of her phone, so I can't tell her what this all means.

I just know that watching the Emmys gave me a sense of hope. With no one in my family, except my brother, who knows what I go through on a daily basis, this gives me hope that someday, there will be more and more diversity on screen / behind the scene.

Sometimes when I have no one to tell these things to, I just write it down or blog about it. I have clouds of blues floating over me these past couple of weeks--because of both personal and professional reasons--and I'm slowly recovering and becoming stronger. Slowly, but surely. I know these hard times are here because I'm supposed to learn and grow from these experiences; so I will, and I must.

I have to fight everyday with myself and my closest loved ones (like my mom) for this dream. It's so hard, and everyday I think about giving up. But something deep down within me tells me not to. And so, I will not. I will not give up. There is hope.

Explorations

Wow, I haven't updated this blog for far too long.  I've been hiding under the rock with the 38th Asian American International Film Festival (AAIFF)--can't believe another year of the festival is over! It's been four weeks since the festival ended, and I finally feel recovered (working 20 hour days really takes a toll on your body!) and am able to write and reflect a bit. This year, it came and passed so quickly. In a way, I miss all the craziness--the chaos, the shock, the adrenaline. So many people were here for the festival, so many filmmakers, friends, and audience members from out of town was here. Afterall, the festival is about creating conversations with creatives behind the scenes, and I can't express the amount of gratitude and respect for everyone brave enough to make art and show it to the world. Props! (Insert clapping hands emoji here)

What's next?

As for the creative things in life:

Acting-wise, I'll be working on a project. What project!?! Well, secret secret until it all comes together. Will write more about it soon. Stay tuned.

Modeling-wise (first time!), I was in Philly last weekend for a shoot with Nom Wah Tea Parlor. Nom Wah is a dim sum restaurant based in NYC, and have recently expanded to Philly. My childhood friend and talented photographer, AnRong Xu, told me about the project, and I, loving dim sum + Nom Wah + wanting to collaborate with AnRong for a while now, jumped at the opportunity. It's my second time visiting the state of brotherly love. First time, it was for work with AALDEF (speaking with Limited English Proficient elderly voters), and this time, it's sorta for work but not really because it was so much fun taking pictures in front of Philly's landmarks--the Philadelphia Museum of Art, Liberty Bell (we didn't make it in.. the line was long), Independence Hall, Board Game Art Park, Italian Market, Schuylkill Rivers, and last but not least, Chinatown. I also had the pleasure to meet my partner-in-crime in the shoot, Ms. Betty Jiang, and also fabulous producer, Barbara Leung. We ended the shoot in South Philly, and went to THE BEST pho place ever called Pho75. We ate in silence.. that's how good it was. Pictures will be forthcoming (before the food belly). I had an amazing time in Philly and I cannot wait to find an excuse to go back. I want to do all the touristy stuff and really experience the city. ^-^

Writing-wise, believe it or not, I'm going to keep rewriting the solo show. Ain't gonna give up on that baby because I believe in the story so much. I know what is missing. The things leading up to a great ending.  Also heartfelt things. Things I was too scared to write into because I wasn't sure if it'll please the audience. But after reading a lot of writing tips from writers, they say, never try to please the audience and just write from the gut. So you will get guts, GUTS--watch out world!

As for life in general:

I've been reading a lot lately. Reading is one of my favorite pastimes. I picked up Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari and read it within two days. Very hilarious and insightful if you're a modern dater. I admit it, I suck at dating and I give up. I foresee myself ending up with a book and Pikachu for the rest of my life--and scary enough, I'm okay with that.  After finishing that, I'm now starting Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson. I'm only on page 37 at the moment, but will continue and reflect more soon.

I'm currently planning a month-long Hong Kong and Japan trip with my mom and brother (only with my bro for Japan). I visited HK for several times, but I've never been to Japan. I'm absolutely thrilled and have been mapping out all the different places to hit up. I'm still looking for suggestions though for both HK and Japan, so please feel free to share. Food, nature, any adventurous things, etc. :)

For this upcoming fall, I want to get out more and explore new places within NYC. I've never wandered through Central Park or Prospect Park before, so I will do that. Gotta also check out Dumbo at night (all the public art pieces) before it gets any chillier. Woohoo to exploring! :)

I'll post more often from now on. Pinky promise. #keepsmiling :-)

Floating

The other day, I was walking around aimlessly in Manhattan to clear my mind and think about what is going on with life right now. With no particular destination, random thoughts filled my mind--especially dreams and goals I made exactly three years ago. Three years ago, I echoed to myself. Is that a long time? Did I let these three years slip by? Have I been floating? To go off on floating--I finally learned how to swim when I was 21. I was a senior at Smith, have always been afraid of the water because I almost drowned as a kid on a beach trip with my kindergarten class. I thought to myself if I didn't learn how to swim now, I would never be able to learn--or my willingness to learn will diminish as I age. And so, I signed up for the class.

Most of us in the class didn't know how to swim. Some knew how to float and doggy paddle around, but not technical at all. Everyone caught on pretty quicky and began swimming in less than three weeks of class. I, on the other hand, clung on to the wall and was not able to float. I was still deathly afraid of the water, and did not trust myself to let go and let the water in. I went to the pool in the morning, during lunch, and after class; breathe underwater. Just breathe. I was there so often that the lady who works at the pool came over and told me I shouldn't be afraid. "The water will keep you afloat, if only you trust it enough." She told me to trust science and my body. "Let go," she kept telling me. She even demonstrated how to float and pick herself back up from the water. She said it's easy. And so I tried and tried and tried, and failed every single time. Until finally, I was able to float. This was after 5-6 weeks of hanging onto the wall.

The next month, I swam on my back to the 5 ft mark (I'm 5'1). It wasn't until the last four weeks of class that I finally swam to the deep end. Every time I swam, a deep fear surge into my mind: what if I drown? This thought consumed me once or twice as I hit the wall in the deep end. I swam and as I hit the final strokes to the deep end's wall, I lost grip. I had to be saved by the life guard. I shouldn't do this anymore, I told myself. What if I drown?

The last week of Senior year, I went back to the pool everyday--every moment I had. The final test for Swimming 101 was coming up and I knew I had to get over it--especially since the final test was to jump off the springboard into the deep end, and then swim back to the shallow end. Needless to say, I was scared shitless, but I said "it's okay, just jump, float, and swim on your back." There was a huge build-up before I leaped into the water. But I jumped without thinking, pushed against the water, got on my back, and swam the whole lap.. taking in the view of the crevices of the ceiling, flags. Victory--is this what victory feels like? That was the craziest thing I ever had to do.

If I have to compare where I am right now in life (especially acting) with learning how to swim / float, I would say I'm somewhat still standing at the 5 feet mark, wondering if I should swim into the deep end. There is comfort in knowing I can swim to the 5 feet mark and still be able to stand on the pool ground if I become scared. And so, I'm taking laps back and forth within the 5 feet mark, not pushing myself to get further into the deep end because once I leave the 5 feet mark, I will not be able to stand. What if I drown?

I drowned about two months ago--twice. Over the winter, I was lost. At crossroads, I should say. I was motivated to restart the YouTube channel, but stopped after two months because I did not have a clear idea what I should do. It forced me to question deep down: what do I really want to do? And when I repeatedly found myself drifting back to acting and telling meaningful stories, I left YouTube behind. It was painful. That pain motivated me to rewrite the solo show I gave up on last summer when I focused on writing the short film. I picked it up again and began to write and rewrite non-stop for a whole month. I made the deadline for the NY Fringe Festival in mid-January. I was crossing my fingers, full of hope--hoping I can finally share this story with the world. I was rejected on Tuesday, April 28 around the afternoon time. I cried. That night, I went on my first motorcycle ride, and the pain slowly withered away as the adrenaline kicked in. It calmed me down. I didn't look at the solo show for another two months; but now, I'm looking at it again.

This is the point where I'm standing at the 5 feet mark, wondering if I should swim to the deep end. Deep end meaning I might rewrite the whole thing that it's completely different from what I had originally planned. Should I rewrite? What if I drown in the process?

But I know i will float. I will float. Just do it and don't worry about it. Don't think.

You will float. You will swim.

Just swim.

Growth

When i turned 25 last year, i made a lot of promises to myself. To be happy and content, to challenge myself everyday (something along the lines of: do one thing that scares you everyday), to be a better actor, to be a better daughter/friend. A year later, let's just say everything is pretty much still a work-in-progress. At the end of my 25th year of being on this earth, i realize patience is really a virtue, and if you try to rush things, it ain't gonna work. I learned it the hard way. And i also learned that you should take note and move on. I guess one big thing i really learned this year is what love really means. I mean for the first 25.9 percent of my life, love is really pointed towards family, art, and the community. Other than those three things i poured my whole heart into, nothing else really mattered. 

Towards the last days of my 25th year, my bro thought it'd be a good idea for me to start meeting guys. He said if i don't live life, then I'll never be a good actor. In a way, he is right because a lot of scenes are about love, lust, hate, indifference--if i never experience these feelings, i will look phony. So I was somewhat convinced and signed up for Tinder. I had Coffee Meets Bagel last year, but didn't really like anyone on there, and Tinder is the newest, hottest thing, right? So i was convinced.

Going on that first date was extremely terrifying/nerve-wrecking for me. Maybe because in the past, I've gone on dates where I actually met the person before. This time, stranger danger got to me, and i pooped literally three times before i finally met him. In the end, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I deleted the app a few days after because to be honest, I don't think I'm ready to be in anything. Or maybe I'm afraid of getting hurt; and so, after a few weeks and a lot of uncertainty later, I'm just staying put for now. Whether i meet anyone or not, I should focus on bettering myself. I got a career i have to chase after, and i need to focus.

I must say i learned a lot about love. It's messy. It hurts. Turns out there's no such thing. In the end, if nothing else, it's friendship, companionship. Tolerance. I swear I'm not trying to sound jaded, but yeah, that's what I believe love is.. At least for now.

For my 26th year on this planet, i hope to find more clarity. What is it that i really want? What can i do everyday to get to my goal of becoming a film actor? I also want to start counting my blessings. I have family and friends. I have to be grateful to have them in my life. I never want to take anyone or anything for granted. After all, people come into your life for a reason, right?

So to 26, i hope you will continue to teach me what it means to love. If it burns, please know that that's what it takes to grow. 

So here's to growth. 

Cheers!

big day

Today's the big day. No, it's not my wedding with Pikachu. Today is the day where I take the stage and perform for the very first time outside of a classroom setting/school related showcase. Gosh, I'm fuckin' nervous and anxious. But this is normal right? At this point, I'm just psyching myself out. So I want to sit, reflect, and write out reasons why I chose to pursue this profession. I know I write about it a lot here; but checking in with myself once in a while is good for the soul. And right now, I really need to check myself before I wreck myself. Ice Cube anyone? (I had to look up that reference, btw, ha.).

Ok, now where to start? Let me begin by saying I'm almost at my third year of studying as an actor. It's equivalent to studying three years at a law school, except I don't have a law degree, and my mom is not the happiest with me. She thought I'd be a lawyer--or at least that was what I promised her while still in college. After I graduated, I pursued politics in the community; but I really didn't feel that instant connection. Have you ever had that feeling where you know it ain't gonna work out? Yeah, I had that feeling. I jumped the gun after six months and quit my stable job to pursue this crazy thing. Did I ever think about the consequences? I don't think so. I just thought where I was working wasn't really for me, and I constantly dreamed of being a creative, so I jumped. I imagined great things to happen--fast, quick, and painless. But of course, nothing in life is like this. I am reminded everyday that I need to take the time to pursue this craft, that I need to know myself/experience life, that I need to be patient, that I need to work harder and smarter, that I need to realize that if I don't put in the necessary time and emotional patience and connection, I will not go anywhere.

After three years of running around, I can look back and say I've learned a lot of lessons. A lot of time dedicated to this craft, but knowing I can be better. A lot of time/money wasted, but in the end, I learned a lot about auditioning techniques, different casting offices in NYC, and how to proceed in the future. What's most important now is very simple: to do work. And I think that's where this play tonight comes into play.

We've been rehearsing for two months, and we played around with all different possibilities. It becomes looser and looser every time we meet. Process wise, I had a different interpretation of the script from the director--like the script is quite deep and dark, but the advice is: we shouldn't go there. Playing it like it's no big deal.. gives it less pressure. I will take this note and run with it tonight. No matter the outcome, it's always important to just enjoy the moments on stage and have fun. If you're not having fun, then what's the point of the play? It's called a play for that very reason .. right? Play, dammit.

I know in the audience tonight will be a lot of people I don't know. I also know a lot of my close friends and my brother is coming. My mother is not coming because she wouldn't understand anything anyway. I actually had a talk with her this past Tuesday. I, finally, was serious and told her my show is this Saturday, and will you come? She, of course, said acting is a frivolous hobby, and that one should only pursue it as a side thing. I heard those words and cried. Why would she say that if she already knows I've been pursuing it for so long? Or is she still in denial of the fact that I'm not pursuing something more stable? Either way, whether she's there or not tonight, the show must go on. I know she's secretly there in spirit.

So.. if you're free tonight, come and check it out. It's a showcase run by Artistic Asians Run on Shorts. It's the first she-bang, one-night only kind of engagement, and you'd be smoked if you missed it. 8:00-9:30pm EST, DCTV, 87 Lafayette Street, New York, NY 10013. You can still buy tickets at the door.

Afterparty is at South's, 273 Church Street, New York, NY 10013 -- around 10:30pm EST?

See y'all there.

With lots of love and kisses. <3 :)

Decisions

Am I going through another quarter life crisis? I think so. The first time I had one was when I was 22, working full-time, but really just wandering. Three years later, I still feel the same way. In a way, I'm in a similar position. I'm working full-time now (contracted position that ends in May); but instead of "thinking" about acting, I'm actually doing it. It only took three years to get to this point, where I finally feel I'm capable of taking on new challenges and say to myself, "you got this girl!" in acting, that is. Otherwise, life is still confusing as heck. And that is why I'm writing about it now. Especially today, because today is when I walk into the office of where I work full-time and decide either a) to continue working there while pursuing acting on the side or b) to finish up the contract and just focus on acting. I already know what I want; it's just taking that leap of faith--again--that is scaring the shit out of me.

So why is it that I'm shitting in my pants? Security. Yup, that's the word. When you work full-time anywhere, you get this amazing thing call direct deposit every two weeks, and when you have to pay rent or credit cards, you know there's a stash waiting for you. It feels amazing to have that security. I lost it after quitting that full-time position three years ago, and I lost it again after quitting that temp work one year ago. Every time I quit, it feels great because I'm like fuck-yeah acting, I'm ready for you baby.. and then reality hits, and I realize I'm just starting out, and if I don't get better and get more work out there, then nobody will know/care about me to cast me in anything, and I'll forever be broke. Or even when I produce my own materials, I need money to make it happen. I can't look like I desperately need the job, I need to prove that I'm ready for the job. I need to do more work, and I need money to make it happen.

Ok, so maybe even the position won't continue and I'm just thinking too much. Gosh, I'm getting all worked up over here, but maybe there is no more money and my position will disappear, and I'm just sitting over here writing and getting worked up over nothing. This has happened before, where i worked and naively throught if i work hard enough, i will get paid, but in the end, just left with half and a broken heart.

No matter what happens today, it just makes me real nervous. It feels like a life-changing decision for sure. Maybe I'm just being dramatic, but ... I don't know if I wanna put myself through this shit anymore. I just want to do something that will make me want to wake up everyday and feel excited about the work. But don't we all?

Ahh, I still don't know what I'm going to do. I'll let the boat flow a little and then when it comes time to make that decision.. that's when I'll make it.

Maybe when I'm in the room today, my subconscious will blurt out what I've been thinking all along. Afterall, you can only lie to yourself for so long before the bubble bursts.

Pati

Yesterday was an awesome day. Around noon, I found out I was casted in a short play called ATM directed by Heesu Chae. Around 5:30pm, I was sitting at White Rabbit Tattoo getting my second and most likely last tattoo (ha, that's what I said about the first one). But yesterday was awesome on so many levels. It was the first time in a long time where I felt I was moving towards something in this artistic career. First of all, I was in utter shock when I found out I got casted. I think it's the first time where I auditioned and was selected amongst others. I auditioned for the role on Friday evening and was so out of it during the audition, so to even be selected, wow. I remember thinking to myself in the audition room that there are people who are younger or more stylish than me who can play the free-spirited girl. Or I was thinking if I don't get this part, it'd be great audition practice for the next role. I'm usually terribly nervous during auditions, so I just told myself to have fun and don't think too much about it. And it worked! I think as actors, sometimes we get into our heads way too much and that self-deprecating talk ain't gonna help. Gonna remember to do that for every audition from now on and just have fun.

On another note, I can't believe I got another tattoo. It says pati and has a lightning bolt on it. Pati is the latin root for the words passion and patience, and it means to suffer or endure. I first heard about this word through my brother. He was watching American Idol, and a singer who was auditioning told the judges that the journey he's in in making music represents pati, which means to suffer greatly to do the things you love. After my bro finished watching that episode, he immediately showed me. He thought I would like the word/idea, and I did. I kept thinking about getting it as a tattoo, but another idea I had was just to get a thunderbolt to represent my surname/Pikachu. I thought, hey, why not get both, and I did. I still remember the pain I felt the first time I got a tattoo about 1.5 years ago, so it wasn't that bad. Now, it's just healing. -- For the past few weeks or even months, I have been working to get out of this rut I've been on since the beginning of winter. I didn't want to admit it, but I had a lot of pain--so much on my mind. Like where am I going with this acting career, and who can really understand and know what I'm going through. I guess I felt very alone in this process. I was stressing and thinking a lot. At some point, I thought of just giving up. Everybody around me was getting into grad/law school and I wanted to follow suit. But then I sat down and had to question whether what they have is really what I want. When the answer is repeatedly no, I knew I had to hone in and focus.

Although I was in pain, I knew only time can solve/heal everything. I still have a lot to grow--getting better, growing up, opening up more, sharing more of what I truly am thinking to others instead of just smiling and saying everything is good. I don't want to burden others, and I want to be a ball of happiness. So instead of hanging out with friends, I spent a lot of time alone and with my brother, who is truly my best friend. I don't know where I will be without his love and support.

I guess at the end of the day, it's so important to just take time and think through what you really want. Sometimes the answer might not be obvious, but just listen to that inner voice--never let anything else distract you. And also, work hard, work smart, and what we really want will be right in front of us. Not because it decided to show up, but because you worked so hard that what you built is now finally ready, finally here. Take charge and go. Nothing else is stopping us now.

Let it go

Yesterday was the last night I got to play Veronica in The Motherfucker with the Hat in class. It was really bittersweet. In many ways, I think Veronica and I have a lot in common (personality wise). Yes, she curses up a storm; yes, she tries to get the last word in; but one thing I admire most about her, is her willingness to wait for her love (Jackie) to come out of jail--even though she cheated while he was in jail. She still loves him and very much wanna be with him. Am I not supposed to reveal that here? Opps. I've never been through anything like that, but I can empathize with both Veronica and Jackie. Their love and relationship, is what I like most about this play. If I were to dream on, I would love to play Veronica on stage someday. I don't know if this play will be put on again, since it already premiered on Broadway in 2011; but it'd be dope. Real dope.

Since I stopped making YouTube videos, I have been focusing on acting (rehearsing a lot more, going over lines on the subway, in the streets, at work talking to myself, literally everywhere) and writing more for the solo show. I felt like I improved a lot just by going up last night. We went first, and I didn't even think about anything, not even the lines. I thought, this is no big deal; I prepared for this. Because I was more prepared,  I was definitely more confident. I was ready to let everything go and just go for it. And it's not like I never prepared before, it's just that, now, because I admitted to myself I wanna fuckin' act and just be, my whole mind and body is just like, you go girl, you got this! I have never felt that way .. well, since 2012 when I started anyway. I keep wondering what took me so long to admit this. How I lost sight of everything else and now i just jump right in. I got lost or distracted along the way, but I'm glad I found a sense of ownership.

Although I found myself last night, I still think about mommalei and what she thinks. She found out through Facebook that I am not gonna do YouTube anymore and was really shocked and sad. She also found out from the same status that I will keep pursuing acting and she immediately flipped out. She went on with the usual (not stable, terrible decision), and the conversation ended as it usually does--we both don't know what to say to each other.

Back then, I care deeply about what she thinks. But last night, last night while I was showering, I was like, whatever. This IS me now. And there's nothing she or anybody can do or say that can stop me from working on this journey. Yes, I'm no longer "hoping" to be in this industry. I will work to make shit happen.

Can't believe it took 28 months, or 2.33 years for me to take charge of this feeling (is my math on point or what?), but I'm glad I fucked around along the way to get to this point. I guess this is life?

I'll keep doing, working, and dreaming. Keep going and don't think! Don't think! ;)

Hanging up the hat

Tonight I had an epiphany. Tonight is the premiere of FRESH OFF THE BOAT on ABC. AB fuckin' C. The network television station with millions of eyeballs--that ABC. It's crazy! There was a huge viewing party at the Circle NYC (typically an exclusive nightclub turned into a viewing room with over 1000 people in the house). It was crazy! There were many moments tonight where the idea of "this is just the beginning" was reiterated. And when Eddie Huang said he hopes this show will inspire others to tell their stories, I lost my shit. I teared up a bit. And when Jeff Yang in the end said that this is not about Eddie's life and about the community, I was like hell to the fuckin yeah!

To put everything into perspective, this is the 2nd time in American history where an Asian American family is featured. The first time was 20 years ago with Margaret Cho's ALL AMERICAN GIRL. 20 fuckin' years ago. That's a really long time. And for this show to come on, the term historic is an underestimated statement.

In a day and age when multi-culti or colorblindness is constantly preached, people need to realize this is a HUGE deal for the Asian American community. And hopefully this is only the beginning.

A lot of thoughts passed through my mind tonight. Most of it was damn; but a lot of other times was: how can I get there? This is and has always been in the back of my mind. I need to re-evaluate what I do, and I've been thinking about this for quite some time, but I'm seriously thinking about discontinuing the  Cantonese Lessons part of the YouTube channel. Maybe it'd be a space where I reflect about my acting career (yes, career!).

I need to focus and not let the outside noise drown out what I really want. I really want to fuckin tell stories through acting and write more stories about the Asian American experience. I really want to tell stories I can be proud of. So this means, I do less of other stuff. And I am cool with that.

I guess my whole intention with starting the channel is to be able to express myself and do something that can benefit others. But the hardest part is to find people who are interested in Cantonese Lessons. Has it been done before? Maybe. With a fuckin gong sound that gets my blood boiling out of the left field. I was trying hard to make it cool and to find people who will care.

Maybe it was the wrong platform. I tried many times, and this time, I'm finally hanging up the hat. I can't say that I never tried. I'll take a moment to take in all this and realize it's okay to try and fall. The only thing is, now when I stand up, I know what I want more than I did before. And that makes it all worth it. I learned a lot about myself through doing this YouTube thing. And I can say that I'm fuckin proud of myself. That's always been the hardest for me, to be at peace with myself. Heck, I still didn't show #mommalei the video, so shit. I'll show her tomorrow morning when she is at work. When she doesn't have to confront me and my decisions of what I want to do with my life. Someday she will come around.

So I'll be blogging once a week instead about acting. I hope you'll still continue to support this journey.

The takeaway: never stop the hustle or never stop dreaming.

Thankful

Happy thanksgiving y'all! It's been a trip, and Election Day is finally, at long last, over over. Everything leading up to that big day felt like a rush, but after ED, everything is so chill now. Traveled to Boston with my colleague and had a lot of fun speaking with old grannies and grampies. A few voters sat me down and told me their life stories. That was my favorite part. I love listening to life stories, especially from the Chinese community in Boston. It's different, yet the same as folks in NYC. You know, immigrant stories.. something I can relate to wholeheartedly. To that experience and my job, I am extremely thankful. I'm also thankful for family and friends. Sometimes people come in and out of your life. Family will always be by your side. sometimes it is easy to distinguish between friends and acquaintances, but I consider everyone I meet a friend. As my friend mentioned the other day, you are friends for a reason; you met by chance for a reason, so for all my friends, I am thankful.

This day puts me on reflecting mode. I took a small break away from acting, but I'm ready to dive back in in January. New year, new beginnings. I'm trying so hard to make everyday a new beginning, so I'm promising myself now that I will keep working on the craft until I get to a level of comfort with being uncomfortable. So hard. Easier said than done, but imma do it. I will. If and when I achieve that level, I will be thankful for taking it up a notch to a whole 'nother level. Keep pushing, yah feel me?

What are you thankful for?

Keep fighting

Today was an amazing day. Finished the short film we've been working on since the summer, and boy, that was an amazing fuckin' experience. Been through thick and thin with this project, and I'm so glad we finished the shooting part. Now the fun part begins--sound & editing. Can't wait for it to come together.

But first, on the experience. Met with the director a few times, rewrote the piece for a gazillion times over the past few months since May.. and still, there needs to be a final touch. Still trying to figure it out. And that's the fun part. The imagination, the point where can translate something we have in our minds into something on screen, and I think that's amazing. I didn't really know what it takes to make something like this, but this experience definitely taught me patience, and the fact that I still have a lot to learn.

Compared to everybody else that's in it right now, I'm still a young and hungry cat looking to see what's out there. I'm constantly searching, maybe soul-searching, to see what's the right fit. Sometimes I think to myself whether what I'm doing now is going to be worth it, but then again, I'm like fuck it, don't think, just do.

A part of me is still stuck between the community vs art route because the community gave me perspective, and I want to be a part of it. I spend a lot of my time thinking about these things because I try to latch on to something of value, and in the end, I don't think I've gained anything. It's terrible and sometimes it eats me up. I always question whether or not the community will be there in the end. I have a deep fear that the answer might not be what I want to hear.

But like my friend said, only you can take you far; only you know what you want most. I didn't even have words to respond to that in the morning. I was just processing his words, like damn, that motherfucker is right. (Excuse the language, been rererereading THE MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE HAT).

Out of all this, I asked myself throughout the day, what makes me come alive, and guess what? The crazy answer, to do art, to tell stories, and to act. Fuckin' crazy I tell ya, but if that's my short answer, that should be something I need to do for myself. Like right now. So I signed my ass up for an acting class in January. I can't fuckin' wait.

What are you most afraid of? What are you doing to conquer that fear?

That thread

It has been 3 years and some change since graduating from college. Time flies. I remember before I graduated from college, I had hopes of working in DC or going straight on to grad school. If you tell me back then I'll have a chance to work in government, I'll say, hey why not. If you tell me back then I'll end up shifting from gig to gig, I'll laugh. Everything I do now is considered a gig, not long term, and I can't really tell you what will happen next year during this time. Sometimes this uncertainty eats me up on the inside, but I know this is the path I took. I have to hold some sort of responsibility for it.

I'm back to working for the community. A nine-month gig doing voting rights. It started out real slow, and now, things are moving at the speed of light. Election Day cannot come sooner. I feel an obligation to do my best because I don't know if they will hire again.

I really like interacting with other folks who works for the community, in NY or elsewhere. I guess that's the thing college really taught me--it taught me how to think critically about the society we live in and how we can work to make it better. It's that thread, that sense of hope that things will get better if we work for it.

I still want to do acting and writing. It's just that I gotta save up enough money to survive when I don't work anymore. I write at night and on the train. I miss that part of me.

I don't know what will happen in a year from now, but all I know is that I still want to work in the community someway, somehow and do art. None of these pay well, but it's good for the soul.

Gotta keep trekking.

Keeping faith

I'm riding the D train as I write this. There is a man, who says he is the conductor's friend and a born-again Christian. As a person with no formal religious affiliation, I don't know what that even means. I think it means he was a non-believer and now he is? Either way, he started singing a song about how Jesus sacrificed his life for us, and how no one will do that, and only him. I wouldn't say I'm a religious person. My mom always taught my brother and I to believe in ourselves, and not to believe in anything else. She said religion gets a little messy. It also takes a lot of time and effort to honor something, especially when you're working so many hours a day and have to worry about buying offerings for the gods.. even if it only means oranges and incense.

Don't get me wrong--technically, we're Buddhist. And the only reason why we're Buddhist is because of me. I was a non-stop crying child as a baby, and my grandma suggested that my mom should put up a Buddhist statue. It might stop me from crying, and it did.

I never really saw praying to the Buddha as a religious thing. I always thought it was another way for me to eat more fruits and eat more traditional foods that we only eat during the holidays.

That was until I met a supervisor last year who was a Buddhist. She told me it's more about faith and a way of thinking. Sort of like philosophy. I took what she said and thought it might help my brother, and myself for overcoming the past. Letting go and looking forward. Two things I desperately needed at the time (still do) and will make moving on easier.

That thinking skipped my mind for a few months. Lots happened. Long story short, I lost track on thinking about how faith can ever affect me until I left the job. I felt lost for so long, and I think I'm still in that lost phase. I always wanted to figure out what I wanna do, how to do it, and how to do it now. Especially with that piece of writing/short film I've been working on.

The hardest part is to take a step back, reflect, and figure out a way to move forward. And within that, I realize that maybe I don't really know what I want or what my character wants. I constantly have to go back to the drawing board and did tons of rewrites. I have so many versions of this one character. For a while, I lost faith on writing. What's the purpose of this?

Then, I see the subjects I'm writing floating around in the community. Even though the subjects aren't the main subject of the film (man, am I being vague? Hahaha..), it just kills me to see what people are willing to do to make a buck in nyc. It is weird, but it gave me a sense of hope and faith that I never really had. And so, I went back to the drawing board, and the final draft became a last draft. For one last stab, I thought I finally have something to say.

So what's the point of this all and how does it relate to religion? I guess it's keeping the faith and keep pushing until something clicks. It was so easy to give up and let it go, but if you firmly believe in what you're writing, keep thinking. Unthink, then write again. It's so hard, even borderline painful, but it feels really rewarding once something clicks. I'm so happy I went through this process. It taught me a lot about not giving up. Is that what religion is all about? I don't know.

This is only a test pt 2

About two nights ago, I bumped into an old high school buddy on the subway platform. It was late.. my bro and I just had a late dinner. It felt odd. If you met me while I was still in high school, you'll probably remember me as an over-achieving, straight-edge type of girl that will cry over an 86. All that because she knew what it was like to fail and hit rock bottom -- but that's another story for another post. The reason why the whole interaction was odd was because neither of us imagined our lives to be where it is today. For some reason, I always imagined myself as someone who will jump head-on into the corporate world and take charge of a company. I guess being politicized in college changed everything.. but then again, that's a different story for another post. Back to this post. I bring this up because at some point within the past month, I thought about doing something else other than acting. For real. For those of you who are artists (starting out/mid-way established), you know you'll always have a gig to support yourself; and for me, I had a temp-gig at this liquor company. Some time about a few months ago, I thought of leaving the company because I didn't know why the heck I was there, but I stayed because I needed the money to support myself in classes and such. In May, I pretty much wrapped up all my classes, and in June, I finally decided to leave that gig. At the time I was about to exit, some community work came up. So I took the chance and applied for that community gig. I felt so confident about changing up my life again, ready to dig deep into that 9-to-5, ready to make acting just my side gig. It was as if god was testing me, to see how much I was willing to hold out with acting. I can't believe how fast I thought about applying for something else. I guess I secretly crave for that stability.

In the end, I didn't end up getting it. And this is funny, because something similar happened to me right after I graduated college-- I applied for something in DC, but they never got my app, and I took a 360 and decided to take an acting class. Believe me, I felt completely beat up after not getting the community gig. I felt as if I have failed again. But somewhere along the lines, I realized how much work I still have/want to do in acting. I shouldn't give up. I'm still hungry to learn more, and I still want to work on it. It's a process, and I ain't done.

Now, I just need to figure out a way to live for the next few months. But deep down within me, I feel like this is a blessing in disguise: god is telling me to hold on and not let go. This is another curve he is throwing me to test my resilience.

I shouldn't give up. I won't give up. I'll keep on going.

Patience

For the past week or so, a lot of thoughts swam through my mind. I became hyperconscious of these thoughts, and most of them are somewhere along the lines of: have I done enough? Am I doing anything? Or what have I done? In other words, I keep stressing about how far I still need to go, rather than how far I've come. For me, it's easy to compare myself to x, y, and z. I think it's a natural thing for me to do... maybe because I used to be an overly competitive person. Over the college years, that sense of competitiveness died out because I was more focused on learning rather than numbers. At some point, I loathe people who worry about that GPA. I very much felt relaxed and enjoyed learning much more.

I don't know why that sense of needing to be at the finish line is resurfacing these days. I guess it's because of uncertainty? Other than that, it's just about sitting back, and enjoying the ride. Maybe it's not about the end product, and much more about the process. Maybe our sense of reaching success (however you define it) can overpower your sense of doing work. How can one let go of that sense of wanting to get there? I'm still trying to figure it out. I guess that's only human?

Sometimes letting go is the easiest thing to do, but often forgotten.

And I guess someone in class said something that really spark this thought process, and it goes:

older dude to a younger dude: how old are you kid? YD: it doesn't matter. OD: well, I've been in the game longer than you. You've got years ahead of you.

It's about the process. It's about patience. Do the work, sit back, and enjoy the bumpy ride. If you can't handle turbulence, get off the ride, and take another train.

That is life. I'm still learning.

Unfocused

There's a lot of distraction these days. I find myself reaching for the phone or watching YouTube videos when I'm supposed to be writing, practicing acting, and focusing on what's important. Sometimes i wonder if i have ADHD .. but i don't think so. I guess the real problem, when I'm writing, is that I'm afraid of writing something that is stupid. I always tend to criticize myself when it comes to writing and i just stop after a scene, or i write and wonder where I'm going with what im writing. I shake my head and then drift off to my phone/internet. Yeah, i have problems focusing.

I guess outlining helps. Sometimes when i write, i come up with these images on the side, and then i write those out. My mind wanders so many times that it's scary. Is there a cure for this?

Should i go phoneless / work in an area without wifi/internet connection?

I tend to write a lot when I'm taking the train (no internet!). Usually because it's the morning, my mind is fresh and i freewrite. I read back what i write when I'm at work or at home when it's really late and then i begin to edit. Then i leave it alone for a few weeks and read it to see if that's what i wanted. If not, i'll just rewrite.

I don't know why I'm writing this post. Maybe it's a way for me to sort out some bad habits and patterns i have.

I need to break 'em. And focus.

first audition

My first audition happened when I was 17 and it was for 2g, an Asian American Theatre Company; they were casting for a series of 10 minute plays. I browsed through the cast descriptions and found a play casting a 17 year old girl. That's me, i thought! And then I read on: To submit yourself for a role, you need to send in a headshot and resume. I didn't have either. So I immediately went into the bathroom and took a selfie of myself with a WongFu t-shirt and a big ass smile with braces. I consider that as my first headshot. I printed out the headshot on printer paper, and thank god I have enough color ink! I sent the headshot and resume in, and heard back within a day with audition info. Whao, now I have a chance. The audition was held right across the street from The Public Theatre. I ran up the stairs and saw people waiting. I asked if this was the spot, and someone said yes. I took a side and sat on the floor. A girl directly across from me was prepping. And by prepping, I mean, she really got into the character. Like in it in it. It was quite scary.

They finally called my name, and I went into the room. There were two guys in the room, one man named Lloyd (the person who I was emailing with) and the reader. He was super friendly and said "Oh, you're the girl with the braces!" It was quite cool because I'll be so believable for a 17 year old. I read through the whole scene twice and then it was over. I awkwardly stumbled my way out of the room. It was pretty nerve-wrecking, but it was my first glimpse as to what the audience process involves.

In the end, I didn't get the part. I went to watch the show and saw some many talented people on the stage. I wondered what I had to do to get to their level.

After not getting the part, I found out a month later that I didn't get in the three Drama Programs I applied for. It was a real bummer for me, and I wondered if acting was right for me. I questioned myself again and again, until the thought of being an actor just faded away. I knew deep down within me there's this tiny voice telling me I want to become one -- but how?

After getting back into the craft several years later, I realized it's more about persistence than anything else. Sure, when I was 17 I was completely devastated in not getting the part. But I think that re-routed me into a different path, into a non-actors path, and then getting back on it. This first audition taught me if you have a love for something deep within you -- you'll someday run back to it. And when you get reunited with the craft and nothing changes, you will know it's love.

Processing

Tonight, i fucked up. In Scene Study class. I was doing a scene from THE MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE HAT, and i am still trying to process the reasons why it happened the way it happened. And I'm not trying to linger in it, I'm just trying to figure out why so I don't ever do it again. Process. So the scene is about two lovers. The guy comes home with a job, the girlfriend gets excited, they were gonna get busy, but she wants to shower first. He discovers a hat and questions her why is there a hat that doesn't belong to him, she denies the fact the hat has anything to do with her. He confronts her and ask why the bed smells like someone just had sex, she says he's crazy and making up things in his mind, he says maybe I am crazy but who is the guy with the hat/slept on this bed? She tries to get him to go to the pie place to talk it out, he agrees.

That's the story. For some reason, after we built the set and the scene started, there was a moment of oh-shit. When we met up to run lines, we did it in a specific way--we made a lot choices with accents, how the character is acting at this point. After we split, I gave myself things to do in the room during certain lines. The way I read or imagine the character stays with me though, and when I performed in class today, and everything I/we prepared pretty much went sour. We didn't say it like the way we rehearsed it, and we were lost.

As i'm writing this, i realize one of the biggest problem i made. I went ahead of myself.. or i had an idea how the scene was supposed to go--how to act it, how it should sound. l almost forgot the thing i told myself to do.. which is.. to let it all go. Get down to the story, and never get to your head about what should/should not happen. Just go with the flow and let the story take you to that landing point.

As I'm realizing this, I know what to do for next week. Still processing what happened this week, but I should just let that go too. Just gotta keep working on it.

Process!!!

fresh start

The year 2014 arrived around three weeks ago, and as usual, I left this blog .. un-updated. A lot has happened since the last post, but I didn't write about it. I should really put myself on a schedule. Perhaps one post per week? That's not too much to ask, right Judy? I started the Solo Show and Scene Study class at TBG. Both is like a fresh start. Previously, I was in the 1.5 year program, and after a year, you just get accustomed to everyone in the class and everything becomes the usual. Or to be it bluntly, I desperately wanted to start off in another class. Maybe I had a slow start in the 1.5 year program? Maybe I didn't connect or work with as much people as I had hoped? Anyway, the Solo Show class is all about developing the writing/storytelling process; the Scene Study is a continuation of developing the tbg tools and giving yourself directions/self-adjustments. Both classes complement each other, and I can't wait to perform segments of the solo show to put everything i learned into prospective.

But to go off on the process of the solo show for a bit: I feel stuck. Not stuck in the sense of i don't know what i'm writing. But stuck in the sense that i know what i want to say, what kind of story i want to tell. I tell this to my brother, and he plain said my story isn't juicy enough. He asked: if you were an audience member, will you buy a ticket to watch your show? Honestly! So, that's why i'm stuck.

Maybe i should just flip the finger and follow my gut into telling the story i want to tell. Yes, i'll do that.

Fresh start to the new year, and my motto for 2014? Don't give a fuck about what others think or say.