CAAMFest 2016

Abe Ferrer from LAAPFF, Haisong and I from AAIFF, and Masashi Niwano from CAAMFest. I love these people. <3

First off, welcome to my new website. It took a lot of time to consider switching from Wordpress to SquareSpace. Alas, I did. It is awesome.

I just got back to NYC from CAAMFest around Monday, March 14~ midnight. Ok, now's the real deal: it's hard for me to admit, but CAAMFest saved me in a lot of ways. Before the trip, I kept thinking back on 2014--the first time I was at CAAMFest--about how in awe I was at their production, at their community, and at their mass of folks who came out to attend the festival. In 2014, I attended the festival with Rémy Martin to work with them to follow through on a sponsorship deal. In 2016, I'm thrilled to say that I'm with the Asian American International Film Festival in NYC. I felt like a little girl squealing on the inside being there because there were so many people who are an important part of the Asian Pacific American community, whether in the arts, politics, or plain ol' community organizing.

Haisong and I in front of the Castro Theatre -- CAAMFest's Opening Night venue.

Haisong, the Program Manager for AAIFF, and I saw TYRUS, CAAMFest 2016's Opening Night Presentation. It was such a beautiful and touching film about Tyrus Wong, a painter and all around artist (he worked on Bambi but never got credited). He grew up at a time where not a lot of Asian Americans pursued the arts. He did it anyway because painting was something he loves to do. The crazy thing is: he's more than a hundred years old, and he was alive and there at the theatre! He's definitely an inspiration to all the artists out there because he said "I'm not that talented, but I work hard." Props to that!

Alright, I think now is a good time for me to make a confession. Aside from attending Opening Night, MASTER OF NONE Panel, Festival Social Club, Filmmakers' Brunch, Digital Media Panel, and FAST&FURIOUS TOKYO DRIFT, I completely wrote down the wrong date for the Programmers Meetup. That meeting was key, in that festival folks from SF, LA, Philly, Boston, and San Diego talked about programming and how we can all work together in whatever capacity. I was such a dweeb in that I wrote down the date as Sunday, March 13 at 2:30-3:30pm, but in actuality, it was on Saturday, March 12. That move was a total fail move. Til this day I feel guilty. Because I had so much to ask and so much to soak in. I guess I'll get notes from one of those guys. 

One of the highlights of CAAMFest was attending the MASTER OF NONE panel with Kelvin Yu and Alan Yang. I'm a huge fan of the show, so when news got out that the panel went to rush, and that there's no more industry tickets, I was like nooooo. I died a little on the inside. But luckily, I got in. (Thanks, Kelvin!) Just watching the PARENTS episode again and hearing them talk about their journey into acting/writing was pretty inspiring. Kelvin talked about how he held stereotypical roles and then one day realized the leading man can never be him, so he went into writing. Damn, that was real. Alan talked about his childhood, friendship with Aziz Ansari, shows he worked on over the years, and finally taking two years to craft and execute MASTER OF NONE. All their anecdotes remind me: making art and putting it out is a long and hard process / telling great stories = key.
One little crazy thing on this day: I bumped into Dari from Smith! OMG. Small freakin' world. She lives in SF now. She saw a film at CAAMFest and they announced the party at Slate. She came. We screamed cuz we haven't seen each other in such a long time. (Great seeing you Dari <3 :D)

Aside from CAAMFest, I took time to explore the Mission, the Castro, and revisit Chinatown. I saw Candy and Carmen from Smith, and Sabrina and Paul from UC PPIA. I haven't seen these people in almost two years, and I had a ball catching up with them. Not to mention, we had some great food and conversations. Mainly being almost going into our late twenties, where we're at in our careers right now, and how scary the future may seem.

So in the beginning of this blog post, I said CAAMFest saved me in many ways. I want to take time to write everything out. Before the trip, I had this weight on my shoulders. I don't know what it is, but I was stressed, anxious, and borderline feeling quite empty. What does doing work for Asian CineVision and writing that solo show really mean? I was lost. Really lost. Am I still at the same place I was in 2014? I kept thinking how I'm ever going to make a living doing both of these things I love. How can I explain it to my family and friends, and even if I explain it, will they understand? Everybody around my age, say 26 or 27 or 28, are finally settling into their jobs, traveling the world, or even getting married or at least boo'd up. I feel like I'm trailing so far behind in life. But then CAAMFest reminded me of something: it is the journey that matters. Art is a marathon, not a sprint. Art takes time. Life takes time. Time is now. Live in the present. Take it one day at a time. Ask for help. Stop worrying. Breathe. 

After this trip, I found a new sense of peace within me. The type of peace that allows me to know that everything is going to be okay. Everything, will be okay.

ALLEGIANCE

The skinny: ALLEGIANCE is amazing. Go watch it! The longer version: Preface: this is my first time watching a musical on Broadway. This is my first time watching an ASIAN AMERICAN musical on Broadway. I must be dreaming. That's what I was thinking throughout the whole time I was watching the show this past Sunday.

To be honest, I've heard bad things about the show from theatre critics. I won't go into it here. So naturally, I had a doubt--should I go and watch this? Or should I stay home and snuggle with HBO and Netflix? I'm so glad I went to watch it.

I was completely blown away at the production value of this musical. From the lighting, to the sound, to the acting, singing, dancing, and movement on stage--every bit of the show captured my attention. Is now a good time to confess that I fall asleep in major Broadway plays? Even though it was a musical, the music did not distract me from listening to the story. If anything, it enhanced the story. In terms of performance... I don't even know where to begin. Lea Salonga's voice carried the show. George Takei's humor added color to the darkness of the theme. Telly Leung's swag... you'll have to see it for yourself.

As an Asian American Studies major who learned about the Japanese Internment through literature and history books, I was nerding out the whole entire time. I was crying half the time because they depict the internment in an entertaining, yet very real/raw way. Yes, there was discrimination. Yes, there was injustice. And no, the writers did not water it down. It was told, as is.

As an actor, it's unbelievable to see a stage full of Asian American actors telling an Asian American story. Insane. It gives me so much hope for the future of having Asian American stories told on stage.

It's closing in 11 days, so get your tickets today before it gets sold out. Don't get left out; don't catch FOMO, just GOGOGO!

This is the first, but definitely not the last show.

Gotta keep on trucking. #hustle

2016 hustle

Has it already been two weeks since 2016 arrived? Usually people write out their new years resolution the week before or the hour before the year ends. Me? I wait till two weeks later because... well... 2016 was off to a great start where I blacked out during New Years Eve, as in, I fell in the shower a few times and threw up like crazy the next day. In other words, a crazy hot mess. Sorry to everyone who had to witness that. 2015 was a crazy year, and it ended like how the year went: a mess. I'm never going to do that again and will carbo-load before. Promise.

Ok, 2016, let's see. This is going to be crazy or sound crazy, but my main hustle this year is to put on the solo show. Aside from a side hustle here and there to make some pocket cash, nothing else. Solo show, you be my main boo boo.

In the past, I committed myself to so many things that I put my passions and goals in the backburner. This year, nuh-uh! I'm gonna focus on me and pursuing the arts 100%. No. More. Distractions. And no one can stop me. What does this mean? It means I can't chill/frivolously spend money. Sorry, if you calling to chill, I'm gonna be like: "if I can't bring over a bottle of wine and some fruits or cookies, I ain't  coming."

Another thing is: I might be sassy for a while. The character I created is so damn sassy--sassy like Cookie Lyon from EMPIRE. She is scared, but she is driven. She needs to be sassy to get through tough times. I normally have a fraction of her sass, but these days, I'm honing myself to have more of that so that I can own more of her/the stage. It might change me, but it is a good thing. Time to let the inner freak out.

Speaking of freak(y), taking this next step is the freakiest. This is where I have to find a director to work with to refine the work. When you write something for the past two years, you think everything you write is awesome--or at least you're protective of it. But once you hand it over to the director, (s)he can add/subtract what you've already written. It's a collaborative effort, and it's an important one. It's gonna be tough to find someone who wants to work with this piece. I already reached out to someone whom I see fit, but will that person agree? I don't know. I really hope we can work out something amazing. Crossing fingers. Until then, please pray for me.

I'm also going to be in San Francisco in March 9-17 for CAAMFest and Los Angeles in April from April 20-29 for LAAPFF. If you're around, holla at ja gurl. Would love to see you. And do you have a couch or floor space? I need a spot to crash. Help an artist out. :-)

The hustle stays real in 2016. What is something you've always wanted to do creatively? Start in 2016, dammit. Just do that shizzzzz!

Ok?

Good.

2015

Today is Christmas Eve. Meaning 2015 is 'bout to be over, which means it's a great time to sum up what happened this year. 2015 is a year filled with emotions. Early on, I found out something that I spent two months crying about it. I cried about it on my way to work, at work, after work, on my way home, at home... you get the point. Then, about a third way through, I thought I fell in love for the first time. I cried about it on my way to work, at work, after work, on my way home, at home... you get the point. The thing is, I cried a lot; and maybe that's how I got the eye infection. But all that crying taught me, it's okay to cry about things. It's okay to let it all out. And in the end, everything is going to be okay. Two important things I learned: people are the way they are; accept them as they are. Never never never never never never put your mind/body/soul on the line for anyone who doesn't give two shits about you. Life is too short to waste your energy on people who ain't even matter. Go through the 'mo gracefully, walk out gracefully--cuz in the end, you doing what's right for yourself is what matters. All in all, I found an emotional strength within myself that I thought I never had. It look a while for me to realize how much I can handle; but alas, you live and you learn.

2015 is a year of balance. I worked a full-time job at AALDEF (Asian American Legal Defense and Education Fund) to support my dreams of one day becoming a full-time artist. I finished up the contract towards the end of May, and then woke up the next day ready to work with AAIFF (Asian American International Film Festival). I picked things up quite easily again since I've done it before; it's just the time deadlines this time around that made it challenging. Well guess what!? I love me a challenge. I worked with such a great team to make AAIFF what it is--and then it was over. I still think about how much we had to do to make the film festival what it is, and how much fun we have when guests and audience members come to town. Both AALDEF and AAIFF is all about community and social justice--representation in legal/media fronts, so it motivates me to keep doing work. It's tiring; it's tiring; but sometimes, it's all worth it.

2015 is a year I started to write again. I topped the year off by binge writing the solo show (a solo show is a theatre piece performed by one person) for two weeks straight. Then I submitted the rough draft to the New York International Fringe Festival (it's a theatre festival that happens in NYC every summer). Then I got rejected towards the end of April. No biggie ya know, cuz this industry, and in life, you get no's 99% of the time. I got hurt and thought about giving up; gave up looking at the solo show piece for the entire summer; BUT, I realized how much I believed in the story, picked up my laptop, edited, wrote more, took out some, edited more, and BAM, I finished writing a third draft in October right before I left for Asia. I printed out and took the piece to Hong Kong and Japan with me, hoping I'll memorize it. Well, I memorized freshmen/bits of sophomore year at the very least. I'm still memorizing it. I have eight more pages to go. I got this.

2015 is a year for an upgrade. I took two acting classes at the Barrow Group Theatre to continue to work on the craft, and then got casted in a 15 minute play. I also got my headshots retaken by the talented talented David Noles and beautiful/masterful makeup artist Anna. I printed them and printed out new business cards too. I invested a portion of my earnings on these marketing materials, and I love it! You sometimes have to invest in you to grow your business. So spend money, and do it right. Upgrade yourself.

2015 is a year for travels. I went to Philly twice for work--once in January to meet with elderly Chinese voters who didn't get to vote, and then in the summer for a photoshoot with Nom Wah Tea Parlour. I think it's a quaint city I did not have the time to personally explore. I'll be back! In November, I spent the entire month in Asia. 15 days in Hong Kong, 3 days in Macau, then 10 days in Japan. I spent time with family and some friends in HK, explored Macau without going into the casinos, and then went nuts and fell in love with Japan. All this time in Asia allowed me to really sit down and reflect on the bigger picture--what is it that you're trying to do, Judy? Are you doing enough of it? Keep ya ass moving and stop thinking and start doing shit. Ok? <-- yeah, that's how I talk to myself. Bahaha.. Tough love (aka the ways Asians make it through in life).

That pretty much sums up 2015 in a nutshell. I have a lot of GOALS I wanna accomplish in 2016 that I'll write out in another post. Keeping the hustle alive and keeping my eyes wide open for the upcoming year, so let's end 2015 with a big bang. 

Bang on, my friends. (Ok, that sounded weird, but who gives two shits!?)

Au Revoir HK and Japan

  I'm finally back! After almost a month in Hong Kong and Japan, I'm finally back in New York friggin' City. In Hong Kong, I mainly spent time with the fambam since all of my mom's fam is still in HK. In Japan, we (my bro and I) hung out with my bro's high school buddies. It was so much fun! I snapchatted and took pictures the whole time. One thing I'm sad about is that I didn't vlog this time around. I guess a picture is worth a thousand words? I'm still a bit jet-lagged from the trip. I would wake up in the middle of the night and couldn't fall asleep for another two hours (thank lord for Instagram and Twitter). BUT, I'll wake up around 10/11am. I wonder when this will subside--maybe another week or so?

I also got an eye infection about a week into the trip. Just my luck. Still recovering..

After the trip, I reflected and wrote down some notes for both HK and Japan. It's stuff I've been thinking while at both locations, but didn't have the time to write it down cuz by the time the end of the day rolled around (usually around 9pm), I was muy tired from walking all day.

Alright, here we go...

Hong Kong 1) Imagine NYC. Multiply that density by 2-3 times. That's how many ppl there are in HK.. walking on the streets/getting on the subway, or as they call it: The MTR. 2) People walk in an insanely fast pace. On really crowded streets. Watch your purse. Keep your eyes wide open. 3) People always talk about that New York hustle like it's something. Wait 'til you go to HK. 4) There's no napkins on the dining table, and sometimes there's no toilet paper. Always bring your own pack of tissue. Keep like at least two packs of tissue in your bag. 5) Their water isn't as clean as NYC, so do not drink it. Even if you're really thirsty. 6) Happy Hour in HK is $5HKD. It's unreal. That's less than $1USD. (At Lilly's). Go to the 6th floor. The 5th floor is more like a dinner spot. 7) The RMB (China's currency) is currently worth more than HKD. 8) When you walk, always bare left. 9) When taking a two-story bus, and if it's empty when you hop on, try to run upstairs and grab the front seat. It'd be a heck more of a ride. 10) No, people aren't arguing or have anxiety. That's how loud people talk, and that's how people act, they just can't keep calm--well in certain parts of HK anyway.

Japan 1) It's my first time here (Tokyo, Osaka, Kobe, Hakone)! Everything is so beautiful and cute. 2) Alright, how come all the girls here are walking in heels? 3) This place is just as crowded as HK. Well, Tokyo anyway. 4) Ok, not sure if we should bare right or left here. Follow the arrows on the stairwell in the subway station. 5) If you're not going to multiple cities and just visiting Tokyo, DO NOT buy the JR Pass. 6) Omakase is half the price of what you get in NYC--with better fish. 7) There's a lot of root vegetables (mashed up in a form of gelatin) you might not have had in your past life; eat it anyway. I heard it's good for you. 8) There's ice cream. Lots of ice cream. 9) If you can, just bring a budgeted amount of cash from your bank account. Otherwise, your account will be empty by the end of your trip. 10) You will want to buy everything. Stop. Take a deep breath. Ask yourself, do I really need this? Or better yet, do I have space in my luggage for this? The answer will surprise you.

On both 1) If you're a budget traveler, use AirBnb to save on living costs. Yes, you might end up far off from a train station, or live in a motel converted to mini living spot that fits the AirBnB standards, but it will cost a fraction of, say, a hotel (even if you split it between a few peeps). 2) Never discount the tastiness of street food. Not only does it taste good/good for the soul, it also says a lot about the culture. 3) Always haggle. 4) Monitor the weather conditions at least a week before you go, and ask friends who live there for clothing advice. I ended up bringing fall weather clothes to HK when it was 88 degrees outside. It was hot! 5) Buy the Octopus (HK) and Pasmo IC (Japan) cards for the metro. You just have to beep in and out of the station instead of always buying single tickets. It's like the Metrocard, but waaaaaay cooler.

Ok, I miss these places already. When can I go back? :P

Have you ever been to Hong Kong or Japan? What do you think?

Homecoming King

Dude, i just got the bill to renew the domain + privacy protection for this website and spent almost a G. I need to start blogging more, or I'll hate myself. Lately, I've been watching a lot of standup shows, mainly on the internet, and occasionally, in real life (sorta like how ppl live now, eh?). Today, i had dim sum with the #aaiff2015 crew at my mom's bakery, and since i didn't plan anything for lazy Sunday, i decided to go to Cherry Lane Theatre to buy a ticket to watch Colin Quinn on stage. On my way to the box office, boom, i saw Hasan Minhaj's solo show poster. I heard about the show a few days ago on Instagram and saw an NPR tweet on it, so i was like, i should watch it! As i got to the box office, boom, a stack of tickets at the price of a movie ticket, caught my eyes. And guess what? It was Hasan Minhaj's show!! It was fate. Of course I asked for the tickets in front of my eyes, but low and behold, the box office ticketer said it was a promo that expired. I did snag $20 tickets though. Score!

I decided to Instagram the show poster and tweet about it. I didn't know what to expect from the show, given that I didn't know much about this dude, except that he works with Trevor Noah on The Daily Show, and that he is a standup comedian. I was jammin' to the hip hop walk-in music, sat where my ticket allowed me to sit, and the usher asked if i wanted to sit in the front. I was like hell to the fuckin yes!

The show blew my mind. From beginning 'til the end. He did it stand-up style and i followed him throughout the show. That swag was real!! If you've ever been an outsider, you will feel his story. He talked a lot about love, family, expectations, and that sense of belonging every kid of color wanted/thought about (maybe I shouldn't speak for everyone--cuz maybe some people fit in just fine). His stories about assimilation in suburbia made me ball like crazy. Even though I didn't grow up in the suburbs, i was always the fat kid trying to fit in, so i get it. All that family talk was so real, I couldn't stop laughing. I laughed until I cried, and then cried a little for real towards the end of the show. I only had one piece of tissue in my pocket, and i didn't have enough to wipe my tears. Oh man. 

This coming of age tale was touching. He threw in a lot of cultural references from his Muslim background. I mean, I'm Chinese, but i found myself saying yes, or mmhmm so many times. I can relate to it on so many levels.

If you're in NYC, love going out to watch films, standup, theatre, or just good storytelling in general, this show is for you. Walk, no, run there now!! Or as i tweeted earlier, AHORA!!

I guess since I'm an actor and writer, i felt every ounce of his show. This truly motivated me to keep on writing that second draft. I'm this 👌🏻 (if it ain't showing, it is an okay emoji with a gap) close to finishing the second draft. Time to get to it!! 

Gotta keep that hustle flow alive.

Emmspiration

I just finished watching the Emmys. It's my first time watching it from beginning to end. When I first turned on the television, my mom was like, "why are you turning on the television?" I chuckled, knowing this is the fifth time this year I turned it on to watch something, since we all watch stuff on our laptops nowadays. About 20 minutes in, the Emmys finally started. My mom and I were eating dinner while it played in the background with my eyes glued onto the screen. I simply cannot keep my eyes off the tv. As I am a slow eater, my mom was done with her food. I was still staring at the screen. She turned around again to look at the tv to see what I was watching. She asked, "Why are you even watching this? It wouldn't serve you in any way to see other people claiming awards. You should look at the job application your father brought home instead. Find a real job and not work for organizations that lead nowhere." At that point, my heart sank. How can I explain to her that people on screen--actors, writers, directors, artists--are the people I'm aspiring to be? Will she understand? Or will she shrug me off like all the other times I try to explain myself?

While watching the Emmys, I was trying so hard to spot out other Asian American creatives on the screen, so when the time comes, I can point to it and say, "Ma, look!" But none showed up. I was like dammit.

I got so emotional watching the Emmys. There were two moments that hit me so hard: when Uzo Aduba went on stage and gave thanks (I finished season 3 of ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK today), and also the moment when Viola Davis said, "The only thing that separates women of color from anyone else is opportunity. You cannot win an EMMY for roles that are simply not there." Damn. I couldn't even contain my tears. At this point of the show, my mom already passed out in front of her phone, so I can't tell her what this all means.

I just know that watching the Emmys gave me a sense of hope. With no one in my family, except my brother, who knows what I go through on a daily basis, this gives me hope that someday, there will be more and more diversity on screen / behind the scene.

Sometimes when I have no one to tell these things to, I just write it down or blog about it. I have clouds of blues floating over me these past couple of weeks--because of both personal and professional reasons--and I'm slowly recovering and becoming stronger. Slowly, but surely. I know these hard times are here because I'm supposed to learn and grow from these experiences; so I will, and I must.

I have to fight everyday with myself and my closest loved ones (like my mom) for this dream. It's so hard, and everyday I think about giving up. But something deep down within me tells me not to. And so, I will not. I will not give up. There is hope.

Letting go

I have been thinking about writing this post for a while now, so I told myself to write it before I forget it. Shorty, but a goodie. The topic is about letting go.

Letting go is something so easy in concept, but to do that in real life, it's hard--very hard. No matter if it's a job or a friend whom you were once close to - now, now you have to wake up and realize what you had is over.

Sometimes I will recall what once was and wonder what could have been. I'll read articles and ask friends for advice. I tried so hard to get myself out of that rut / hole.. taking in distractions whenever I can, but then thoughts will creep in, and the cycle will repeat itself again. Why is it so hard to let go of something that never belong to you in the first place? Why bother?

And so I thought about it over and over again, and came to a conclusion that it's hard because we once cared so deeply, and to realize it's all for nothing, it can be a little disheartening. But I learned a very important lesson: always take chances--what's the worst that can happen? Even if you fall flat on your face, it's only gonna hurt for a little bit, and then you heal and realize you learned something. Sometimes, that's all that matters.

Enjoy the ride, people!

Explorations

Wow, I haven't updated this blog for far too long.  I've been hiding under the rock with the 38th Asian American International Film Festival (AAIFF)--can't believe another year of the festival is over! It's been four weeks since the festival ended, and I finally feel recovered (working 20 hour days really takes a toll on your body!) and am able to write and reflect a bit. This year, it came and passed so quickly. In a way, I miss all the craziness--the chaos, the shock, the adrenaline. So many people were here for the festival, so many filmmakers, friends, and audience members from out of town was here. Afterall, the festival is about creating conversations with creatives behind the scenes, and I can't express the amount of gratitude and respect for everyone brave enough to make art and show it to the world. Props! (Insert clapping hands emoji here)

What's next?

As for the creative things in life:

Acting-wise, I'll be working on a project. What project!?! Well, secret secret until it all comes together. Will write more about it soon. Stay tuned.

Modeling-wise (first time!), I was in Philly last weekend for a shoot with Nom Wah Tea Parlor. Nom Wah is a dim sum restaurant based in NYC, and have recently expanded to Philly. My childhood friend and talented photographer, AnRong Xu, told me about the project, and I, loving dim sum + Nom Wah + wanting to collaborate with AnRong for a while now, jumped at the opportunity. It's my second time visiting the state of brotherly love. First time, it was for work with AALDEF (speaking with Limited English Proficient elderly voters), and this time, it's sorta for work but not really because it was so much fun taking pictures in front of Philly's landmarks--the Philadelphia Museum of Art, Liberty Bell (we didn't make it in.. the line was long), Independence Hall, Board Game Art Park, Italian Market, Schuylkill Rivers, and last but not least, Chinatown. I also had the pleasure to meet my partner-in-crime in the shoot, Ms. Betty Jiang, and also fabulous producer, Barbara Leung. We ended the shoot in South Philly, and went to THE BEST pho place ever called Pho75. We ate in silence.. that's how good it was. Pictures will be forthcoming (before the food belly). I had an amazing time in Philly and I cannot wait to find an excuse to go back. I want to do all the touristy stuff and really experience the city. ^-^

Writing-wise, believe it or not, I'm going to keep rewriting the solo show. Ain't gonna give up on that baby because I believe in the story so much. I know what is missing. The things leading up to a great ending.  Also heartfelt things. Things I was too scared to write into because I wasn't sure if it'll please the audience. But after reading a lot of writing tips from writers, they say, never try to please the audience and just write from the gut. So you will get guts, GUTS--watch out world!

As for life in general:

I've been reading a lot lately. Reading is one of my favorite pastimes. I picked up Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari and read it within two days. Very hilarious and insightful if you're a modern dater. I admit it, I suck at dating and I give up. I foresee myself ending up with a book and Pikachu for the rest of my life--and scary enough, I'm okay with that.  After finishing that, I'm now starting Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson. I'm only on page 37 at the moment, but will continue and reflect more soon.

I'm currently planning a month-long Hong Kong and Japan trip with my mom and brother (only with my bro for Japan). I visited HK for several times, but I've never been to Japan. I'm absolutely thrilled and have been mapping out all the different places to hit up. I'm still looking for suggestions though for both HK and Japan, so please feel free to share. Food, nature, any adventurous things, etc. :)

For this upcoming fall, I want to get out more and explore new places within NYC. I've never wandered through Central Park or Prospect Park before, so I will do that. Gotta also check out Dumbo at night (all the public art pieces) before it gets any chillier. Woohoo to exploring! :)

I'll post more often from now on. Pinky promise. #keepsmiling :-)

Floating

The other day, I was walking around aimlessly in Manhattan to clear my mind and think about what is going on with life right now. With no particular destination, random thoughts filled my mind--especially dreams and goals I made exactly three years ago. Three years ago, I echoed to myself. Is that a long time? Did I let these three years slip by? Have I been floating? To go off on floating--I finally learned how to swim when I was 21. I was a senior at Smith, have always been afraid of the water because I almost drowned as a kid on a beach trip with my kindergarten class. I thought to myself if I didn't learn how to swim now, I would never be able to learn--or my willingness to learn will diminish as I age. And so, I signed up for the class.

Most of us in the class didn't know how to swim. Some knew how to float and doggy paddle around, but not technical at all. Everyone caught on pretty quicky and began swimming in less than three weeks of class. I, on the other hand, clung on to the wall and was not able to float. I was still deathly afraid of the water, and did not trust myself to let go and let the water in. I went to the pool in the morning, during lunch, and after class; breathe underwater. Just breathe. I was there so often that the lady who works at the pool came over and told me I shouldn't be afraid. "The water will keep you afloat, if only you trust it enough." She told me to trust science and my body. "Let go," she kept telling me. She even demonstrated how to float and pick herself back up from the water. She said it's easy. And so I tried and tried and tried, and failed every single time. Until finally, I was able to float. This was after 5-6 weeks of hanging onto the wall.

The next month, I swam on my back to the 5 ft mark (I'm 5'1). It wasn't until the last four weeks of class that I finally swam to the deep end. Every time I swam, a deep fear surge into my mind: what if I drown? This thought consumed me once or twice as I hit the wall in the deep end. I swam and as I hit the final strokes to the deep end's wall, I lost grip. I had to be saved by the life guard. I shouldn't do this anymore, I told myself. What if I drown?

The last week of Senior year, I went back to the pool everyday--every moment I had. The final test for Swimming 101 was coming up and I knew I had to get over it--especially since the final test was to jump off the springboard into the deep end, and then swim back to the shallow end. Needless to say, I was scared shitless, but I said "it's okay, just jump, float, and swim on your back." There was a huge build-up before I leaped into the water. But I jumped without thinking, pushed against the water, got on my back, and swam the whole lap.. taking in the view of the crevices of the ceiling, flags. Victory--is this what victory feels like? That was the craziest thing I ever had to do.

If I have to compare where I am right now in life (especially acting) with learning how to swim / float, I would say I'm somewhat still standing at the 5 feet mark, wondering if I should swim into the deep end. There is comfort in knowing I can swim to the 5 feet mark and still be able to stand on the pool ground if I become scared. And so, I'm taking laps back and forth within the 5 feet mark, not pushing myself to get further into the deep end because once I leave the 5 feet mark, I will not be able to stand. What if I drown?

I drowned about two months ago--twice. Over the winter, I was lost. At crossroads, I should say. I was motivated to restart the YouTube channel, but stopped after two months because I did not have a clear idea what I should do. It forced me to question deep down: what do I really want to do? And when I repeatedly found myself drifting back to acting and telling meaningful stories, I left YouTube behind. It was painful. That pain motivated me to rewrite the solo show I gave up on last summer when I focused on writing the short film. I picked it up again and began to write and rewrite non-stop for a whole month. I made the deadline for the NY Fringe Festival in mid-January. I was crossing my fingers, full of hope--hoping I can finally share this story with the world. I was rejected on Tuesday, April 28 around the afternoon time. I cried. That night, I went on my first motorcycle ride, and the pain slowly withered away as the adrenaline kicked in. It calmed me down. I didn't look at the solo show for another two months; but now, I'm looking at it again.

This is the point where I'm standing at the 5 feet mark, wondering if I should swim to the deep end. Deep end meaning I might rewrite the whole thing that it's completely different from what I had originally planned. Should I rewrite? What if I drown in the process?

But I know i will float. I will float. Just do it and don't worry about it. Don't think.

You will float. You will swim.

Just swim.

Growth

When i turned 25 last year, i made a lot of promises to myself. To be happy and content, to challenge myself everyday (something along the lines of: do one thing that scares you everyday), to be a better actor, to be a better daughter/friend. A year later, let's just say everything is pretty much still a work-in-progress. At the end of my 25th year of being on this earth, i realize patience is really a virtue, and if you try to rush things, it ain't gonna work. I learned it the hard way. And i also learned that you should take note and move on. I guess one big thing i really learned this year is what love really means. I mean for the first 25.9 percent of my life, love is really pointed towards family, art, and the community. Other than those three things i poured my whole heart into, nothing else really mattered. 

Towards the last days of my 25th year, my bro thought it'd be a good idea for me to start meeting guys. He said if i don't live life, then I'll never be a good actor. In a way, he is right because a lot of scenes are about love, lust, hate, indifference--if i never experience these feelings, i will look phony. So I was somewhat convinced and signed up for Tinder. I had Coffee Meets Bagel last year, but didn't really like anyone on there, and Tinder is the newest, hottest thing, right? So i was convinced.

Going on that first date was extremely terrifying/nerve-wrecking for me. Maybe because in the past, I've gone on dates where I actually met the person before. This time, stranger danger got to me, and i pooped literally three times before i finally met him. In the end, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I deleted the app a few days after because to be honest, I don't think I'm ready to be in anything. Or maybe I'm afraid of getting hurt; and so, after a few weeks and a lot of uncertainty later, I'm just staying put for now. Whether i meet anyone or not, I should focus on bettering myself. I got a career i have to chase after, and i need to focus.

I must say i learned a lot about love. It's messy. It hurts. Turns out there's no such thing. In the end, if nothing else, it's friendship, companionship. Tolerance. I swear I'm not trying to sound jaded, but yeah, that's what I believe love is.. At least for now.

For my 26th year on this planet, i hope to find more clarity. What is it that i really want? What can i do everyday to get to my goal of becoming a film actor? I also want to start counting my blessings. I have family and friends. I have to be grateful to have them in my life. I never want to take anyone or anything for granted. After all, people come into your life for a reason, right?

So to 26, i hope you will continue to teach me what it means to love. If it burns, please know that that's what it takes to grow. 

So here's to growth. 

Cheers!

big day

Today's the big day. No, it's not my wedding with Pikachu. Today is the day where I take the stage and perform for the very first time outside of a classroom setting/school related showcase. Gosh, I'm fuckin' nervous and anxious. But this is normal right? At this point, I'm just psyching myself out. So I want to sit, reflect, and write out reasons why I chose to pursue this profession. I know I write about it a lot here; but checking in with myself once in a while is good for the soul. And right now, I really need to check myself before I wreck myself. Ice Cube anyone? (I had to look up that reference, btw, ha.).

Ok, now where to start? Let me begin by saying I'm almost at my third year of studying as an actor. It's equivalent to studying three years at a law school, except I don't have a law degree, and my mom is not the happiest with me. She thought I'd be a lawyer--or at least that was what I promised her while still in college. After I graduated, I pursued politics in the community; but I really didn't feel that instant connection. Have you ever had that feeling where you know it ain't gonna work out? Yeah, I had that feeling. I jumped the gun after six months and quit my stable job to pursue this crazy thing. Did I ever think about the consequences? I don't think so. I just thought where I was working wasn't really for me, and I constantly dreamed of being a creative, so I jumped. I imagined great things to happen--fast, quick, and painless. But of course, nothing in life is like this. I am reminded everyday that I need to take the time to pursue this craft, that I need to know myself/experience life, that I need to be patient, that I need to work harder and smarter, that I need to realize that if I don't put in the necessary time and emotional patience and connection, I will not go anywhere.

After three years of running around, I can look back and say I've learned a lot of lessons. A lot of time dedicated to this craft, but knowing I can be better. A lot of time/money wasted, but in the end, I learned a lot about auditioning techniques, different casting offices in NYC, and how to proceed in the future. What's most important now is very simple: to do work. And I think that's where this play tonight comes into play.

We've been rehearsing for two months, and we played around with all different possibilities. It becomes looser and looser every time we meet. Process wise, I had a different interpretation of the script from the director--like the script is quite deep and dark, but the advice is: we shouldn't go there. Playing it like it's no big deal.. gives it less pressure. I will take this note and run with it tonight. No matter the outcome, it's always important to just enjoy the moments on stage and have fun. If you're not having fun, then what's the point of the play? It's called a play for that very reason .. right? Play, dammit.

I know in the audience tonight will be a lot of people I don't know. I also know a lot of my close friends and my brother is coming. My mother is not coming because she wouldn't understand anything anyway. I actually had a talk with her this past Tuesday. I, finally, was serious and told her my show is this Saturday, and will you come? She, of course, said acting is a frivolous hobby, and that one should only pursue it as a side thing. I heard those words and cried. Why would she say that if she already knows I've been pursuing it for so long? Or is she still in denial of the fact that I'm not pursuing something more stable? Either way, whether she's there or not tonight, the show must go on. I know she's secretly there in spirit.

So.. if you're free tonight, come and check it out. It's a showcase run by Artistic Asians Run on Shorts. It's the first she-bang, one-night only kind of engagement, and you'd be smoked if you missed it. 8:00-9:30pm EST, DCTV, 87 Lafayette Street, New York, NY 10013. You can still buy tickets at the door.

Afterparty is at South's, 273 Church Street, New York, NY 10013 -- around 10:30pm EST?

See y'all there.

With lots of love and kisses. <3 :)

25

Tomorrow is my bro's birthday--Cinco de Mayo baby! In 27 days, it will be mine. Turning 26, so i guess I'm living my last year of my mid-twenties? Fuck, that is a scary thought. Over the past two months, so much shit happened. A lot of it challenged me to think about what it means to be truly happy. Or at least who I thought i was in terms of politics, identity, and self. Much of what happened cannot be mentioned, but i can honestly say i cried day into the night-time thinking about these things and the people involved. Needless to say, i grew so much. And all this within the last two months.

So I thought it'd be useful to write down a list of things i learned after being on this planet for 25 friggin years.

1) happiness doesn't exist. It's important to see the good in every situation.

2) smile. Even if you're hurting like a motherfucker, smile. You trick your mind into thinking you're happy.

3) be nice to everyone. Even the person making your coffee/waiter, the security at your building, or the cleaning lady. If you're not nice to these people, then you a horrible person.

4) talk to your family. Yes, everyone including parents will be social media/phone addicts, but make sure you call or have some face time with them. If they ignore you, then grab their phones and toss it into a toilet bowl.

5) be open-minded. Maybe someone is different from who you are and where you came from, but that doesnt mean y'all can't be friends.

6) try everything. Food, that is. Hahaha, jk, try everything once. And by everything, i mean everything. You'll be smart enough to never do something you dont like again.

7) find something you love to do and get so good at it that even you say "damn!"

8) don't try to impress everyone. Just impress yourself.

9) success is however you define it. Everybody is doing the best they can in whatever they do; if you're not already doing this, it means you're not doing something you love.

10) be ambitious as fuck. Seriously mediocrity is so overrated. Be the best you can be.

11) dream like there's no tomorrow. You wanna be the top of your company or be your own boss? Make that shit happen.

12) it takes time. Nothing happens overnight. Be patient.

13) enjoy the journey. Things don't happen instantly, you make it happen.

14) set goals. Keep yourself accountable please.

15) fuck up, but know it's ok and just keep going.

16) keep fuckin going. There will be thousands of people, or your group of close friends who tell you it'd be impossible. Do it anyway.

17) never let anyone or anything hold you back. Not even your close ones.

18) people come and go, and it is ok. Other people will come along.

19) everyone you meet will teach you something about yourself.

20) do something that makes you happy everyday.

21) be present. As much as you'd like to plan for the future, be present.

22) dont take life too seriously. 23) just have fun! Laugh about mistakes. Loved someone who wasn't worth your time? Laugh about it! You're not losing out. They're losing out. When you find someone you like, have lots of fun with them.

24) don't think. Do everything without hesitation! Yolo.

25) be passionate as fuck about everything that matters. Pati baby!

And I'm still keeping up with this list, so yeah, i'm living. Long live errrrbody! ;)

Decisions

Am I going through another quarter life crisis? I think so. The first time I had one was when I was 22, working full-time, but really just wandering. Three years later, I still feel the same way. In a way, I'm in a similar position. I'm working full-time now (contracted position that ends in May); but instead of "thinking" about acting, I'm actually doing it. It only took three years to get to this point, where I finally feel I'm capable of taking on new challenges and say to myself, "you got this girl!" in acting, that is. Otherwise, life is still confusing as heck. And that is why I'm writing about it now. Especially today, because today is when I walk into the office of where I work full-time and decide either a) to continue working there while pursuing acting on the side or b) to finish up the contract and just focus on acting. I already know what I want; it's just taking that leap of faith--again--that is scaring the shit out of me.

So why is it that I'm shitting in my pants? Security. Yup, that's the word. When you work full-time anywhere, you get this amazing thing call direct deposit every two weeks, and when you have to pay rent or credit cards, you know there's a stash waiting for you. It feels amazing to have that security. I lost it after quitting that full-time position three years ago, and I lost it again after quitting that temp work one year ago. Every time I quit, it feels great because I'm like fuck-yeah acting, I'm ready for you baby.. and then reality hits, and I realize I'm just starting out, and if I don't get better and get more work out there, then nobody will know/care about me to cast me in anything, and I'll forever be broke. Or even when I produce my own materials, I need money to make it happen. I can't look like I desperately need the job, I need to prove that I'm ready for the job. I need to do more work, and I need money to make it happen.

Ok, so maybe even the position won't continue and I'm just thinking too much. Gosh, I'm getting all worked up over here, but maybe there is no more money and my position will disappear, and I'm just sitting over here writing and getting worked up over nothing. This has happened before, where i worked and naively throught if i work hard enough, i will get paid, but in the end, just left with half and a broken heart.

No matter what happens today, it just makes me real nervous. It feels like a life-changing decision for sure. Maybe I'm just being dramatic, but ... I don't know if I wanna put myself through this shit anymore. I just want to do something that will make me want to wake up everyday and feel excited about the work. But don't we all?

Ahh, I still don't know what I'm going to do. I'll let the boat flow a little and then when it comes time to make that decision.. that's when I'll make it.

Maybe when I'm in the room today, my subconscious will blurt out what I've been thinking all along. Afterall, you can only lie to yourself for so long before the bubble bursts.

Let it go

Yesterday was the last night I got to play Veronica in The Motherfucker with the Hat in class. It was really bittersweet. In many ways, I think Veronica and I have a lot in common (personality wise). Yes, she curses up a storm; yes, she tries to get the last word in; but one thing I admire most about her, is her willingness to wait for her love (Jackie) to come out of jail--even though she cheated while he was in jail. She still loves him and very much wanna be with him. Am I not supposed to reveal that here? Opps. I've never been through anything like that, but I can empathize with both Veronica and Jackie. Their love and relationship, is what I like most about this play. If I were to dream on, I would love to play Veronica on stage someday. I don't know if this play will be put on again, since it already premiered on Broadway in 2011; but it'd be dope. Real dope.

Since I stopped making YouTube videos, I have been focusing on acting (rehearsing a lot more, going over lines on the subway, in the streets, at work talking to myself, literally everywhere) and writing more for the solo show. I felt like I improved a lot just by going up last night. We went first, and I didn't even think about anything, not even the lines. I thought, this is no big deal; I prepared for this. Because I was more prepared,  I was definitely more confident. I was ready to let everything go and just go for it. And it's not like I never prepared before, it's just that, now, because I admitted to myself I wanna fuckin' act and just be, my whole mind and body is just like, you go girl, you got this! I have never felt that way .. well, since 2012 when I started anyway. I keep wondering what took me so long to admit this. How I lost sight of everything else and now i just jump right in. I got lost or distracted along the way, but I'm glad I found a sense of ownership.

Although I found myself last night, I still think about mommalei and what she thinks. She found out through Facebook that I am not gonna do YouTube anymore and was really shocked and sad. She also found out from the same status that I will keep pursuing acting and she immediately flipped out. She went on with the usual (not stable, terrible decision), and the conversation ended as it usually does--we both don't know what to say to each other.

Back then, I care deeply about what she thinks. But last night, last night while I was showering, I was like, whatever. This IS me now. And there's nothing she or anybody can do or say that can stop me from working on this journey. Yes, I'm no longer "hoping" to be in this industry. I will work to make shit happen.

Can't believe it took 28 months, or 2.33 years for me to take charge of this feeling (is my math on point or what?), but I'm glad I fucked around along the way to get to this point. I guess this is life?

I'll keep doing, working, and dreaming. Keep going and don't think! Don't think! ;)

Hanging up the hat

Tonight I had an epiphany. Tonight is the premiere of FRESH OFF THE BOAT on ABC. AB fuckin' C. The network television station with millions of eyeballs--that ABC. It's crazy! There was a huge viewing party at the Circle NYC (typically an exclusive nightclub turned into a viewing room with over 1000 people in the house). It was crazy! There were many moments tonight where the idea of "this is just the beginning" was reiterated. And when Eddie Huang said he hopes this show will inspire others to tell their stories, I lost my shit. I teared up a bit. And when Jeff Yang in the end said that this is not about Eddie's life and about the community, I was like hell to the fuckin yeah!

To put everything into perspective, this is the 2nd time in American history where an Asian American family is featured. The first time was 20 years ago with Margaret Cho's ALL AMERICAN GIRL. 20 fuckin' years ago. That's a really long time. And for this show to come on, the term historic is an underestimated statement.

In a day and age when multi-culti or colorblindness is constantly preached, people need to realize this is a HUGE deal for the Asian American community. And hopefully this is only the beginning.

A lot of thoughts passed through my mind tonight. Most of it was damn; but a lot of other times was: how can I get there? This is and has always been in the back of my mind. I need to re-evaluate what I do, and I've been thinking about this for quite some time, but I'm seriously thinking about discontinuing the  Cantonese Lessons part of the YouTube channel. Maybe it'd be a space where I reflect about my acting career (yes, career!).

I need to focus and not let the outside noise drown out what I really want. I really want to fuckin tell stories through acting and write more stories about the Asian American experience. I really want to tell stories I can be proud of. So this means, I do less of other stuff. And I am cool with that.

I guess my whole intention with starting the channel is to be able to express myself and do something that can benefit others. But the hardest part is to find people who are interested in Cantonese Lessons. Has it been done before? Maybe. With a fuckin gong sound that gets my blood boiling out of the left field. I was trying hard to make it cool and to find people who will care.

Maybe it was the wrong platform. I tried many times, and this time, I'm finally hanging up the hat. I can't say that I never tried. I'll take a moment to take in all this and realize it's okay to try and fall. The only thing is, now when I stand up, I know what I want more than I did before. And that makes it all worth it. I learned a lot about myself through doing this YouTube thing. And I can say that I'm fuckin proud of myself. That's always been the hardest for me, to be at peace with myself. Heck, I still didn't show #mommalei the video, so shit. I'll show her tomorrow morning when she is at work. When she doesn't have to confront me and my decisions of what I want to do with my life. Someday she will come around.

So I'll be blogging once a week instead about acting. I hope you'll still continue to support this journey.

The takeaway: never stop the hustle or never stop dreaming.

Thankful

Happy thanksgiving y'all! It's been a trip, and Election Day is finally, at long last, over over. Everything leading up to that big day felt like a rush, but after ED, everything is so chill now. Traveled to Boston with my colleague and had a lot of fun speaking with old grannies and grampies. A few voters sat me down and told me their life stories. That was my favorite part. I love listening to life stories, especially from the Chinese community in Boston. It's different, yet the same as folks in NYC. You know, immigrant stories.. something I can relate to wholeheartedly. To that experience and my job, I am extremely thankful. I'm also thankful for family and friends. Sometimes people come in and out of your life. Family will always be by your side. sometimes it is easy to distinguish between friends and acquaintances, but I consider everyone I meet a friend. As my friend mentioned the other day, you are friends for a reason; you met by chance for a reason, so for all my friends, I am thankful.

This day puts me on reflecting mode. I took a small break away from acting, but I'm ready to dive back in in January. New year, new beginnings. I'm trying so hard to make everyday a new beginning, so I'm promising myself now that I will keep working on the craft until I get to a level of comfort with being uncomfortable. So hard. Easier said than done, but imma do it. I will. If and when I achieve that level, I will be thankful for taking it up a notch to a whole 'nother level. Keep pushing, yah feel me?

What are you thankful for?

Keep fighting

Today was an amazing day. Finished the short film we've been working on since the summer, and boy, that was an amazing fuckin' experience. Been through thick and thin with this project, and I'm so glad we finished the shooting part. Now the fun part begins--sound & editing. Can't wait for it to come together.

But first, on the experience. Met with the director a few times, rewrote the piece for a gazillion times over the past few months since May.. and still, there needs to be a final touch. Still trying to figure it out. And that's the fun part. The imagination, the point where can translate something we have in our minds into something on screen, and I think that's amazing. I didn't really know what it takes to make something like this, but this experience definitely taught me patience, and the fact that I still have a lot to learn.

Compared to everybody else that's in it right now, I'm still a young and hungry cat looking to see what's out there. I'm constantly searching, maybe soul-searching, to see what's the right fit. Sometimes I think to myself whether what I'm doing now is going to be worth it, but then again, I'm like fuck it, don't think, just do.

A part of me is still stuck between the community vs art route because the community gave me perspective, and I want to be a part of it. I spend a lot of my time thinking about these things because I try to latch on to something of value, and in the end, I don't think I've gained anything. It's terrible and sometimes it eats me up. I always question whether or not the community will be there in the end. I have a deep fear that the answer might not be what I want to hear.

But like my friend said, only you can take you far; only you know what you want most. I didn't even have words to respond to that in the morning. I was just processing his words, like damn, that motherfucker is right. (Excuse the language, been rererereading THE MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE HAT).

Out of all this, I asked myself throughout the day, what makes me come alive, and guess what? The crazy answer, to do art, to tell stories, and to act. Fuckin' crazy I tell ya, but if that's my short answer, that should be something I need to do for myself. Like right now. So I signed my ass up for an acting class in January. I can't fuckin' wait.

What are you most afraid of? What are you doing to conquer that fear?

That thread

It has been 3 years and some change since graduating from college. Time flies. I remember before I graduated from college, I had hopes of working in DC or going straight on to grad school. If you tell me back then I'll have a chance to work in government, I'll say, hey why not. If you tell me back then I'll end up shifting from gig to gig, I'll laugh. Everything I do now is considered a gig, not long term, and I can't really tell you what will happen next year during this time. Sometimes this uncertainty eats me up on the inside, but I know this is the path I took. I have to hold some sort of responsibility for it.

I'm back to working for the community. A nine-month gig doing voting rights. It started out real slow, and now, things are moving at the speed of light. Election Day cannot come sooner. I feel an obligation to do my best because I don't know if they will hire again.

I really like interacting with other folks who works for the community, in NY or elsewhere. I guess that's the thing college really taught me--it taught me how to think critically about the society we live in and how we can work to make it better. It's that thread, that sense of hope that things will get better if we work for it.

I still want to do acting and writing. It's just that I gotta save up enough money to survive when I don't work anymore. I write at night and on the train. I miss that part of me.

I don't know what will happen in a year from now, but all I know is that I still want to work in the community someway, somehow and do art. None of these pay well, but it's good for the soul.

Gotta keep trekking.

This is only a test pt 2

About two nights ago, I bumped into an old high school buddy on the subway platform. It was late.. my bro and I just had a late dinner. It felt odd. If you met me while I was still in high school, you'll probably remember me as an over-achieving, straight-edge type of girl that will cry over an 86. All that because she knew what it was like to fail and hit rock bottom -- but that's another story for another post. The reason why the whole interaction was odd was because neither of us imagined our lives to be where it is today. For some reason, I always imagined myself as someone who will jump head-on into the corporate world and take charge of a company. I guess being politicized in college changed everything.. but then again, that's a different story for another post. Back to this post. I bring this up because at some point within the past month, I thought about doing something else other than acting. For real. For those of you who are artists (starting out/mid-way established), you know you'll always have a gig to support yourself; and for me, I had a temp-gig at this liquor company. Some time about a few months ago, I thought of leaving the company because I didn't know why the heck I was there, but I stayed because I needed the money to support myself in classes and such. In May, I pretty much wrapped up all my classes, and in June, I finally decided to leave that gig. At the time I was about to exit, some community work came up. So I took the chance and applied for that community gig. I felt so confident about changing up my life again, ready to dig deep into that 9-to-5, ready to make acting just my side gig. It was as if god was testing me, to see how much I was willing to hold out with acting. I can't believe how fast I thought about applying for something else. I guess I secretly crave for that stability.

In the end, I didn't end up getting it. And this is funny, because something similar happened to me right after I graduated college-- I applied for something in DC, but they never got my app, and I took a 360 and decided to take an acting class. Believe me, I felt completely beat up after not getting the community gig. I felt as if I have failed again. But somewhere along the lines, I realized how much work I still have/want to do in acting. I shouldn't give up. I'm still hungry to learn more, and I still want to work on it. It's a process, and I ain't done.

Now, I just need to figure out a way to live for the next few months. But deep down within me, I feel like this is a blessing in disguise: god is telling me to hold on and not let go. This is another curve he is throwing me to test my resilience.

I shouldn't give up. I won't give up. I'll keep on going.