Let it go

Yesterday was the last night I got to play Veronica in The Motherfucker with the Hat in class. It was really bittersweet. In many ways, I think Veronica and I have a lot in common (personality wise). Yes, she curses up a storm; yes, she tries to get the last word in; but one thing I admire most about her, is her willingness to wait for her love (Jackie) to come out of jail--even though she cheated while he was in jail. She still loves him and very much wanna be with him. Am I not supposed to reveal that here? Opps. I've never been through anything like that, but I can empathize with both Veronica and Jackie. Their love and relationship, is what I like most about this play. If I were to dream on, I would love to play Veronica on stage someday. I don't know if this play will be put on again, since it already premiered on Broadway in 2011; but it'd be dope. Real dope.

Since I stopped making YouTube videos, I have been focusing on acting (rehearsing a lot more, going over lines on the subway, in the streets, at work talking to myself, literally everywhere) and writing more for the solo show. I felt like I improved a lot just by going up last night. We went first, and I didn't even think about anything, not even the lines. I thought, this is no big deal; I prepared for this. Because I was more prepared,  I was definitely more confident. I was ready to let everything go and just go for it. And it's not like I never prepared before, it's just that, now, because I admitted to myself I wanna fuckin' act and just be, my whole mind and body is just like, you go girl, you got this! I have never felt that way .. well, since 2012 when I started anyway. I keep wondering what took me so long to admit this. How I lost sight of everything else and now i just jump right in. I got lost or distracted along the way, but I'm glad I found a sense of ownership.

Although I found myself last night, I still think about mommalei and what she thinks. She found out through Facebook that I am not gonna do YouTube anymore and was really shocked and sad. She also found out from the same status that I will keep pursuing acting and she immediately flipped out. She went on with the usual (not stable, terrible decision), and the conversation ended as it usually does--we both don't know what to say to each other.

Back then, I care deeply about what she thinks. But last night, last night while I was showering, I was like, whatever. This IS me now. And there's nothing she or anybody can do or say that can stop me from working on this journey. Yes, I'm no longer "hoping" to be in this industry. I will work to make shit happen.

Can't believe it took 28 months, or 2.33 years for me to take charge of this feeling (is my math on point or what?), but I'm glad I fucked around along the way to get to this point. I guess this is life?

I'll keep doing, working, and dreaming. Keep going and don't think! Don't think! ;)

Hanging up the hat

Tonight I had an epiphany. Tonight is the premiere of FRESH OFF THE BOAT on ABC. AB fuckin' C. The network television station with millions of eyeballs--that ABC. It's crazy! There was a huge viewing party at the Circle NYC (typically an exclusive nightclub turned into a viewing room with over 1000 people in the house). It was crazy! There were many moments tonight where the idea of "this is just the beginning" was reiterated. And when Eddie Huang said he hopes this show will inspire others to tell their stories, I lost my shit. I teared up a bit. And when Jeff Yang in the end said that this is not about Eddie's life and about the community, I was like hell to the fuckin yeah!

To put everything into perspective, this is the 2nd time in American history where an Asian American family is featured. The first time was 20 years ago with Margaret Cho's ALL AMERICAN GIRL. 20 fuckin' years ago. That's a really long time. And for this show to come on, the term historic is an underestimated statement.

In a day and age when multi-culti or colorblindness is constantly preached, people need to realize this is a HUGE deal for the Asian American community. And hopefully this is only the beginning.

A lot of thoughts passed through my mind tonight. Most of it was damn; but a lot of other times was: how can I get there? This is and has always been in the back of my mind. I need to re-evaluate what I do, and I've been thinking about this for quite some time, but I'm seriously thinking about discontinuing the  Cantonese Lessons part of the YouTube channel. Maybe it'd be a space where I reflect about my acting career (yes, career!).

I need to focus and not let the outside noise drown out what I really want. I really want to fuckin tell stories through acting and write more stories about the Asian American experience. I really want to tell stories I can be proud of. So this means, I do less of other stuff. And I am cool with that.

I guess my whole intention with starting the channel is to be able to express myself and do something that can benefit others. But the hardest part is to find people who are interested in Cantonese Lessons. Has it been done before? Maybe. With a fuckin gong sound that gets my blood boiling out of the left field. I was trying hard to make it cool and to find people who will care.

Maybe it was the wrong platform. I tried many times, and this time, I'm finally hanging up the hat. I can't say that I never tried. I'll take a moment to take in all this and realize it's okay to try and fall. The only thing is, now when I stand up, I know what I want more than I did before. And that makes it all worth it. I learned a lot about myself through doing this YouTube thing. And I can say that I'm fuckin proud of myself. That's always been the hardest for me, to be at peace with myself. Heck, I still didn't show #mommalei the video, so shit. I'll show her tomorrow morning when she is at work. When she doesn't have to confront me and my decisions of what I want to do with my life. Someday she will come around.

So I'll be blogging once a week instead about acting. I hope you'll still continue to support this journey.

The takeaway: never stop the hustle or never stop dreaming.

Forget the numbers

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about numbers. We live in a number driven society, at least that's how I see it. Numbers as in money; numbers as in metrics. Numbers determine how "successful" you are. In some way or form, I live in this world, where I have to face the realities. On the flip side, I can just  keep going, keep doing the things I love and care about. Why am I bringing up all this?  YouTube. This platform measures how many views you get. When I first started the channel a few years ago, it was fun and it was less about the views and more about creating funny, yet engaging materials. I wasn't a heavy user, by all means. It was just for fun. Even when I recorded monologues, it was for fun.

It wasn't until last year that I paid attention to the numbers that I seriously doubted myself. And it was discouraging. Why spend so much time and effort into something with so little return. And that bitterness pretty much ate me up for a little bit. Then I got over it and didn't post.

This year is gonna be different. Instead of measuring how much I don't get from posting videos, I'll count how much I DO get. I get to practice my speech and my relationship to my camera (OK that sounds weird). By relationship to the camera, I mean just being more comfortable, more confident in my speech and in myself. #workinprogress #progressing err, why am I hashtagging within a paragraph. But I digress.

I actually really enjoy just documenting this journey. I write here, but the visual and sound of it, is what I also want to document.

For now, I'll keep going and ignore the numbers. Someone once said, "if you build it, they will come." Kevin Costner I think. So I'm just gonna keep building and forget the numbers.

Goodbye 2014

Can you believe it's almost the New Years? I can't believe another year passed by so fast and it's been a year full of ups and downs for sure (hint, more ups than downs). For this new year, i hope for my family and friends' health, and working harder in acting and writing. The other day as I was taking the train to work, I thought a lot about what happened in the past year, in terms of just the YouTube channel itself. Yes, I'm back on that baby after a long hiatus. I guess I got caught up doing many other different things, that I gave myself excuses to stop doing YouTube.  In a way, it's to focus more on that short film because that is my ultimate goal--to act and write stories that pertain to the Asian American experience, and more particularly stories in Chinatown, NY. I already have the backbone of the story, just gotta develop that baby.

But back to YouTube. I started the channel when I was a senior in college. It was a fun way for me to express myself during thesis-chaotic-times. I guess back then YouTube was just for fun, but now it's all about very materialistic things. Haul this, favorite makeup that. I'm no beauty guru or stylist, so it's hard for me to follow the trend. But I don't even want to follow the trend because those topics are saturated. I want to do something that piques my interest, which is language and how you can use it in daily life. The language I know and love most is Cantonese, so I hope to do something with it. For now, it's me and pika roaming around nyc with some Cantonese thrown in. Don't know if I should add more or what else I can do. Maybe I'll come up with something cool along the way. I find the only way to figure it out is just to do it. So I'm gonna just dooooo it.

Subscribe for weekly uploads. I would love for you to join in on the journey with pika and me. :)

Thankful

Happy thanksgiving y'all! It's been a trip, and Election Day is finally, at long last, over over. Everything leading up to that big day felt like a rush, but after ED, everything is so chill now. Traveled to Boston with my colleague and had a lot of fun speaking with old grannies and grampies. A few voters sat me down and told me their life stories. That was my favorite part. I love listening to life stories, especially from the Chinese community in Boston. It's different, yet the same as folks in NYC. You know, immigrant stories.. something I can relate to wholeheartedly. To that experience and my job, I am extremely thankful. I'm also thankful for family and friends. Sometimes people come in and out of your life. Family will always be by your side. sometimes it is easy to distinguish between friends and acquaintances, but I consider everyone I meet a friend. As my friend mentioned the other day, you are friends for a reason; you met by chance for a reason, so for all my friends, I am thankful.

This day puts me on reflecting mode. I took a small break away from acting, but I'm ready to dive back in in January. New year, new beginnings. I'm trying so hard to make everyday a new beginning, so I'm promising myself now that I will keep working on the craft until I get to a level of comfort with being uncomfortable. So hard. Easier said than done, but imma do it. I will. If and when I achieve that level, I will be thankful for taking it up a notch to a whole 'nother level. Keep pushing, yah feel me?

What are you thankful for?

Keep fighting

Today was an amazing day. Finished the short film we've been working on since the summer, and boy, that was an amazing fuckin' experience. Been through thick and thin with this project, and I'm so glad we finished the shooting part. Now the fun part begins--sound & editing. Can't wait for it to come together.

But first, on the experience. Met with the director a few times, rewrote the piece for a gazillion times over the past few months since May.. and still, there needs to be a final touch. Still trying to figure it out. And that's the fun part. The imagination, the point where can translate something we have in our minds into something on screen, and I think that's amazing. I didn't really know what it takes to make something like this, but this experience definitely taught me patience, and the fact that I still have a lot to learn.

Compared to everybody else that's in it right now, I'm still a young and hungry cat looking to see what's out there. I'm constantly searching, maybe soul-searching, to see what's the right fit. Sometimes I think to myself whether what I'm doing now is going to be worth it, but then again, I'm like fuck it, don't think, just do.

A part of me is still stuck between the community vs art route because the community gave me perspective, and I want to be a part of it. I spend a lot of my time thinking about these things because I try to latch on to something of value, and in the end, I don't think I've gained anything. It's terrible and sometimes it eats me up. I always question whether or not the community will be there in the end. I have a deep fear that the answer might not be what I want to hear.

But like my friend said, only you can take you far; only you know what you want most. I didn't even have words to respond to that in the morning. I was just processing his words, like damn, that motherfucker is right. (Excuse the language, been rererereading THE MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE HAT).

Out of all this, I asked myself throughout the day, what makes me come alive, and guess what? The crazy answer, to do art, to tell stories, and to act. Fuckin' crazy I tell ya, but if that's my short answer, that should be something I need to do for myself. Like right now. So I signed my ass up for an acting class in January. I can't fuckin' wait.

What are you most afraid of? What are you doing to conquer that fear?

That thread

It has been 3 years and some change since graduating from college. Time flies. I remember before I graduated from college, I had hopes of working in DC or going straight on to grad school. If you tell me back then I'll have a chance to work in government, I'll say, hey why not. If you tell me back then I'll end up shifting from gig to gig, I'll laugh. Everything I do now is considered a gig, not long term, and I can't really tell you what will happen next year during this time. Sometimes this uncertainty eats me up on the inside, but I know this is the path I took. I have to hold some sort of responsibility for it.

I'm back to working for the community. A nine-month gig doing voting rights. It started out real slow, and now, things are moving at the speed of light. Election Day cannot come sooner. I feel an obligation to do my best because I don't know if they will hire again.

I really like interacting with other folks who works for the community, in NY or elsewhere. I guess that's the thing college really taught me--it taught me how to think critically about the society we live in and how we can work to make it better. It's that thread, that sense of hope that things will get better if we work for it.

I still want to do acting and writing. It's just that I gotta save up enough money to survive when I don't work anymore. I write at night and on the train. I miss that part of me.

I don't know what will happen in a year from now, but all I know is that I still want to work in the community someway, somehow and do art. None of these pay well, but it's good for the soul.

Gotta keep trekking.

Keeping faith

I'm riding the D train as I write this. There is a man, who says he is the conductor's friend and a born-again Christian. As a person with no formal religious affiliation, I don't know what that even means. I think it means he was a non-believer and now he is? Either way, he started singing a song about how Jesus sacrificed his life for us, and how no one will do that, and only him. I wouldn't say I'm a religious person. My mom always taught my brother and I to believe in ourselves, and not to believe in anything else. She said religion gets a little messy. It also takes a lot of time and effort to honor something, especially when you're working so many hours a day and have to worry about buying offerings for the gods.. even if it only means oranges and incense.

Don't get me wrong--technically, we're Buddhist. And the only reason why we're Buddhist is because of me. I was a non-stop crying child as a baby, and my grandma suggested that my mom should put up a Buddhist statue. It might stop me from crying, and it did.

I never really saw praying to the Buddha as a religious thing. I always thought it was another way for me to eat more fruits and eat more traditional foods that we only eat during the holidays.

That was until I met a supervisor last year who was a Buddhist. She told me it's more about faith and a way of thinking. Sort of like philosophy. I took what she said and thought it might help my brother, and myself for overcoming the past. Letting go and looking forward. Two things I desperately needed at the time (still do) and will make moving on easier.

That thinking skipped my mind for a few months. Lots happened. Long story short, I lost track on thinking about how faith can ever affect me until I left the job. I felt lost for so long, and I think I'm still in that lost phase. I always wanted to figure out what I wanna do, how to do it, and how to do it now. Especially with that piece of writing/short film I've been working on.

The hardest part is to take a step back, reflect, and figure out a way to move forward. And within that, I realize that maybe I don't really know what I want or what my character wants. I constantly have to go back to the drawing board and did tons of rewrites. I have so many versions of this one character. For a while, I lost faith on writing. What's the purpose of this?

Then, I see the subjects I'm writing floating around in the community. Even though the subjects aren't the main subject of the film (man, am I being vague? Hahaha..), it just kills me to see what people are willing to do to make a buck in nyc. It is weird, but it gave me a sense of hope and faith that I never really had. And so, I went back to the drawing board, and the final draft became a last draft. For one last stab, I thought I finally have something to say.

So what's the point of this all and how does it relate to religion? I guess it's keeping the faith and keep pushing until something clicks. It was so easy to give up and let it go, but if you firmly believe in what you're writing, keep thinking. Unthink, then write again. It's so hard, even borderline painful, but it feels really rewarding once something clicks. I'm so happy I went through this process. It taught me a lot about not giving up. Is that what religion is all about? I don't know.

Writing process

At first, I thought writing was easy. Boy was I wrong! Well, I should know considering how long it took me to write a short about two years ago and how long I've been avoiding the rewriting stage (it's been half a year since I've gotten feedback). Speaking of which, I'll do so after this secret project is done--more on that in another post. Not to reveal anything about the secret project.. that is somewhat like a solo show but in film form, but I really wanted to take some time to reflect on the writing process.  Like I mentioned before, writing is tough. I have done playwriting before, but never have I written for film. I believe the spirit is the same.. just the form: stories written within words vs. visual storytelling, is different. It took me some time to grasp this concept, and although I'm close to the end, I still need to work on writing for film, which is eventually what I want to do: writing and acting for film.

Back to this project: I spent a lot of time thinking about my character: what she wants, what's holding her back, and what more can she do. A lot of possibilities of conflict were thrown around, her character changed multiple times. I spent a lot of time walking around Chinatown, consuming caffeine at cafés, and observing the people who work in and around Chinatown to find inspiration for this character. At some point.. actually at multiple points, I felt stuck. What more can I do? What if this isn't what the character wants and I'm bullshitting all this just to finish this project?

Luckily, I'm working with an amazing director. He has a lot of patience and gave me time to think, and a lot of space to explore different possibilities for this character. Because I had a lot of autonomy, I went through multiple revisions. We had to make sure our visions line up before we start shooting. I think that really grounded me--like nothing will happen if I don't push harder.

We shot the first half of the film, and we stopped for a week. Mostly because we couldn't figure out the story, and nothing will resume if we have no story. So I walked around again.. read a novel written by an Asian American about Chinatown to regroup my thoughts. Doodled for hours on end on my comic scrapbook turned storyboard writing book to figure out the major plot points. In the end, I leaned back and thought about the character again.. her wants and needs, then picked up the pen and did a bunch of freewriting. About an hour in, I found it. Typed the synopsis on my phone and sent it to the director. It sounded good, but not great. Rewrote it again (mostly the ending), got the greenlight, and we moved on to dialogue.

That, believe it or not, was the fun part.. maybe because I was used to writing dialogue. We are still working on revising it, but I think we're almost there. He has to cut it, then we'll resume shooting and post-production sometime within the near future. And it'd be a wrap.  It'd be a wrap.. soon! Not gonna rush it.. gotta have patience.

During the whole process, I learned a lot about myself as a writer. How I should spend time writing before I present solid ideas to collaborators. Or at least setup a schedule on when we'll regroup, and when I have to rewrite. I should never shoot shit and hope it sticks. That's confusing for all parties. I should take it slow, let it breathe, and trust that it will all come together just fine.  That, alone, is something I should practice.

It's gonna be awesome. :-)

This is only a test pt 2

About two nights ago, I bumped into an old high school buddy on the subway platform. It was late.. my bro and I just had a late dinner. It felt odd. If you met me while I was still in high school, you'll probably remember me as an over-achieving, straight-edge type of girl that will cry over an 86. All that because she knew what it was like to fail and hit rock bottom -- but that's another story for another post. The reason why the whole interaction was odd was because neither of us imagined our lives to be where it is today. For some reason, I always imagined myself as someone who will jump head-on into the corporate world and take charge of a company. I guess being politicized in college changed everything.. but then again, that's a different story for another post. Back to this post. I bring this up because at some point within the past month, I thought about doing something else other than acting. For real. For those of you who are artists (starting out/mid-way established), you know you'll always have a gig to support yourself; and for me, I had a temp-gig at this liquor company. Some time about a few months ago, I thought of leaving the company because I didn't know why the heck I was there, but I stayed because I needed the money to support myself in classes and such. In May, I pretty much wrapped up all my classes, and in June, I finally decided to leave that gig. At the time I was about to exit, some community work came up. So I took the chance and applied for that community gig. I felt so confident about changing up my life again, ready to dig deep into that 9-to-5, ready to make acting just my side gig. It was as if god was testing me, to see how much I was willing to hold out with acting. I can't believe how fast I thought about applying for something else. I guess I secretly crave for that stability.

In the end, I didn't end up getting it. And this is funny, because something similar happened to me right after I graduated college-- I applied for something in DC, but they never got my app, and I took a 360 and decided to take an acting class. Believe me, I felt completely beat up after not getting the community gig. I felt as if I have failed again. But somewhere along the lines, I realized how much work I still have/want to do in acting. I shouldn't give up. I'm still hungry to learn more, and I still want to work on it. It's a process, and I ain't done.

Now, I just need to figure out a way to live for the next few months. But deep down within me, I feel like this is a blessing in disguise: god is telling me to hold on and not let go. This is another curve he is throwing me to test my resilience.

I shouldn't give up. I won't give up. I'll keep on going.

Patience

For the past week or so, a lot of thoughts swam through my mind. I became hyperconscious of these thoughts, and most of them are somewhere along the lines of: have I done enough? Am I doing anything? Or what have I done? In other words, I keep stressing about how far I still need to go, rather than how far I've come. For me, it's easy to compare myself to x, y, and z. I think it's a natural thing for me to do... maybe because I used to be an overly competitive person. Over the college years, that sense of competitiveness died out because I was more focused on learning rather than numbers. At some point, I loathe people who worry about that GPA. I very much felt relaxed and enjoyed learning much more.

I don't know why that sense of needing to be at the finish line is resurfacing these days. I guess it's because of uncertainty? Other than that, it's just about sitting back, and enjoying the ride. Maybe it's not about the end product, and much more about the process. Maybe our sense of reaching success (however you define it) can overpower your sense of doing work. How can one let go of that sense of wanting to get there? I'm still trying to figure it out. I guess that's only human?

Sometimes letting go is the easiest thing to do, but often forgotten.

And I guess someone in class said something that really spark this thought process, and it goes:

older dude to a younger dude: how old are you kid? YD: it doesn't matter. OD: well, I've been in the game longer than you. You've got years ahead of you.

It's about the process. It's about patience. Do the work, sit back, and enjoy the bumpy ride. If you can't handle turbulence, get off the ride, and take another train.

That is life. I'm still learning.

This is only a test

Yesterday after fucking up in class for a major network casting director, I had this dark thought.. like what if tv ain't the thing for me? I guess let's take it back a little bit. I have always wanted to be on a tv show, and comedy is always something that I enjoy. The class was for a single-camera tv comedy pilot. When I saw the class being offered about a month ago, I was more than excited and signed up right away.  It was a two-part class. Took the intro last week and it went well. We were given exactly one day to memorize the script. I had everything prepared and I was ready to kill it, but a part of me knew I still wasn't fully memorized by the time I went up. And when the cameras began to roll, I had to peek at the script to pick up ques, but since it was comedy and the three scenes had more than 2 characters at once, I lost focus. Thinking back, it is a lesson of memorization. I have to start practicing memorizing things--stories, monologues, and just practice using that muscle. Since there's only 24 hours in doing so, I should practice every day and see how fast I can get off-book.

Last night was really a test of willpower and preparation. It taught me well. It's so easy to think maybe this ain't for me, but I'd rather think--I'll do better next time.

Let's get it!

Crazy People

I think filmmaking is one of the craziest thing one can do. That includes all aspects of filmmaking--from front of camera to the crew working in that back. One has to believe whole-heartedly on what they're getting themselves into, or at least love their part of the job to jump into it. I guess filmmaking is all about passion. People are driven by many different things, and Ted Hope posted an amazing article on his blog (will link later, writing this on the D train) to explain the four different "F's" of why people get into this business. I agree with most of it.

I spoke with a friend earlier this week, hoping that he would impart some wisdom after years of filmmaking. And the bottom line is: you need to understand your motivation of doing what you do and love it. If you want to be rich and famous, do something else. And the last and final point is to find other people who share the same values and goals and work with them.

After that talk, I found a lot of clarity. These words has been shared from multiple people (mainly Seth Barrish at TBG)/different articles throughout the course of 6 months, and  I've been so lost in my own mind thinking about this; and here, he summarizes everything poignantly.

If you're reading this, thanks.

Let's be crazy and find other crazy people in the world to make art together. Because you know what? Only crazy people will be crazy enough to take risks... and who knows, we might be able to change the world. Crazy!

Persistence

When I was around 7 or 8 in 1998, my father opened up a shoe, makeup, and clothing store on Canal Street in Chinatown, NY. It was quite a big project, and he was the sole investor. He paid two people to help him get connections from brands such as Yves Saint Laurent, Chanel, Crocodile, Fly Flot, and many other comfort shoes--leather shoes, sneakers, you name it, we probably got it. I also distinctively remember a Chinese brand named PEAK. PEAK was the brand my father invested in the most, and we had heaps and heaps of boxes containing styles from kids to adults, shoes and sneakers for both women and men. Because of state regulations, we were required to label the shoe "Made in China." We spent about a month putting in a golden sticker inside every pair of shoes. It was taxing, and a lot of family members came through to help out.

The store lasted for about two years max. Nobody came in the store; we subletted the store to a jewelry shop; and the two helpers my father had dropped out or quit completely. Nobody believed in my father, not even my mother. I was too young at the time to give any opinions of my own, but I do remember the times spent there... playing the Chinese airplane game with my mother, running around like it's nobody's business. Time went by slowly, and the day the shop closed down, we had so many boxes of PEAK shoes, we scrambled to find a way to store them. We finally decided to sell it at the bakery and store most of it in the basement of our home. We didn't sell any, and when the bakery closed in 2002, we shipped everything back to our home.

It sat in the basement of our home for three more years. There were leaks at home, and so, my mom finally decided to donate all the PEAK shoes to Salvation Army. I remember it was a sigh of relief for my mom, all those years of sitting around, these shoes finally have a home, and my mom wouldn't have to worry about leaks anymore.

Today, May 12, 2014, I saw an ad for PEAK sneakers in Times Square NYC. I was in complete awe and took a video of it immediately. How did they end up there? Did they finally find investors that truly believe in their dreams? Was it persistence that carried them through for all these years?

It felt surreal. But it definitely put a lot of things into perspective. They believed in their brand and never gave up. That's the spirit I have to embody.

#persistence

Unfocused

There's a lot of distraction these days. I find myself reaching for the phone or watching YouTube videos when I'm supposed to be writing, practicing acting, and focusing on what's important. Sometimes i wonder if i have ADHD .. but i don't think so. I guess the real problem, when I'm writing, is that I'm afraid of writing something that is stupid. I always tend to criticize myself when it comes to writing and i just stop after a scene, or i write and wonder where I'm going with what im writing. I shake my head and then drift off to my phone/internet. Yeah, i have problems focusing.

I guess outlining helps. Sometimes when i write, i come up with these images on the side, and then i write those out. My mind wanders so many times that it's scary. Is there a cure for this?

Should i go phoneless / work in an area without wifi/internet connection?

I tend to write a lot when I'm taking the train (no internet!). Usually because it's the morning, my mind is fresh and i freewrite. I read back what i write when I'm at work or at home when it's really late and then i begin to edit. Then i leave it alone for a few weeks and read it to see if that's what i wanted. If not, i'll just rewrite.

I don't know why I'm writing this post. Maybe it's a way for me to sort out some bad habits and patterns i have.

I need to break 'em. And focus.

first audition

My first audition happened when I was 17 and it was for 2g, an Asian American Theatre Company; they were casting for a series of 10 minute plays. I browsed through the cast descriptions and found a play casting a 17 year old girl. That's me, i thought! And then I read on: To submit yourself for a role, you need to send in a headshot and resume. I didn't have either. So I immediately went into the bathroom and took a selfie of myself with a WongFu t-shirt and a big ass smile with braces. I consider that as my first headshot. I printed out the headshot on printer paper, and thank god I have enough color ink! I sent the headshot and resume in, and heard back within a day with audition info. Whao, now I have a chance. The audition was held right across the street from The Public Theatre. I ran up the stairs and saw people waiting. I asked if this was the spot, and someone said yes. I took a side and sat on the floor. A girl directly across from me was prepping. And by prepping, I mean, she really got into the character. Like in it in it. It was quite scary.

They finally called my name, and I went into the room. There were two guys in the room, one man named Lloyd (the person who I was emailing with) and the reader. He was super friendly and said "Oh, you're the girl with the braces!" It was quite cool because I'll be so believable for a 17 year old. I read through the whole scene twice and then it was over. I awkwardly stumbled my way out of the room. It was pretty nerve-wrecking, but it was my first glimpse as to what the audience process involves.

In the end, I didn't get the part. I went to watch the show and saw some many talented people on the stage. I wondered what I had to do to get to their level.

After not getting the part, I found out a month later that I didn't get in the three Drama Programs I applied for. It was a real bummer for me, and I wondered if acting was right for me. I questioned myself again and again, until the thought of being an actor just faded away. I knew deep down within me there's this tiny voice telling me I want to become one -- but how?

After getting back into the craft several years later, I realized it's more about persistence than anything else. Sure, when I was 17 I was completely devastated in not getting the part. But I think that re-routed me into a different path, into a non-actors path, and then getting back on it. This first audition taught me if you have a love for something deep within you -- you'll someday run back to it. And when you get reunited with the craft and nothing changes, you will know it's love.

Processing

Tonight, i fucked up. In Scene Study class. I was doing a scene from THE MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE HAT, and i am still trying to process the reasons why it happened the way it happened. And I'm not trying to linger in it, I'm just trying to figure out why so I don't ever do it again. Process. So the scene is about two lovers. The guy comes home with a job, the girlfriend gets excited, they were gonna get busy, but she wants to shower first. He discovers a hat and questions her why is there a hat that doesn't belong to him, she denies the fact the hat has anything to do with her. He confronts her and ask why the bed smells like someone just had sex, she says he's crazy and making up things in his mind, he says maybe I am crazy but who is the guy with the hat/slept on this bed? She tries to get him to go to the pie place to talk it out, he agrees.

That's the story. For some reason, after we built the set and the scene started, there was a moment of oh-shit. When we met up to run lines, we did it in a specific way--we made a lot choices with accents, how the character is acting at this point. After we split, I gave myself things to do in the room during certain lines. The way I read or imagine the character stays with me though, and when I performed in class today, and everything I/we prepared pretty much went sour. We didn't say it like the way we rehearsed it, and we were lost.

As i'm writing this, i realize one of the biggest problem i made. I went ahead of myself.. or i had an idea how the scene was supposed to go--how to act it, how it should sound. l almost forgot the thing i told myself to do.. which is.. to let it all go. Get down to the story, and never get to your head about what should/should not happen. Just go with the flow and let the story take you to that landing point.

As I'm realizing this, I know what to do for next week. Still processing what happened this week, but I should just let that go too. Just gotta keep working on it.

Process!!!

fresh start

The year 2014 arrived around three weeks ago, and as usual, I left this blog .. un-updated. A lot has happened since the last post, but I didn't write about it. I should really put myself on a schedule. Perhaps one post per week? That's not too much to ask, right Judy? I started the Solo Show and Scene Study class at TBG. Both is like a fresh start. Previously, I was in the 1.5 year program, and after a year, you just get accustomed to everyone in the class and everything becomes the usual. Or to be it bluntly, I desperately wanted to start off in another class. Maybe I had a slow start in the 1.5 year program? Maybe I didn't connect or work with as much people as I had hoped? Anyway, the Solo Show class is all about developing the writing/storytelling process; the Scene Study is a continuation of developing the tbg tools and giving yourself directions/self-adjustments. Both classes complement each other, and I can't wait to perform segments of the solo show to put everything i learned into prospective.

But to go off on the process of the solo show for a bit: I feel stuck. Not stuck in the sense of i don't know what i'm writing. But stuck in the sense that i know what i want to say, what kind of story i want to tell. I tell this to my brother, and he plain said my story isn't juicy enough. He asked: if you were an audience member, will you buy a ticket to watch your show? Honestly! So, that's why i'm stuck.

Maybe i should just flip the finger and follow my gut into telling the story i want to tell. Yes, i'll do that.

Fresh start to the new year, and my motto for 2014? Don't give a fuck about what others think or say.

Re-entering.

It has been a while since I've last updated my Youtube channel.  I stopped during the summer months because the festival work began to pick up; and since balancing work was already hard enough, doing things i love/can work on fell by the wayside.  I felt guilty for leaving the channel for a bit--granted I don't have too many subscribers, but still .. i felt like i was doing myself an injustice by not working on the craft. To be honest, I started the Youtube channel as a way to document my journey through acting--sort of like what I'm doing here.  I felt troubled when asked to do monologues, knowing i had none to offer.  But i found a few pieces that i really like.. that i really connected with and started memorizing from there.  It was hard, but overtime, each and every monologue felt more comfortable.  Some were a bit harder (i must admit).  I left monologues/Youtube for a hiatus, a hibernation of sorts.  I didn't have time a few months ago, but now I do.   And now I'm back.

I struggled to find a direction to the channel.  What should i do?  I'm no fashion or beauty/make-up guru.  I've always thought about teaching Cantonese (for about a year now), so I jumped right in.  I made my first video and then another, and then another.  I think by making the videos, I'm getting more comfortable in front of the camera, which is something I struggle with and want to fix.  Afterall, I want to get into film and television work.  I have to get over it.  It's not an option.

At times, I still doubt whether anyone will like or notice the channel.  I always film with this uncertainty, and my brother called me out for it.  Sometimes harshly.  Although I get pretty antsy every time I say hello, I just need to tell myself to let go.  In class, we talk about letting go a lot.  It's the same type of feeling -- just a different medium.  I see it as a way of practice.  They say practice makes perfect.  So hopefully, I'll be able to hone the craft overtime.

It takes work, it takes time.  I just need to be more patient.